Day 28, 29, 30, 31 – January 28th – 31st, 2018

Hello! It’s been a couple days since I’ve had a moment to write, but thankfully it’s because I’ve been relatively busy! I’ve got a lot to catch up on as this month draws to a close, so here goes! (I’m a poet, hehe).

So let’s see… Sunday! I got together with Leila, Avery and Cory in downtown to watch the Raptors vs. Lakers game and it was tons and tons of fun. We started off by having dinner altogether first at Jack Astor’s, and I decided to have a lot of wine LOL. By the time we got to the game, I was already pretty tipsy, and I continued to have even more wine at the game, heh. But, it was great – there was this one point that I ended up laughing so hard that I cried and legit, what had happened wasn’t even that funny. Nonetheless, it’s safe to say I had a blast.

And dinner altogether was so nice; we caught up about the stuff that’s passed, talked and just enjoyed each other’s company as per usual. It’s always good vibes when it comes to us four, so it was nice to get together and hang out that way. Also, I actually really enjoy watching basketball games! They’re a lot of fun to watch since it’s a constant back and forth, and the hype during the game is truly infectious. I definitely hope to go to more as the season goes on!

So that was Sunday. Monday, I had a work shift that went by pretty quickly since I was once again at podium. Tuesday, I stayed home and missed my one class to do a reading in preparation for an assignment that was due today (an assignment that I was dreading starting, in all honesty). But more on that later.

After that, it was girl’s night at Marilyn’s house. So it was me, Marilyn, Daniella, Lianna, Dianne, Dana, Sharon, Maria and even Sera showed up a little later! Oh man, we had so, so much fun – I adore those ladies, I really do. I both look up to them AND love having a good time with them.

Something I got to touch upon, in regards to that night. When Sera finally got to us, she started telling Dana about her engagement and the proposal story. Which led to her talking about Dylan’s reaction, and how badly it went. And then she explained to me and Dana that the tension was still ongoing to this day, even though it’s been over a month since then. In fact, it had gotten worse.

They were still fighting about it, except the fights were getting much more vicious and prolonged. And the other day, Dylan’s youngest brother Jordan had said something to him that provoked him to the point that he slapped the poor kid and punched him, twice. Now, take in that Dylan’s doing jiu-jitsu and he was up against a fourteen year old kid… so of course, Sera lost her shit.

She told Dylan that she’s the mother and that she’s the one who does the disciplining, not him. Regardless of the fact that Dylan claims he helped to raise his brothers, when it comes down to it, it was all her. So, she didn’t give a flying fuck if the youngest brother had called Dylan every word in the book – what Dylan did was super wrong. She told him that he had serious anger management issues and that it’s a good thing he wasn’t dating because no girl on the planet would put up with the kind of attitude he has.

She also told him that if he didn’t like of what she was saying or the fact that she was marrying Chuck, that Dylan should just pack up all of his shit, get out, and move to the U.S. with his father. (She did mention that she regretted saying this, afterwards). But Dylan replied that he “couldn’t wait” to do so.

He also called her “retarded”, and a whole bunch of other vicious words. It got to the point that his youngest brother texted him to tell him that he wasn’t respecting Sera as a woman who birthed and raised him, his mother.

I was shook.

I still don’t quite know what to make of all this. Honestly, I just feel so deeply bad for Sera. She doesn’t deserve this. She’s sacrificed so, so much to make sure her kids had everything they could have possibly needed, despite everything she went through with her ex-husband.

I know it has nothing to do with me, but I do have some thoughts I’d like to voice about it.

For instance, man… I honestly thought he seemed so much more mature than this. I guess it goes to show, you never really truly know what’s going on beneath the surface, but time reveals all. I get why nothing ever came of me telling him about my feelings – it wasn’t meant to happen, he is so clearly not in any place whatsoever to be in a serious relationship, and he obviously has a lot more growing to do.

And you know, I honestly thought that his relationship with Sera was… I don’t know, I guess I saw the idealized version of it all. I get it, I get that this is a psychological, testosterone-driven lashing out against the fact that it appears that Chuck is taking Sera away from Dylan and in Dylan’s mind, this is his way of showing her how protective he is of her. But, not only is it driving her crazy, it’s also driving her away. She vented to us before that she already has a father – she doesn’t need Dylan to act like one towards her. She’s not his sister, or friend, or girlfriend – she’s his mom.

I guess in my mind, I don’t understand how Dylan just can’t be happy for Sera, no matter what that happiness entailed for her. Especially if it includes a stable and loving future with a man who makes her incredibly happy. I know his anger and resentment is stemming from a place of deep pain, fear and possibly resentment what with the closeness he still maintains with his father, but I just thought that the love and respect he had for Sera would outweigh all of those impulses. It’s been her and him from the start. But, now I think it’ll take years until he can see the matter for what it is. For now, the fear, anger, and pain is what’s going to drive him for some time to come. At least until he can come to terms with the idea that Chuck is not taking Sera away from him. And until he grows up and matures too.

