Day 185 – July 4th, 2018

Hello! Today was a good day – I finally returned to work after a week of being off and it was actually so nice to go back! Even though it was dead, the shift actually flew by quite quickly and pleasantly. I ran the errands I had to run right after, and now here I am with a plastic bag tied around my head because I’m attempting to dye my hair pink, LMAO. I bought the dye on a whim today but honestly, it’s so light that I’m not sure it’s going to take to my blonde very well. Even if it slightly tints it, I’ll be happy! But we’ll see.

Anyways, back to the task at hand on catching up what I’ve missed. So, this past weekend was CRAZY, but absolutely and completely amazing and probably one of the best weekends I’ll have had this summer.

Friday night, Radha came over to chill and slept over as well, because the next day she came with me and my family to our annual road-trip to Midland church which is somewhere up north close to Wasaga, -ish. That Saturday was so fun –we even went to a lake that we used to go to when we were little, back when the Midland road-trip was a regular thing.

Saturday night once we got back, Adrian and I had a chance to hang out and once again, he took me for yet another incredible date night – he drove us to this quaint little place in New Market with almost a village-y feel, very rustic. We went to this incredible Mexican restaurant that’s been featured on the Food Network, and oh… my… god. The food. It was SO GOOD.

After dinner, he took us to this artisan ice cream place for dessert where we each got a gourmet ice cream cone, and then we sat in the trunk of his jeep in the parking lot and ate them together. There were moments where it got a little messy and the ice cream would end up on my chin but he’d kiss it away and I know it was so cheesy but it’s also so romantic and ahhh my heart is so ridiculously happy that it might just combust into teensy little confetti-sized pieces of joy.

I finally got a chance to tell him that our drive-in move date was the best date I’ve ever been taken on and he was so happy, it was so incredibly endearing. But I truly meant it. Actually, all of these dates are pretty much the best dates I’ve ever had. Not just because of what we’re doing or where we are or what the date entails – but because of him. Because of the way he looks at me, because of the way he tells me how beautiful I am, each and every single time we’re together. Because of the way he takes every opportunity he can to kiss me, regardless of whether it’s at a red light or in the midst of other people.

We were talking about our plans for the summer and all the things we want to do and he’s even mentioned that he’s got one or two places up his sleeve that he wants to surprise me with and I just… this is more than I ever thought possible for me, you know? Which is funny, because this is exactly the quality of happiness that I deserve. All I mean really is that I’m just so truly grateful, and I’m so happy. I’m so thankful. To him, to how incredible he is, to the universe for bringing him into my life, and just to life itself, I’m thankful.

And, I’m glad I didn’t settle for just comfort. I’m glad that I strived for this level of happy, because all of this has made me realize just how possible it is, just how real magic can be if you truly believe in it and settle for nothing less.

Anyways, I got back late Saturday night, slept for about two hours, and then all the families left around 3 or 4 in the morning to trek out to Tobermory in the northern part of the Bruce Peninsula!!! Honestly, this may have been one of the best days of my life actually – we scaled down the side of a rocky cliff to get into this little cave where the water was lit up a magical turquoise-blue colour that I’ve only ever seen in the Caribbean. Who would have thought we had magical places like that here!? I guess it just goes to show that you don’t have to go far to find what you’re looking for!

We climbed along the rocks up onto a ledge in order to jump into the beautiful pool of blue waters and HOLY SHIT was it ever freezing but MAN was it ever worth it!!! It was such an adrenaline rush. Not to mention, on the other side of the cave, there were massive cliffs that people were climbing up onto in order to jump into the waters below. And you bet I was jumping right off those cliffs too. It was super scary at first and I was terrified to jump but just like everything else in my life, there’s no way to truly live life without leaving your comfort zones, eh? So I jumped, and each time I did was more incredible than the last and that’s how I want to live my life.

After Tobermory, we trekked over to Sauble beach and spent the rest of the day there just soaking up the sun and playing in the water altogether until the sun set. Once night fell, we all cozied together on the sand to watch a magnificent firework display right on the beach.

