Day 33, 34, 35 – February 2nd, 3rd, & 4th, 2018

I am on a roll so far with February!!!! I have to quickly update everything that’s happened in the past couple days before I skedaddle off to bed. It’s been a busy couple days, but absolutely amazing for plenty of reasons.

Here’s the main one though. Okay so, recently I’ve been seeing signs and reminders everywhere of Radha – like old Facebook memories, and she recently followed me on her new Instagram account that she made for her new clients, which was amazing to see. And I don’t know, like… throughout these years, I’ve always felt so bad for the way that our friendship fell out. She reached out and I promised to make more of an effort, and I just didn’t. I quietly slipped away with no explanation whatsoever.

But now that I’m growing as a person and coming to terms with the motivations behind my old decisions, I’ve been starting to understand why I boxed her out. (More on that later).

Anyways, there was this like, feeling in me. That it was time to finally say everything I’ve wanted to tell her for so long. I’ve been doing this thing lately where I just rely on my intuition to guide me, and so far it’s been leading me right. So… I decided to message her on Instagram.

It started off with a simple, “Hey Radha! How are you?” at first. But then when I had seen that she’d seen the message but not replied, I decided to write a letter hoping she’d at least read it, even if she wasn’t willing to respond. So this is what I said:

“So, this is definitely completely out of the blue and it makes absolute sense if you’re wondering why on earth I’m messaging you after about four consecutive years of silence. I don’t expect a reply or acknowledgement of this message in any way, but I would like to take a moment to explain why I am reaching out to you after so long.

Honestly, I want to apologize to you, with the utmost sincerity, for the part I played in the falling out of our friendship. I can only imagine the hurt and confusion, (if there was any, I mean). I stepped back from you, away from our friendship without any explanation or reason why and time went on as it did. So please allow me to explain to the best of my ability (while understanding that I offer no excuses, nor do I ask for any pardons). Simply, an explanation.

While I know that everything happens as it’s meant to and for reasons beyond or our understanding, to this day I still think about the way things became what they were. You reached out time and time again, and I kept offering empty promises to make more of an effort, until one day there was nothing left but silence.

Honestly Radha, our friendship was very real to me – you always pushed me to see the good in myself, always encouraged me, you made me grow and you fed my mind and spirituality with the strength of your own. You were an inspiration to me, the way you pushed through your own personal struggles in the pursuit of your success. Your ambition to change the world and help others never dimmed, no matter what you went through. Your kindness, positivity and even your laughter was infectious.

But I was in such a dark place, I really was. I had no sense of self, I didn’t know what I wanted, I was unhappy and anxious and constantly second-guessing myself. I was skipping class, missing assignments, dropping out for months at a time, and often unnoticed by people I called “friends”. Except for you. You saw it all.

So, why did I step away? Why did I box you out?

And I know you may not particularly care now, since so much time has passed. But what I want you to understand in all of this, (which after all this time you probably already know), is that it had nothing to do with you. I was in no place in my life to offer you anything in return for your friendship, because I had nothing within me to even offer myself. So I ran.

I wish I could have been the kind of friend you deserved. But I wasn’t even a friend to myself at that point in my life. It was so much easier to hold everyone at an arm’s length than to deal with my own darknesses. I didn’t care enough about myself to reach out for help, and so I walked away from some of the only light I had in my life because a part of me didn’t think I deserved it.

It was selfish, I know it was. I know you had your own struggles and yet you never failed to be there for me, regardless. But I couldn’t do the same for you.

Time has gone on, and I’m sure now you have settled into your life as it’s become. I can’t presume to know who you’ve become now after all of this time, but I’m sure you are stronger, more resilient and more positive than ever. I know without a doubt you’re impacting lives and making the difference that you sought to make, and I couldn’t be happier for you.

So maybe these words don’t matter, but I still feel the need to say them, at least once; I’m sorry. I truly am. I’m sorry for the hardships I wasn’t there for, I’m sorry for walking away with no explanation. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to you sooner, and I so truly hope you never spent a moment wondering if it was you or something you’d done.

I can’t change what’s happened or the choices I made, and I’ve come to terms with this fact. But I’m at a point in my life where I realize that if I don’t say these words to you, I will carry them with me. And if I never got a chance to say them to you, they’d become a regret.

