Day 158 – June 7th, 2018

Hi, hi!

Thus concludes my series of days’ off from work, alas. Tomorrow, I return back to the department. Of course, I love work and I love seeing my coworkers so I’m not complaining per se, but man these days off have been so, so nice.

I’ll write about last night, and then I’ll talk about today!

So, last night – if I had to come up with my idea of an absolutely perfect date night, right down to the smallest of details, it would have been last night. It was so me, everything I love, and more than I could have imagined.

We basically road-tripped out to where the drive-in movie theatre was because it was ways off, but we listened to the Kaleo album and it was the perfect touch. And if our conversation during was merely a preview of what our future road-trip conversations would be like? Then, boy am I ever happy. We even got to the point where we were trying to figure out what I would name my a male or female giraffe if I were to ever have one as a pet in some imaginary world where something like that would be possible, LMAO. Sigh.

Once we got to the drive-in, both of us were so, so excited. Neither of us have ever done anything like that before, so it was both our first times.

He’d packed a warm and cozy blanket, and once we found the perfect spot, he reverse-parked so that we could get nice and cuddly in his super spacious trunk space. We’d even stopped earlier to pick up a ton of snacks too, so he set up the back with the blanket, the snacks, and of course, a little weed (legit, perfect date night for me).

It was amazing – we watched Deadpool 2, all warm and cuddled up together under the blanket, smoked a little bit and munched on the yummy snacks as night fell and the stars came out. It legit felt like were in the Grease movie scene with the drive-in movie theatre.

There was a double feature though, so during intermission we drove to the closest McDonald’s to get some more munchie foods. And funny enough, he orders the EXACT SAME WAY that I order whenever I go to McDonald’s – I can never choose between a McDouble or a Junior Chicken, so I always get both to satiate the craving for either. And he orders the exact same goddamn things, LMAO. When we both realized that, we both kind of just stared at each other and laughed, because what else can we do at this point?!

We’re still taking the words out of each other’s mouths before the other speaks, still basically reading each other’s minds, and at every instance it happens, it’s still mind-boggling at how in sync we are and how much we have in common.

And there’s these moments I love, most of all – moments where time stops, briefly, where he’s just gazing at me with that gorgeous smile of his, and I can’t help but smile back and look away.

Throughout the whole night, he kept telling me how happy he was to be there with me, happy that we did this together, happy that he got to see me. You know how nice it is to have that for once? Someone who’s happy to tell you how happy they are to be in your presence? I’ve felt more valued and cared for in two months of seeing this person than I did in the past six years of relationships I’ve been in with two different people.

After the reading from the day before, I’m so much less afraid of this. I’m just… certain. I know how I feel. And with that, now all I have to do is wait. I’ve had a year and a half to come to terms with where I am, to love myself and to be on my own. He hasn’t had that same luxury or time, but the universe brought me into his life anyways. So, however long it takes for him to come to terms with this and with me, I’ll be right here waiting for him. And, it doesn’t even feel like waiting because he respects me, adores me, lavishes me with affection and kisses and communication, and makes a real effort to spend time with me. That’s all I need. I’m happy. Effortlessly and effervescently happy.

One thing I should mention that occurred during the date though! So earlier on in the week, Radha invited me to a surprise party that she and her coworkers were having for Simone, one of Radha’s close friends that I’d met a week or two ago when we spontaneously went on a road trip. And I was so down to go, especially since I genuinely enjoyed meeting Simone, and also because I was looking forward to meeting the rest of Radha’s coworkers as well. Not to mention, it looked like Adrian would be there too, and any opportunity to see him I’ll definitely take, of course.

When I brought it up last night that I was thinking of going, he seemed pretty cool with it at first. But then a couple hours later, he suddenly got really, really nervous and told me he had to talk to me about something. And he legit seemed like he was preparing himself for a bomb explosion, his stance suddenly became really guarded. He mentioned how it wasn’t just his coworkers who were going to be there, but friends as well, friends who also knew his ex-girlfriend. Which meant that if I went, he and I would have to be strictly friendly around each other; “professional” was the word he used.

At this point, I would like to point out to myself how far I’ve truly come from the person I used to be versus the person I am now, in the way that I reacted to this: I immediately calmed him down, told him not to worry, and said it was totally okay if that was the case. I wasn’t even the slightest bit offended, nor did I take it personally in any way, shape or form. In fact, I was actually kind of touched by how much he hated to tell me that; I could tell it wasn’t easy for him to ask that of me. And more than anything, I appreciated his transparency with me because it was clearly very, very difficult for him to get that out.

I didn’t even need to ask why. I get it – we’re not official, and it’s still really, really early. I’m sure he doesn’t want to be answering questions about time-frames (since he literally just got out of that relationship), and the people who are attending this party are all people in his life. Radha invited me on her terms, but technically, this is his turf, this is his part of his life. Friends and coworkers alike.

He looked relieved by my reaction, but explained that he’d have to warn his closest friends who do know about us to not be obvious or say anything about it.

