Day 97 + 98 – April 7th & 8th, 2018

Hello, hello! What an amazing weekend it’s been. I’m actually forgetting all the stuff I was supposed to catch up on now, LOL. I’ll write about the past two days and then hopefully maybe I can just briefly outline whatever else I’ve missed from before.

Okay so yesterday was Saturday, and after my work shift, I ended up going out with Krystal and Chad! I didn’t get to mention this from before, but I ended up running into them at work sometime last week and we caught up for about an hour or so. After that, we agreed that we should hang out some time soon, and honestly I was planning on messaging them eventually but they beat me to it – Krystal ended up messaging me to ask me if I was free Saturday night and I was! And it was perfect timing too, what with having moved into this condo, because they wanted to go out to a drag bar in down town.

It was so, so much fun! We all vibed together so well, we vaped, we enjoyed the drag shows and the music and the people and it was all just so free and fun and amazing. We danced for a while, and talked to different people, and I even made friends with the DJ and she invited me into her booth!! I love that everywhere I go, no matter where it is or with whom, I always somehow end up manifesting these amazing occurrences by being so open to absolutely everything, every person, every instance and circumstance.

After we spent a good amount of time at the club, we decided to go satisfy our crazy munchies craving with some pho at a 24 hour Vietnamese restaurant in Chinatown. That’s where we sat and talked, and really caught up. Krystal and Chad are on a really good vibration right now too! They meditate together, Chad’s gotten really chill since he smokes so much weed now, and Krystal’s read the Alchemist because she was inspired by my recommendation, so she understands the idea of conspiring with the universe.

They’re both doing really well, and they’re happy. It felt as though no time had passed at all since we’d last hung out, and yet at the same time it felt like we were all different people who vibed really well together now. I like this new interesting theme in my life, where people I once used to hang out with who drifted away are drifting back now, with new and heightened vibrations that match my own.

Anyways, after pho they came over to check out the condo for a bit and we hung out here for a while and talked (and ate some sweet desserts, LOL). They left around four in the morning, but we all agreed it was definitely a great night and that we would do it again soon.

It’s a little late now because I ended up talking to Radha on the phone for a little bit, but I’m going to try to write as much as I can before sleep knocks me out (having slept at four, I didn’t get too much sleep last night).

Today I had the day off, so Avery ended up coming over. Initially we were going to go chill at the pub across the street but then we changed our mind and decided to have a chill day-in and watch the game from home with take-out food and wine.

We walked around for a little while, catching up on his new job and how he has a car now, and how he’s slowly but surely knocking out everything on his goals list, which is amazing! I’m so happy for him and so proud of him for manifesting these things for himself whilst working alongside the universe.

Once we got take-out from the pub, a bottle of wine from LCBO and desserts from Metro, we headed back to the condo. But then, we ended up sitting for about an hour and a half in front of the big window just earnestly talking about life, even right into the game.

I told him about my trip, about all the things I realized I wanted for myself, about how I’ve never experienced that level of clarity or certainty before in my life, the way I did in that moment on the dock, surrounded by the people who had relentlessly pursued their deepest dreams and destroyed their comfort zones.

And he understood; he understood the one-way ticket, understood why I felt like this whole “system” here wasn’t meant for me, and told me that he supported my decisions no matter what they entailed, as long as I was happy.

I asked him point blank whether or not he thought I should stay and finish my degree, and he didn’t want to comment on a decision as big as that, which is fair. He did offer his own personal opinion based off his experiences though: he told me that he felt that his degree had done nothing to get him to where he was now. That he doesn’t remember any of it since all it entailed was memorization for the most part. That a big part of why he did it was for his family, but knew there were people out there who hadn’t gotten their degrees and were doing just fine for themselves.

We both understood that there must be some reason it’s taken me this long to get this degree, to know what I want for myself. But I’m trying to figure that out. I’m trying to know myself so deeply that what I want becomes clearer and clearer, no matter what that takes.

I have such an incredible, unshakeable sense of faith in my process now, in myself. To the point that I no longer fear the ideas of “failure” or “mistakes” – there’s no such thing. The idea of “failure” or “mistakes” come from fear, fear of pain, fear of digressing outside of what we’ve been taught is the “norm”. We’re taught not to question what we’re taught, taught to do things a certain way because it’s the only way to get by. Well, I don’t believe that.