It was such a perfect day. And then the next day, Radha came over again to come with me and my family and Trevor to Wasaga beach, where we spent the day also alternating between swimming and reading on the beach.

All in all, it was an incredible summer weekend.

But I’ve got to admit, by the end of it, every single cell in my entire body was screaming out for at least one moment of alone time, LMAO.

I spent so much time last summer just spending time with myself, taking myself out to movies, and dinner, and having quiet moments to myself. Hell, I went to another country this year on my own and spent nights by myself in my hostel room, perfectly happy with my own company, with the quiet and the stillness. This summer has been the complete opposite; it feels like every single moment of my free time has been divvied up between every single person I know and I haven’t had a moment to myself in eons. On the one side, I love how much fun I’ve been having with everyone. But on the other side, after all this non-stop motion and action, I needed a moment to just breathe and rest by myself in complete silence.

So, that’s what I did yesterday – thankfully, I didn’t have to return back to work right away so I spent the whole day yesterday just catching up on sleep, reading, and of course, writing, and I feel a lot better now; much more rejuvenated and back to my regular energy.

I’m ready for this upcoming weekend – all the cousins and Olivia and I will be heading up to a cottage, and for the first time ever we’ll be spending a weekend away from our parents!!! We’re all so excited, and this trip is going to pave the way for future trips that we’ll take on our own.

Anyways, I am finally all caught up on everything I’ve missed. So, how it going currently?

Well, I’ve had some realizations lately about my thoughts on spirituality and detachment that I want to talk about, but before I get to that I want to talk about what occurred tonight – Leila and I just had a really good and constructive conversation about the state of our friendship and things that recently went down between us.

We were honest and straightforward, and it was healthy and wholesome. After the Thursday night, I wasn’t quite sure what had happened because it had seemed like Leila had just removed herself from the conversation or shut down and I had no idea why, but it turns out she had gotten one of her awful migraines and didn’t want to take away from the events at hand.

We clarified all of our doubts and voiced our concerns just now, and I’m honestly so glad we did. I kind of knew that a conversation needed to be had, but honestly this whole thing made me realize I really do have such an aversion to things that aren’t particularly “easy” or “go-with-the-flow” and that’s why I wasn’t really sure how to proceed. But this conversation went so well, and it made me realize that life isn’t always going to be “easy” and there will be things in my life that I have to fight for, and I’m willing to do just that.

I’m so glad I went with my gut. I let my intuition guide me throughout that entire conversation, and instead of letting pride get in the way or fear build a wall, I chose to stay vulnerable, to stay compassionate. Because that’s who I want to be. That’s who I am. And that’s what I want to remember, moving forward. Compassion is key. Love should be the root of everything I do, say, or think. I can’t lose sight of this.

Which leads me to my recent revelations. So I just started a book called “The Presence Process”, which is basically Eckhart Tolle’s “Power of Now” applied to a science, an actual process. And at first, it was really hitting home – it pointed out to me how much “thinking” is a disease, and is addictive. ALL WE EVER DO IS THINK! Like actually; in every single task we do, our minds are constantly working behind that, constantly fixated on some past event or memory or thinking about some future task that’s meant to be completed.

We are NEVER in our present moment, never present, never completely. As I kept reading this book, the more I wanted to whole-heartedly succumb to this process of being in the present and detaching myself from both my past and my future by focusing solely on the Now.

And then I started getting anxious. Because I started thinking. I started fixating on how exactly to be “in the now”, if I was doing it right, and how come it wasn’t working for me. Not to mention, I started believing that the only way to find peace was to detach myself from everything, including my relationships and the emotions they entailed.

I don’t quite know which moment it was, but all of a sudden I realized it felt like I was going numb. I think it was some time yesterday.

I was watching an episode of “This Is Us”, when all of a sudden a huge wave of overwhelming emotion just swept over me and I just… let it be. I let it happen.

We spend so much time labelling and categorizing our experiences and emotions in order to believe that we have some kind of control over what happens to us. We say, “this is bad” or “this is good” or “I am feeling bad” or “I am feeling happy”, but all of these thoughts take away from the actual experience at hand. We never really just let things be for what they are and sit with these emotions, do we? We constantly have to know what we’re feeling and how we’re feeling and what we’re thinking and how we can both internalize and deal with it. We have to constantly be in control.