You’re a beautiful soul Radha, you really are. I hope that your life is filled to the brim with happinesses, contentment and peace. I hope that you’ve achieved everything you’ve sought out to do. I hope that you’ve tackled every one of your challenges with the vigour and determination that I always saw shine through you. I know that that smile of yours is touching everyone you meet, and I’m glad. You are remarkable and you’ll always have an unforgettable presence.

Well, I suppose I’ll draw this to a close now! I truly don’t expect anything from this, just that these words find you somehow, even if you only skim through a couple of them. You don’t owe me a response, nor am I hoping for one – I just wanted you to know these things and perhaps, feel the extent of my sincerity, and hopefully set your heart free of any old resentments (if there were any!)

You’ll always be someone I care about! You touched my life, you made me grow and I’ll never forget the lessons you taught me, the way you mirrored the best parts of myself to me. I hope I did even a fraction of the same for you, at one point.

You’re going to be someone who changes the world, I know it. In some way or form, you will. The kindness in your heart is too big not to! So, I wish you well, in all that you’ll do, in everyone you will meet, and in all the things you will continue to learn as time goes on, and all the people you will teach. Anyone who gets the chance to know you and have you in their life is blessed, as I once was some time ago. Take care, Radha.”

And that’s why I ran. She was always in that place of higher consciousness and awareness; our conversations and shared ideas always fed my mind and soul. But because of the place I was in at that time in my life, it scared me. I couldn’t fathom it. I didn’t know how to reciprocate it consistently.

Anyways, she did read it. And… she responded.

At first, when she was typing, I felt fear. What if she affirmed everything I said and told me that too much time had passed for reconciliation? I hadn’t sent that message hoping for anything more than just the words finding her, and so that fear made me realize that I kept saying “I don’t expect a response” because I wasn’t quite sure what exactly she would say back to me. But as the messages began to come in, the fear lessened and floated away, and peace settled in. This was her response to me:

“In more ways than one I understand everything you’ve said to me in those very full messages, and I recognize more than just the words you say – and as always the silent call of emotional poetry between them. I spent some time questioning and wondering, but I don’t blame you nor am I upset at you. Because these emotions you’re feeling are more than just momentary episodes, it has a prolonged echo to them.

I guess I just give without looking back, and so I truly did and do everything as selflessly as I can – and like I told you, I don’t give in hopes of getting back, regardless of how much effort or time I put into things. When things or people leave, it hurts but pain in itself builds you. And so I don’t take it personally. I genuinely and truly appreciate that you took the time to explain all that you’ve felt and held for so many years, it takes courage – but not courage to tell me, rather courage to hear you say the words coming from yourself.

We are all just reflections of one another, trying to heal our brokenness in the only ways we know how. I know it must’ve been tough for you as well, and I say this in the most humble way – I understand what my presence does to people. I know the extent to which I can affect people and how my ability to hold a flame to their darkness scares them. I know that being in my life takes courage because I don’t aim to succeed alone, because I push the people in my life to love and thrive with me. I don’t believe in succeeding alone.

Believe it or not, in the last four years you aren’t the only one to run away from me. – but you’re not physically running from me, you’re running from the person I help you see that you can become. Change is uncomfortable and uneasy. It takes patience and perseverance, but most importantly it takes a support network, one I know you’ve found hard to find.

I know it’s weird to say, but there’s nothing to be sorry for! If everyone we met stayed in our life we would never have room for the people we need to grow in to, or out of. That’s why relationships and friendships come and go, because everyone we encounter changes us – and if they can’t keep up with our growth they must leave. And sometimes they reconnect, like this.

I know this sounds weird but I saw myself in you, an older self that also ran from happiness and change and I wanted to take you with me on the journey so you could see it doesn’t always have to be that way. But it wasn’t in our cards to do that, and that’s okay. Don’t be mad at yourself for it!

Dealing with your darkness, it’s something no one else can help you with. And yes losing your friendship added to my darkness but it eventually lead to my light. We can’t avoid hurting people, it’s inevitable – pain is what teaches us about ourselves. As Rumi once said, the wound is where the light enters. And we as humans, we would never wound ourselves directly, but we need the light – and so we agree to these soul contracts where “other people” hurt us so we can learn and grow.

