Day 130, 131, 132, 133, 134, 135 – May 10th to 15th, 2018

Yikes, that’s a long time to not write! It’s almost been a week since I wrote last, but honestly I simply haven’t been able to find a moment amidst all the hectic that’s been going on lately.

I’ve been working a total of about 80 hours between last week and this week, believe it or not! I’m legit thriving though – because my school is still on strike with no end in sight, I’ve taken on as many hours as I humanly can in order to keep busy and make a little mint along the way. May as well, right? And work’s been both busy and easy breezy what with Mother’s Day passing; I killed it in sales, and I also got to have days where I did absolutely nothing and relax so it was a perfect balance. I’m beginning to wonder where all of this energy is stemming from!

Not to mention, I’ve been taking on more driving lessons and my instructor says I can book test soon, he believes I’m ready!!! Within a month even, and he promised we’d practice up until then. I can’t wait!!! I feel so much more confident about my driving now, more than ever. It’s almost easy, and I feel comfortable and I’m starting to enjoy it so much more. And when I have a car!?!? Ah, imagine the freedom.

I’ve got a lot to catch up on, but I’m just going to touch upon the important parts as to not overwhelm myself with a long-ass log. Most of last week and this week has been a blur of waking up, going to work, coming home to sleep and doing it all again – that’s how long my shifts have been. I’ve honestly been living at Yorkdale, but I’m truly not complaining; in fact, I’m grateful for the hours because I have a plan which I will touch upon later in this log.

Ah but this past weekend… both lovely and crazy in two completely different ways. I’ll start with the good first!

Friday morning before work, I went to hunt down some tulips because Sera’s birthday was on Saturday and I was off so I wanted to grab her a little thoughtful gift in honour of both her birthday and Mother’s Day weekend, and tulips are her favourite flowers. And rather than grabbing a cut bouquet, I wanted to make sure she could plant them so that they would grow over and over as the years passed as well, a recurring gift.

So I went to Walmart and found these beautiful tulips of every colour, but I didn’t know if she had a colour preference. Dylan and I had already been talking previously (about the new Arctic Monkey’s album) so I asked him if she had a preference. Ou speaking of him – I actually ran into him the day before on the Thursday coincidentally! He was visiting Sera at work for a moment and I was talking to her, and he creeped up behind me and scared me, true to form. It was nice to see him for a brief moment, but I didn’t feel anything more than that. In fact I almost completely forgot I’d run into him at all up until now! Moving on is a good feeling.

He didn’t end up responding quickly enough though, so I went with my gut and got these brilliant red-coloured tulips. (Later though, he confirmed she had no colour preference but that I was the “sweetest”). However, beside the tulips were bright yellow sunny daffodils… the same kind of flower that Adrian wanted to get as a tattoo in remembrance of his mom, seeing as she passed away from cancer. I immediately thought to get some for him too – as a gesture, as a way of saying that I was here for him, no matter what he needed. Earlier on in the week, I’d been thinking about the fact that this weekend was Mother’s Day and I was wondering about how it made him feel and what I could do to show my support without coming off as too overbearing. And those flowers… they just, struck me. They were beautiful.

So, I immediately called Radha and asked for her opinion, and she thought it was a lovely idea and spoke of my character, which she knows well. It’s just something she and I would do, so she understood. She told me she’d even asked him if he was okay for that weekend, and he’d told her it was just like any other day for him. But even still, I wanted to do something small for him, and for her. So, I took her advice, went with my gut, and bought some daffodils as well since I was planning on seeing him later that night anyways.

All day I was super nervous, even though deep down I knew I had no reason to be. I was just worried – what if I was overstepping? Loss through death is something I cannot comprehend or fathom to that extent, seeing as I’ve never quite directly experienced it myself. But everyone at work assured me it was a small sweet gesture that he’d appreciate, and this coming from moms who adore me, (some even teared up), made me feel a lot better about it.

Sera loved her tulips by the way!!! Funny enough, Chuck planted a whole bunch of tulip seeds for her sometime last September and they had no idea what colour they’d grow to be, and turns out they were all white! So my red tulips for her (which she also intended to plant) would stand out brilliantly amongst the white, which makes me happy.

