Day 67 – March 8th, 2018

Oh boy.

LOL, I’ve started this and backspaced so many times because I don’t really know how to start. But it looks like this was good enough so, hellooooo.

I would just like to say, that after this log, I am going to remove myself out of this state of being that I am currently in which I would like to call “in my feels”. After I address all of this, no mas. Life goes on.

Okay so, for old time’s sake… some details about last night.

Before he picked me up, I was so nervous! Despite everything I wrote in my prior log about not being nervous or not wanting to be since we’re just friends, my heart was racing like mad once he’d said he was on his way! Despite being mindful about how I felt, I couldn’t make my heart stop from racing so I decided to sit for a moment and meditate until I regulated my breathing and heart rate, and that worked.

Once he picked me up, we started talking right off the bat as per usual (with a little bit of a pause on my end at first though, I must admit – it had been a really long time we’d hung out last after all! So it took a bit to get into the groove of things again). He mentioned it was weird that we don’t see each other as often anymore since we don’t work together and I hadn’t really taken that into account in all honesty! But it was nice that he’d noticed.

Anyways, while we were on our way there, I was talking so quickly that I almost began stumbling over my words LOL but the moment I did, I immediately slowed down and altered my pace and tone (thank you, Wired for Dating). I caught him up over how my trip to Antigua was – how I saw the whole group of squid and lost my shit thinking they were jellyfish, about how cool the beaches were, how nice the local people were and the friends we made, about zip-lining and swimming with stingrays and how the whole trip made my mom and sister see how cool travelling in my style could be.

We also talked about the whole situation with Luna; I updated him on how everything was going, about the talk that his mom had with me, about my current feelings on the whole matter. I also told him how her sister had messaged me out of the blue yesterday morning coincidentally, which was nice. I do miss Lana too (which reminds me, I should probably reply soon). Either way, he told me that whatever is meant to be will be, and he knows that I’m going to figure it out exactly as I’m meant to, which I completely agreed with.

Once we got there, we had to go through this back entrance that seemed pretty sketch at first (I joked that I was lowkey planning on having him sacrificed and he had been thinking along those same lines) but it led to the place which was tiny, cozy and exactly the kind of place that he and I both love.

(Jesus, I keep pausing to reminisce/get lost in thought as I write this in between every paragraph and at this rate, I’m going to end up finishing this log tomorrow, LOL).

Anyways, once we sat down got settled, it took us a little while to even look at the menus because we got engrossed in conversation right off the bat about his trip to Hawaii. But we ended up ordering a hotpot with octopus and bulgogi (because I know he liked both) and honestly it was delicious – slightly spicy but super flavourful, and he loved it, which made me really happy.

We talked about so much, I can’t even begin to address the amount of topics we covered in detail so I’ll just skim over what stood out briefly: he told me his stories from Hawaii, his experiences with the people he’d originally met in Las Vegas with Kekoa collective (Hawaiian based MMA company that specializes in giving back to the community, mindfulness, yoga and living as simply as possible), how the trip changed his life and made him want more than this life we were taught to live.

We talked about our current family situations – how his mom and dad are currently at odds over Derek, and how he’s going to stick by his mom no matter what. He’s also worried that his brothers are going to resent him because he feels like he’s had a hand in raising them and being pushier towards them than a normal brother would have been so he’s felt like stepping back. And I told him that there’s no way they could end up resenting him for good (even if they did now because they’re younger) because ultimately Dylan’s intentions were coming from a place of love and care, and as they grew older, the more they would realize that, and that resentment would turn into respect.

He thanked me for that, and told me that that was something he’d needed to hear.

We talked about the current dilemma I’m in with Daniella having moved in (her boyfriend randomly materialized out of nowhere after having disappeared for three months, and has proceeded to basically move into our basement with her… when we’d initially only agreed to have her move in). We kind of laughed about it though, because the whole situation is so absolutely crazy and it’s pretty funny that I of course happened to find myself in it.

We talked about life and wanting more from it and our future travel plans and caught up over big and little things, like how he’d recently fell out with a friend he’d been friends with since the sixth grade, or how he was liking his new job as a server, about how work was going for me, and school as well and everything to do with the strike.

Funny coincidence – we’d both done Adderall around the same time to study, and the exact same thing ended up happening to each of us where we were super focused on studying, and then neither of us could fall asleep until 6 in the morning!

Which led us to talking about our shrooms experiences and he ended up confiding in me about his latest experience and what it entailed, stuff that he hadn’t talked about or mentioned to anyone else other than me (regarding his realizations afterwards). And I so badly wanted to delve in more, ask him further about what he realized, but my gut held me back, I’m not sure why. I guess it’s because this is technically the third or fourth time that we’ve actually hung out and spent time together, and those realizations he had stem from a very deep place that I think will take him time to be comfortable enough to share with me, and that’s okay. I’m just glad that he could talk about it as openly (for him) and earnestly as he could, with me.

