Day 38, 39, 40 – February 7th, 8th, & 9th, 2018

Hello! Took a little break from writing, honestly this week was a little bit of a mess.

Let’s see… I haven’t missed much in regards to Wednesday, I didn’t end up going to Oshawa because it was snowing like mad (and still is, there’s been endless amounts of snow as of late).

Yesterday and today I had work.

I’ve been in a… I don’t know, I guess a bit of a low. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Because, I’ve worked out, I organized my agenda for this month, I’ve been meditating, and I’m almost done reading a new book called “The Four Agreements”, which has actually been an amazing read thus far.

I haven’t been eating well though, so maybe it has something to do with that? I need to get back to eating healthy once more, because it did make a noticeable difference when I was being more conscientious about it – I had more energy, my anxiety dissipated, and there were no low points for a while.

It might have also been a small altercation I had at work today with Ali, which I tried to breathe through and not react to. Man, it’s so hard when you’re in that moment and surrounded by so much negative energy. Like literally just being around his presence makes me feel… gross? Like, I know everyone’s suffering is self-imposed and comes from a place of great pain. I don’t know him or his story. I want so badly to offer him empathy. So maybe this is the universe testing my newfound resolve to practice loving-kindness towards all.

But honestly? He feels like a bully to me, and I hate bullies.

Sigh.

I’ll try to do better, I’ll try to be kinder. There is a Buddha-nature within each and every one of us, so I’ll just try harder to see his, too.

Okay, just typing that lessened a bit of pressure I felt on my heart, so that’s good.

Let’s see, what else would I like to talk about?

Ah yes – so, I found out that Jake’s not coming back from the UK until April or so; he’s waiting on some friends to come back with him, and his health isn’t doing well so he’s taking care of it there (since he wouldn’t be covered for it here). I do hope he feels better, but I got to admit that was interesting to find out! First thing I thought though, was that everything happens for a reason so maybe we’re just not meant to meet yet! It’s been amazing conversations thus far, but if that’s all it’s meant to be for the time being, that’s cool. I’m sure all will make sense in due time.

In the meanwhile though, I’m trying to make the most of being on the app by making plans with some other potential guys, mostly just for fun! I was supposed to have a date tonight incidentally (it’s Friday), but he ended up flopping last minute. Which is fine, honestly he seemed kind of strange anyways – he talked like a straight fuckboy and was very wishy-washy. I’m pretty sure my conversation with Jake has pretty much spoiled me LOL it’s been so good that every other interaction palls in comparison.

Oh well! That’s all good and fun but literally, last thing on my mind. It’s more of a distraction if anything, just something to pass time by while I do my own thing.

Yesterday and today, Avery came by work to visit and we hung out for a while. Yesterday I was helping him weigh out some pros and cons for two jobs that he’s been interviewing for (he had straight interviews all week) and today we grabbed some drinks after he finally got through all the interviews.

Today while we were hanging out, we had a pretty good conversation! He actually made some pretty good points about me that made me think. He started out by saying that I frustrated him! When I laughingly asked why, he explained that it was because he could so clearly see what I’m good at, what comes naturally to me, and that’s helping people in whatever way that I can. It didn’t make sense to him that I still hadn’t graduated yet when I was so clearly meant for doing something that I obviously loved to do.

So we talked about it, we tried to figure out what’s been holding me back or why I’ve been struggling so much. A lot of it stemmed from me feeling like I never chose this path for myself – I was taught and conditioned to go through high school with the aim of going to university with the end goal of getting a career and then inevitably paying bills and making money until I die. Nothing I’ve ever done has ever felt like it was for me.

We also figured out that while I loved my parents, I also resented the amount of pressure they put on me to get through university – while I understand that it comes from a place of deep love and encouragement, it felt like I was a show-pony who couldn’t jump high enough through hoops, that I was never good enough. I know they never meant to make me feel this way, but the years’ worth of guilt, shame and anger I felt towards myself stemmed also from a place of resentment I felt towards my parents, something I’m trying to work through now.

So now, my deep desire to help people has to somehow outweigh everything else – I have to want this for me, on my own terms, for myself. I have to do this, not because I’ve been forced to or solely to make my parents happy and proud; those will be great consequential rewards, sure. But, I have to do it for me before I do it for anyone else.

I also need discipline – a lot of my lack of consistency comes from a lack of discipline. I give in to my own wants quite easily; I wanted to travel last year so I did. Which was more time spent away from prioritizing my degree. While I wouldn’t trade those adventures for anything in the world, now I believe that there’s a reason Luna and I fell out this year.

Avery told me straight up he thinks I should put travelling on the back burner for now. At least until I get through this degree. He even suggested I take some time away from work, because I admitted that right now, money’s been my motivation above all.

He’s honestly so right.

I know he is, which is why I don’t really allow myself to think about it a lot. But these are the things I have to do. It’s okay to have a part time and work 15 hours a week. But come on, 30-40 hours a week? I’m basically working a full-time job. Where exactly does that leave time for school?

I told Avery yet another realization I had – this job has become my comfort zone. I genuinely enjoy it, I enjoy sales and I like what I do and I have an attachment to the resultant paycheque. But I can’t settle for this, regardless of how easy and convenient it is for me.

I’m destined for more than this, I have to be. I would not have been blessed with everything that I was if I wasn’t meant for more.

It was a really good conversation. I like that he challenges me to think like that too, and he also told me that I’m like his therapist who makes him see things about himself that he hadn’t even realized (or wanted to realize LOL. I told him he’s stuck with me so he better get used to it).

I’m honestly so lucky to have the people in my life that I do. And I’m so glad that after all this time, I get to grow with them and watch them grow too. I’m truly grateful.

 

Anyways, I feel a lot better now after having written! Maybe it was also that a lot of my energy was getting blocked up and clouded with the amount of thoughts swirling around in my head.

Tomorrow there’s gala at work, and then I’m going to go hang out with Leila! Maybe I can convince her to meditate with me for a little, I think that would be a lot of fun for us and good for us as well. I can’t wait to catch up and hear how things have been going with her as of late! It’s been a while and I miss her.

Well, it’s getting late now so I’ll wrap this up! Olivia’s currently out on her tinder date, which seems to be going a lot more successfully than my non-date, LOL. I’m happy for her and so proud of her for getting out there!!

If I can’t find a moment to write tomorrow, I promise I will on Sunday.

Until next time,

Love always,

Me.

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