Day 36 + 37 – February 5th & 6th, 2018

The universe never ceases to amaze me with its constant surprises and synchronicities! So yesterday (Monday), I had a shift at work (which went really well, it was super chill). And half way through my shift, Radha ended up texting me to let me know that some of her plans had shifted and that she was actually free to catch up that night! And funny enough, my own shift got extended so I was going to be at Yorkdale anyways, so I told her that I was down. We both marvelled at the fact that the universe has its own ways of bringing things about sometimes, LOL.

So, after both of our work shifts, she met me at Joey’s. When she first came in, honestly it felt like nothing changed. She hugged me, and we headed up to our booth to settle in.

I don’t even know where to begin (which is ironic because we kept saying the exact same thing while we were sitting together, LOL). The task of catching up after five years seemed like a super daunting task, but we somehow managed to get into it. We ended up staying at the restaurant past midnight! And even then, there was still so much more to be said.

I’m not going to go into detail because there was simply so much of it, but I’ll briefly highlight parts of the conversation here and there that I would like to touch upon.

Let’s see… okay so, I insisted that we start with her first (I was honestly so curious, I couldn’t wait! And also I had no idea where to start with myself too honestly). So, she did her best to explain every aspect of her life that’s occurred and passed since we’d spoken last. And man, the shit she’s been through… I would have never guessed.

She was definitely different – more honest and straightforward, very direct and open-minded, and she swears like a sailor now LOL! She’s still got that same old humour though, that was something that didn’t change.

We were both super honest with each other; she told me that she was worried that this was going to be super awkward and that we wouldn’t have anything to say to each other, and I admitted to her that I was nervous for the better part of the day. Uncertainty can always be a little fearsome, and she agreed.

She also told me about how her mom and her best friend reacted – they were both super apprehensive and protective on her behalf, but she understood that I was no longer the person I was five years ago and that’s why she wanted to give hanging out a shot, to see for herself all the ways in which I’ve changed.

Our conversation had one very common theme as we weaved through the details of our pasts and present though – we discussed the power of the universe, of the mind and the fact that there’s no such thing as coincidence. We talked about spirituality; she told me about her time in India with her guru as I listened rapturously to her tales of meditation and connection to her divine mother and Lakshmi.

I told her about my own past five years – all the things that led to my conscious awakening and newfound sense of self, the way I found strength and faith through leaving the comfort zone of my relationship with Nick, the way I found both solace and eye-opening wisdom through the many books I read and the people I met.

Towards the end of it all, we kind of sat for a bit to take in everything each of us said. And then we both collectively realized that despite all of that catching up, we still weren’t anywhere near knowing each other as we are now. Neither of us identify ourselves with our pasts, neither of us have any attachments to them. We acknowledged that what’s happened has contributed to who we’ve become now, but the fact remained that it was basically as though two familiar strangers were sitting before one another. It was a strange paradox.

She ended up giving me a ride home, and then she came in to say hi to Olivia and my mom. Even my cat came up to her and greeted her like an old friend, which was quite funny to see. Those brief moments brought about more familiarity than any other part of the night had.

After she got home, we texted for a little bit and she told me that it would take some time to get used to the idea of it all, and I agreed and understood. That five year gap was enough to shed our old selves – moving forward would probably entail a more of a “getting to know you” kind of feel as opposed to catching up. She also mentioned that she was kind of hesitant because of how close to home the end of our friendship hit when I first left, and I told her that whatever she needed moving forward I was open to, no matter what it entailed.

I don’t think either of us quite know what this means, but I also think we’re both okay with that fact. It’s going to be a matter of going with the flow and just going with how we feel. I know we can’t go back to the way things were because neither of us are who we once were, so it’s going to be interesting to see what manifests as time goes on. I’m so down to hang out when we’re free to, because I know now that we can share energy and ideas freely and openly with no filter. Each of us is at peace with who we are today, while also understanding we still have ways to go.

It’s going to take a lot of honesty and communication if we’re going to have some semblance of a friendship, moving forward. But I’m up for it! I know it’s going to take some time for her to maybe let down her walls completely to let me in, but that’s okay. Either way, we’ll see what’s meant to be when it comes to this. I’m grateful to the universe and I’m also grateful to her for being so open and transparent about everything.

I hope we’ll hang out again sometime soon. In some time, I’ll message her again to see if she’d be up for it and we’ll go from there.

I know now more than ever that the more you allow the universe into your life, the more you’ll be able to work with it to manifest the intentions you so deeply conspire to achieve.

Oh which reminds me! A direct example of this that just recently occurred:

So, earlier last month I was kind of worried about the fact that I wasn’t getting as much hours and I was seriously considering going back to my old second job to make a little extra money on the side.

