I fought with myself today and went to my classes! A really big part of me didn’t want to go. Small victories, right?
My anxiety was pretty high today. I’m trying to apply what I’ve been reading in Radical Acceptance about being compassionate and accepting towards the anxiety and acknowledging that it’s there, rather than trying to run away from it or deeming it “wrong”. So far, I feel like I still get too involved in it. I don’t think thoughts that feed it or anything like that, but I watch the anxiety and then get anxious about being anxious, LOL.
It’s okay though! It’s a learning process, and I’m here for me. It’s not there all the time either, so it’s manageable.
I really can’t wait to see Nadia next week and talk to her about all of this. Another thing that my mom found out was that while we were gone, my dad bought a bunch of alcohol and drank himself to the point that he now feels like he has a hole in his stomach. I think he felt that we abandoned him, because he also texted my mom saying that he feels like he’d rather be dead than alive at the moment.
He definitely needs help. Hopefully I can find a moment this weekend to encourage him to go back to his program and see someone.
The reason I got some of the tattoos I got last year was to help me to combat my anxieties. “Let go, have faith, trust the process”. A lot of my anxieties stem from my feelings of lack of control over situations I encounter, such as a great majority of my school situation, or the circumstances around my dad.
So those tattoos remind me to accept that I do not have control over everything, to let go of the idea of control, to have faith that everything will be okay and work out, and to trust the process as everything happens the way that it does.
Anyways, that’s about all for today!
I’m going to head to bed now, and I’ll find a moment to write tomorrow since I don’t work and all I have is class.