We are all one consciousness, always connected. There’s no room for sadness, hate, greed, pain- that’s all self-inflicted. We choose to let things hurt us in the same way we choose to let things make us happy.

And so I’ve learned how to choose better, but most importantly put myself and my pain before anything else. I don’t know what this means for us and our friendship, and I truly hope the family is doing well! (Especially jack, he was always my fav) and I really don’t know how I want to proceed with this, not because I don’t care about you. But because it’s not something I expected. So it’s going to take some time to internalize. I’m in such a different place and I’m such a different person now.

It’s weird to me when people from the “past” pop up. It’s like I get to revisit who I was in their eyes, and oddly enough last night I had some entirely unexpected revelations. So even these messages contribute to my ongoing inner search for truth.

One things I’ve truly learned the hard way, is choosing who and where you spend your time. I give unlimitedly and try to save everyone I meet, but the people around you have to want what’s best for you – even if it makes them unhappy. If you’re happy they should be happy for you. That’s how I gage people. Care is a thing that is so amply varied. And it’s hard to find good human beings. I did think about you a lot and send you a lot of light, love and prayers as your thoughts popped up.

I don’t think I ever stop caring for anyone really, I’ve just become less socially conformed. External stimulus drains me, intellectual conversations and spirituality is all that drives me, it’s the only real good use of your time. It’s the only thing you do for yourself actually.

I’m introverted and meticulous. I wouldn’t even know where to start about myself. I am curious to know how you’ve grown and who you are now, but I also know that everything happens for a reason. No door is ever really closed, just temporarily unvisited.”

Ah, she wrote back so incredibly beautifully well. It was like music to my ears (or eyes?) to read everything she wrote, she always had such an amazing way with words.

But man, my heart. My heart was (and is) so content and full.

I can’t explain why I’ve reached out now, after four years. Radha’s always been like a spiritual guide to me. Maybe, just maybe, I’m at a point in my life where I don’t need to take from her – I’ve filled my own well enough to be able to exchange energy and ideas with her without fear or need for more.

She reminds me so much of Raina. Filled to the brim with this unshakeable sense of calm and awareness, an aura that you immediately feel content to be in or around.

Anyways, I replied back:

“I don’t quite know where to begin with addressing everything you’ve just said! But I’ll start off by expressing my utmost gratitude that you took a moment to read everything I wrote to you, and even more so that you replied to me with such beautiful, thought-provoking words. Your words have always meant the world to me, always stayed with me.

You know, deep down as I was typing everything, I had a feeling that you knew. You knew exactly why I fled, that you knew I was really running from the person you saw I could be because I could not see it myself at that time.

But even then, I’ve thought about doing this time and time again, and you’re right – not just because I wanted you to hear these words but also because I wanted to say them out loud to myself, to acknowledge what had happened and the part I played in it. Saying it set me free from that attachment to the past, and your response has both warmed my heart and opened my eyes further.

I understand that you don’t quite know what this may mean moving forward and that you need some time to consider the significance of it all, but if you don’t mind I’d like to explain briefly what’s led me to this point because it somewhat coincides with some of what you’ve said.

So as simply as I can say, I was lost in darkness back then and I had no way out nor was I looking to find one. Until one day I realized I couldn’t spend any more years feeling like I was in the same place, stagnant and without growth or hope. And the universe, some higher power heard the pleas I had no strength to utter – I found solace in books that opened my eyes, conversations with strangers who offered wisdom, and ultimately I finally sought help and got into therapy.

And since then, I’ve been seeking nothing but growth. I’ve been striving to maintain this new found level of consciousness, trying to cultivate mindfulness and awareness into a habit rather than just a temporary epiphany or fleeting moment of clarity.

Above all of this, the one thing that ignited in myself that led me to this new journey, was faith. Faith was what I was searching for all along, faith in myself, faith in something bigger than my being and deeper than anything I’ve ever experienced, faith in the process and in whatever could be.

Your faith, in all aspects, has always been an inspiration to me. Unwavering, even in the hardest of times. A true flame in the dark. So throughout these years, as I began to uncover my truths and as I began to grow, I just felt that the only way to be free of my attachments to the past was to accept them, embrace that I couldn’t change them, but also say them out loud.