Anyways, eventually my shift came to an end and I headed home to have dinner with Olivia and Trevor and his family before I headed out to Adrian. The dinner was so nice; Trevor’s family was amazing!!!! They were so genuine, and warm, and affectionate and comfortable and funny as hell. They were so charming and down to earth that it made it easy for me and my mom to be at ease around them too. We were all roaring from laughter at times (when Trevor said something in Sinhalese that Olivia taught him) or even looking at pictures of their home in Turkey from Trevor’s dad’s phone (such a cool chill dad, legit sat cross-legged comfortably while sitting on our couch). And Trevor’s mom was super sweet and had such an incredible presence (she’s a counsellor). I’m so glad we met them!

After dinner, I packed up quickly and headed out to Richmond Hill, daffodils in hand and my heart on my sleeve (LMFAO WHY AM I LIKE THIS). When he picked me up, I saw him glance at the bag (I had the flowers wrapped up in tulle and in a massive bag so he couldn’t quite see what it was) but he didn’t ask, which was perfect since it was dark in his car and I wanted him to see the full effect once we got to his place.

Once we picked up a pizza and headed back to his house, I settled in and finally gave them to him. I explained that I’d felt bad coming to his house empty handed the first two times (especially since the first time he came over he was bearing my new favourite moscato and my favourite chocolate), but more than that I’d also realized it was Mother’s Day weekend and I wanted him to have these flowers, especially after the conversation we’d had about the significance of daffodils to him on our first real date. They were as much for him as they were for his mom.

I was nervous and rambling, but the way he looked at the flowers, and then looked at me… it was more than words. He pulled me close and kissed me and it said everything I needed to know. He thanked me kindly and expressed how absolutely beautiful the flowers were, which made me really happy.

That night was legit the perfect night in, or at least my idea of a perfect night in – we smoked up, ate the amazing pizza, chilled, talked and vibed. We talked about travel, about life, food, you name it. And later, well… I wore some special lingerie for him under my dress as a surprise and safe to say, he highly enjoyed it. In fact, he made the point of telling me that I looked like I’d walked straight out of his fantasies, LMAO. He was so star struck and mind blown, his reaction was absolutely perfect. It was a good night, heh.

The next day, we stayed in bed until late for once (I usually have to leave early the next morning since we usually both work), but we were both off on that Saturday so we made the most of it. I honestly love falling asleep and waking up next to him, I don’t know what it is about him or whether it’s our insane chemistry but being next to him in that capacity is a comfort I can neither describe or understand. It just feels out of this world right. We fit perfectly together when we’re cuddling; I don’t quite know how or why but it’s almost like puzzle pieces snapping into place – that’s how satisfying it is. I never have the urge to move away, and he stays still right there next to me, holding me the whole while, all through the night.

Once we finally got out of bed, he made French toast for me and it was delicious. Oh and, he made it for me shirtless, so the whole experience was both a treat to my eyes and my taste buds, hehe. His body is incredible, I’ve already asked to go to the gym with him sometime (even though he thinks I don’t need to).

Here’s where it got pretty funny – so even though his dad is never home, turns out he decided to come home that day of all days to get started on his gardening work. Only… I happened to be wearing nothing but Adrian’s t-shirt and my underwear, sitting in the kitchen eating French toast when he came to the house, LMFAO!!!!! Lucky for us though, he only opened the door in the foyer to let Adrian know he was there instead of coming in. We immediately booked it upstairs to throw on some clothes and look more presentable before his dad decided to actually come inside, Adrian apologizing profusely all the while for not knowing his dad would be coming home and also giving me a heart attack, LOL. It was totally okay though! I assured him it was no biggie, and as long as it was okay with him then it was okay with me.

We eventually headed down to the basement to get some Netflix in while his dad and his dad’s girlfriend worked in the garden, and they both came down here and there and saw me and briefly interacted with us. They seemed nice! Adrian apologized for not formally introducing me but again, that was totally okay with me and I’m in no rush whatsoever in regards to that. So we cuddled and watched Netflix for a while until they left.

Originally I was supposed to go to a house-warming thing with Rose, but she ended up having to work on an essay and I didn’t want to go without her. So Adrian said I was more than welcome to stay another night, which I was totally happy to do. We smoked some more, ordered in some Thai food, and watched Netflix in bed while we ate. It was exactly the perfect kind of relaxing weekend I needed, away from everyone and everything, to just chill and unwind.

Sometime well into the night, he eventually fell asleep on me halfway through an episode (literally so cute) and I drifted off soon thereafter (we really needed to catch up on all the sleep we didn’t get the entire night AND morning before, ahem).

