Day 91 + 92 – April 1st & 2nd, 2018

Hello! Crap, life’s happening so fast that I’m barely able to keep up LOL! I really do need to get back to writing every day in order to keep up with the amount of things that are happening in my life these days.

Like, to add to the list of things I need to catch up and write about: yesterday, the shenanigans that were pulled with my family and the fact that Nick messaged me for the first time in like three months. And today, how Olivia, my mom and I moved into  Elizabeth’s condo in downtown because she’s gone away on business for the month and now we’re going to be living here in the heart of the city (WHICH IS SO FUCKING COOL).

Okay, maybe I can try to catch up on as much as I can in this log before I get tired and hit the hay! This week is going to be super busy because I’ve taken on a bunch of work shifts but I’m hoping that regardless of that, I’ll be able to write every day like I intend to.

Let’s see, where was I last? Ah yes, my conversation with Luna.

Alright, so when I got back from Belize, I felt (and still feel) totally different. For one thing, I’ve been practising living by this new mantra: “I do not care what people think about me.” And it’s been going so well so far! It’s actually so liberating to not care what people think about you. I started off with strangers first – for example, I play my music through my earphones as loud as I want and nod along and jam out and I do not care who stares or what people think. But it’s not just reflected in my actions; it also makes expressing myself so much easier too. I can say what I mean without fearing how people are going to react or how they’re going to perceive me because I legit do not care of what they think of me. So long as I’m being true to who I am, all that matters is what I think of me.

It’s a bit harder when it comes to people I do care about though. That’s what I’m challenging myself with now – remaining as true to myself as humanly possible without getting caught up in the reactions or perceptions of the people I consider to be close to. While I value what they think of me, I can’t let it define me because only I know my truth, after all. It’s like taking things with a grain of salt – good or bad, I can’t let myself get attached to other people’s perceptions of me because I am constantly changing and growing.

Anyways, that went off on what seems like an unnecessary tangent, but I’ll explain why it’s relevant to Luna.

Before I left, I was sticking to my pride and keeping the mentality that she should be the one to approach me first. Especially because I didn’t want her to perceive me as… conceding, per se? Or like, weak. But once I got back from Belize, everything was different. I didn’t care about how approaching her would seem, to her or to anyone else. I just went ahead and did it because life’s too short and I wanted to sit down and have an adult conversation with her. It didn’t matter that it was coming from me. That didn’t need to mean anything – it was only the initial weight that I was attaching to it before that made it seem like more than it actually was.

Anyways, I brought her back a little wooden hand-carved magnet with a turtle on it because I know how much she loves turtles, kind of like a peace offering almost. I gave that to her and she got super emotional, and then I told her that she and I should go on break some time to have a conversation and just lay things out on the table. She seemed rather taken aback at first but then she agreed completely. Before I walked away, she was like, “you seem different… what happened to you while you were in Belize?” And I couldn’t help but just, smile and shrug.

Later on in the week, we got an opportunity to go on break and have that conversation.

Let me make this long-winded conversation a short one: I explained my perspective on things, and she explained hers. Hers entailed a lot of blaming other people and a lot of victim-mentality. I especially didn’t like the fact that she said something along the lines of the fact that the ladies on my team have “houses” and “nice things” and she doesn’t; that had nothing to do with what happened.

None of what happened really mattered to me anymore – I kept my job, and despite Dylan getting fired partially due to what she said, he was much happier and better off now with his other jobs, so it seems. We won our Italy incentive regardless of the entire department pretty much being against us. What mattered to me, was that Luna understood and accepted responsibility for the consequences of her actions or the weight of what she said and thought in regards to my team and I.

So I asked her all of that point blank, and she admitted that she could have handled things differently, and she did acknowledge the part that she played in everything that went down during Christmas.

I could tell that she was still really upset about how all the other girls cut her off so quickly without so much as a conversation first, but once again that had nothing to do with our relationship with one another so I had nothing to comment on, regarding that.

After she admitted her part, I asked her what she expected from our friendship moving forward, and we both agreed that a lot of trust would have to be re-established in order to make things work. On both ends, because Luna was also hurt that I immediately asked for space, instead of having a conversation with her first and pointing out to her where she was wrong like an honest friend would have. Which is fair – I was so taken aback with everything that happened during Christmas that all I could think to do was retreat and protect my own energy and get through the season with my sanity intact. But, I make no apologies for the way I reacted. I perhaps could have handled things differently in that sense too. But I stayed true to me, and she understood that.

She asked if I thought we would travel again, and all I said was if the opportunity arises for us to, then maybe we could. But, I thought it best if we just take things one day at a time and see how things go first.

All in all, it was a straightforward, honest and adult conversation and I’m glad we had it. I don’t have the time, energy or even concern to entertain petty; this is what I want from my all my relationships, no matter what kind, moving forward. I want the vulnerability over pride, the honesty rather than letting things slide, the clear-cut conversation over passive-aggressiveness. But my gut is still a little iffy. Especially because after we got back to the department, she was already telling me about hotels she’d looked up around the world that my mom’s discount applied to, which immediately set me on my guard.

