Day 66 – March 7th, 2018

Hello! Okay quick log before I have to skedaddle off to shower, but I just want to make note of something before I forget because this was a huge breakthrough and I’m really proud of myself.

I just got home from work and my mom was already home, and somehow the conversation turned into her asking me if I was going to graduate this year and I explained, yet again, that it wasn’t going to be this year.

Which of course, turned into the same old argument of “I worked so hard to put aside money for you and I’ve spent my life in misery with your father and I just want you and your sister to graduate and get good jobs so that I can at least have a little happiness in my life” etc. etc.

As it went back and forth between her yelling and me calmly trying to explain why (yet again) I would not be graduating this year, for the first time ever I was actually watching myself. I was mindful of my experience. I could feel the tension mounting in my shoulders, the anger brewing in my gut. I wanted to snap back so badly, I wanted to yell and rage that I was tired of the exact same argument happening over and over again and that I’m perfectly happy with where I am in my life, for once. I was tired of feeling like a failure according to her standards, which weren’t even her own and put into her head by the society she’d grown accustomed to.

Instead, I breathed. I breathed deeply, kept my tone low and soothing, and massaged out of the tension from my shoulders and neck by slowly rotating my head clockwise and counter-clockwise.

As I did this, she continued on, but because I wasn’t feeding her reaction with my own reaction, soon the true nature of her anger began to shine through: Fear. Pain. Regret. Sadness. All stemming, not from my sister and I, but from her experiences with my dad.

Thank god I read Radical Acceptance. Because I was able to not react (despite my severe temptation to snap and storm off) my mom was able to sit down and have a conversation with me about her pain, and I was able to be empathetic with her in return.

There’s been so much pain, on all ends. But rather than letting the wounds fester, I want to heal my own so that I can help heal my mom and my sister. I don’t want to be a catalyst for more pain. I don’t want to harbour resentment or anger against my mom just because she doesn’t know how to cope with her own pain sometimes and uses us as an outlet – I know she doesn’t mean it and I know it’s not intentional.

When my mom actually sat down and started taking in everything I was saying and started really letting me in herself, I could feel my anger dissipate into empathy. I watched as the tension in my shoulders disappeared, as the knot in my stomach loosened. It was amazing. My heart opened up and I was able to talk to her normally. It felt like I had successfully diffused a bomb.

I promised her I would do my best to be more patient with her, and in return I hoped that she would have more faith in myself and Olivia, and trust in the fact that one day we’re going to find our paths and end up exactly where we’re meant to, on our own terms. That one day, her vision of our end-goals and our actual end-goals will coincide, and we’ll all be happy together.

So, that’s what real mindfulness feels like. That’s what it truly means to watch yourself, to think before you react. It was amazing. I’m proud of me. It was incredible to watch how my anger, fear, mistrust and resentment slowly turned into sympathy, understanding and acceptance. And all it took was pausing, patience, and a little bit of mindful breathing.

Anyways, that’s all I wanted to jot down for now. I have to go get ready for my hang out thing with Dylan tonight.

I’m not nervous. Why would I be nervous? That’s ridiculous, because we’re friends and only friends and he only sees me as a friend and that’s all that matters. And, I’m over it. I’m over him. I’ve over all that, and I’m happy we’re friends, and that’s all on the matter. So, no. I’m not nervous. Because this is just two friends casually hanging out and getting some hot pot and catching up.

Now this is everything I know logically ^ so I’m trying to tell that to my nervous system because it’s acting up for absolutely no reason whatsoever, which is gross.

Sigh.

Hopefully I’ll write later tonight.

Wish me lu- I mean, don’t. Because, it’s nothing I need luck for, after all, right?

Okay, byeeeeeeeeeeeee.

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