Day 357, 358, 359, 360 – December 23rd – 26th, 2017

Hello! I’m back.

…technically not really “back” from anything I suppose, but a brief hiatus from writing once again.

Lots to cover! And, for once, I actually have a moment to write – I don’t work early tomorrow, which means that I can sit and type here for a while about everything I’ve missed over the past couple days.

So, what has happened?

Well, the Annual Cousinly-Christmas sleepover took place in Waterloo this year and it was so, so much fun! We played pass the parcel, did dares, prank called people, and so much more. I’m so glad that despite everything that’s happened this year between everyone that we were still able to set it all aside and have a nice Christmas get-together the way that family should.

Christmas also came and went, and hands down it was one of the best Christmases yet. We actually spent time with our parents, teaching them old elementary school games like stella-ella-ola and concentration. And then we played a rousing and competitive game of scattegories which had everyone roaring with laughter at the amount of lowkey cheating that was going on.

After that, we actually did a little bit of carolling for the parents and the parents carolled for us too. The best part of all of this was that for the most part, we put all of our phones away and actually spent time with one another and bonded. I’m so glad that we were able to do that, because those little moments are so precious and hard to come by.

Now that I’ve written about what I’ve missed these past couple days, it’s time to get down to the nitty-gritty and finally ask myself something that I haven’t asked in a while…

HOW AM I!?

I’ve been working so much that literally everything I’ve loved to do for myself has been put on the backburner. Today, I sat down with Olivia and had a genuine and real conversation with her and realized multiple things.

Such as, I’ve stopped meditating for the past 2 or 3 weeks. And man, I didn’t realize it until today, but what a difference.

Olivia wasn’t the only one to point it out to me today – this friend of mine at work named Michelle kept telling me that I seemed “low” today, even though to me, I seemed fine. But it all makes sense now.

Without having been able to work-out, or read for myself, or meditate, my vibration frequency has been lowering! And just a couple weeks ago, it was in such a good place and consistently high that that good energy became my norm. Throughout these past couple weeks, that energy has slowly been draining and I haven’t been doing anything whatsoever to replenish it because work has literally consumed my life.

I myself didn’t even realize I was at a low. But it makes sense now that I think about it – my anxiety has been back, cropping up at random moments even when everything is good. Such as, during the Christmas sleepover when I was surrounded by the people I loved, or on my way back home yesterday after an amazing day spent with family. I know how to deal with my anxiety now but it makes sense as to why it’s been making a reappearance.

I truly hadn’t realized the true impact that meditating every single day consistently was making in my life, until now. And now, I know I need to get back to it.

Because, Olivia also pointed out to me today that I’ve been rather distant and detached. That when I come home from work, I pop in my earphones and disconnect from everything around me. I shut down. And if I’m not shutting down, I’m immediately coming home in order to sleep and wake up the next day to do it all again.

Once again, I didn’t realize this until she pointed it out to me. And again, in retrospect, I understand why – I shut down when I come home because I’m so tired of constantly being around people that I need my brain to shut down for a little. What I didn’t realize was that in doing this, I’ve been shutting out my family.

I cannot wait for my hours to get cut down. Actually, I’ve already managed to pass off about ten hours of work this week to someone else, thank goodness. I need to start re-prioritizing again until work falls back down where it belongs on the scale.

I need to be around people outside of work, such as my family and my friends. I also need to start spending time alone in the healthy replenishing ways that I used to before work became such a priority – I need to get back to working out, meditating every day, yoga, reading my amazing books, and writing to myself. These are the ways in which I keep my energy high, keep elevating my vibration.

I’m not worried because I know that ultimately things will change, as they always do, as life goes on. My current situation now won’t be my situation next week, as what it is right now isn’t what it was last week. Things are always changing. I have to do all that I can for myself in this present moment.

So, I’m going to start by meditating tonight before I go to sleep. And tomorrow, I’m going to work out. But right now, in this present moment, I am doing something for me by sitting right here and typing this log.

And man, does it ever feel good.

