Day 3 – January 3rd, 2018

Hi there! Man, it feels so good to be able to write every day again. I feel like I’m slowly returning back to my routine that I knew before December, and it feels amazing. I took a moment to do a face mask today, I started reading a new book, and I spent time doing absolutely nothing. And you know what’s great? I didn’t feel that “withdrawal” from work, as though I needed to be up on my feet doing something in order to feel as though I wasn’t wasting my time. It felt good to do nothing, to just sit and rest and relax.

We’ve started really packing for Antigua today! I still can’t believe we’ll be leaving in a couple days’ time. I also can’t believe it’s January! January always feels a little surreal at first, because by that point you’re so used to December and the prior year. I’m still taking in the fact that it’s 2018 now, but it makes sense since we’re only three days in.

I know I’m kind of procrastinating on the whole packing thing but eh, that’s me! It’s kind of funny, but since my mom’s going, I’m not altogether too worried about forgetting anything. Especially between my mom and my sister, who are super prepared and never forget anything.

I’m so excited for us! We all get along really well in regards to what we want – I know we’ll find the perfect balance between relaxing on the beach and adventuring around the island. (Even if some times we have to force our mom to relax LOL). Mm, this time next week I’ll be lying on the hot white sands of Antigua, watching the sparkling turquoise waters as they beckon me to swim.

My mom deserves this, Olivia deserves this, we deserve this!!!!!!!

What’s also funny is that I’m already planning to travel again in February during reading week, IF I can find something super cheap, safe and feasible. I promised myself I’d travel responsibly and that’s what I intend to do this year. But man, this wanderlust is crazy.

What’s a little bittersweet is that I have all these questions about travel regulations and a part of me wishes I could just message Luna to ask her but I can’t. I mean, I’m having no trouble finding the answers on google obviously, but still. Love of travel was something we shared, it bonded us.

Ah well! Such is life.

So the book I’ve recently begun was recommended to me by Nadia (bless her soul). It’s called “Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of the Buddha”. And I’m already hooked! It reminds me so much of “Awakening the Buddha Within”, but it’s also tied to a more mental-health perspective which I love. So far it’s talking about how we tend to spend most of our lives living in a “trance”-like state, or what I like to call “autopilot”. We’re taught that we’re not enough, not worthy, and so we constantly strive for more.

The best grades, the best jobs, the best of the best. But underneath all of that achievement, is this sense of inadequacy that we can’t quite seem to shake no matter what we achieve for ourselves.

I think this is a great book for me to start off the year with! I asked Nadia to help me figure out how I could let go of trying to control everything, including my external and internal narrative, and she recommended this book to me. I’m looking forward to practising and learning more about how to properly let go and let be.

That’s about it for today! But, one more thing before I go…

Today marks the one year anniversary of me breaking up with Nick. On this day one year ago, I chose myself over my relationship and set myself on a course of events that would change my life for the better.

I’ve been single for an entire year!!!!! It’s been so much fun. I went on dates, both on my own and with other people, I lived life for me, I travelled, I focused on school and myself and my well-being. I grew and matured, took the time to figure out what I really want for myself and what I need from whatever relationship I intend to engage in, in the future. I know what I deserve and I know what I won’t settle for, now more than ever. I know what qualities I can’t compromise on when it comes to my future partner, and I know what to expect of myself as well.

I’m so proud of myself. Nick wasn’t just my boyfriend; he was my best friend, my comfort, my confidante, the person I went to about everything, the person I talked to every day, my constant, and the love of my life. It wasn’t easy letting go of that attachment I felt towards him. But because I did, I can now depend on myself to generate my own happiness, a happiness that no one will ever be able to take away from me. Because I did, he seems to have grown as well, and hopefully will continue to grow.

I still remember how it felt to sit there beside him and cry, knowing it was over. How it felt to kiss him, one last time. But now, I can remember those things without pain, without ache. I’m content. I’m happy. I hope that he’s happy too.

And I’m extra happy because we got through the entire year and learned how to be friends, somehow. We don’t talk often, but when we do it’s because we know we can still turn to one another if need be, on a friendly basis. We still have a mutual respect towards one another, and towards each other’s family too. It got tricky sometimes, as any post-breakup friendship can become, but we made it through and now we’re in a good place. I didn’t lose that person who once meant so much to me, but the feelings that I felt for him are finally a distant memory.

Life went on, as it always does.

I won’t ever regret that relationship, and everything it taught me. I won’t ever regret letting it go in order to grow as a person. It was the best possible thing I could have done for myself. I put my faith in myself, and I also put my faith in time and the power it has to heal all things. It really did.

I was supposed to ask myself, on this day: “how do you feel about him now? Did you do the right thing? Do you regret it? And, are you happy?

But, I believe I’ve already answered those questions in everything I just said.

I’ve let go, I did the right thing, I’ll never regret it, and I’m happier than ever.

Here’s to making the most of this year, the same way I did the last. Here’s to living life for yourself before living it for anyone else. And finally, here’s to loving yourself. It changed my life. I wish the same for everyone I’ll ever encounter, and everyone that I don’t.

Love always,

Me.

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