Okay so since I’ve began writing to myself at the start of last year, I think this is absolutely the longest that I have gone without writing. Like, I kept thinking to myself “oh it’s fine, it’s only been a couple days and I’ll write when I can.” But HOLY SHIT IT’S BEEN LEGIT A WEEK!!!!!
It’s okay though. Like it’s fair because I got super busy with work in the weekend after that date, and then I went straight into midterms after that and it was back to back non-stop studying, class, work and exams. But… I’M FINALLY DONE! This week is finally done with, and I’m happy to say I successfully made it through my exams (and actually studied really hard this time around – go me!).
But man, in the span of this week, so much has happened! Like, so much. Where to even begin!?!?!
For sure I’m going to forget the minor stuff, so I’ll just focus on the “big” things that happened (I put quotation marks around big because everything is relative, you know? But I suppose these things are big to me).
Let’s see… okay so, I never ended up talking about how my date went.
It was good! The Distillery District was really pretty and the guy was a perfect gentleman. He did look a little different than how his pictures portrayed him, but he was still pretty good looking! We sat for a long time and the conversation flowed with ease, and it even turned out that we had a lot of music tastes in common.
There wasn’t any spark. No attraction, or anything. It felt like sitting with a good friend and just, catching up.
I haven’t texted since, and I kind of feel bad. I ghosted, I know I did, and it first it wasn’t intentional because of how busy I was with my midterms and work shifts. But now? The silence is just deliberate.
I could have easily just been like, “hey, it was super nice to meet you but I’m sorry, I’m just not that into you.” …that sounds so mean though, ah! And then like, a part of me thinks that if I’m not ready to have those kinds of conversations with people, then maybe I shouldn’t have started dating in the first place, you know?
I saw Nisrine today and she had a whole other theory on it all that I can’t wait to address (in a bit).
Moving on – so like I said, the weekend was super busy with work but it was good! And I had work shifts weaving through my exams and classes so I’m a little fuzzy as to the timeline of what’s been happening at work but I’m just going to address it all as well as I can remember and screw the need for chronological neatness for a moment.
Big thing – Ali and I ended up in a deep conversation about spirituality and I finally got to tell him the things I wanted to say to him when I realized I wanted to let go of the resentment I was harbouring towards him weeks ago. I told him about how the way he saw me impacted me (the light surrounding me, the angels and light aura) and I told him that that’s the person I want to remain being and continue to be. We talked about the old tensions and how our department tends to let the pressure and greed get the best of us sometimes, but when it comes down to it we’re all just humans with families to feed, and people with good hearts and good intentions.
It was really nice. I know that Ali is a lost soul. But I think a part of him is really trying to find his way. I told him it’s not easy, but that he’s got to keep trying to strive upwards into the awareness and consciousness. If spirituality was what he was seeking, then he had to continue feeding it as much as he could. I hope he does.
Now, another thing that has to do with work that will lead me to my next big thing. So, throughout the week, I kept noticing that Luna would find little moments to strike up conversation with me – like when other people were talking with me she’d kind of join in the conversation (harmlessly – like when I was telling another one of our coworkers about the magical effects of ginger, Luna chimed in to talk about the lemon and ginger shot that I told her about that always work for her now).
And then sometime this week while I was passing by her, she randomly asked me if I noticed that Lianna had dyed her hair. (I had, from afar). So I told I had, and that it looked nice. Which led to her asking about whether or not I’d seen Dylan’s Instagram posts in Hawaii, so I told her that I had and that Dylan had actually been texting me from Hawaii to ask my opinion on stuff or to tell me how well it was all going.
Which led to us talking about our own trip to Hawaii briefly – we talked about a couple old memories, and then we got interrupted and that was it.
Then yesterday, Sera came in after a long while of not working (so nice to see her). She and Luna disappeared for quite some time and when she came back, she and I got to catch up a bit. And she told me something really interesting – that her and Luna had had “the talk”. The talk that was long overdue, the one that was meant to be had during Christmas. And, I was brought up. Intrigued, I was ready to ask what was said but Luna was still around and Sera didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, so we had to wait until she left.
At this same time, the universe was answering a lot of little intentions – I had been wondering for a while how Nick had been doing since we hadn’t spoken once throughout the entire month of February, and that day (yesterday, March 1st), he happened to message me about this pretty macaron café I went to and posted about, which led into a brief conversation. He’s doing well, nothing has seemed to have changed in the past month. I’m glad we spoke though! And I’m glad that all I feel for him at this point is just a simple friendly fondness.
Anyways, after her shift Luna left, and after Sera’s break she stood with me in the department for a while and we had a very, very long talk.
To summarize: everything finally came out. Sera told Luna everything from our side of the story, and Luna said everything from hers. They established that it was Kaleb who was the first one to start complaining about families, but Sera made it clear to Luna that she sided herself with the wrong people and that her opinions still had some very serious repercussions to them, even if she was entitled to believe what she wanted to.
Sera also made it clear to Luna how close I was to losing my job, and it finally hit Luna – she was shook. Sera told me that it looked like she was about to cry.
And then Luna asked Sera why I hadn’t just come to her and shook her and told her straight up the kind of consequences her actions were bringing about. And Sera jumped to my defence – one, that it’s not in my character to shake someone into awareness and be mega-blunt and two, if I were someone like that then Luna and I would have clashed in our friendship because we would have been too similar. Our differences complimented each other well and that’s why we were once so close.