So, back to that question again: how have I been? What’s been going on with me?

Well, let’s see.

Immediately what came to mind was the state of my relationships with other people. But before all of that, how’s my relationship with me?

I guess I’m a little concerned about my recent feelings of anxiety. Oh, I’m worried about the state of my finances too! Because, I’ve been working so much and I feel like I don’t have anything to show for it, and sometimes I actually don’t know where all my money is going. Which means, come New Year, I’m making it one of my massive priorities to spend less and save more.

I know people do the whole “new year, new me” thing. But the funny thing is, that’s exactly what I did for myself this year – from start to finish, I changed things for myself. I manifested amazing opportunities, achieved some pretty incredible things. So, regardless of how mocked that new beginning is, I’m about to make the most of yet another beginning that I’m about to be blessed with, and I cannot wait.

I can’t wait to write down my resolutions when I’m ready to. This year has taught me the power of manifesting your intentions, the law of attraction, how you can bring your intentions to life by conspiring with and believing in the universe. So I know now, more than ever, that whatever I set my mind, heart and soul to, I can achieve for myself, (if and when it’s meant to be and meant for me).

One thing I’m insanely proud of myself for this year, is how consistently I went about getting help for myself. Sticking through my therapy, even when things felt “fine” or “good”. I re-wired so much of my old negative thought patterns, or my old insecurities, my fears.

I’m so happy that I cared enough about myself to actively seek help. Nadia has changed my life, but in truth and ultimately, I changed my own life by finding her. By realizing I loved myself enough to want more for me. To want a better quality of life, a real and consistent sense of happiness that came from within. I knew it existed and I wanted it more than I wanted anything else.

Six years was six years too long to remain on autopilot. To have constant break downs and anxiety attacks with no respite. To get through each and every one of my days in a numb blur, with no significant growth or progress. It took hitting rock bottom multiple times and unknowingly settle into it to realize that I wanted more from my life. And that the power to receive more from my life rested in my own hands.

Never again will I allow myself to settle back into autopilot. Never again will I allow myself to ever berate, blame, or guilt myself for anything outside of my control. Never again will I ever victimize myself and believe that I do not have direct control over my health, physical, mental and emotional. I will always have a choice. Everything is a choice. I am not helpless. I never was.

I’m in a good place with me. A better place than ever before. And I know that it’s only going to get better as I continue to learn and grow as a person. Life consistently finds new ways to show me that I have so much more to learn, and I love every moment of it all.

Now, I can talk about my external stuff with other people.

Let’s see…

I know a conversation with Luna is coming up sometime soon. Or, maybe it won’t happen now that we’ve settled into this new way of being – we say hi at work, talk when it’s necessary regarding sales or samples, and that’s about it. I can quite literally feel the hurt coming off of her in waves when she walks past me though, masked by pride and defensiveness.

Nadia told me that my relationships with people don’t necessarily have to be black and white, and she’s right. I don’t quite know what my new relationship with Luna will entail moving forward. I still have a couple resentments that I know I’m holding onto. I especially realize this when people bring the situation up when they’re talking to me and I end up spewing a lot of unnecessary venom about it all.

Sometimes I’m at peace with it, but the minute someone brings it up again, it’s like I’m reliving it once more. So, something has to change. I have to come to terms with and let go of what’s happened. I can’t change any of it. I can only move forward.

Alright, so Luna inadvertently had a hand in getting Dylan fired. But, Dylan was planning on leaving anyways, and he was much happier at Hillcrest. So what am I holding onto here?

I know the answer to this one: I blame Luna for the current state of my friendship with Dylan. When in truth, it’s not her fault completely. Actually, the current state of our friendship doesn’t really have anything to do with her whatsoever. I wasn’t ready to let go and say goodbye, but everything happens as it’s meant to. But more on that later.

Next: she almost got me fired, and jeopardized the jobs of some extremely hard-working single moms that I work with, and their kids. But, I didn’t get fired. And neither did anyone else from my team. So what am I holding onto in this regard?

