Day 95 + 96 – April 5th & 6th, 2018

Hello! So it’s currently really late at night and I was going to wait until tomorrow morning to write this log but, I’m not feeling too sleepy with the amount of thoughts that are currently running through my brain that I need to get out, and then I think I’ll be able to sleep and face tomorrow and be good again.

The bruise-y feeling is back. Yep, I hung out with Dylan.

I don’t get it! The more time we spend away from each other, the better – I think of him less, and when I do think of him, all I feel is friendly feelings. But legit, the last couple times we’ve hung out have literally left me feeling nostalgic for something we never even had. So, I don’t get it.

I know full well he only thinks of me as a friend. He’s gone from texting me “dude” to full-on saying it in person now, (honestly, I’m pretty sure that’s the last word he said to me as I was getting out of the car after saying goodbye). And like, it’s fine, that doesn’t bug me as much anymore because truly, I am very happy being his friend and am getting more and more comfortable with this fact as time goes on.

So, why do I feel this way every single time we hang out? Why does it leave me feeling all ache-y, have me re-living literally every single part of the conversation for hours afterwards while I smile like an idiot?

Are my feelings not resolved? Do I need closure or some kind?

I checked inwards and my inner voice shook my head “no” to closure, because even though we never really had “that” conversation (“Listen, you’re a great girl but I only see you as a friend”), he still made it perfectly clear at the end of last year that friendship is all that’s cut out for us.

So with this knowledge, why do I still feel this way each time we hang out? Shouldn’t this be getting easier?

I mean, it sort of is. Like, infinitesimally. I’m definitely more comfortable being myself, and the initial nervousness is wearing off a lot quicker each time we hang out.

Maybe it’s because of the content of our conversations. Maybe it’s because we’re so alike in the ways that matter to me most – our “try everything” attitude, the deep love of adventure and travel, how we both want more out of life than just to settle down living here when there’s so much world out there to see, how we both believe living simplistically and humbly is the key to happiness.

Speaking of the content, side note but today was actually a lot of fun! We talked and talked and talked, I told him all about my trip and all the things I realized that I wanted for myself, I asked him a question I’ve been meaning to ask him for a while regarding his own realizations, we caught up on our home-life situations and so much more. He even took the time to fill me in on the current dramas regarding UFC, and then legit took a full half hour to teach me the basics about baseball since I legit have no clue how any of it works.

I ventured out of our conversation comfort-zone for a moment by commenting on how cute his Hawaii travel-buddies were, and even said that I was planning on using one of his buddies’ pick-up tactics that he used on chicks while they were there. I just want him to know that I’m over it too, you know? (Even though I’m clearly not).

Is it because he falls so perfectly into the attraction habits I have that Nadia pointed out to me? That I tend to search for guys that I believe need saving or guidance?

The thing is with that is, the more I get to know him, the more he falls out of that pattern – he doesn’t need my help. He’s figuring out his life for himself, through travel, through introspection. Better yet, even if he did need help, he’d never in a million years ask for it, nor would I probably ever know for sure because of how guarded he is about himself. (Less now more so though, he talks about his family and himself a lot more openly with me now).

Sigh.

In the end, none of these questions matter I suppose. I feel the way I feel when we hang out (for now), I don’t want to stop being friends with him regardless of the bruise-y, and regardless of how I do feel and what I told him last summer, inevitably he only sees me as a friend and that’s that. I have to be patient and let time do its work to heal my heart.

Because, I really do think we’ve got a great friendship ahead of us – today we both agreed that we’d love to travel together sometime since it’d definitely be a blast and that if he or I end up in any part of the world for some time, we promised to visit each other for sure.

I’m just going to trust the process and put my faith in the universe on this one, like I plan to do for every aspect of my life. I’m not going to deny the way I feel to myself, and I’m happy I can talk to me about it because it’s perfectly okay that I feel this way. I’ve known for some time that Dylan’s a great guy, and it’s not that I’m incapable of being friends with him. I just need to fall out of the deep attraction I have to the potential I saw for us. Deep down I know it doesn’t make sense to have such strong feelings for the “maybes” that never were, but it is what it is and that’s okay. It’s me.

You know, the more we hang out, the more I wonder what it was that made him like… change his mind? Or maybe this was how he felt the entire time but didn’t quite know how to tell me? And maybe he only asked me out on that first date to be nice?

That said, what I mean by all these questions is that I’m finally beginning to get a little curious as to his thought process on the whole matter of me telling him how I felt about him, and what led us to where we are now.

Maybe one day when I feel like we’re in a sturdier place with our friendship, I’ll dredge up the courage to ask. Maybe it’ll be on a beach in Bali after a long day of surfing (which he promised he’d teach me how to do). Who knows!

In the meanwhile, I must continue to do my best to move on. And I am! I’ve met some incredible guys, made some pretty great connections, and there’s a ton of potential in the air with all these little threads of possibilities. So, we’ll see where life takes me. I’m glad I started this year off by telling the universe I’m ready! I’m still doing my own thing and focusing on me, but I’ve got to admit it’s been a hell of a lot of fun talking to all the guys I’ve met thus far. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever indulged in light-hearted casual fun! It’s been great.

Anyways, it’s time for me to head to bed. I feel better! Still bruise-y, but less ache-y.

I took a moment to re-read the log I wrote after the last time we hung out, and it’s basically this exact same log, word for word LOL. Same questions, same realizations. I wonder what lesson I’m failing to learn here, (if there is one).

OH WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Time to let gooooooo. Yes, we laugh, we have fun, we can talk endlessly and yes his arms looked absolutely delectable in that black t-shirt he was wearing today. Alas! C’est la vie *shrug*.

I’m grateful for the pain though! I’m grateful for it all, grateful that I feel things as deeply as I do. I can’t imagine living life any less passionately than the way I do now.

Until tomorrow,

Love always and eternally,

Me.

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