Sera explained to me that Luna misses me, a lot. Above and beyond how much she misses anyone else. She misses the idea of travelling with me and how close we once were.
And Sera told her that she knows that people fuck up. But, that if Luna really cares about me, she will approach me, tail between legs and pride pushed aside, to have an honest and straightforward conversation with me about everything that went down during Christmas.
It was a lot to take in. I looked Sera directly in the eyes and asked her what her personal opinion was on the whole thing, because I deeply respect Sera and value her opinion very much.
Sera explained to me that she hates to see people suffer, and that’s exactly what Luna’s been doing for the past two months. That those loud bursts of laughter I can still hear across the department is just a front that’s hiding a very deep insecurity and loneliness, and honestly I already knew that too.
Sera also believes that this time around, Luna is being genuine. She is being sincere.
She also believes that I was put into Luna’s life for a reason – not just so that she could instill that love of travel in me, but also so that I could teach her myself, on how to be a better person.
I believe that when the universe has something to tell me, it will send me the message repetitively and noticeably in twos. Before this conversation with Luna, Daniella approached me not so long ago to tell me something very similar – that it broke her heart that Luna and I weren’t friends anymore and that Luna genuinely misses me.
I ended up telling Sera that I do believe in second chances, and that if Luna ever did approach me to have that conversation with me, I wouldn’t turn her away. (Sera also mentioned that Mary’s scared to talk to me because she’s scared I’m going to reject her attempted apology).
I’m not sure what’s going to happen. Do I miss Luna? Sure, I do. I know I do. She was funny and lively and such an amazing travel buddy. We had so, so much fun during our travels together and our strengths complimented each other so well. I even miss her sister, LOL. I got used to our silence, but it’s been weird not being able to talk to her about certain things. And I do feel like somewhere deep down, there’s a good heart in there with good intentions, despite how easily she can sometimes be swayed by what she perceives to be is right.
I don’t think we can go back to what we had, but maybe, just maybe, we can move forward into something new. I’m going to rely on my gut for this one though – if Luna can genuinely set aside her pride for a moment to really and sincerely reach out, then I’ll know that it’s real. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learnt about Luna in the years that she and I have been friends, it’s that that woman will not set aside her pride for just anyone, nor does she ever let it go that easily.
So, we’ll see. Today she and I talked a little bit more, once again with someone else involved in the conversation but I know she wanted to talk to me directly to get my opinion on her upcoming travel plans to the Philippines and Japan. I in turn told her about my possible upcoming travel plans (WHICH IS THE NEXT BIG THING I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT) except I directed it to the third party in our conversation rather than directly to her. It’s so funny – we were talking to each other, but indirectly. The third person basically served as a buffer.
What’s meant to be will be. If we’re going to be friends again, then I promise to be more straight up with her if I feel like she’s in the wrong or if her actions go against my own personal values. I also have to address her tendency to ostracize people – it’s not nice, but I don’t think I’ll have to say much on it because now, she’s the one who’s been ostracized. And, not just by me but by my entire team (people who also used to call her a friend as well). Sera is also going to have a word with them as well about it though, and she also believes that Luna might apologize to us as a whole. Man, if that happens… well, we’ll see.
That’s that, onto the next topic: so… a while back, I told myself that if York went on strike, I’d be taking the cheapest flight I could out of here. And now, it looks like there’s a 99% chance of it happening. So… it looks like I might just be heading to Belize, very, very soon. Like, within the next 9 days LMAO.
I mean… I don’t want to get my hopes up. Who even knows how long the strike could go on for, you know? Everything’s being deliberated this weekend – they’ve agreed to strike, but they’ve also agreed to try to negotiate this weekend in order to keep the strike short. But, last time they went on strike, it went on for about a month. And that’s what I’m basing my possible plans on.
Whatever is meant to be will be. I have utter and complete faith in that. If I’m meant to go, I will. If I’m not, then life will carry on as per usual.
But man, this time last year as soon as Luna and I got back from Hawaii, we started looking at Belize. It was such a coincidence too, and we ended up going to Las Vegas shortly after instead but still. It’s been in my mind ever since.
And get this. I would be going by myself. It would be my first ever solo travel trip. That’s a big part of the reason I want this to happen so much. I really think I’m ready.
I’m so ready to book. I found amazing prices for both the flight and the accommodations and I’ve been prepping myself by doing some research already. It’s a truly beautiful place with tons of adventure to be had. I would be able to swim with sharks and knock that off of my bucket list!!!! I’ve been saying “please, Universe, please” on a daily basis this entire week, LOL. But once again, we shall see!
I still have to talk about my appointment with Nadia (and all the things that were addressed during this appointment – my studying prowess, the tips I used that she gave me, my current familial situation, dating situation, etc.), how Daniella has officially moved in, how my conversation with Jake is going, and how Dylan and I have actual plans for this week to hang out and catch up, finally.
But man. It’s late and I am hella exhausted.
I must say, despite its hardships, it’s been a good week. March started off amazingly well so far and I am so excited to see what else it has in store for me.
I finish early tomorrow and I’m off Sunday so for once, I’m actually looking forward to the weekend and the brief mental respite that it’s going to bring about, thank goodness.
Until tomorrow then! Thank you universe, thank you for everything.