The next morning, we did our whole usual morning routine of me packing up my stuff and getting ready to leave while he preps downstairs, we grabbed coffee from Tims, and he dropped me off at the terminal so I could make it back home in time to get ready for work.

I keep going back and forth between being terrified of how much I like him (and how quickly too), and being calm and floaty when I think about how happy he makes me and how much I genuinely enjoy being around him.

Neither of us were looking for this – I was perfectly happy being on my own and he had just gotten out of a serious relationship, you know? I know things happen when you least expect them but… well, I guess there really isn’t a “but”. Both of us are just happy with the way things are right now, and that’s about it. Neither of us are planning on denying how we feel or running from it so… no but’s, or what if’s, or maybes. Just, taking it one day at a time and seeing where it can go, no pressure. We’re completely transparent with one another, expressive and communicative, and it makes everything so much easier for it.

Anyways, that’s the good part of my weekend. Now, onto the… chaos.

So while I was away on the weekend and Olivia was working, we’d initially had plans to go to dinner with my mom on Sunday for Mother’s Day. And throughout Sunday, we kept calling and texting my mom while we were all at work in order to coordinate with her, but neither of us got any response.

We were all supposed to finish at six, and eventually Olivia and I reached home around the same time and discussed how odd it was that our mom wasn’t responding to either of us. But little by little, we put some pieces together regarding the night before: that Saturday night, my parents went out to some musical show with a bunch of other family friends, and then after they went to one of the family’s houses just to get together for a bit. And it seemed like my dad got very, very drunk (he was in bed late into Sunday morning which is odd for him seeing as he’s usually up before all of us) and my mom had to drive them home.

We figured this out because she’d taken the car keys from my dad that Sunday so he wouldn’t be able to drive anywhere, and I’d called him earlier in the day and he told me that she hadn’t been answering any of his calls or texts, which made sense what with his actions from the night before. What didn’t make sense was why she wasn’t answering Olivia or me.

Anyways, time passed and Olivia and I sat waiting for our mom to come home, but still no word and she didn’t show, well past the time she should have been home. Olivia being Olivia, she texted my mom and asked her if she should call the police (LMAO, oh my little sister). Finally, she responded back (all she said was “no” though). And then Olivia asked if she was safe, and she said yes.

I knew Olivia was getting a little overwhelmed with the energy at home (amidst everything else that she’s currently dealing with) so I told her that if mom didn’t come home by a certain time, that I’d take her out to dinner instead anyways.

Right when we were about to leave though, my mom finally came in.

And as it turns out, she was in the midst of a very serious depressive episode, triggered by my dad of course. But man, it was bad. During these episodes, everything hits her at once and that “everything” usually also entails the fact that Olivia and I haven’t graduated yet. She was defensive, angry, defeated, and ready to fight everyone. Including me and Olivia. So, I practised my newfound knowledge about offering my mom compassion instead of taking everything she was saying personally – rather than reacting defensively back at her, I gave her her Mother’s Day gift (bath bombs, orchids and a card), told her to take some time to herself, take a bath, relax and unwind and have some her-time. She refused to go out and go to dinner with Olivia and I (not because she didn’t want to but because she wasn’t up for it), so I knew it was just best if we gave her some space for the time being. I gave her a hug and told her everything would be okay.

Right before we left, I heard my dad lock himself in his room to break down sobbing. So I knew it’d be best to take Olivia out of the house as soon as possible, because all of us needed a breather from the energy in our house.

We walked to the restaurant so that we could talk and enjoy the weather, which was really nice. It’d been a while since she and I had a moment to really sit down, talk, connect and catch up, so I’m glad we still went for dinner even if it was just her and I.

I talked her through everything that’d been happening, along with whatever else she’s been dealing with lately, and also taught her some ways she could protect her own energy as well.

Eventually we headed back home and everyone else was already asleep. The next day, my mom was a little bit better and was able to tell us what had happened. So apparently, he had gotten very, very drunk despite the fact that all of his family and our family friends were there. And she had to drive home, only… on the way home on the highway, when she was on the ramp, she lost control of the car for a moment and veered off and nearly hit the guardrail. If she’d hit it at the speed she was going at, she said she definitely would have died. But at the last second, she was able to regain control of the car before anything worse could happen, thankfully.

Anyways, this series of events triggered a serious bout of overwhelming sadness in her and that’s why she was the way she was on Sunday.