Answer: I didn’t like how it felt when my manager was going through our schedule. I was terrified. I blame Luna for that feeling of discomfort, when in truth, it was our manager who was going through our schedule. I attribute this action to Luna, however.

Next: I can’t shake the fact that that night Dylan got fired and she called me, she knew the truth about the reason our manager gave him when she fired him. But, she went around that truth and said a whole bunch of other reasons (including things that even lowkey implicated me), but didn’t admit to the blame herself. I hadn’t even known she’d known the truth during that phone call, and I hadn’t said anything because it wasn’t my place to. But learning that she’d known all along and the fact that she still defended her opinions a couple days after? It bothered me that she couldn’t accept responsibility for the role that she played in all of this, that she couldn’t set her aside her pride for a single moment to apologize to anyone, namely Sera and Dylan. I didn’t need an apology, nor do I expect one. All I hoped was that she’d own up to what she’d said and try to make amends with everyone. Instead, she clung to her guns and played the victim where she could, blaming everyone but herself.

There we go. That’s the big ticket reason right there ^. I see her differently now because of the way she refused to admit that she fucked up, even if it was an unintentional fuck-up.

Because self-preservation matters more to her than her own relationships with others. No matter how much she may have said that she trusted people or loved people or how much she claimed she was a good and loyal friend, her actions countered her words in the end. She chose herself rather than taking a moment to step down from her pedestal to apologize and admit she’d done wrong. And in that choice, she severed her relationships with the few people she claimed to be closest with in our department.

Including me.

The deep respect and admiration I once had for her is no longer there. I know that people mess up, I know that no one is perfect. I know that we are all human. But I don’t think it would be healthy for me to maintain a relationship with someone who believes that they can do no wrong. That they are always right. The kind of person who bends the rules to make them work for themselves, but berates and belittles anyone else who does remotely the same.

Someone who makes everything their business in order to feel important or involved – not because they genuinely care.

Wow.

That’s a lot of realizations to be had.

I’ll always be thankful for everything she taught me. I’ll always be grateful for the amazing experiences we shared together over our multiple travels this year. A part of me will always care about her because despite her incessant need for self-preservation, I know she’s got a good heart and she cares deeply about the people in her life. She’s a smart and confident woman who taught me that I should walk into a room like I’m Miss Universe and expect to be treated like nothing less than that. She’s crazy funny and I know she encouraged me and wanted what was best for me.

I don’t know what the future holds. All I know is that I can’t hold resentment in my heart any longer. I have to let go. Maybe not of her, completely, but of the reactions I had to this situation.

So, no more talking about her with resentment. No more venting about her to people, no more talking about the situation at all. I choose to be at peace. I choose to let go. I choose to move forward.

If anyone brings it up out of curiosity, I must choose to react consciously and with that peace and kindness. I don’t hold grudges, I won’t let that be the kind of person that I am.

And that’s that.

It’s getting late now, but I don’t want to go to bed without addressing the last thing that I can feel circulating around my heart (unless that’s actual heartburn… I’m not completely sure LMAO).

As I mentioned before: the current state of my friendship with Dylan.

Eh. Well.

We’ve been talking here and there, snapchatting here and there. It’s mostly been me, I think – I’m the one who’s been messaging or snap-chatting first, trying to make an effort.

I wonder if it’s been misconstrued though? Like, just today we were texting sort of, and he called me “dude” again. Why does that bother me so much!? It’s literally just a word.

This is what my ego-mind says in response to that: I GET IT, “DUDE”. We’re just friends. You only see me as a friend. You don’t need to keep calling me dude in an effort to get the point across, the point has been successfully made, thank you, bye.

My ego mind is defensive and that word bothers me because it makes me feel like all the feelings I had for him this year were a waste of time with no point.

But me, the me that’s come so far and learnt so much, knows better than that.

