Day 52 + 53 – February 21st & 22nd, 2018

Hello! Okay so, I think I’m just going to start this log by writing whatever comes into my head, which I haven’t really done in a while – I usually go by like, chronological order by discussing what’s passed and what’s happening and what’s to come and then my thoughts on those matters, but I never really just sit and let myself type, do I?

So, what’s up me?

Let’s see…

Omg, I was thinking about how my phone is figuratively a black hole (trying to change up how often I say “literally”, LOL). I hear the vibrate, it’s a notification for god knows what app, and then I end up spending god knows how long scrolling through someone’s cousin’s mother’s best friends life, purely out of boredom and curiosity. It’s mundane! It’s crazy! What am I doing!?!?

I need to spend more time away from my phone. I get this anxious feeling whenever I start vaguely thinking about some text that I’ve left unanswered when I’m busy or working, what is that!? I don’t like the attachment I have to my phone. I need to mindfully allot a certain amount of time to it per day, and carry on with the rest of my daily tasks without thinking about it.

It’s a great way to stay connected with people, I know. But it’s not doing anything for me when I’m mindlessly scrolling through the same feeds or the same tweets and the same regurgitated content on a constant repetitive basis.

There’s a whole vast life happening outside of it. Every moment is an opportunity to appreciate the beauty of the present moment, the “now” that we will never see again once it passes.

If I want to be in the now, truly in the present moment, I must understand that I can’t spend a majority of my life seeing it through the screen of a phone, even the lens of a camera. As much as I try to document my life or capture those rare fleeting moments of utter beauty, I have to understand that the beauty of life is only beautiful because it’s fleeting – it’s meant to be enjoyed fully in the moments that are given to us, and then we let go.

Suffering comes from the idea of attachment. Attachment to what once was, to what’s to come – if we continue to yearn for the past or stay waiting for something in the future, all we’ll ever be in our present moments is in states of aching nostalgia or uneasy impatience, never quite here, never quite there. This frame of mind is where a majority of unhappiness stems from.

But true happiness, contentment, and real peace comes from experiencing the now in fullness, and then being okay with the moment passing as it does. That is the practice of letting go.

It’s nice to let my mind run rampant sometimes. I don’t spend enough time truly connecting with myself the way I should, through these logs. I know it’s great that I’m documenting my life as it happens so that when I look back, I’ll know what was happening at that time. But it doesn’t mean anything if I’m not recording my growth as well.

Anyways, back to my chronological order narrative style.

So, after I finish this log, I’m going to start getting ready for my… chill hangout thing, with Cooper. (Starting to dislike the word date, LOL. Should I even be doing this if I’m adult enough to use the word “date”?)

I’m sure it’s going to be fun! He seems like a nice guy, funny and smart. We’ll see how things go.

But, I have to definitively state to myself here what I’m looking for in regards to this as to maintain some clarity: I’m not looking to get into a serious relationship. I’m open to meeting different people, experiencing different things and having some fun, but I’m not trying to catch feelings or get invested, UNLESS… Unless they carry the values that are non-negotiable to me, unless they’re introspective and somewhat spiritual, and UNTIL I get to know them further. Those are my stipulations when it comes to this, for myself.

That being said, I must remember to not take things so seriously and just allow myself to have fun without expectations for more or what it could lead to. Just, be in the moment and appreciate things as they happen.

Anyways, I should probably start getting ready now since I know I take forever with my indecisive Libra ass. But one more thing before I go that made me happy; Dylan messaged me late one night during his trip to tell me that he owes me so much for inspiring him to go to Hawaii, and that his first day was one that definitely changed his life for ever and he was excited for the rest of his trip.

I was so glad! Hawaii did the exact same thing for me, it was the start of my spiritual revolution and the spark that ignited my faith in the universe and in myself. He also said he was confident that I would be one of the only people he knows that ends up travelling the whole world.

I really hope I do man. All the time I have to fight the urge to drop everything, find the cheapest plane ticket and get the hell out of here, but I have other priorities right now. I have to fight the wanderlust until it works harmoniously with the state of my life.

Either way, it was nice to hear that from him (yay for friendship!) and I’m actually genuinely hoping he follows through on his promise to hang out when he gets back (he said he had some life-changing conversations that he wanted to tell me about in person) because I definitely want to hear about all the ways this trip changed him and made him grow as a person! We shall see what’s meant to occur though.

I’ll write tomorrow when I get a chance! Wish me luck on my… date! (I can be an adult, I can do this).

Love always,

Me.

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