Day 16 – January 16th, 2018

Hi, hi! Little quick log before I head off to bed.

Today was a good day! I went to class, which means this is the first time I went to school this year LOL. I’m glad though, in today’s lecture we talked about emotion.

After class, I went to work and everyone I like was in, so the shift went quickly and it was a lot of fun. Me, Marilyn and Daniella went for break together and we caught up, which was really nice.

Luna “forgot” my stuff, so I have to grab it from her next week.

There was this moment where she was talking to our manager about the trip that my team won, and she asked me really loudly in front of everyone, “are you going?”

I know I wasn’t selected, but honestly, I may tag along if it’s feasible for me. But, that’s none of her business. So instead of explaining all of that, all I said was “I don’t think so.”

And of course, I know she was trying to prove a point. I know everyone’s going to be talking about it, how it’s “unfair” to me that I wasn’t selected to go on trip too despite being a part of the team.

But here’s my truth: I am so immensely proud of my team. I could not care less whether or not I was selected to go on this trip. I’ve been to Italy already, first of all. Second of all, I can’t think of anyone else who deserves this trip more than Maria. The only other woman I know who works that hard, is my mom. And Dianne. And Sharon. They deserve this. And that’s why I worked so hard. Not so that I could go myself, I knew that that wasn’t guaranteed from the start. But because I love my team and I support them. Not for recognition. I know how hard I worked. I know all the hours I put in. And so does my team. And that’s my truth. That’s what matters to me.

I’m not going to let anyone put me into a victim narrative. I’m not. I may not be going, but that’s my team and I’m proud of them and I wanted this for them, like any good team member would.

I don’t know if she forgot the stuff as an excuse to continue to have a reason to talk to me later on, but I pretty much kept the conversation short today when she told me she forgot it. It is what it is.

Anyways! LOL.

I have more important matters to focus on. Such as school!

I think I’m going to talk to Nadia about the ADHD/ADD assessment again. I just want to know for sure and for good whether or not I have it. If I don’t, I can figure out other strategies and solutions to my lack of motivation and lack of focus when it comes to school. If I do, then I can start some sort of specific therapies or even medication that may help me move past it all and actually do well with school. I just need to know for sure why all my life I’ve been unable to be consistent when it comes to school.

This is the first time in a very long time that I’ve had this kind of motivation in my life. I’m motivated to work out, to eat healthy, to meditate and drink water, to take care of myself. Even at work – my work ethic is thriving and I’m able to focus, no problem. But when it comes to school? I can’t seem to sit down long enough to start or finish an essay, until it’s the very last second and my anxiety is driving me. I don’t care to study, and the apathy I get towards my marks appalls me. It only hits me when it’s too late. I need to know why and what I can do to fix those habits.

I know everything will be okay and work itself out. I have complete and utter faith in that. I have faith in myself. I know what I want or what direction I’d like to ultimately head in. I even like school! I love learning, I like going to lectures. But even in lecture, I start to get agitated, start fidgeting, lose interest within minutes and zone out. And then I start getting anxious, even if the lecture is less than an hour. Something needs to change.

And so it will.

That’s about it for today! I don’t work for the next two days so I can get myself in order and organize myself a little more in regards to class and school and my routine.

I’ll definitely find a moment to write tomorrow! So glad I’ve been writing consistently as of late.

Until then!

Love always,

Me.

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