By liking him, I realized what I wanted for myself moving forward. Someone who’s mature, conscientious, kind, adventurous, funny, respectful, intelligent, out-going and an all-around good person. Someone I could potentially travel with, someone who is as equally compassionate as I am, someone I can talk to endlessly and have fun with.

I know I still don’t know him completely, and I’m sure he doesn’t even know himself completely, and I also know I idealized the hell out of him too. I know perfect people don’t exist.

He also brought the Alchemist into my life, at a time I needed it most. It was a huge part of my trip to Hawaii. I met him for a whole bunch of different reasons.

But that’s about it.

The reason I was struggling so much with my resentment towards Luna in regards to the fact that he was suddenly let go from work was because, I feel like I wasn’t ready to let go. To say goodbye. A part of me knew or felt like that was the end and I wasn’t ready for it. But that’s life. It brings things or people into your life when you need them most and takes them away just as fast when it’s time for them to go.

I would love to be friends. But he’s making me feel weird. Or rather, I might be projecting my own insecurities about the friendship onto the way he’s talking to me now perhaps. “Dude” is literally just a word. And even throughout this year, we never really talked a lot when we were outside of work. So, I guess nothing has changed.

I know he only sees me as a friend and he made that very clear, but I would have loved to have known what went on inside of his head in reaction to everything I’d said and the ways I felt about him.

Did it freak him out? Was it all one-sided on my part? Did he do his best to let me down as respectfully or as gently as he could without addressing anything directly?

But really though… was it only me? Was it all in my head? Was any of it real or just tons of hormones and neuro-chemicals?

That moment on the dock underneath the stars… that felt real to me. Even the moment we finally talked when we went back to that restaurant we first went to, that felt like a real connection to me too.

I guess I’ll never know, and I just have to be okay with not knowing.

And so, yet another chapter in my life closes. Now, I have to continue to process and slowly let go of all of these feelings until there’s nothing left but platonic friendly ones.

A part of me is wondering how exactly I’m going to go about doing that. But, I know that time is ultimately going to be the best bet in this situation. That, and just accepting things for what they are, nothing more and nothing less.

Dylan is a great guy. Quite close to being my “ideal” guy, all idealizations aside. The self-awareness and introspection is what got me the most. But ultimately, it is what it is. He has ways to go for himself on a path that probably doesn’t include me in the ways that I wanted, and that’s okay. I’m always going to be thankful that I met him, grateful for the ways I felt about him and what it taught me.

A big, big part of me is saying all of this with the expectation that this is where our friendship slowly comes to an end as well. I know that that expectation is stemming from a part of me that’s afraid of getting hurt by hoping for anything more than that. That expectation exists as a means to protect myself.

But eh. I’m doing my part for the meantime, being myself, keeping in touch here and there (sometimes I even worry that I’m trying a little too hard). I want him to know that I understand that he doesn’t feel the same way and that that’s okay, I’m letting go of all of that. I don’t want him to feel weird about me. I get it. But I’m sure that’ll become clear in time.

And this year? I have the opportunity to take my “me-ship” (relationship with myself) to the next level; laser-focusing on what I want for myself, while bettering myself all the while. I can start directing more and more of my energies inwards, as external things (relationships, namely), make their way out of my life. I want to do more things for me, by myself. I want to travel on my own. Maybe to Costa Rica or Europe this year. I want to keep exploring this city by myself, take myself out, and find quiet little nooks and crannies to read in during the summer.

I intend to be alone for as long as I need to be, until I meet someone who’s on a similar vibration as I am. Self-aware, introspective, intent on bettering their quality of living while maintaining a consistent sense of happiness that comes from within rather than from external things or people.

But most importantly, I think I’m going to stop actively searching for this “person” in everyone I meet. When I’m meant to find them, they’ll find me. And I’ll know. I have faith in that. I trust in that process.

Anyways, I feel great after having written this log, in this present moment.

I have tomorrow morning off so I’m going to work out, read a little, just have some me-time.

And, seeing as there’s only about 4 days left in this year, I’m going to continue to read this log from start to finish before this year ends!

Until I write next,

Love always,

Me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s