Day 154 – June 3rd, 2018

It feels nice to not have to count how many days I’ve missed or look up what day of the year it is LOL! I’m glad I’m sticking with writing every day, even if it is on my phone.

Yet another day is winding down, and I am here lying in bed, adrift in thought.

How have I been? Where am I, on my journey? When is the last time I’ve written about me?

I mean, I no longer try to serve my ego-self and I’m still trying to discern what that entails. But I guess there’s no harm in a little reflection and introspection.

I’ve been… better than good, I’ve been amazing! Funny enough, with school involuntarily taken off my plate, I’ve had plenty of time to focus on my friendships, a budding relationship, my family, my work, and me, intermittently.

I’ve been advising the people in my life so much lately that I’ve started to wonder where this unshakeable sense of faith is stemming from. But honestly, it’s because I’ve been so blessed and so grateful to witness the universe in action. I’ve experienced the synchronicities, I’ve seen the signs and omens, I am currently living in this state of “perfect timing” where everything just works out exactly as it’s meant to, “inexplicably”. It’s wondrous and beautiful and awe-inspiring. How can I not believe in what I believe, when I’ve seen as much as I have? When I’ve come as far as I have?

I only wish the same for those around me and those closest to me. But, I trust everyone’s process and deeply as I’ve learnt to trust in my own. The people in my life will find their peace as they’re meant to, when they are meant to. And I will help or guide or assist as much as I myself am meant to, no more or less.

I feel like this month will allow me to shift my energies back towards myself, or at least towards my spiritual self. I’ve recently discovered a gem of a bookstore that carries all the books I’ve read this past year and a half, and so much more – books on spirituality and mindfulness, books on psychology of every kind and self-help, self-care, you name it. I do believe it’s a sign that it’s time to get back to furthering my quest inwards, whatever that may entail.

So I’m getting back to meditation this month, making sure I’m envisioning my brilliant shield of golden energy around me when I feel I need protecting, and I’m getting back into my reading. I’m practicing mindful reactions, questioning the nature of my emotions and thoughts without attaching weight to them, and watching my “self” and my interactions, without judgement. I am trying to make sure I am present in every one of the moments I encounter, and strive to leave my train of thought whenever it hooks me back on.

There’s so much more to learn!!! I still have such ways to go, and I’m so excited for it all. I love that I’m only human. I love that there are going to be days where it feels like it’s all falling apart. I love that everything I’m learning and have learnt will be put to the test in some way, because that’s exactly what this life entails. I look forward to it all. There is no “good” or “bad”. There is only life, and what it is, in its simplicity.

All in all, life is beautiful, for exactly what it is in this current moment.

Even for the fears!! For example, my relationship with Adrian. He makes me happy. Like… this big, warm, peaceful, content kind of happiness that I can feel right down to the tips of my fingers and toes. And it’s scary. It’s scary because I’ve spent this past year and a half of my life being completely and utterly happy just being on my own.

When you’re happy on your own, it’s a happiness that relies on no one but yourself. But when someone else makes you happy, that cause for happiness can dissipate or leave (as it goes in life). I’m not saying I won’t be happy without him, I’m no longer in that place in my life anymore. But you know, it’s sad when people leave, or when things change. I guess the fear is stemming from uncertainty. HOWEVER. I’m learning to embrace uncertainty, in order to displace the fear. And it’s getting better! I’m not as scared as I would have been, you know? I trust this and I trust in this process so much more than I ever thought I could have.

Anyways, while I’m here let me catch up on these past couple days.

So Friday night, I went over to Adrian’s after he finished work and it was the perfect evening. We tried some of my new weed, and then spent the night in his bed just talking (and other things, heh). But the talking was some of the best parts. We played a lot of would you rather, like “would you rather travel to the past or to the future” and the explained our reasonings behind our choices.

And ah man, how he makes me laugh. He was saying that I’m as beautiful as a Renaissance painting, and I was wearing his Cookie Monster pyjama pants so I joked that I wondered how the Cookie Monster would look in an actual renaissance painting. And he joked that back then, it probably would have been called “The Biscuit Gremlin”. And legit, I laughed for like 10 minutes, like I fell over laughing. I LOVE THAT HIS HUMOUR IS EXACTLY LIKE MINE. We’re so lame.

Anyways, the next morning we got to sleep in, so we spent the morning in bed, alternating between super affectionate cuddles, talking, and falling asleep. I can’t even begin to explain how happy it makes me that he enjoys pulling me towards him as close as possible and holding me that way for however long. And god, that smile he gets on his face. I asked him what it’s for, and he simply replied that he was happy. That I make him happy.

He says I get this look on my face that looks like I’m on “all the drugs” LMAO. But it makes total sense because with him, it DOES feel like I’m on all the drugs, in the best ways possible.

Later on, it turned out that his friends were heading towards Yorkdale and asked him to come hang out there. So it worked out perfectly for us – we grabbed some pho for lunch at one of his favourite spots, and then he drove me over to work so that he could go meet up with his friends in the mall.

We walked through my workplace, so he inevitably ended up meeting a couple people as we walked through quickly. But he did come back later to visit, and met everyone properly. He met Maria first, which made me super happy since she’s legit my work mama. And then he met Marilyn, and I even introduced him to Luna because she was watching us expectantly and I felt kinda bad to just pass her by.

He met Sharon properly this time, and they spoke French fluently (I won’t even start on what hearing him speak French did to my poor little heart, LOL). All in all, it was lovely. I admit I was a little bit nervous at first because I was afraid my coworkers would ask awkward questions about if he was my boyfriend or not. But, it went perfectly; everyone was so polite and friendly, and he was his charming and easy-going self as per usual.

I like this stage right now. We haven’t had the whole “I’m exclusively dating you and only you” talk or the whole “what are we” discussion but I don’t want it, is that weird? I’m like, perfectly happy with just this right now. Because, he makes it clear how he feels for me without that further clarification – when we’re walking through the mall, he makes a point of holding my hand or kissing my forehead, no holds barred. He even made sure it was okay for him to kiss me at work, even if it was just a tender peck on the lips. He’s comfortable with me, with what the idea of “us” entails right now, and in turn I am equally as comfortable.

Whatever is meant for us will come as it does, no matter what it entails. Right now, my main priority is being present, effortlessly present, in every moment I am given to spend with him. I want to bask in the way his hands feel on my skin. I want to appreciate the way he smiles at me, to witness it unfurl on his face when he’s gazing at me in the way that he does. I’m so grateful for every single bit of this journey thus far, and I want him to know it. No matter what the outcome is, I want to know I can look back on these moments in my life and know that I experienced this kind of effervescent happiness that I only ever dreamed was possible.

I’m so happy I’ve met him. In these two quick months he’s already come to mean so much to me. For every smile, every laugh, every introspective discussion or light-hearted conversation, for every single genuine compliment he’s paid me, for all the ways he’s made me feel like a goddess on earth.

So, thank you Universe. Thank you for bringing this amazing, kind-hearted, genuine, passionate, bright, intelligent, positive, sexy as hell, funny, cheesy, affectionate and all-around great person into my life. I can’t wait to see what else you have in store for us, whatever that may entail.

Anyways, that’s about it for today! This week, I’ve got four consecutive days off in a row (YAY!) and I intend to make the most of it. Me-time, friend-time, family-time, boy-time, you name it. I want to make the most of this summer, especially since I’ve been given a beautiful opportunity to do so without the thought of school looming over my head. I’ll be writing that summer bucket list soon, but in the meantime – here’s to what’s looking to be a beautiful, transformative and absolutely incredible summer.

Love always,

Me.

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