Day 23 – January 23rd, 2018

Strange kind of day today! Well, not altogether strange, but the first part maybe. And maybe not “strange”, per se. More so… I’m not too sure what to call it.

Well, there I was, freshly worked out, getting ready for school, when Nick messaged.

All personal details aside, he had a routine colon check thingy and his test results came back from the Colon Cancer society as abnormal…

Well, he was kind laughing about it (because back when we used to date, we were super weird and we used to joke about that kind of stuff) but I encouraged him to go for further testing just to make sure all was good. So that was slightly worrisome.

We talked a little bit throughout the day and he asked if I was free, but turns out that he had to stay later at work so we didn’t get a chance to hang out. But hopefully we do soon so that I can tell him in person to take stuff like that more seriously.

Anyways, the rest of my day was relatively regular after that!

So back to what I was saying yesterday, about my dream; I get the gist of what it all meant, but what I wanted to touch upon was the fact that Dylan was distant and that I couldn’t get to him, and ended up giving up anyways.

Because, that directly reflects my waking-life situation with him right now.

Long story short, I kind of miss him! But not in the crush-induced way that I would have before, I actually genuinely mean in a friendship sense. If he were still working with me, at least by now he would have had some hours and I would have got to see him here and there. But now, things are different.

And, once again, fear is holding me back from reaching out and asking him to chill, but for a different reason altogether now. I respect that we’re friends, I’m glad that we are – but, I never got to convey that to him directly. What if by me reaching out, it seems like I’m still into him?

Okay… typing that out, it actually does seem a lot more ridiculous than it sounded in my head. I’m using fear as an excuse for my pride, if I’m being totally transparent, I know.

Life’s short, and it’s pretty simple. I give into my over-thinking a lot, I’ll admit. But there’s a simple solution to this. I miss him? I want to hang out? If I really did, then I’d message him. And same goes for him too.

If it’s meant to happen, it will, we’ll hang out eventually. But if I’m not planning on doing anything about it, then there’s no point in thinking about it.

Okay no, that’s kind of mean to say, to myself I mean. I’m supposed to be offering myself more compassion than that, and honestly beneath the clarity, I can feel myself being annoyed with my tendency to overthink. It bothers me that I want to be friends with someone when it feels like they don’t quite feel the same way, I guess, if I’m going to be totally and completely honest. My overthinking comes from a place of deep care, and I know that.

You know, it’s actually a lot harder to have faith and trust the process than it seems to be! But I really do want to have faith in this, that if we’re at least meant to be friends (which I would love), then we’ll figure out a way to be. And if we’re not, then we’re not.

So I’ll just trust in this process and believe that everything happens as it’s meant to.

I think that’s about all for today! I’m looking forward to a busy day tomorrow – I have my appointment with Nadia, class, and then I’m going to head to Oshawa to hang out with Anne and Raina! I can’t wait, it’s been so long.

I’ll find a moment to write tomorrow!

Until then,

Love always,

Me.

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