Day 107 – April 17th, 2018

I can feel my brow furrowed in worry as I type this, LOL. I just made myself take a deep breath and relax my face and already I feel better.

It’s not that I’m worried about anything per se. It’s more so that I’ve been in this deep state of contemplation for a better part of this day, so why not bang everything out here and see what I’m left with rather than replaying the same thoughts and questions over and over in my head?

Okay so, yesterday when I wrote that I didn’t feel bruise-y after meeting up with Dylan, that was true. I was being honest. It did feel totally friendly and I was more than happy to chill out with him in that way.

But.

Once again today, I found myself wondering why. Why didn’t he feel the same way as I did? What led him to seeing me only as a friend? Was it some conscious decision he made? Or was it just a matter of hanging out those couple times that we did and him not feeling anything towards me?

Which leads me to another why – why am I wondering these things at all? Do I need closure? Is it curiosity? Is it coming from an ego-driven sense of self that needs to know why this person wasn’t attracted to me? Or do I want to know because I want to really be able to move on, with no holds barred, and give this new person who’s entered my life a real chance?

So many questions!

So, I think I want to ask myself all of these questions, like have a conversation with my deeper self and see what she says.

I’ll just type out the questions as they come, pause for a moment to locate that deeper sense of self, and then type away as she speaks to me.

Alright, first question:

Q: I claim to have complete faith in the universe. I believe that everything happens as it’s meant to. Sometimes that means that things happen exactly as they’re meant to, and I’m meant to detach myself from those “end results” (for lack of a better description) accept that things are the way they are, and move forward. That being said – me questioning or wondering why he doesn’t feel the same way, is that a sign that my faith in the universe is faltering? Am I not trusting in the process if I feel like I need an answer as to why he didn’t feel the same way, instead of just accepting that he didn’t and being happy with the way things are now?

A: No. Your faith is not faltering. You have accepted everything for what it is. You openly try to make time for this person, to be in his presence, without expecting or wanting more than just friendship.

What you have to understand here is that, as much as you are learning to rely on your intuition (i.e. me), you are also human. And a part of human nature is asking questions. In fact, curiosity is a beautiful aspect of humanity, the desire to want to know more or learn more.

What you really should be focusing on is your motivations behind asking the questions that you are asking.

Q: Okay, fair enough. I am inquisitive by nature, that’s true. I like to know things, I like asking questions, and then asking questions about those questions or their answers. It’s a part of who I am, I like to know why things (or people) tick the way that they do. It explains my love for Psychology, after all.

So my next set of questions is this: why do I need to know why? Am I asking because I’m hurt? Am I asking because my old ego-self is wondering if it had anything to do with who I am as a person? Am I asking because I’m simply curious? Am I asking because I need his answer to really move forward? Do I need closure? And if so, why? Also, am I asking too many questions and making this a lot more complicated than it needs to be? Am I overthinking?

A: If you think you’re overthinking, then simplify things. It’s always a choice, right?

Q: True. Okay, no overthinking. Just, simple questions and simple answers. Overthinking stems from attaching emotion to your thought process and then reacting to the things you think, and attaching unnecessary weight to the thoughts. I won’t go there. I’ll make a point of asking these questions without reacting emotionally, because I know ultimately that I am not my thoughts, nor am I my emotions.

A: Okay, good! See, this is helping already. Never forget to practice mindfulness in everything you do, including introspection.

Q: Absolutely! I feel a lot better now actually. I hadn’t realized I was attaching so much weight to the answers that I’m seeking. Therein lies the ego-self, I can see it for what it was now. I can see that my two selves were asking these questions for different reasons. But the minute I let go of that emotional reaction, the questions and their answers can serve some real clarity in a detached and healthy way, to serve my deeper self. I am not trying to feed or satiate my ego-self any further.

A: There you go, you answered one of the questions yourself: maybe your ego-self was asking because it did want to know if the answer had anything to do with you as a person. But now, you’re seeking these answers outside of that, so it doesn’t matter whether or not it had anything to do with you. Chances are (and I know you know this deep down), it didn’t. So, with the removal of your ego-self: why do you want to know?

Q: Hey! Aren’t you supposed to be answering the questions!? I’m the one who’s asking you!!!

A: You know your answers. I’m here to guide you.

Q: Okay, fair enough. This is turning into some weird kind of inception-level thing, eh? But I digress. Okay. Let’s see. Why do I want to know.

And as simply as I can say this: I want to know because, I want to know how it’s so easy for someone like Adrian (who is so completely similar to Dylan) can so easily see in me and appreciate about me everything I see in myself, tell me so, and be so open about his feelings towards me. What’s the difference?