I feel sorry for Chuck too. He loves Sera, and I’m sure he’s always wanted nothing more than to just be a part of their family. I know he did practically raise Jordan, which is why he has a pretty good relationship with him. But Derek (the middle brother) and Dylan have always been rather tense towards Chuck, even though he’s lived with Sera for a majority of their ten year relationship.

Not to mention, Sera explained that her ex-husband put a lot of negative ideas into Dylan and Derek’s heads about Chuck, purely out of jealousy.

But you know, because of the therapy I’ve done with Nadia, I can kind of understand that this is Dylan’s inner child reacting; his inner child has relied on Sera pretty much all his life. He’s told me himself that as a kid, he felt like his dad betrayed him by choosing his lifestyle over his kids and wife. Dylan probably has this deep intrinsic need to seek his father’s approval (regardless of the abandonment), and at the same time, hold onto his mom as tightly as he can since she was all he had growing up. And despite the fact that he may have grown used to Chuck’s presence over the years, in his inner child’s mind, this proposal seems like a massive uprooting change to the routine that he’s become accustomed to. In that vein, the ring that Chuck put on Sera’s finger probably seems like a dooming promise that Dylan will lose Sera for good, when he’s evidently not ready to do so.

This deep fear is probably causing all sorts of chain-reaction emotions – anger, fear of pain and rejection, resentment, desperation, and at the same time an intense loneliness that has him lashing out at those closest to him, and guilt from doing so. This fear must be so blinding and all-consuming that he’s failing to understand that nothing is going to change – Chuck is still going to be living with them, and that ring simply symbolizes a bunch of paperwork and a promise of the consistency that he’s already become so accustomed to.

Now I feel bad for him too. Poor guy.

I really hope that they can find a way to bridge this looming divide that’s growing bigger and bigger with each fight that they have. Life’s too short and anything can happen – I’m sure the last thing that either of them wants is for the last thing they’d ever said to each other to have been something in anger, you know? I know it’s so hard to sit down, set differences aside to really just listen to one another, but I truly hope that one day they’ll be ready to. They’re each hurt in their own ways – Sera’s hurt that she’s constantly put in the middle between the man she loves and her son, whom she’s meant to love unconditionally. And Dylan’s hurt for all kinds of reasons that ultimately stem from his deep love for his mom. When it comes down to it, the source of all of this fighting and strife comes from a love so big that it consumes them both. I hope one day they’ll be able to see that and come to some kind of compromise, because nothing on this earth would be worth them losing the relationship they’ve built since the day Dylan was born.

Well, I just psycho-analyzed the shit out of that situation, LOL.

At least I know I’m in the right place, eh? (Like I mean, in the sense of my degree goals heh).

Anyways!!!! Moving on.

So that was last night, which leads me to today, which is Wednesday, which was the day that my assignment was due.

Guess what.

I didn’t have to fight with myself today! I didn’t stress, I didn’t panic, I didn’t have anxiety about this paper. After understanding what the assignment entailed, I cleared my mind, set aside my distractions, and just let myself get started. And I did it! I finished it, and handed it in on time.

Man, those small victories are everything to me. It means so much to me that I can continuously learn and grow and fight against my self-imposed limitations, bit by bit. I can do this. I can finish this degree, and I’m going to graduate. This is exactly where I’m meant to be, right here, right now, and I couldn’t be prouder of myself.

It was a good day. It’s been an amazing week so far, actually!

The rest of this week I just have work shifts and a slight bit of free time here and there. But I believe Lianna will be coming over to dye my hair, which I’m really looking forward to. I can’t lie, I’m slowly getting addicted to becoming blonder and blonder. And who doesn’t love change, eh?

And so, as this month draws to a close, I would like to thank the universe for blessing me with yet another amazing growth-filled month of life. I travelled to a beautiful country with the two women I love the most on this earth, I got a raise and a huge work perk bestowed on me super early into my recent promotion in recognition of my hard work, I started once again on my amazing book collection, and I’m slowly beginning to reprioritize school the way that I’ve always wanted to. It’s been a good month.

I’m looking forward to everything February will have to offer! February will bring about reading week, more work hours, midterms, more assignments, spending more time with my friends and loved ones, possibly travelling for a couple days during reading week (IF IT’S FINANCIALLY FEASIBLE OF COURSE), more yoga and working out, and definitely more growth and learning, of course.

Until tomorrow then! (Or should I say, “until next month”… hehe).

Love always,

Me.

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