Day 88, 89, 90 – March 29, 30, 31, 2018

As March draws to a close, I’d like to start off by saying… man, what an incredible month it’s turned out to be. Like it’s flown by quicker than a blink, but so much has happened!

April begins tomorrow, with the promise of warmer weather and spring breezes as everything begins to grow again. With the newness in the air, I wonder what this upcoming month will have in store for me.

I finished work early today but instead of starting to write right off the bat, I took some time to skim through all of my logs from this year from the beginning up until now. It’s interesting – the “resolutions” regarding my finances and school took a bit of a backburner what with the strike. It was a pause, one that I didn’t choose but wanted. In its wake, I travelled and grew more than I ever thought I could. And now, my wants in regards to both aspects have changed.

Financially, I feel like I don’t care to save. I don’t care about money in general. I have no attachment to it. I like that I work as hard as I do to make it, and maybe I can exercise a bit more caution in my spending habits. But I don’t spend on anything materialistic – literally, all my money goes towards experiences, and other obligations such as my bills. I don’t care to save because I don’t feel like I’m going to end up here, living in Canada. I feel like I’m going to end up starting over elsewhere, but that’s just how I feel right now. But who knows? We’ll see what time will tell.

School wise – wait, crap, I’m getting ahead of myself. I never even finished my logs from Belize, and my realizations that I collected from that trip. The realizations that have me thinking the way that I am now in regards to all of these aspects.

I guess it’s just that I’ve missed being introspective – I literally haven’t written for me or to me in so long. I’ve merely been recording my experiences as they’ve passed, and nothing more.

So today, I’m making a conscious choice – I’ll catch up on the things I’ve missed, yes. But, regardless of how tired I may get, I’m also not going to leave this chair until I also catch up with me, my current mental, emotional and spiritual state.

Alright. Time to backtrack.

I left off the third last day of my trip, the Sunday, the day after all the craziness and shenanigans. That morning, our whole group met up again at Sandbar to catch up and hang out (and make fun of the fact that I was still “walking”, LOL).

We didn’t quite know what to do, especially since the guys had to leave back to base sometime in the afternoon. So, we just chose to spend the rest of the day at Palapa, swimming and drinking and chilling.

It was actually so nice. I can just close my eyes and still feel the heat of the sun on my shoulders, the cool refreshing breeze blowing off the sea as we laid out on the dock, how it felt to randomly stand up and decide to cannonball into the water whenever we felt like it.

And it was also nice to see everyone in sunlight and sober LOL like everyone still had the same great senses of humour and super chill laid back personalities that meshed well with everyone else. It truly felt like we were all meant to meet.

There were some points I really loved, like when Matt came and sat close to me to bask in the sun and I sat right next to him with my legs hanging out over the water as we sat on the dock and talked. He even let me lie against his side as I attempted to nap (since we didn’t get much sleep the night before, ahem).

It was funny though – sober Matt was much more quiet and introspective than drunken Matt, and much more shy too; so because of the details I provided the girls from the night before, the more brash and brave ones (such as Jessica and Valaria) were teasing him relentlessly (he did mention at one point that he blamed me for the harassment he was receiving and I innocently claimed I had no idea what he was talking about).

Eventually, after a great morning and afternoon of chilling, it was time for the boys to bid us adieu. We all hugged goodbye and promised to keep in touch, and swore that we would all meet each other again one day, somewhere in the world. We were all too much fun not to.

I still spent the rest of the afternoon on the dock with the girls, and Valaria and Jay joined us with endless bottles of white wine and glasses for us all. Which led to the most deep and introspective conversations that I’ve ever had in my life, as well as some amazing revelations.

Okay, some background information about Valaria and Jay – Valaria is a girl (originally from Canada) who spontaneously decided to leave everything behind in her life to move to Belize about five years ago. And Jay is a travelling bartender from Brooklyn that Valaria hired for one of her properties. Both of these people I met briefly the night before, and man their vibes were hella cool.

Somehow, all of us ended up in a super deep conversation about life, and life stories were shared. But it was Valaria’s story that really gave me the chills.

Before Valaria moved to Belize, the man she had been dating before she met her ex-fiancé had ended up in a very serious accident. She remembered the worried calls from his parents, the fact that they couldn’t get a hold of him. She’d then seen on the news that the road he’d been driving down was totally blocked off, and urged his parents to head down in that direction. Soon thereafter, she received a call from a hospital notifying her that he’d been transferred there. As she was getting ready to head towards the hospital, she shortly received another call – her boyfriend… didn’t make it.

This was the part that gave me chills: she remembers sitting there in their apartment in the silence, all of their stuff scattered around as it had been that morning. She could still smell his scent lingering in the air. And her next thought was to plan the funeral.

But that’s not all.

Fast forward a couple years, and she meets a new guy. They get engaged, he’s really well off and super rich and they have multiple cars and all that.