The pull I felt towards both of them was very similar – it was like a click, a familiarity. Even now, I still feel completely comfortable being around Dylan, as though I’ve always known him. Our perspectives match on so many different things (in the exact same way that Adrian and I matched perfectly), and yes I know they’re two completely different people with different sets of experiences and ways they relate to the world. It’s evident that where Adrian is very, very mature and open and honest, Dylan’s a bit more guarded and probably has some more growing to do.

I guess what I’m asking the universe is, why Adrian and not Dylan? And I’m not asking unhappily AT ALL because Adrian is… incredible, unlike anyone I’ve ever met (minus one other person of course). He makes me laugh, and we’re pretty much the same person. That connection I felt in those six hours we spent together was absolutely unreal, and yet was the most real thing I’ve ever felt. It felt like coming home.

With Dylan, I put myself out there, trusted in myself and the universe and learnt a lot about myself in doing so, about the nature of my fearlessness. I’m not unhappy about this outcome – in fact, I’m ecstatic to be Dylan’s friend because he’s such a good person, easy to talk to and be around and I know he’s reliable and will be there for me if I ever need him.

But why? Why was it meant to be this way? Why didn’t he feel the same way that I did?

The possible answers that come up in regards to these questions are: maybe he felt he had more growing to do. Maybe, despite the fact that I wasn’t quite looking for a relationship with him right away either, he felt that I was and wasn’t ready for one. Maybe he wants to grow outside of his comfort zones the way he told me he does, but on his own, completely. Maybe he just, really didn’t feel anything outside of friendship towards me.

Any of these maybes are totally and one hundred percent okay with me. Again, I’ve accepted the outcome, and I am happy with the way things are now. But I want to know for sure if it’s any of these “maybes” or if it’s something I didn’t think of altogether.

So… it’s not the significance of the answer that matters, or the answer itself even. It’s the certainty that I’m seeking. Because… I don’t like the feeling of not knowing why. AHHHHHHH. *light bulb goes on*

A: *smiles gently* So, now you know. You only want to know why because you simply don’t like not knowing. So now that you know that – do you think you can learn to be okay with not knowing, move forward in your friendship with Dylan and move forward whole-heartedly into whatever could happen with Adrian?

Q: That’s a good question. Hmm… I want to say I could. I think I’d be okay with not knowing, in time. Sometimes in life, there aren’t any answers to the questions you ask, right? And you don’t dwell on that, you simply continue to move forward.

A: That’s true, but in this instance, you could have the answer if you so deeply desired, simply by just asking Dylan why. In the cases you stated above, life creates instances where you’ll never be able to receive those answers due to circumstances that are outside of your control. That’s where the acceptance and letting go comes in, as well as having faith and trusting the process. And deep down, I personally think that all questions get answered in time, with time. But that’s another matter altogether.

Point is, this isn’t a case where you’d never know. You’d only never know if you simply chose not to ask.

Q: Good point. So I guess it’s a matter of, how badly do I need to know? Or better yet: is it a need, or a want?

A: Well, what do you think?

Q: I think… I think it’s more so a want. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that at all, a want is still a want of course.

A: And there’s the answer to everything, do you see it? It’s a want. Which means, while you would like to know, you don’t have to know right away. It means that if that answer is meant to find you, if you truly seek it, you’ll have it when you’re meant to, as you’re meant to. If that’s something you want to manifest for yourself, then you will, conspiring alongside the universe. There’s no rush. The uncertainty does not dictate how you feel or what you think. It does not govern whether or not you can explore this new opportunity with this incredible new person that you’ve met. It’s simply what it is, which is a want. A wish to know. But you know, ultimately, uncertainty is not the enemy. Closure is not what you’re seeking here, nor are you looking to satisfy the ghosts of the insecurities of your old-ego self. You’d simply like to know. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Q: I am mind-boggled. This was great. Thank you.

A: Funny that you thank me, when you should be thanking you, but, I am you, so technically you are thanking you in saying thank you.

Q: …

A: …maybe we should both just thank the universe?

Q: Deal!

Q and A: Thank you Universe.

Well… that was fun! I love having conversations with myself. Time and time again I forget that all the answers I seek are usually within myself, if I just take a moment to sit down and look.

Okay, I’m seriously running out of time – I’ve got to pack up, get ready and find a nice card for mom as well because we’re actually heading out of here today as it turns out. I’m really going to miss this place. It truly became a safe-haven.

That’s all for today!

Love always,

Me.

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