Day 100 – April 10th, 2018

And on the 100th day of the year, life pretty much totally flipped upside down in a way I never imagined possible.

Where do I even begin? How do I even begin to try to capture in words everything that just happened, but more accurately still everything I think and feel as a result? How is it that I can sit here and question how any of this is possible and yet understand so deeply and with more clarity than anything I’ve experienced? And yet, at the same time, how did any of this happen!? Essentially… WHAT. THE. FUCK!?!!?!?!?

Safe to say, I am fully shook. Like all the way shook. Like… literally shook, as in I was legit shaking afterwards and my legs felt all tingly and numb as though I was going to collapse at any second.

I feel anxiety in the pit of my stomach because the “logical” part of me hasn’t experienced this level of good, this level of magic, in some time. And so I’m terrified of it, it scares me to my core. But the deeper part of me is at peace because I know exactly how it happened and how it manifested and I understand on some level that this was meant for me, right now, because it’s what I’ve been asking for. And again, that “logic” side of me thinks I’m crazy but for once, something that I cannot explain does not deserve or need an explanation. For once, it just is.

I just… wow. I almost can’t believe it, but I do, because it happened, it is happening.

I have butterflies!! You know how long it’s been since I felt like this!?!?!? Actually, this level of… whatever feeling this is, is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with anyone ever. Because I’ve never met anyone like this while I’ve been in this place that I am in right now, so it make sense that this is an all new experience to me.

In retrospect, I can see every single tiny piece of the puzzle and how exactly everything fell into place that led me to today. I can see how every single moment, every person, every feeling, every thought I’ve had, every question I’ve asked the universe, led to what happened in those moments.

I feel crazy!!!! THIS IS CRAZY!

Okay. I’ve just come back from watching a super funny movie with Olivia and my mom and I’ve calmed down a bit now. But still, it was just… like, indescribable, you know? (Today, not the movie! Although the movie was pretty fucking hilarious, legit I laughed until I cried).

Anyways, to finally begin.

Basic details: Adrian and I met in front of the Sony Center, and then we walked to the place he wanted to bring me to, which was super close by. It was a cool coffee place that had like a rustic feel to it, which I loved. We got cappuccinos and split a Danish, which he paid for since I grabbed that super late night/early morning breakfast that me, him, Radha and Olivia had had together the night that we’d met at the Ballroom.

Ugh, I wish this pit in my stomach would go away! Listen me, everything is okay! You’re okay. Have faith. I know this is unlike everything you’ve ever experienced but don’t fear the unknown. You’re just fine. Everything is more than fine, it’s great.

Okay. So yeah, those were the basic details. Now for the reason I’m shook. Long story short? We ended up talking for literally almost six hours straight. About everything you could ever possibly imagine. About life, about death, about fear, hopes and dreams, our biggest accomplishments and values, our viewpoints and perspectives on reincarnation and spirituality, on kindness and empathy, on laughter and travel, ghosts and the paranormal, on confidence and romance and movies, on our passions and pasts, likes and dislikes, our shared love for lame jokes and clever puns, the universe, and so, so much more.

Half way through that time, we ended up wandering over to St. Lawrence Market, where we ended up settling into the rest of our conversation. By this point, there were moments where we’d literally just stare at each other in awe and also utter shock at how alike we were on so many things. Like, on about 99% of the topics we discussed, we had the exact same perspectives or ideas. I can’t count the amount of times I actually literally said, “you just took the words right out of my mouth”. At one point, we were joking about how we were surprised we were able to carry a conversation at all what with how alike we were and how often we said what the other was thinking.

At one point, he even looked at me and was like, “are you real?!?!” Which literally, I was thinking the exact same thing about him! LIKE HOW!?

Everything I’ve written in these recent logs about how this system isn’t for me, about how I don’t want to end up here – he feels the exact same way as me. He doesn’t care for money or the 9-5 life or settling for anything this society has told us we’re meant to have or to do. I just, I was legit at a loss for words.

The funny thing was, it’s almost as though he was a combination of all of the best parts of the people I’ve ever fallen for or been with – he reminded me so much of Dylan on all the things that we agreed on or talked about, he was just as funny (if not funnier) than Nick, he was so incredibly intellectual and smart and so well-rounded in the way he spoke and held himself the way Jake spoke to me, he felt familiar to me the way that Aryan always felt to me and yet… he was also so much like me. It was like… meeting myself? The lame jokes and cheesy puns, the easy-going smile, the kindness and generosity, the faith and belief in himself and the contentedness that comes along with knowing yourself in that way.