This comfort is what she left behind when she made the choice to leave everything behind and move to Belize. And initially, she’d only gone to Belize on vacation. It was on that vacation when she called her old job, quit, headed back to Canada in order to put her stuff in storage and sell her car, and that’s when her life began.

And she was terrified.

She literally destroyed all of her comfort zones. There was nothing to return to, in essence. But she got into real estate in Belize, and began her life.

A couple years down the line, she met someone new (who is her current husband now), got engaged, and got pregnant with twin babies (a boy and a girl). And a couple months into her pregnancy, she found out that her first love (first kiss, first time, first everything) had passed away.

It tore her up, and she had to go into therapy for it in order to recuperate.

So. This was a woman who had suffered great loss, who left behind everything she knew, who threw all caution to the wind in order to find herself and fulfill her dreams.

And what she learnt as a result?

That every single day that we are given is truly a gift and not a guarantee. That we are not promised tomorrow, and we should not live our days expecting that we’ll wake up tomorrow because when it comes to life, you quite literally never know what the universe holds for you. That said, each and every single day should be lived as though as it’s your last. And that’s done by living fully, loving deeply, saying what you mean and meaning what you say, never hurting anyone, getting into deep ass conversations that feed your mind and soul, constantly striving to elevate your energy, relentlessly pursuing your innermost dreams and becoming truly content and at peace with your life and your choices as a result.

And that’s when it hit me, right there and then on that sun-drenched dock, while I was wine-drunk and sun-drunk and high on life – I want this. That moment, right there, is what I want for life. For my life. I want to travel the world. I want to adventure, I don’t want to stay in one place for longer than I’m meant to be there, I want to meet incredible people and hear their stories and learn from them and truly connect with them on levels that are only felt by the soul, I want the sun and the sea and the sand, I want to discover every corner and hidden gem this Earth has to offer me because I wasn’t meant to stay in one place.

Yes, I was given a gift – lord knows how deeply my soul wants to better this human condition by aiding those in need, by offering my services through guidance or advice or simply a soothing presence. But why must I do that on the terms that society set out for me? Why must I complete my degree, only to possibly need to do further schooling, in order to get a 9-5 job in an office where I’m stuck in a relentless cycle of looking forward to the weekend, paying bills, and eventually settling down to start a family, and consequently worrying about a mortgage and taxes and everything else that goes along with that life?

I don’t want any of it.

Maybe one day, I will want to start a family. Maybe one day, I will want to settle down. But who says it has to be here?

That being said, I am utterly thankful and grateful for the absolute privilege that was bestowed upon me to be born and raised in this country. Having a Canadian nationality and passport is a gift that I do not take lightly. I am so proud of where I come from, and everything I’ve learnt here. I am thankful for everything my parents sacrificed and worked for in their lives in order for my sister and I to receive the opportunities we were given.

But there’s way too much world out there for me to abide by this system. I just don’t think it was cut out for me.

On this trip, I met people who’d quit their jobs to travel the world, find work where ever they ended up, and live life that way. I met people who’d had kids, grandkids even, and decided that there was still too much world out there to stop adventuring. I don’t want this lifestyle to be an “escape” or simply a vacation. I want it to be my life.

I don’t know what the future has in store for me. But this is what I know feeds my soul and makes me happy in the now.

I don’t want to spend these moments planning for a future that I cannot envision in this current moment. God knows, maybe I’ll regret not saving, maybe I’ll look back at this chapter of my life and wish I did things differently. But then my inner voice says, “how? How can you regret any of this when this is exactly what you wanted for yourself in this moment, right here, right now? When you fed your soul as deeply as you have?”

And I know she’s right.

Everyone has their path. I can no longer compare myself to anyone else any longer. I fight with my old self every day now – fear tries, time and time again, to overtake me once more, tries to drag me back into my old ways of thinking and being according to what I was taught. But once you see your truth, once you experience it in the way that I did… there’s no going back.

I got up off of that dock and jumped right into the water as the sun set over the island. And then I let the waves slowly push me to and fro, as I looked out into the endless blue of the sea where it met the sky.

All we can truly strive for in this life is peace. Not solely happiness, because that forsakes the sadness or pain in life that we’re meant to experience in order to learn and grow. But peace. Contentment. A life lived with no regrets.

Valaria told me that Belize was in such dire need of help that I didn’t even need to finish my degree – my experience in my Psych classes was just enough. She told me that there’s endless job opportunities, if I was just willing to learn or give it a shot. And man. It was hella tempting.

Especially when KT and I ended up in this super deep conversation about how we’d love to begin some kind of mental health initiative here for children; when she had come to Belize initially, she’d spent time in the city at a home for orphaned kids, or children who were taken from their parents due to neglect or abuse. And even though it was a short time she’d spent with them, by the time she had to leave they were all crying and super attached to her.