“Failure” and “mistakes” are actually lessons. They reveal to you another layer of yourself, they are some of life’s greatest teachers, they are the buffers on the bowling alley that is life, steering you along so that eventually you can hit your pins and knock em’ all down. (Yes I just made used bowling as a metaphor for life).

I am so open to whatever is meant for me. I intend to work towards whatever my purpose is, and I also am dedicated to doing whatever it takes to find it, to know it so completely that it feels like home. No matter what it takes. The point here is, even if I get “set back” or if everything comes crashing down, I’m not giving up! Life’s too beautiful to not stop trying!!!!! There’s so much out there, so much to do and see, so much to learn! How could I let anything stop me? How could I ever let me stop me?!

I used to be so afraid of having my life up in the air, of not having a plan to stick to. I used to despise uncertainty and fear the future when there was nothing concrete to look forward to. Now?

I thrive on it. I live for the uncertainty. I love it! I want life to take me where it will, but I also promise to run with it, full force. When you’re truly present in every moment you are given, when you make the most of those moments in the Now, then the “future” falls into place exactly as it is meant to. I believe in this with all of my being.

I want life, everything it entails, pain, heartbreak, happiness, joy, ecstasy, sadness, anger, all of it. And through it all? Peace. Contentment. A stillness, knowing that I did everything I could, sought every lesson I could seek.

I went off on a bit of a tangent there, but that’s essentially the gist of the conversation Avery and I had today. It was so good! I love how we connect. We can even sit in silence together, and that feels comfortable to me too. We eventually got around to watching the rest of the game, and then watched some other shows on tv until we got through the entire wine bottle. Eventually he left, but not before giving me a huge hug and telling me he’d see me when I got back, if I got back LOL. He said it’d be cool if he ended up having a place to stay at in Belize though, if that’s where I ended up too.

He’ll always be one of my best, most closest friends. I’m glad we have each other.

Oh, more news! It looks like I’m also headed towards Guatemala for a day or two, while I’m on this trip! Apparently Guatemala has one of the biggest Mayan ruins in the whole world, a place called “Tikal”. I’m so looking forward to adventuring around yet another country!

Honestly, right now I’m gearing up to head back by the Tuesday. I do want to write that one last exam since I now know that I do have the option of writing it. But I don’t know. I can’t know anything for sure. I haven’t booked a return ticket. I don’t know why this trip was all of a sudden meant to be, can’t explain why it felt so right to buy that one way ticket when I did. Maybe I’ll find the answers while I’m there.

Right now, I can see myself coming back though. I can see myself doing summer school, figuring things out and simplifying the process so I can get through this degree as painlessly as possible. Ultimately, it would mostly be more so for my mom than for me, and I have to be honest about that here. I’d like to have it for me, yes. But I now understand that I’ve struggled with it so much because I was told to do it. As much as I want to help people, this path was designated for me. I never once asked myself what I wanted in the past 25 years of my life, until now.

Never once have I wanted any of it for myself, not whole-heartedly. So strange. I don’t think it’s a matter of laziness. I think it was more so a matter of not knowing me, not knowing what I wanted for myself, but being told to go through university anyways to get it over with.

All retrospect aside though, if I come back and go through with this, that will have to change. I need to want this degree for myself above any other reason or else I’ll never truly have the motivation to go through with it.

Everything will happen exactly as it’s meant to. I know myself deeper than I ever have in my life. I have complete faith in myself, in the universe. I trust myself. I trust my intuition. And even when the universe has lessons to teach me through the consequences of the decisions I make, even then I will be thankful and accept those lessons whole-heartedly. I am ready.

Okay, bed time for me! There’s not much I have to catch up on I think. Other than Jon coming back next week, and how I’m hanging out with Sofia tomorrow to catch up, and how I’m actually going to be hanging out with Adrian on my day off Tuesday interestingly enough! He’s even coming all this way to downtown from Richmond Hill to take me somewhere (it’s a surprise). This week is already shaping up to be pretty interesting, that’s for sure! I’ll definitely find a moment to write tomorrow, so until then!

Love always and in every way,

Me.

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