I was aware of my thoughts but not involved with them in any way. I felt… completely and totally comfortable being myself, being around him. I felt like I’d known him for so long, which is so bizarre because this is legit the first time he and I have ever, ever hung out just us two.

And for the briefest of brief moments when his knee brushed against mine, it felt like my entire body was zapped with electricity. And I kept thinking how badly I wanted to launch myself at him. LMAO. It was just… the passion he had in the way he talked about the things he loves, like cooking or travelling or his family… it was entrancing. And god, that smile. And his eyes. Sjrtjrtl jeljt ylekjl kjtylkj rdktjy lkjtyk jlrktjy ldrjty

And how he made me laugh!!!! Like the jokes, I love love love them! He made a joke about Van Gogh (told me to repeat what I’d just said because he couldn’t hear it out of one ear OMG) I legit laughed for like 10 minutes!!!!! I told him right off the bat that humour’s always been the quickest way to my heart.

And that’s another thing – how easy it was to be totally honest and transparent with him. I told him straight up that I had no idea what to expect when he asked me to go for coffee (not that I ever try to have expectations anymore since I’m practising being as open-minded as possible) but that whole entire conversation and everything it entailed had me utterly shell-shocked in the best way possible and he felt the exact same way. We even marvelled at how the universe led us to meeting each other: if I hadn’t re-connected with Radha, if the Jay’s home opener hadn’t of been on that day, if it hadn’t of rained and Radha and I stuck to our original plan of going hiking instead of going out… we wouldn’t have ever met!!!! Or maybe we would have, in entirely different circumstances, you know? But everything fell so perfectly into place.

I’ve never, ever felt like this before. I mean like, for someone, so quickly, in a way that I can’t explain. I remember a while ago, writing in my logs that I’ve only ever experienced magic once in my life. Well, now I have again. Because this day, this day was legit magic. It was everything I’ve been asking for. And never in a million years would I have thought it’d happen this way or with this person who literally entered my life completely out of the blue.

I still can’t believe it. I’m literally sitting here just sighing and shaking my head. Like, how?!?!

And oh man. For the first time, in all of my time of travelling thus far… I don’t…want to leave.

I know that sounds crazy. “What the fuck, you were LITERALLY just saying how much you love to travel and how badly you don’t want to end up here. And now you’re changing your mind over a GUY YOU JUST MET!?!? ARE YOU GOOD?!!?!?” (That’s what my logic-driven ego-self is yelling at me right now).

No. I feel this way because for the first time in a very, very long time, I finally feel like something I’ve been searching for, the answers I’ve been seeking… I’ve finally found them in some way, and for once I found them here. I can’t explain it. I don’t want to.

I find myself, time and time again, while travelling. And today, in this city that I call home… I found myself once more, only this time… in someone else. And I want to know more.

I’ll still go. I was meant to find that ticket after all. And whether or not I end up in Guatemala, I don’t particularly care anymore LOL. The whole wide world is out there waiting for me and it isn’t going anywhere any time soon. I’m not in a rush.

I kept seeing myself coming back, enjoying the summer here, and a part of me saw it so clearly but didn’t quite know why. It was like visions: I saw myself with my friends, with my family and my cousins, on road trips all around Ontario. I need to learn how to appreciate where I am, right here, right now. There’s so much beauty to this country too, to everything I have here… today reminded me of that.

I didn’t even realize that I needed a reminder to have faith and trust the process but that’s exactly what today was for me. It was… reassurance, of the strongest and best kind, a beautiful and significant gesture from the universe that I’m utterly grateful for.

A part of me, my ego-self, wonders if he felt it too. But my deeper self… the way he looked at me, the way he hugged me goodbye and how my heart literally flipped in my chest as he held me for that moment that felt so much longer than it actually was… I don’t need to ask. I just need to trust.

The more I type, the more the anxiety dissipates and my heart just feels… full. Content. At ease.

I haven’t even left and I’m already so excited to get back, LOL. This is the first time I’ve ever felt that way about travelling.

Some deeper parts of the conversation I do want to remember though: the moment he told me about how his mom passed away about five years ago due to cancer. And how his tattoo is for her; when he was in England and he did a Beatles tour, he’d heard the song “Let It Be”, and the lyrics that stood out were, “when I find myself in times of trouble/ Mother Mary comes to me” and he just knew he had to get them, right on his heart… his mom’s name was Mary. I immediately teared up when he told me this, and he immediately apologized and said he didn’t mean to make me emotional but ah, how couldn’t I? It was such a beautiful tattoo with such an incredible meaning. And I told him, she sounded like an incredible woman, and she truly raised an amazing son.