We talked about my upcoming travel plans and how this all ties into my ongoing journey to enjoy my own company and become more self-sufficient, and he said he was glad and happy for me that I was realizing how amazing it is to enjoy your own company and to genuinely enjoy solitude. He told me he’s always been that way, a “lone wolf” and highly independent (makes so much sense, he’s honestly such an Aquarius [which I refrained some saying because I know his stance on astrology LOL]).

He’d mentioned that he had tried Korean BBQ in Hawaii but then after asking more about it, I realized it wasn’t the kind of KBBQ where you get to cook your own food and have it keep coming, like the locations that we have around here, and he immediately felt ripped off from the experience LOL. He said that that’s where we’d go next then, and that I should ask Leila for more locations we could check out for that. I’m glad he’s so open to trying new things in the exact same way that I am.

After we were super full, he asked for the bill but I protested and said that it was on me since this was my idea. He seemed rather taken aback at first, but then he conceded and admitted that he never lets anyone pay for him, but he’d make an exception for me this time.

Once we got back to his car, he gave me a gift that he’d brought back from Hawaii – it was a shirt from Kekoa collective. Backtracking a bit, he showed me their story, a description that the owner had written about the nature of Kekoa collective, and he said that when he had first read it, that it had immediately reminded him of me.

“Ke koa” in Hawaiian means brave, bold, fearless, valiant, courageous, soldier, warrior, fighter, hero. Their initiative entailed living life as simplistically but as passionately as possible, and their main rules are: word hard, play hard and do-good. They believe in balance and mindfulness, living life as self-aware and self-fulfilled as possible by giving back to the community and casting aside that “anything for a buck” mentality.

Anyways, the shirt he got me had “own less, love more” on it with a simplistic compass in the middle, with an intricate sun and moon drawn into it, similar to the tattoos on my back.

I thanked him sincerely and gave him a huge hug.

And then we proceeded to get distracted by a passing racoon, which led to him telling me a funny story about how one broke into his house once and how they’ve sketched him out ever since (which had me dying because I think they’re adorable).

And then he asked about my old punk-rock emo phase because he’d recently gotten into Green Day, which also had me dying. I started telling him about all the songs and bands I used to listen to back in the day, so the whole way home we listened to my favourite songs by Blink-182, Sum 41, Billy Talent. He blasted Fallen Leaves at one point down the high way and honestly it was so much fun singing along and somewhat head banging along to it, LOL. I told him to check out The National because I was curious to see if he’d like their sound, and we talked about which of The Black Keys’ songs were our favourite.

Once we got back to my house, he parked off to the side because we were still talking – he showed me the recent addition to his BJJ buddy’s horror movie tattoo sleeve because we were talking about how he wanted to get his upcoming tattoos done soon, especially the tulip idea that I’d sent him.

After that, he thanked me sincerely for dinner and said he’d thoroughly enjoyed it, and I thanked him for picking up and dropping off my sorry non-driving ass, LOL. For once, I was actually perfectly calm and collected while hugging him goodbye and getting out of his car, (thank goodness).

Once I got into my house, he immediately messaged me because he remembered the name of one of the Billy Talent songs neither of us could remember, and then I told him to try listening to some Evanescence songs (which he surprisingly liked), and he gave the National a listen and liked their sound too. He wished me an amazing trip and thanked me again for dinner, and I thanked him for the shirt (which fit perfectly). And that was that.

Sigh. Like, massive, heaving, proverbial sigh.

All in all, last night was so, so much fun. I’m so incredibly glad we’re friends because he genuinely makes me laugh, we can talk about literally everything and anything and even our silences feel comfortable, and being around him and hanging out with him always feels easy and adventurous.

Which in turn, leaves my heart in a state that I like to call (and have coined), called “bruise-y”.

Bruise-y: the achy feeling you get in your heart when you’re experiencing feelings of nostalgia, melancholy, or pangs of longing based on things you cannot have or wish could be.

I spent so much time away from him or any thought of him for the past couple months that I thought this would have been easy, you know? I think the time and space apart definitely did me some good and helped me to come to terms with my unresolved feelings. But the truth of the matter is, those feelings are unresolved still.

Yes, I know he only sees me as a friend, and yes, I am perfectly okay with that and happy that we still have this friendship.

But man.

Despite everything I know about him now – his quick temper, the problems he’s had with his mom over Chuck and how he’s been unable to put her happiness first in that situation, and how quick he can be to lash out when he’s in that state. Despite all of those things… the good continues to outweigh it all, feeding into the feelings that I know I should no longer have.

But is it me? Am I being selective in what I see because he falls into my old attraction patterns of being someone who appears to need fixing?

The difference in this case (I hope I’m being objective) is that he seems really independent; that he doesn’t need anyone to “fix” him and he’s very intent on growing into himself, on his own.

I don’t know. I know what Nadia would tell me, based on my old patterns of attachment-style and the type of guys I tend to find myself drawn to or attracted to based on the summation of my past experiences, including the latent unconscious effects of my parents relationship on my psyche. I’m well-aware of all of those things now, including the effects of the neuro-chemicals that are released when you are initially attracted to someone, and how blinding those chemicals can be from having you see things (or a person) objectively.