Two things happened, one after the other. One: I got a raise. Two: Sharon (our company’s main demo) got another job, which means she needed less hours. Charlize, our other main demo, is going to be off for the better part of February and when she gets back, she’ll be joining the team but on an associate capacity, no longer a demo. Dianne doesn’t want much hours as it is. And out of the blue, the company rep called Maria and let her know she suddenly had a ton of extra hours. So, guess who’s getting a vast majority of the hours this month and definitively moving forward.

Me.

And when I say vast majority of the hours, I’m not exaggerating – legit, during my reading week, I’m working as many hours as I did during Christmas.

I’ll be able to really start building up my finances again! I’ll be able to pay off my credit card and truly start saving properly!!!

THANK YOU UNIVERSE!!!!

But also, I now see the direct meaning behind the phrase “be careful what you wish for”.

While I am highly grateful for all of these hours, school has to be my main priority, it has to be. So I’m making a compromise with myself right this moment: if at any moment the amount of hours I’m working impact my mental health or my ability to focus on school and keep it as my main priority, I have to put my foot down and reduce my hours. Money will come and go and I need to lessen my attachment to it.

Promise me, me. Promise me that you’ll let go if you have to. I know in your mind that money is freedom, but it isn’t. It’s not worth sacrificing your mental health or your other priorities. Learn to spend more wisely and you’ll always have exactly as much as you need. You don’t need more than that.

Okay, I promise. I do.

Well, that’s about it regarding that! Now, to address another topic that I’ve been meaning to discuss for a little while now.

Okay so, I just quickly skimmed through my prior logs and I don’t think I really talked about this, so I’m going to do some quick backtracking in order for any of the following to make sense.

A couple weeks ago, I joined Tinder (as per usual, out of both boredom and curiosity). At first, I matched with this guy who was absolutely stunning – super fit, gorgeous eyes and mouth, the works. We had made plans to hang out, but after a brief while of talking to him, I realized that he was super childish and immature and that not even his good looks were enough to compel me to still hang out with him (no offence). Regardless of what I may be looking for (casual fun or whatever else), I would rather it be with someone who has a similar emotional and mental maturity as me.

And if it’s possible… I think I may have met someone who does.

Okay so, there’s this guy named Jake – he’s from the UK, blonde, cute, and apparently tall (his bio says he’s 6’2, ooh la la). We matched about two weeks ago or so and we’ve been talking consistently every day since. Not all the time though – we send each other these super long and lengthy messages addressing each and every topic in reply to what the other said, like a once-a-day correspondence kind of thing. But man, the things we’ve talked about in that time!

It started with him complimenting me in a very gentlemanly English way, which immediately piqued my interest because it was unlike any of the other typical “would smash” messages that I was getting on tinder, LOL. And before I knew it, we started talking about everything else – our long term goals and plans for life, work, school, our mutual fondness for books (he’s currently reading a book on my book list that he just happened to have), society, you name it.

He seems quite self-aware, super intellectual, and he’s very well-spoken, (including all the endearing UK slang terms and phrases he uses while talking to me like “innit”, and “kidda”). He’s got an amazing sense of humour that’s quite similar to my own, and he also believes that everything happens for a reason the same way that I do! Not to mention, he’s also cheesy (like me), and he’s watched the Office a billion times over (okay, four times, which I delightfully found out when he made a reference to Robert California).

He’s currently back in the UK because his grandmother passed away when we first started talking. At first, we agreed to do coffee when he gets back but as the conversation progressed onwards, it turned into dinner and a “first date” (which I have to admit, I’m really, really looking forward to. I can’t wait to hear how he speaks in person, ahhh!). I still have yet to ask when he’s coming back though; amongst all the things we’ve been talking about that’s the one thing I keep forgetting to ask.

And, here comes the “but”, LOL.

But. … I’m slightly scared. For a couple things, thoughts that I know have no real weight or substance but I’m going to go ahead and address them anyways and then counter them afterwards.

First off, I’m worried that it’s too good to be true. Second, if it’s not too good to be true and he really is as great as he seems, I’m worried that I’m going to catch feelings once again based on the potential I see rather than actually knowing him properly.

A counter-but though; but, regardless of those little worries, the deeper part of me isn’t worried because: one, if he is too good to be true and we aren’t simpatico after meeting him in person, then that’s cool and it’s life and life goes on, no harm or foul. I’ll have gained a cool new friend if anything. And two, if he is that great then hey, that’s awesome. And furthermore, I learnt my lesson about catching feelings before really getting to know someone deeper after what happened with Dylan. I don’t regret that, but I did learn a very valuable lesson as a result of it all.

So when it comes to this, I do promise to myself that regardless of these super sweet messages (which I just have to address after this), and regardless of whatever “potential” I may see, I will be cautious about my feelings. There is absolutely no reason to fall until I get to know this person deeper as a friend first. After all, I myself am not even quite sure what I’m searching for or what I want out of this or what I want in regards to relationships right now anyways! So, I’m just going to have to go with the flow, cautiously but openly.

All logic and rationale aside though for a moment… this guy is actually so cute.