There’s so many things about him that I liked; he’s multilingual (English, Italian, Spanish, French AND German!), studied History as his major because he wanted to pursue what he loved in school even if it didn’t lead to a career, his love of travel and adventure that matched my own perfectly, his love for humour and laughter, the fact that he can cook Italian food (UM HI, SPAGHETTI IS LEGIT MY FAVE FOOD ON THIS EARTH), his light-hearted and positive outlook on life despite the hardships he’s experienced, his desire to constantly grow as a person and learn as much as he can (both outwardly and inwardly), his curiosity, how he listened, how open and honest he was towards every single one of my questions that I had towards him, no matter how inquisitive I became. I never once felt like I had to hold back.

And get this – he loves brown food! His ex-girlfriend of five years was Indian, and he loves chai tea and roti and omg he knew what biriyani was LMAO. I’m so dead.

I keep thinking back to the first time we met – I didn’t feel this pull then, because I was so sure something was there between him and Radha and I didn’t want to intervene. So I brushed it off, even though my immediate thought was how good looking he was.

But even then, in that first time, I felt so completely at home with myself around him. I was my weird eccentric self (if not more weird than usual) – I played air guitar with the pool stick, I went around the side of the pool table and pretended to go down an imaginary stair case and escalator (yup), I danced around like a maniac with Radha and stuffed my face full of brownies off a plate that a group of guys from a business meeting had given us.

I even broke out my own lame jokes and puns and he matched them, joke for joke, when we ended up at Denny’s after the Ballroom that night. And even then I remember thinking how impressed I was. But still, I wrote it off.

It’s amazing what can find you when you least expect it. When you stop looking and just let things be, let things happen.

I can’t get his smile out of my head. I’m such a loser LMAO. But like I told him, I wouldn’t change me for anything.

And it’s crazy – Nadia fully told me to give a chance to someone who didn’t immediately enthrall me, and she was so right. I didn’t immediately feel that pull with Adrian because he’s whole within himself, so that one factor that usually attracts me to guys right off the bat wasn’t there, amidst the other reasons I had written it off. But the moment I gave it a chance, agreed to coffee, sat down and actually talked with him… led to one of the best conversations I’ve ever had in my life and literally a shit ton of feels I’ve never, ever experienced before. Like, five hours felt like twenty minutes in his company (which is what he just texted to say it felt like with me today). It felt like we were outside time completely.

It’s actually such an incredible feeling, to feel “at home” with someone. Like that familiarity. We had our uncanny and frequent similarities, but even our differences somehow complimented one another (he loves avocados and I hate them, which made him happy because he promised to eat the avocado that I would pick off my dragon roll sushi that we were going to have together one day).

And he smokes up, like me!!! Like our chill vibe is definitely mutual in that sense, which I adore.

I could go on and on, I really could. But I’m going to leave it be at this, for now.

A challenge lies ahead now. My ego-self is going to fight this. It’s going to question this, poke holes at it, try to make me doubt what I know deep down, based on its past experiences of fear and what it thinks is “logical”.

But I know better.

I’m going to do my utmost best to listen to my deeper self. The one that saw the truth today, felt the clarity, embraced the unknown and just let things unfold in the beautiful ways that they did. I’m going to come back to this log, on this 100th day, if I ever feel my faith in this start to falter, or if I begin to question how good this was.

I’m allowed to experience this. I deserve this. It was meant for me. I am allowed to experience good without fearing that something bad will happen. And even if something “bad” does happen, that’s totally okay too. Everything is a lesson. So fear of any kind is baseless and hollow and has no place to take up any spot in my mind and heart. It doesn’t belong here anymore.

And who knows what will happen! He could very well just end up being a friend for all I know. I’m honestly so truly open to absolutely anything. And I’m so, so grateful for meeting him. For meeting someone so absolutely like-minded to me, especially in the ways that mattered the most to me.

The “click”. That’s what the feeling was. That’s the only real way I can put it into words, I suppose (despite my feeble attempts to try through this log, LOL).

Sigh.

I’ll write tomorrow when I get a chance! Finally going back to work after three days of being off, but it was much needed. I had such a great time off – not only was today a perfect day in this way, I got to really catch up with both Avery and Leila in separate ways these past couple days, I had a blast with Chad and Krystal over the weekend, and I took time to myself to work out and take an amazing bath and just relax. It was lovely.

Here’s to… life. And just the absolutely magic that it can bring about, if you just believe in it.

Love always,

Me.

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