Regardless of all of this though, the truth and the fact of the matter remains that he doesn’t feel the same way as I do, and only sees me as a friend. Hence, the “bruise-y” feeling.

Oh well. The feelings have to go, if I’m going to be able to maintain this friendship without the bruise-y feeling making a reappearance every time we hang out. And what’ll happen when he starts dating someone, you know? I have to be prepared for that.

If it wasn’t in the cards for us, then it wasn’t, and I have to come to terms with this fact. But ah, you never really know the ache of “what if” or “what could have been” until you start seeing it in your interactions. Because hanging out like that and getting along as well as we do, those little underlying thoughts of “what could be” or “what if” shone through and they hurt like hell LOL.

Okay, I have to go get ready for work now so that I can leave on time, but this was a good log. Bruise-y, but that’s okay. In a couple days’ time I’ll be leaving the country on my own for the first time in my life, and I won’t have time to entertain the bruise-y thoughts.

As a whole though, I must say – I’m glad I was able to get comfortable and be myself and actually just have a conversation with him with no holds barred. I was super transparent about myself, and it seemed he was trying to be as well, and I’m glad. I no longer see him as some “character” in my “narrative” – he’s a real human being with a very real past and a present that I’m currently a part of, for the moment.

Anyways, that’s all for today! Still have to catch up on certain things but I think that tonight might finally be the night that I actually continue a log that I say I will come back to, LOL. We’ll see.

If not though, just in case…

Love, love, love,

Me.

Okay, I’m back, but I’m way too lazy to address the other stuff LOL.

Um, nutshell stuff though maybe – still talking to Jake, after 5 consecutive weeks of messaging each other which is cool. Nadia made me see that I have to be really careful about how I invest my feelings in the people I meet online because a) regardless of how long we’ve been talking, literally everything he’s saying could be a lie and b) I legit don’t know what he looks like in person, so… yeah. We’ll see how things go. I hope we do meet eventually because I think it’ll be interesting (and that he’ll serve as a “proper” distraction).

My appointment with Nadia was awesome. Honestly, after seeing her for as long as I have, I’m starting to feel like we’re friends – at the end of our session, she was like, “this is super unprofessional but… what makeup do you use? And I LOVE your tattoo, can I take a picture?” LMAO, she’s so cool.

Today at work, Sera was in and we got to go on break with the other girls (Lianna, Marilyn and Daniella). Lianna and Daniella sort of got into a bit of an argument, so at one point, Sera and I just looked at each other and started talking LOL (we’re both no good with that kind of stuff). She asked me if I’d hung out with Dylan the night before, and I honestly couldn’t help but light up when she asked. I told her how good the hot pot was, and she asked if I loved the shirt he got me and I told her I did. She joked that when she’d seen it, she wanted it for herself, and that Dylan had even called her from Hawaii to ask what she thought my size would be (cute).

Ugh. I wish I could talk to her about all of this, but I really don’t want to put her in any awkward position. Sigh.

I promised myself that today would be my full day of bruise-y, so. I guess I’m making the most of it.

But I mean, I still have my faith in the universe and the universe’s plan. There must be a reason I still feel like this, no? Is there? Or is this just the neuro-chemicals in my brain, even after a year? Even after a couple months of separation and learning everything I did about him?

Eh. Time will reveal all, I’m sure.

But for now… in a couple days, I’ll be getting the space I need from the situation, literally.

Fuck, it’s still so surreal that I’m leaving to another country in like… FOUR DAYS WHAT THE FUCK. I’m nowhere near ready, LMAO. I haven’t even begun to pack, I still have to make a list of everything I’ll need so I don’t forget, and I still need to exchange money!!

This is real. This is happening. I need to really take this in and prepare accordingly. Sure, it’s fun to tell everyone that I’m travelling by myself for the first time ever. But I need to start actually understanding the magnitude of this – I’m leaving the country, to ANOTHER country, all on my own. A totally foreign country that I only know the basics about, and will have to learn about from scratch when I get there. I need to do some real research and figure out what I want the trip to look like for me, where I want to go, what I want to explore, and how I’ll get to those places.

But I also know I don’t need to worry, because I landed in Antigua with no plans whatsoever, went with the flow and took it day by day, and everything turned out better than perfect. So I believe in myself in that sense.

I’m so proud of myself. I am brave! I am fearless. I love, love that about me. I love how eagerly and actively I’ve been trying to leave every single one of my comfort zones in the past year so far. Life has been vibrant and colorful by my own hand, by my own means.

It’s going to be amazing. It’s going to be life-changing. Adventure awaits.

You know, if this is what being “crazy” entails, then I definitely wouldn’t want to be any other way.

Okay, off to bed with me! The next couple days are going to be hella busy – I’ve got to get my health card renewed, I’ve got back to back shifts for the next 3 days, I have a driver’s lesson amidst all of that, I’ve got to exchange money, start packing, start planning, and get everything together. I promise that when I can find a moment to write, I will!

Until then,

Love always,

Me.

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