I can’t help but wonder – is that the main reason she’s fighting so hard for us to remain friends? Because of my use, through my mom’s discount? That, and because of how fun and easy it is to travel with me?

I don’t know man. When I mentioned that Olivia is headed off to England and that I intend to visit her there in August, she asked if she could come along too and even asked if I would be down to go to Greece and Spain afterwards. But of course, using my mom’s discount.

After having discovered the quaint but delightful charm of hostels, I don’t know if I want to spend that much money on hotels anymore. Not only does it take away from the authentic experience of local culture, but you don’t get to meet amazing people the way you do when you stay in hostels. I don’t think I want to do hotels anymore unless I actually have to, you know?

Anyways, I think she could sense my hesitation because she said we’ll see how things go and I agreed.

But really though, we will see how things go. She’s gone now for three weeks to Japan and the Philippines, and I think this space and time apart with do us some good. Hopefully this trip is transformative for her too, and I genuinely would love to hear all about it when she gets back. And when she does get back we can see if we can try to make things work and start a new friendship with one another. We can’t go back to what we had because I’m no longer the person I once was and I’m sure she isn’t either. But, maybe we can learn to move forward. We’ll see.

There! One topic down, a couple more to go. What’s next?

Right, my night out with Radha!!!

Radha ended up having a rare day off and initially, we were planning on doing a whole day trip of driving out to some place where we could hike and get lost in nature and maybe have a picnic and just adventure (I’m inspiring her to get out there and live life and she’s really taking to it, which makes me happy!)

But because of the weather, we changed our plans and decided to keep it closer to home and do a night out in downtown instead (one of many to come!)

So after I finished work, she came over and we got ready together, blasting Spanish tunes and doing our makeup side by side just like the old days when we would get ready for formal together, it was so cute.

And then she drove us all the way to downtown (she doesn’t drink) once again blasting tunes the whole way down and it was so much fun! We were just vibing, enjoying the drive and the beats.

Once we parked, we made our way over to this place called the Ballroom, where one of her coworkers met up with us. His name was Adrian, he’s Italian and bears an uncanny yet striking resemblance to Dylan LOL (which Natasha also picked up on when she joined us later).

But actually though, it really was uncanny – they even smiled the same way!!! They both have that whole corner of the mouth lifting up into a charming grin kind of thing going on for them, which is nuts.

He was a really nice guy, he bought us rounds of drinks and refused to let me pay even though we had legit just met. It got to a point that I had to buy a round while he wasn’t paying attention, LOL. He had a really chill vibe too, and we talked about his tastes in music (from trap to heavy metal to alt rock, he’s got some pretty cool varied tastes) while Radha networked with some people for a little while (that girl can legit strike up a conversation with absolutely anybody, just like me!)

After a while, a pool table freed up and we were able to get a couple rounds in (I was terrible, Adrian was great, Radha was good and Olivia surprisingly picked up on it really quickly LOL).

It was so much fun! But after last call, we decided to venture out into downtown in Radha’s car and just drive around. So we bumped some more tunes and drove around until we decided to head to Denny’s and grab something to eat (since they’re open 24 hours).

We sat there for a while and ate all kinds of stuff (there was French toast to be had, bacon jalapeno cheddar poppers, breakfast foods, you name it) and had a really good conversation too. Turns out Adrian loves lame jokes and puns just as much as I do, and he’s pretty well-traveled as well.

Eventually the night drew to a close, so we drove Adrian all the way to Finch station where his car was parked. We bid him adieu, then Radha drove us all back to my place, where we proceeded to knock out around four in the morning after some super late real-talks.

The next morning, I made us some delectable pancakes (if I do say so myself) and she headed out. All in all, successful night out! I’m so glad that she’s so inspired by my adventurous attitude and also wants to get out there and live her life to the fullest in whatever ways she can, even if that entails a spontaneous night out in downtown or a hike through the wilderness. I’m honestly so glad the universe nudged me along and made me follow my gut. It was finally time for us to be re-introduced into one another’s lives again.

Well, that concludes this log for tonight! I think I was rather introspective along the way of catching up, which makes me happy. Next to address on the list: running into Krystal and Chad, Easter Sunday shenanigans with the fam, Nick messaging me after months of silence, moving into downtown, and one last thing that I forgot – Jake! I have to write about what’s been going on with him too, because I haven’t written about him in ages. That was an interesting plot twist that has yet to get even more interesting.

Okay, next log! Which I’m sure will be written sometime tomorrow after my shift since I’ll be getting off earlier than I did today.

How exciting it is that all I have to do is hop on a train to get to work from here! This month has already started off so amazingly well.

Until later!

Love always,

Me.

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