Day 101 – April 11th, 2018

Hello, hello.

So I got news.

I cancelled my ticket to Belize when I woke up this morning, LOL.

I know, wild. But as I’m strengthening my relationship with my intuition, more and more truths are beginning to find me.

I had this inexplicable sense of anxiety about my trip, even before I met Adrian. couldn’t bring myself to pack, to finalize any details, to go exchange any money. I wasn’t even particularly excited.

But then this morning, sign after sign poured in, which led to me realizing other signs that were building up throughout these past weeks. Like, how moving into this condo actually made me sad that I was going to be leaving it for a good chunk of time, even if I was spending that time in another country. How I couldn’t be honest with people who were important to me about this trip, like my mom or even Maria. I don’t want to do something I love if lying is a means to achieving it. I want it to be whole-hearted, like the way I feel about travelling. And then this morning, Rose asked to come over this weekend so that we could go to Maple Leaf’s square to watch a playoff game this Saturday and my heart actually skipped a beat because that sounded like so much fun, more fun that leaving the country, which I know sounds nuts.

And a cherry on top: my sister, Bianca AND Bethany all had a bad feeling about it too. Bianca had even had a nightmare about my leaving – she dreamt that she begged me to stay and woke up in a panic, that’s how vivid the dream had been.

So this morning, I pulled up my travel reservation, closed my eyes and breathed deeply. I imagined the sun and  the sea, and asked myself if I really wanted to go. If I needed to go.

And the answer that came up was “no”.

When I clicked “cancel”, my whole body flooded with relief. Not only would I be saving a ton of money, that money saved could go towards a whole new country, a whole new experience, and a whole new set of realizations and lessons. You can never experience the same thing twice, and my rule has always been never go anywhere more than once.

I just needed to realize all of this for myself. For once, I am happy and content, right here where I am in this present moment. I can live as fully as possible exactly where I am too.

This is a prime example of why I trust myself so deeply. Even if I had decided to go, I know I would have learnt this lesson in a different way. But the fact is that I’m relying so much on my intuition that I’m learning these things exactly in the ways that I am meant to, when I am meant to.

Anyways, that’s that! I’m looking forward to a lovely weekend now, all to myself and spent with friends and family.

On to the next matter now.

So Radha called me earlier this evening to let me know that Adrian had talked to her about yesterday, briefly. And she said she kind of got the feeling that he’s a little freaked out by all of this, and boy, I do not blame him. I’m still a little shook myself.

But while I’m shook, I also feel like I’ve never been more certain about how I feel, even if I can’t describe what it entails. I don’t even know if that makes sense, but it scares me, because it doesn’t make sense, you know?

I’m all over the place. We’re in the midst of making plans again, and I’m actually struggling with myself. A part of me is so impatient and wants to hang out again as soon as possible. A part of me wants it to be perfect, to go a certain way. A part of me is trying to figure out how exactly I’d like this to manifest.

But. The beauty of yesterday was that I went into it with no expectations, you know? I didn’t plan for anything and it ended up being one of the most amazing days I’ve experienced this year.

Hmm.

Okay, I’ll do my part but at the same time, leave it up to the universe. Whatever is meant to happen, will happen.

A part of me is also scared that my certainty about this is going to scare him. But, I know better too – if he’s just as willing to look past his own logic-driven side the way I am trying to look past my own fears, then I have nothing to fear at all. Actually, in every way that I look at this, my fears are baseless, no matter what outcome I imagine. All that the fear signifies is that I actually deeply care about this person, and that’s a good thing.

Le sigh.

I’m so impatient LOL!!! I need to settle down. But ever had something so impossibly good just within your grasp that you want so badly, right away? It’s tough man. But this isn’t just anything. It has the potential to be everything. So… patience, my dear Watson.

I need to mellow out, trust the process, put my faith in the Universe, and let go. As always, everything will happen exactly as it’s meant to, when it’s meant to.

Okay. Off to bed I go. I’ve written enough for tonight.

I’ve got work tomorrow night, and then I’m off until next Thursday LOL! What am I going to do with myself?! I’m definitely going to make the most of those days off and adventure around. This weekend is already promising to be amazing and busy so I’m looking forward to being distracted for a little while. Plus it’ll make time fly by faster.

Until next time!

Love always,

Me.

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