And Olivia was further overwhelmed yesterday because my mom told her that Olivia and I need to know the details of both her and my dad’s life insurance policy in case anything happened to either of them… apparently, my dad looks exactly the way his brother did when he passed away from alcohol poisoning at 55, the same age my dad is now. I guess I hadn’t quite realized since I don’t see my dad as much lately, but all of his family from his village were appalled when they saw him this past weekend. He’s lost a ton of weight to the point his collarbones are sticking out, his knees are constantly in pain, and he pretty much looks emaciated at this point. But even then, he won’t stop drinking.

Anyways, my mom and even our family friends are at a point where they’re starting to think it’s only a matter of time before my dad’s no longer with us, and that’s the sad truth of the matter. Sad that there are people out there who are fighting to see another day, battling cancer, and then there’s people like my dad, who simply don’t care enough about themselves or anyone else to do differently. It’s downright tragic.

I’m making sure I’m doing my best to be there for my mom and my sister in whatever way they may need. Olivia asked me how I’m doing this morning, and I answered honestly. But I think I’d like to ask myself here as well.

Well, first off, I definitely just feel sorry for my dad. I don’t hate him, I don’t resent him, I’m almost at a point of borderline indifference sometimes, which is definitely sad. But for sure, I pity him. He makes his choices, absolutely. But he didn’t choose this. He didn’t choose to be sick. Hearing his sobs the other day, it broke my heart a little for sure. I know he feels sorry too, and guilty for what he’s put all of us through.

But here’s the thing – I don’t, I can’t… I can’t feel anything about it. Because, there’s no point. Because, it is what it is, you know? Like I do feel, don’t get me wrong – I feel pity for my dad, empathy for my mom and sister. But I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m not attached to any of it anymore. A short while ago, Nadia helped me to see that for the longest time, I had this idea that the well-being of my family was inherent and necessary for my own well-being. But therein lied a hidden mutually assured destruction – if my family wasn’t okay, then I wouldn’t be either, and then I would take it upon myself to do everything I could in my power to make things okay again. It’s been that way since I was a child. Those are the neural pathways I formed in response to the crises I had to deal with when it came to my parents.

But that response usually entailed me setting myself on fire in order to keep my parents warm, basically – I sacrificed my childhood, my mental health and well-being, all to do my best to keep my parents together or to heal them or stop them from fighting. As a child, I felt like I had no choice but to do so.

It’s different now though. I can see that. I can’t salvage my parents relationship, nor do I want to any longer. I can do my best to be there for my mom and my sister, but I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, like my dad.

I know my mom’s going to be okay because she’s so strong. But my dad… I don’t know. I don’t know how much longer he’s got left if he continues down this path. I’m not sure how that makes me feel. I guess all I can say is that I’m glad I’ve made my peace with him this year and said everything I needed to say.

It really does seem like he’s dying. I know my mom feels guilty about that, she even told Olivia that if he dies, she’s going to feel like it’s her fault. But it’s not her fault, it’s not anyone’s fault. This is just the way the universe works. We all go when we’re meant to go.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I’m not… worried. I’m just, at peace. I feel like I’m in between those parallels that Sanjeev taught me about last summer, in between the right amount of attachment and detachment. Flowing steadily down the center of the river with just the right amount of energy and effort.

Whatever is meant to be, will be, in literally every sense and aspect of this lifetime. I am actively choosing not to suffer in order to be whatever I can be for myself and for the people closest to me. I don’t see the point in it when I’ve already come to terms with the nature of my reality. In this sense, I have an abundance of energy to expend towards being there for my sister, for my mom, and still making time for myself and my other priorities. I’ve carefully cultivated which aspects, people, situations or circumstances I can expend this energy towards, no more and no less. I don’t have the time for anything else with everything going on right now because I’m not willing to sacrifice my current well-being for it. It’s a delicate balance, but so far it’s working. I’m not exhausted, overwhelmed or feeling low, and I am thankful.

Welp, this turned out to be a lot longer than I thought it would be! Much needed though, I do love talking to myself.

Anyways, I’ve got yet another ten hour shift tomorrow which means I should probably be turning in and getting some shut-eye now. And the day after that, I have a really early driving lesson, but then I finally get to have my one day off this week, which I’m looking forward to. I think Olivia wants to go out dancing and I’m all for it, but we’ll see.

Until I write next! Forever grateful to the universe for every single part of my existence, good and bad. Even the bad doesn’t seem so bad though – after all, your perception shapes your reality right?

Love, love, love,

Me.

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