Day 128 – May 8th, 2018

Hi, hi! So I actually managed to find a moment to sit down and write, but I’ve spent the better part of this moment literally just sitting, reminiscing while looking off in no particular direction, and sighing intermittently.

Today was so absolutely perfect, I just… I’m so thankful, so grateful and so happy. My heart is so full.

So yesterday, I ended up finding this super cute dress to wear on this date today and I mentioned it to Adrian, and even from the start he expressed how much he appreciates that I dress up for him, but that dressed up or not dressed up, I’m still the most beautiful girl in the world.

Today though, when he did come by and I came out (not completely ready because he was early), he looked absolutely stunned, like star-struck LOL. (And I’d like the point out the contrast to myself here – my first date with Dylan, I also put a little extra effort into how I looked, right down to buying a dress specifically for the night out. And when I got in the car? Not a word. No comment, no “you look great”, nada. Note to self, no more settling in any way, shape or form from this point onwards!) And all day today, Adrian kept telling me how stunning I looked, and how he felt sorry for everyone else who wasn’t him since he had me on his arm throughout the day and loved showing me off :$

Anyways, back to the morning – I raced back upstairs so I could finish getting ready real quick so Olivia stayed downstairs with him and talked with him for a while, which was really nice. He’s so easy to talk to and get along with (I was eavesdropping on their conversation from upstairs) and I’m so glad that they get along well so far.

Once I finished getting ready, we headed out to High Park to go see the cherry blossoms and it was truly the perfect date. He appreciated the beauty of the blossoms just as much as I did, and we ended up walking through the entire park and looped the whole trail. It was lovely – he’d hold my hand, stop sometimes to pull me close and kiss me, or kiss my forehead. He’s so incredibly sweet and affectionate, it makes my heart melt.

After High Park, I took him to my favourite sushi place and he loved it!!! We ordered so much sushi and I’m actually quite proud of myself for how much I ate, LMAO. I’m not usually too good with AYCE but everything worked out perfectly.

It was the conversation during that really cemented things though. I don’t quite remember how exactly we got into the topic, but I ended up asking him point blank if he felt like he’d had enough time to be on his own in between breaking up with his ex and meeting me.

It turned into quite the honest conversation; he said he wasn’t altogether sure, and that he had thought about it quite often himself in all honesty. But – with me, he was happy. With me, he knew he could be free to be himself and say what he thought. He wasn’t looking to find anyone or be with someone but this just happened, and he couldn’t deny the way I made him feel. And that’s why he was more than happy to just, go with it. Because it felt right.

I in turn assured him that I was in no rush whatsoever – that I loved spending time with him and was perfectly happy with the way things were, in that moment. I didn’t need anything more than just that, which put him at ease.

It was such a good conversation! He loves how open and honest he can be with me, and I love that I can ask him absolutely anything and know I won’t be coming off as invasive or pushy.

I’m honestly not looking for anything more than what we are right now, no labels or definitions, I don’t care for timeframes or “too soon” or anything like that. I’m not looking for any kind of pace, I don’t care for what other people or society may deem as “too fast” or “too slow”, I literally do not care. With Seb, there’s no games. There’s no holding back. I can just be myself, my weird, wacky, super-caring, affectionate, cheesy and also honest straight-forward self. And I’m glad he feels the same towards me.

The date was lovely. I love that he holds my hands across the table when we’re talking, I love that he finds some way to make sure we’re touching no matter what we may be doing.

After that, we headed back to my house to watch a movie and he ended up meeting my mom and dad! It was in a super casual setting though, and I made sure to ask beforehand if he’d be cool with the fact that they’d be home, and he was totally okay with it.

My mom thought he was really handsome and super sweet, LOL. I’m glad she liked him! I haven’t seen my dad lately so  I don’t know what he thought (and truthfully I don’t really care either) but I’m definitely happy Adrian got on well with my mom.

We watched Scarface, which is actually a really good movie! It’s one of his favourites, and it was so cute how during the good parts of the movie, he’d quickly check to see what my reaction was (literally adorable).

And whenever we’d get a moment, he’d kiss me and whisper in my ear how gorgeous I looked (amidst other things, heh). Sigh.

Eventually he had to head out because he had work super early in the morning the next day, so he said goodbye to my mom and then I walked him to his car.

Whenever we see each other, we always text afterwards to express how much we’d enjoyed each other’s company or how it was to see each other, which I absolutely love. We talked about how much fun the date was, and I also mentioned that being around him, I always get butterflies (in the best way). And this time, I also included a tiny apology for possibly catching him off guard with my super honest questions.

And he replied: “I like that I’m nervous around you – because it means something. It means that I inherently place value on not misstepping, because I want to impress you, because you deserve to be. But those nerves are never… malicious? Like it’s nerves but it’s excited energy. It’s a delight in seeing you, a fear I won’t get to show you your true worth, and excitement about the amazingness of your company. I don’t know if I’ve felt quite that way – but I’ve also never been this calm or certain in those moments.

I’ll be honest again – you asking the question was a weight off my mind. It’s something I’ve been thinking about, truthfully. It’s something I’ve struggled a bit with. But I’m also not going to deny myself or force myself to reject my feelings.

When I’m with you I feel fantastic. It’s cliché, but you make me feel like a man? If that makes sense. Not in the stereotypical way, but you allow me to be who I want, while getting things out I didn’t know I had. You give me a chance to be strong, but provide me a space to be weak. I can’t in good conscience reject that because a calendar tells me otherwise. I’m so happy, honoured and relieved that you understand, and you aren’t pushy, demanding, or even offended. It only reaffirms what I already knew you to be – wonderful in every way, beautiful in every aspect.”

First of all, I love how wonderfully articulate he is in the way he expresses himself. Second of all… sigh.

So I know he gets me. And in turn, I get him too. It just works, exactly the way he said it does after the first time we spent that weekend together.

I finally understand what it feels like to not look forward to anything. Have you ever experienced a present moment so exquisite, so precious and beautiful, that you appreciate it for its fullness, completely present as it happens to the point that the past and future no longer matters? Because that’s how I feel. I’m not concerning myself with the future, and the past is only good for occasionally reminiscing over recent memories. But the present… the present is here. It’s now. And it’s more than anything I could have ever asked for.

Anyways, that’s all for today! Tomorrow I’ve got work, and Radha’s finally coming out of her meditative retreat!!!!! I can’t wait, my god have I missed the girl.

Until later!

Love always,

Me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s