Day 24, 25, 26 – January 24th, 25th, 26th, 2018

I was doing so well with writing every day! But, I figured that I wouldn’t be able to find time to write because Wednesday night I went to Oshawa to sleepover at Anne and Raina’s, and yesterday I went straight from Oshawa to school and then to work and I worked until 9. Not to mention, I only got about two hours the night before because Anne, Raina and I stayed up until about 4 am just talking and catching up, which was sooooo much fun! I missed being around people and having basic human contact and really good conversation.

Anyways, let me wind my way back to Wednesday, because I met with Nadia and I got to write about my session with her!

It went really well – we caught up about what’s been going on with the family (things have been pretty stable as of late, minus dad’s deteriorating health). I told her how my dad drank a lot while we were in Antigua, and now we’ve been noticing that he’s always in pain, and he’s even beginning to lose grip in his hands and can’t hold or pick up things as well as he used to.

A part of me wonders if he’ll even live long enough to walk Olivia or I down the aisle, when either of us get married. It’s sad. He’s not a bad person, he’s just really ill and always has been. But I guess there’s only so much we can do, if he’s not willing or looking to help or save himself.

She agreed that it was really sad, but reaffirmed that it wasn’t my or anyone else’s fault for the way things have turned out.

After that, I asked if we could address how things have been going with school for me since she and I hadn’t talked about that in a while. I told her about how I’ve been worried about school because I’ve been starting to lose a little motivation again, and how that bugged me because every other aspect of my life was filled to the brim with motivation.

We figured out some short-term ways for me to start prioritizing school the way I’ve been prioritizing my self-care and self-growth, which helped a lot.

Then the conversation led to her asking me what I wanted to do after getting my degree, to which I admitted that I actually have no definitive ideas. I was just at a point where I wanted to get this done. I don’t hate school, and I love psychology, and I really want to see this through to the end.

She made me realize that that’s okay, because it could possibly be that on my journey, I’ll end up realizing which way I’m meant to go. To trust in the process.

The conversation got a little overwhelming and I ended up breaking down a bit, but she was patient while I cried. I’m in a much better place with myself now than I was two years ago, but it’s still tough sometimes trying to break out the mind frame that I’ve “fallen behind” or that I’m old and I’m aimless, while everyone else is starting to settle into their lives and careers. I’ve stopped comparing myself to other people for the most part, but even I get caught up in it sometimes. When you’re conditioned to think one way for a great majority of your life, it can be difficult to break out of those confines. But, I’m happy to come as far as I have.

She challenged my perspective of self – where I lamented that “I’m already twenty-five”, she emphasized that “I’m only twenty-five”; I’m still young, in my mid-twenties, on my own path and making my own way to where ever I’m going to end up. I’m doing everything I can for myself. She explained that even she herself only started her pathway to her a career as a psychotherapist in her early thirties.

I know I’m going to be okay. I just need to keep reminding myself that, to keep putting things into a perspective that reaffirms having faith in myself and my journey.

“Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change.” That’s a quote I’ve happened to stumble upon recently, and it rings very, very true. It’s all a matter of perception and reaction, how I see things and the way I react to them.

Anyways, it ended up being a really good therapeutic session, and we’re scheduled for another one in about a month so that I can update her on my progress in regards to school, to see if I’ve implemented everything we talked about.

I really should start making school as much a priority as I do my self-care, growth, my job and my social life. Those things have flourished with the amount of time and care I’ve put into them (especially my self-love and self-respect and compassion), so imagine what I could do if I gave time to school instead of regarding it as a chore or a nuisance?

There’s even direct proof in how I started my driving lessons – at first, I dreaded them I put them off and saw them as an annoyance. After a couple lessons, my confidence grew and my perspective of them ultimately changed. Now, I miss them!! I want to learn how to drive! It was all a matter of leaving my comfort zone and doing what I knew would be best for me. (Speaking of those, my instructor is currently out of the country and will be coming back soon so I can begin again).

So, that covers my awesome session with Nadia. Honestly, I’m so glad I’ve met her and continued to see her. She reflects back at me all the things I want for myself, all the ways I can grow as a person and better my life. Meeting her made me glad that I hit rock bottom, that I was miserable and unhappy and anxious. If it wasn’t for that intense discomfort and unhappiness about my life, I never would have had the motivation to want to change things for myself. So, I am thankful for my bad days. They led to a consistent abundance of good ones. They led to a strength and sound sense of self. They led to me finally offering myself a helping hand, and not stopping until I picked myself up off of the ground to move forward.