Like, I even felt comfortable sending him my booklist and I talked about how those books I’ve read have helped me to get to where I am now. And he says things like: “Don’t know whether I said this already but I was thinking it when I couldn’t log in yesterday, you seem like the type of person who improves everyone else around you just by being you!”

(Which reminds me – there was a day or two he couldn’t get into his tinder account and he got so annoyed that he ended up writing tinder a “strongly-worded” email because he was worried we wouldn’t be able to talk to one another again, and this was before we actually exchanged numbers and that stuff – so cute).

And he asks so many questions about me, like genuine questions! There was this one point he was asking about this one picture I had (it was of me at the Armani launch party with the red carpet and celebrity-esque backdrop) and he joked that he’d thought he’d matched with some Canadian celebrity he didn’t know of. So I explained what my job entails and all the cool work perks, but I also joked that I should have gone along with telling him that I was famous even if I didn’t quite know what I would have been famous for. And he was like, “Famous psychologist, self-help author, world record holder for nicest person ever? Any of those would have been believable 😉 and okay so there’d be no point ever buying you perfume as a gift then… Just making a note n’ that!”

And like, as we kept talking, the more similarities I kept seeing we have in common! He also enjoys writing too, and I told him it’s always been a secret dream of mine to write a book and be published. And then he was like, “Well the secret’s out now Steph, you’re gonna have to make a start on that book! I like writing too (love’s a bit strong for me), but I’d be in the same boat as you. I’d go with fiction but I haven’t given much thought to the subject matter. I think it’d probably start with a guy matching this amazing girl on tinder and ends with them living happily ever after but the middle bit I’m not sure (oh the cheese, forgive me hahahah).”

First of all, smooth as hell. Second of all, CHEESY! Just like meeeeeee!!!! I told him that we could collaborate on the middle part together (that was me being smooth now, hehehehe. I also told him I’m cheesy too).

It just kept getting better and better though. Like when we started talking about our mutual love of the Office, I admitted I’ve only watched it twice over whereas he’s watched it about four times over. And he was like “Hahah we’ll catch up together (wait how would that work? Idk but any excuse to lay in bed and watch the office with you, sounds like fookin’ heaven 😍), definitely my favourite comedy. I’d have to say Creed’s my favourite but Jim and Dwight’s “charming back and forth” as Jim calls it is a close second, followed by Robert California.”

And in regards to when we finally meet? “Honestly, right speaking to you has proper helped me focus my mind more on deciding what I want to do… If you’re doing this to me after a few tinder messages (lengthy as they are lol), then I expect to walk away from our first date feeling like a new man! I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see which way it goes, although either way I don’t think I’ll be taking my eyes off you…”

Um, swoon much?

Sigh.

Honestly, whatever this does end up turning into or whatever it becomes, this has been so much fun!!! I mean, it took a crap ton of swiping right and left to find one decent human being on that god-forsaken app, but it’s been worth it LOL. We’ll see where this goes! I’m just going to go with the flow, after everything I’ve learnt that letting go and letting be will never lead me wrong and I know it with the utmost faith and certainty.

I’m so glad and thankful for all of the lessons I’ve learnt in these past years man. The failed relationships, whatever happened with Dylan last year, I don’t regret any of it. The other day, I even caught myself feeling thankful for Nick cheating on me, LOL! Honestly though – that taught me that I can survive any amount of pain and come through it on the other side, reborn and so much stronger.

These things have taught me to run towards pain too. Not in a sadistic sense I mean – like, I’ve realized that the fear of pain is so, so much worse than the pain itself! Fear holds you back, creates monsters in your mind, taints the beauty of life, creates comfort zones that you never want to leave from, that you can never grow in. But pain is pure. Pain is a real teacher. Pain amounts to strength. I have nothing to gain from fearing it.

^ wow.

I’m bolding that so I know what to come back to if I ever catch myself fearing the pain of rejection, or the pain of “failure” or any kind of other pain, ever again.

I’m just so thankful. I’m so grateful, for everything and everyone in my life and everything I’ve learnt. What a life it’s been thus far. And if I’m lucky, if it’s meant to be, I still have so much more to experience. Regardless of the past and future though, I am happy, right now. In this present moment, I cannot ask for anything more than this deep sense of peace and gratitude.

What a great log this turned into!

Anyways, I’m going to start wrapping it up. Tomorrow after class, I’m going to be heading to Oshawa to hang out with Raina and Anne and to do some yoga with them in the morning, and then Thursday after class and before I go to work, I’m going to be hanging out with Avery for a little bit after his massive interview to help him weigh out the pros and cons of the two opportunities he’s currently considering. After that, Friday I’ve got work, Saturday is gala, and I’m also going to be hanging out with Leila! All in all, the rest of this week is looking to be quite busy but I’m truly looking forward to it.

I’ll find a moment to write when I can! I got to get back to my everyday consistency, even if it means brief short logs.

Until then!

Love, love, love always,

Me.

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