So I did some reflecting on it today. I realized that in order to go home with him later if I were to crash, it’d take some serious lowkey manoeuvering in order to leave with him without provoking any questions. Not to mention, I’d have to make sure to stay with Radha, and if she happened to leave early, who would I end up gravitating towards?

I realized that I didn’t want to put him in that position. Not only that, but I didn’t want to put me in that position either. I’m not saying I would have been uncomfortable myself because I’m a naturally easy-going person and I get along with most people, regardless of where I am or who I’m with. But… I want to meet those people in his life, on his terms, when he’s ready.

I realized the difference today – in my case, I was more than happy to have him meet pretty much everyone in my department. It got to the point where he’d be about to leave and someone would walk in and I’d be like, “wait, wait, one more person I swear!!!!” I was so elated to have him there. But in my case, I’ve had a year and a half of time to introduce someone new into every aspect of my life. It’s not the same for him.

Like I told him about a month ago when we went on our High Park date – I’m in no rush, I’m really not. I’m more than happy with the way that things are unfolding and progressing in these moments, at this pace.

I care about him so much, and the last thing I would want is for him to feel the slightest bit uncomfortable at a party with his own friends and coworkers, you know? It’s not worth it and I can meet them some other time, when he’s good and ready for it.

So I let him know today. I’m still waiting on a reply because I just sent him that text and it’s hella late at night. I’m hoping he’ll see where I’m coming from, but we’ll see! Regardless of how in sync we are, it’s definitely not going to be all roses and daisies, especially as we try to navigate and figure out what we mean to each other and how we feel about each other as these days go on. I’m looking forward to every little bit of it though, no matter what it may entail.

I’m so incredibly proud of myself. Old me would have immediately been hurt, immediately defensive. New me? Calm. Non-reactive. Understanding. I’m so, so happy, and so proud of how far I’ve come and who I am today. I don’t think I’ve ever loved myself more than I do now and I know it’s only going to get deeper as time goes on.

I’m curious about him now though. Why was he acting like he was bracing himself for me to lose all of my shit, or snap, or react any differently than how I actually did? Hmm. I wonder if that stemmed from his past relationship with his ex. In the two months we’ve been seeing each other, I’ve never seen him get that uncomfortable before! It was interesting.

Maybe I’ll ask him next time I see him. It’s so cool to learn about a new person, their habits or how they enter new situations with old mind frames.

Anyways, that’s the gist of yesterday! Onto today.

Today was a heck of a lot of fun, as it normally is when Avery and I hang out. We did an errands day – he came all the way from Brampton to pick me up and we went shopping at IKEA so he could get some stuff he needs for his bedroom. And I myself ended up picking out a few neat pieces for my house! I legit love IKEA, it’s so much fun – I did the whole “paper and pencil” thing where you note what you need and where you can find it, to complete the whole experience of course.

After IKEA, we went back to his house in order to drop off all the stuff and today ended up being the first time in our near-seven years of friendship that I’ve actually ever gone in his house before, LMAO. It was really nice! The renovations are coming along nicely, and I was looking forward to helping.

But before we got to that, we took Kyro for a walk and ooooooomg, I can’t even begin to explain how happy it made me to walk him with his leash and run around with him. I WANT. A DOG. MORE. THAN ANYTHING. IN THIS LIFE. AHHHHHHHH.

After the awesome walk, we decided to go get food and went to an AYCE sushi place close to his house. And as we stuffed our faces, we ended up in some great conversation as per usual. One thing I love about Avery – it legit doesn’t matter how long we go without seeing each other, or how long we go without talking even, but when we hang out or when we do end up messaging, it’s always the same. The vibe never changes. It’s always effortless and easy. And we always end up having really good in-depth conversations, never just small-talk. We give room for each other to talk about what’s going on in our lives, openly and earnestly. And then the topics get bigger and bigger and more thought-provoking. After all these years, it’s safe to say that our friendship will always be strong. He’s one friend I know for sure I don’t have to fight to keep in my life because after everything we’ve been through and how easy it still is after all this time, he’s not going anywhere and neither am I.

After we were stuffed to the point of no return, he drove me all the way back home and promised to let me know if I could assist in further reno-plans, which I would absolutely love to help with.

All in all, it’s been a great day and an amazing week! It’s funny how the weekend to me means back to work, and for the rest of the world the weekend is the weekend, LOL. To me, Friday is the equivalent of Monday. But it’ll be nice to see everyone again, so no complaints from me! Plus, it’s looking to be a great weekend either way – tomorrow I’m meeting up with Leila and Shada for dinner, Saturday night after work the cousins are meeting me and Olivia in downtown for a night of shenanigans, and Sunday I’m off again! I can’t believe how much of a social butterfly I’ve been in the past two weeks but honestly, I’ve been enjoying it so much. In these two weeks I’ve managed to spend time with almost everyone I care about in some form or shape, literally day after day! And it just shows me how lucky I am to have the people I do, in my life. I’m truly blessed.

Well, that’s all for today! I’m so glad I’ve been writing every day, even if it is just a couple sentences sometimes LOL. Better than nothing!

Here’s to what’s shaping out to be an amazing month thus far!

Love always,


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