I thought of you often throughout these years because you were always in this place, this place of higher consciousness. You brought it out in me too. I wasn’t ready for it then and I didn’t understand it so it never lasted for long, because I had no faith to fuel it to consistency. But when I look back now, I can see I’ve always had this knowledge intrinsically within me too. I just needed to feed it, believe in it, be open to it and aware of it.

I’m still learning. I’m still seeking that growth. I’m with you on that same boat where I also crave nothing more than conversations of real substance and depth. I grew tired of living life on “autopilot”, letting days pass by in a blur with no meaning or significance, getting lost in the same conversations based on mundanity or small-mindedness. I want nothing more than to continue growing upwards into what I know will feed my mind, spirit, and soul for as long as I’m allowed to walk this earth. It’s definitely easier said than done but I’m trying.

But I’ll leave it at that for now! I want to also express that I am so glad you have found your light through the dark, that you are so aware of yourself and your capacity to reflect at others all that they can be. It makes me so happy to hear that you chose yourself, learnt everything that you have. Throughout these years, I always wished that for you.

I’m so appreciative of the fact that you understood so deeply and still wished me light and love throughout these years too. I know throughout the time that passed I definitely felt your energy.

I completely understand that this is a lot to take in and that you don’t quite know what this means and that you need some time to consider the significance of it all but I’m curious about you too! About everything you’ve experienced, all the lessons you’ve collected along these years, the ways in which you’ve grown and the person you are today. I’m open to anything, I also believe in doors never quite closing but I also understand if this is all that was meant to be said.

I hope your family is doing well too! Jack is still thriving at his old age of 11 now, heh, and my family is also doing well. Thank you again Radha, so much for everything you said to me in your response. Your words, poignant, meaningful and well-said as always, have left me with a sense of peace. I also believe we’re all one collected consciousness, and I felt no fear in saying all I said. After having finally put my faith in the universe, the collective energy that we are, I know that everything comes from a place of love and light and that’s all I could ever wish for you!”

She replied to this, but this time asking if I was free. Long story short, we’ve made plans to grab some food to eat this coming Sunday, a week from today!!!!!!!!!!!!! We both agreed that this was a conversation better held in person.

Later on, she showed me that she still had the little rope bracelet of Ganesh that I brought back for her from Sri Lanka years ago, the same kind of bracelet that still resides on my wrist after almost 7 years. I wanted to cry, it was so nice to see that. Ganesh is the Hindu god of “removing obstacles”, of dreams and protection and guidance. It’s rather symbolic that that’s still something we share – in a way, by removing the obstacle of my pride or ego, I was able to reach out to her again.

A part of me is nervous, and a part of me is not. The nervous part of me must be my surface self, the part of me that my deeper self fights against on a daily basis. The nervous part of me is scared that I am still nowhere near close to where she is in regards to consciousness and awareness. That nervous part of me is worried that I won’t be able to be myself because it’s afraid my self isn’t enough.

But the deeper part of me, the part that I’ve been listening to and trusting in lately, has faith. Faith that everything happens for a reason, and that this occurrence that has happened because of conspiring with the universe, was meant to be. The deeper part of me knows not to fear it, because I’ve come a long way from the person I once used to be. I admit that I’m still learning and that I have ways to go, but the fact is is that I’m trying harder than I ever have to remain afloat in the conscious awareness.

So we’ll see how things go. I’m excited too, I’ve truly missed her and I’m so looking forward to seeing her.

I’ve been so lucky to meet some incredible souls in this life time, souls full of wisdom and light and love. I hope to be the same kind of soul and surround myself with that light.

I’ve noticed I’ve been watching myself more than I ever have before. My reactions, my thoughts, the narrative that runs commentary in my mind as my day unfolds. It’s been getting better and better – I’ve been able to catch the more judgemental thoughts to retract them and think kinder thoughts in their place, and I’ve been able to see the reaction beginning to brew in my physical body before it actually occurs. Sometimes I even have just enough time to remember to not react.

It’s a process, for sure. But I’m trusting in it. I’m trusting in me.

Anyways, it’s getting late now so I must draw this to a close. I will write tomorrow to continue updating, because I definitely have to find a brief moment to mention Jake (my new-found Tinder friend who I’ve been talking to non-stop over the course of this week) as well as what I’m intending this week to look like for me.

Until then!

Love and light always,

Me.

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