Imagine if these places received more consistent care through people who could stay longer, or volunteers who came by on a constant basis? These people need help, and KT and I were so inspired to move out here and start out this foundation where we could launch consistent support for the homes like the one she volunteered at. Even volunteer ourselves, and then live together in Belize.

I got to a point where I was convinced that this would be my last year in Canada, I must admit. But having gotten back and having talked to a couple people about it, I now know that I have some very serious thinking to do before I progress any further.

But before I address any of that, back to the rest of my trip since I’m so close to finishing now.

I watched the sun set as I swam in the water, and Jay joined me there as we swam circles around one another and talked about life. His vibe was so cool, and his story matched – he saved up for 12 years in order to buy a boat because it was his dream to sail around the oceans, country to country. And he did just that. What a life he lived.

He could tell I had been hit with some serious revelations from the look on my face, LOL. But he encouraged me to do what would make me happy, and I intend to do just that.

That night, the girls and I decided to have our last hurrah and make that last night together as epic as it could be. Cherie and Jessica brought over all of their alcohol to me and KT’s hostel, and we lounged around in Sandbar’s chill-area just drinking and talking to random people passing by.

I ended up trying some Belizean weed off of some super friendly locals LOL. And then after that, me, KT and Cherie ventured out down the beach and I took them down to the pier that Matt and I had gone to, to show them how pretty the view was from there.

We sat down for a while and just vibed and it was so nice, but after a while our newfound friends found us and we all headed back to Sandbar. I don’t quite remember the rest of the night in all honesty (I do remember hopping in the golf cart and zooming around town for some reason but don’t remember why LOL). But all in all, it was the perfect last night, even though we did kind of miss our boys.

The next day, we all went our separate ways after hugging each other and promising each other that we’d travel again altogether sometime soon – especially after how close we’d gotten and how well we vibed with one another after only having known each other for a couple days. We were definitely meant to meet.

I was initially going to head to Caye Caulker in order to spend the rest of my day there and get a feel of that particular island (the little half hour I’d spent there earlier in the week did not do it any justice at all), but I was so exhausted and I kind of wanted to spend my last evening in my little apartment in Belize City. So, I spent some time souvenir hunting in San Pedro and then headed back to the city to rest, pack up and relax since I was heading out the very next morning.

Once I got back, I settled in and decided to head back to Neri’s for one last meal. I grabbed some takeout food, headed back to my apartment room, and ate sitting out on the balcony as the sun set. It was perfect.

The next morning, I woke up early to pack everything up, and gave my hostel owners one last fragrance as a thank you for all of their kindness towards me. They in turn had gotten gifts for me too – a Belizean beach bag, a mug, and a Mayan calendar wall-ornament. It was so, so sweet of them and I was so touched.

I hopped in a cab with a couple who was also headed towards the airport (and incidentally on the same flight as me), and once again, the universe had even more in store for me.

First off, Dean happened to be catching a flight at the airport at the same time as me so he and I got coffee and sat for a while and talked, which was so nice (and coincidentally, Matt had ended up on the same flight as Cherie and Jessica the day before – it’s as though we can’t escape each other, LOL).

Secondly, that couple I’d met in the cab was an older couple who were originally from France and now travel the world together. They specialize in physiotherapy, but the wife also works with energy, which fascinated me to no end. She taught me about sacred geometry – it’s this series of ceremonies that allow you to regain your own power and open up your innate potential and energy in order to elevate your vibration.

What I loved the most was that I could literally feel their energy, and in turn they could sense mine too – they told me I have good energy, and hands down that’s my most favourite compliment received to date.

Eventually, we all went our separate ways but I did get their information. If I ever happen to find myself in Northern France, (which I’m sure I will) I will definitely be sending them an email.

Well, like all things in life, my trip came to a close. But, it definitely ended on a great note. Many great notes, actually.

THE END!

FINALLY. Holy hell. I can’t believe how long it took and how many logs it spanned across to finish writing about this trip! But it just goes to show, it’s the most amazing life-changing trip I’ve yet to experience… and there’s still so much more to experience out there!!!! It makes me so excited for life.

Anyways, back to my introspections now. Oh no wait – I’ve got to talk about what’s happened since then.

Let’s see… work’s been good! At first it was a little tough to get back into the groove of things but I got my mojo back and hours to boot, so everything’s great in that sense.

I ended up having a shift with Sera right when she got back from Barbados and it was so good to see her! I told her about my whole trip and she told me about hers (she doesn’t recommend Barbados to me personally but she herself enjoyed it, so that’s good).

I told her about how I wanted to drop everything and move halfway across the world without finishing my degree since I realized I technically didn’t really need it in order to help people the way I truly want to, and she made me pause for a moment.