I don’t want to take an extremist approach to my journey into spirituality. I don’t want to be “ascetic” in the way I relate to others, or to myself. I don’t want to completely detach myself from everything and everyone on my quest for peace.

You know what’s going to bring me peace? You know what I finally realized will make me content in the most simplest of ways?

Love.

Like… real love. Love without limits, without attachment, without fears, without conditions. Love from within, love everywhere, love at all times. Love is the basis of compassion, the root of happiness, the reason for peace.

I want to embody love. I want to feel it towards everything, towards every person, towards every tiny blade of grass and every single ray of sun that touches my skin.

Buddhism teaches us that it’s the middle way that brings about peace and stillness. Well, my middle way is love. Love for life, love for it all, love for the “good” and the “bad”, love for the “pain” and the “joy” – all these experiences we have labelled, I want them all. I want to let them be what they are, exactly as they are, exactly as they happen. The “confusion” and “uncertainty”, all of it. I want to live so deeply and so passionately and so vibrantly that love shines through in every single thing that I do or say.

Because at the end of the day, at the end of my path, if I can say that I did all things with love, with the best of intentions and the kindest my heart could muster, then I can go (and be) in peace.

So, I accept I know nothing. I am learning as I go, growing as I do, as humbly as I can. I am nowhere that anyone isn’t, if that makes sense – I am right here, right along with everyone else, learning as everyone else does.

I kept wondering, time and time again, how one goes about being compassionate on a constant basis. How does one go about empathizing with everyone and everything all the time without succumbing to the energies of others? Love is the answer. Love is this infinite, immeasurable source from which all things can be drawn from endlessly. So, if I do all things from a source of love, my compassion will be endless and my energy will be boundless.

How can I embody this? By taking the time to understand people rather than judging them for what is seen. By setting aside my pride and letting myself be vulnerable, because vulnerability takes more strength than pride does. By offering people the exact same kind of compassion I can only hope to be offered myself. By letting the people I love in my life grow and learn exactly as they are meant to, and trusting in their processes, while being there in whatever capacity I can be, by leading by example. By believing in myself and my own capabilities, believing in the strength of my intuition and my connection to the Source. By being aware of my own pitfalls and defensive mechanisms as a result of the wounds I’ve gathered through my experiences and making it my personal responsibility to heal these wounds so that they do not reflect in my relationships, words, actions, thoughts and emotions.

This isn’t a destination. This is a journey. And this journey is the be-all and end-all.

And setting aside all this seriousness for a moment – I also need to lighten the fuck up too!!! I take things way too seriously sometimes when all it takes is just a good laugh or two to center myself once more. This journey isn’t all about keen focus and discipline (as important as those things are); it’s also the ability to be able to be light, to be airy, to let go, to go with the flow when need be, to know when to take things seriously and to know when not to. Life is beautiful, short and long, all kinds of fucking things, and it’s some things to some people and other things to others. In the end, all that matters is what your life is to you, and what you make of it.

I have so much faith in my process that it has no other choice than to be and happen exactly as it’s meant to, when it’s meant to, no matter what that may entail. I believe so much in what’s meant for me, that it no longer makes any feasible sense whatsoever to worry about what’s to come. Nor is there any point to dwelling on what’s past. And that’s how I’ll learn to be present. One breath at a time, one less thought at a time.

I Am. Right here. Right now.

Wow, this was a good log man. And I’m not even high! LOOOOOOOL. Or maybe I am… on life.

Anyways, it is hella late and it’s time for me to hit the hay. It’s been a good day. It is a good day.

I’m not sure if I’ll find a moment to write tomorrow because I’ve got work, I’m hanging out with Adrian after my shift, and I still haven’t packed yet which means I’ll probably be doing so super last minute well into the night, heh. So if I don’t write, hopefully I’ll find a quiet moment to while I’m away. And if I don’t, well then… it is what it is eh?

Catch ya on the flip side!

Love, love, love, love, love (is all you need),

Me.

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