Because I was able to seek help, every other aspect of my life flourished. I kind of imagine it as though I were a tree of some kind – my roots (my past, my struggles, my identity and sense of self) were poorly planted and weak. As a result, the tree I became reflected my roots – I was unhappy, and my “branches” (aspects of my self) were barren, unable to produce. This unhappiness and sense of self were projected and embodied in almost every aspect of my life, my “branches” – my relationships (destructive, co-dependent, mistrustful), my education (unable to focus, do well, constantly self-criticizing), and my own relationship with myself (self-doubt, insecure, constantly anxious).

But. The minute that I began to “water” myself a little (through the self-help books, talking to others, the reaching out for professional help), everything changed. The roots began to strengthen regardless of past damage. The “tree” that I am began to grow once more. And then by cutting off some of the branches that would never grow again (pruning), the other branches began to bloom with flowers and leaves of vibrant colours.

I was in so much emotional and mental anguish that I had no choice but to seek help. That tiny little flicker of self-care and self-love that made me reach out for help of any kind has now grown into a roaring flame of love for myself, self-compassion, motivation, faith, and happiness.

Now, every aspect of my life will reflect the exact same amount of love and care as I move forward. Never again will I settle for mistrustful, destructive or growth-less relationships. Never again will I ever put myself down, berate myself, or blame myself. Every morning when I wake up, I will look at myself with the exact same kind of love that I look at the people in my life with. And every other relationship I cultivate in my life will flourish accordingly.

And it all “stems” from self-love. (Hehe, get it? Stem, tree. I’m punny).

Wow, this part of the log turned out to be a lot longer than I realized it would LOL. It’s been a nice refreshing change though, from my other surface logs that merely touched upon the circumstances of my days.

But, now I’m beginning to run out of time and I have to get ready for work! So, I’ll come home and finish this up before I go to bed, I promise. Until later then!

I’m back!

So, where was I?

Ah yes. After my appointment with Nadia.

So after my appointment, I headed over to Oshawa to hang out with Anne and Raina and it was a lot of fun! I helped Raina with one of her projects for school, and then we headed back to their place to catch up and talk. We ended up staying up so late that we didn’t get a chance to do yoga the next day, but it’s okay! I honestly really love just being in their company because they have such good positive vibes, which is what I need to be around.

The next day, I headed to work and I got some amazing news. Not only am I getting three hundred dollars’ worth of anything I want from either Nars, Shiseido, or Laura Mercier products and cosmetics, I also got a raise!!!!!!! Maria told me that I deserve it, so she managed to wrangle all of that for me. I was so, so incredibly happy and so thankful. I’m so glad that Maria is my counter manager – she’s one of the hardest working women I’ve ever met, and truly a sweetheart once you get to know her.

Also, later that night, Luna finally gave me back my stuff. I was slightly dreading it, wondering how awkward it would be. But then as we were walking to her car, she talked about how ill she’s been lately and how it’s been concerning to her. And then I realized – she was just as nervous about walking with me as I was. So, I told her I hoped she felt better and I wished her well.

I really don’t want to be someone who harbours a grudge towards anyone in this life. Energy is already so precious and it’s not that easily expendable, I can’t afford to feed any negative thoughts or energy by holding onto resentment against someone.

I’m going to try better to continue to wish her well, smile at her happily and say hi, and disengage from conversations where the same old story gets repeated over and over. I’m  letting go.

Moving on now (literally, hehe), in reference to my last log, I got to see the universe work in its super cool way yet again. I talked about trusting in the process when it came to Dylan, and funny enough he messaged me Wednesday night.

It was to DM me about these amazing kimchi fries that we tried the last time we hung out at Han Ba Tan, which we both drooled over. I ended up asking him how his new serving job was going, which led to him explaining that it’s been taking up all his free time over the weekends and that’s why he never ended up asking me to hang out when I got back from Antigua.

I told him it was all good and I understood, but that if he was ever free in the week he could hit me up and he said he would.

Now, I doubt he will, but that’s okay. If you really want to see someone, you’ll make the effort. So if he wants to, he will. I’m good with it all because I really am trusting in the universe and I’m okay with whatever happens. I’ve finally let go and it feels so, so good to just go with the flow and let things happen as they do.

Anyways, I think I’ve covered about everything so far! I kind of miss the girls from work since I’m not working as much but I saw Dianne again at the training, Lianna is back from India finally, and I was texting Sera for a while because I was helping her to find a vacation package for her and her fiancé. And Marilyn’s planned a girl’s night for all of us next week, which I’m really looking forward to. I miss Sera! I haven’t seen her since early this year and it feels like forever. She was texting me before I left to Antigua too because she may be getting another tattoo and she asked for my tattoo artist’s information. (Literally the coolest mom ever).

My shift today breezed by so there isn’t much to talk about on it, so I guess I shall draw this log to its close. I’m working early tomorrow and it’s late now, so I should go get some shut-eye. This was a good log though!

Until tomorrow,

Love always,

Me.

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