She advocated for me finishing up – not for anyone else, but for me. As a plan B, as something to come back to, in case all else failed. In case I did run into organizations out there that did require post-secondary education of some kind. Especially since it was going back to school and finishing her degree on her own terms that ended up leading her to her strength and independence when her life came crashing down because of her ex-husband.

She gave me a lot to think about. But again, I’ve gotten ahead of myself; a big reason that she was having this talk with me was because of one particular fact I’ve neglected to mention… a couple days prior to that, Cherie ended up messaging our girls’ group chat to let us know that she was heading back to Belize for a weekend in April, and asked if any of us were down.

I really didn’t want to force things or go back so soon or even travel again so soon but… with the strike still going on with no imminent end, I simply couldn’t resist; I booked the weekend off from work, found a cheap ass plane ticket, and that was that.

So… I’m headed back to Belize in about two weeks’ time LOL. Granted, I only took a weekend off from work but here’s the thing – that ticket? Yeah… it’s a one way ticket.

LMFAO.

I know, I’m crazy. (But I wouldn’t have it any other way).

Yes, a big part of me does not want to come back. Wants to travel the world, hitch hike or hostel-hop my way throughout Central America and see where the wind takes me.

I don’t know what’s meant to be. Will I come back? Will I stay? What’s going to happen? Will I find a ticket home? Am I meant to?

I’m leaving it to my intuition. It felt right booking that ticket, even though it’s only headed in that one direction.

Anyways, that’s why Sera was kind of encouraging me to go, but come back and finish my degree for myself, on my own terms and at my own pace.

I mean… I guess I want to. About 75% of the reason I’d actually go through with it, is for my parents. The other 25% is for myself. But I’m out of RESP, and I don’t want any ties to this place in the form of student debts that I would owe to the government. I’ve already applied for OSAP as per my mom’s request though, but with this strike throwing everything up in the air, I’m not sure what’s going to happen with that. I’m not even sure I’m going to be approved.

I guess we’ll see what’s meant to be. I don’t even know for sure if I’m going to Belize – anything could happen, the universe could shift in any kind of way and suddenly it’d become apparent that I wasn’t meant to go back, you know? That kind of sort of happened already to teach me that important lesson – earlier this week, Maria ended up calling me in a fit because four of us from our team, including herself, were booked off that weekend, leaving us in a serious deficit in regards to coverage. She said she had no choice but to put her foot down, and one of us had to stay.

I spent a better part of a couple hours coming to terms with the idea that I’d have to cancel my plane ticket. At first, I experienced anger. Then I experienced resentment. And then sadness at not being able to go. And then as that all dissipated, I shifted my focus to the lesson at hand and changed my perspective on the situation; maybe, it wasn’t meant to be after all. And maybe this was the universe’s way of teaching me to be a little less impulsive and reckless. Yes, I love that I’m crazy spontaneous and I wouldn’t change that for the world. But, I do need to exercise a wee bit of caution with my crazy.

After a while, I was all good again. I accepted my lesson from the universe gratefully and was ready to cancel my ticket. But, something held me back. My gut told me to wait until the next day when I went into work, in the one-in-a-million chance that something would change and I would be able to go after all.

The next day, it turned out that someone from our team had miss-scheduled their vacation and had to change it. I immediately called Maria and hesitantly asked her if she still needed further coverage and if I needed to cancel my plane ticket.

And… she said it was okay, that I didn’t need to cancel and that I could still go!!!!!!!!

The relief was insane. But, it also came with an edge of caution now.

I can’t get attached to anything I plan in the future. Life is truly unpredictable, and if I live my life with the perception that everything I plan will follow through accordingly, I will suffer disappointment at my own hands when plans change or fall through because the universe has something else in store for me! In order to truly “go with the flow” I must not be attached to anything, and that includes the future or whatever I may plan for myself.

Things are constantly changing. This life is mercurial, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Anyways, this has been an amazing log and I’m so glad I covered as much as I did whilst getting introspective in a way that I haven’t for a very long time.

I still have to talk about my conversation with Luna, and now I have to add my night out with Radha and how I ran into Chad and Krystal today to that list of things I still need to catch up on!

Tomorrow, I’m reuniting with all of my family peeps and I’m so excited. I know we only mostly see each other during special occasions or holidays now, but that’s totally okay. It’s always as though no time has passed whenever we do see each other, and that’s what family is.

This month, I am going to make more of an effort to return to writing each and every day, because that’s what this log was intended for. I also joined the gym Olivia goes to, so I will be making more of an effort to be healthy and active as well. I am also going to return to my consistent meditations too. March has been a good month so I’m going to build upon that momentum and catapult myself into an amazing April.

I am thankful for everything this month has brought to my life and I’m looking forward to all the adventure, growth and learning that this upcoming month holds for me.

Until next time,

Love always,

Me.

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