Day 190 to 198 – July 9th to 17th, 2018

Hello there! So it’s been a whirlwind of a past week, but in all the best kinds of ways for sure. I can definitely say without doubt that I am making the most of this summer and that makes me so happy.

So this past week – it was packed to the brim with full-time hours and as bad as it felt in those moments where my 8 hour shifts felt extra-drawn out, I managed to make it through. Which just goes to show that nothing is ever as bad as it seems to be, regardless of how it may seem in the moment.

And another thing – I don’t want to live my life on “fast forward”. I find that when I’m in moments I don’t want to be in, I’m constantly trying to figure out how to make time pass by as fast as possible, constantly waiting for the next moment, wondering when it’s been enough time to check what time it is. I don’t want to do this, because then when it comes to the moments I’ve been really waiting for, they feel like they’re on fast forward too, no matter how present I try to be in them.

I have to learn to accept every moment as it is, for what it is. I have to learn how to become comfortable with my discomfort.

Anyways, these past couple days have more than made up for the past five days of full time shifts. These past couple days have been… above and beyond anything I could have possibly imagined for myself. I’m so incredibly happy, so content and so luminously at peace. At the same time, I feel so much emotion – good emotion, the kind of purity that you can’t help but feel in every corner of your heart.

In the midst of all my shifts this past week, Adrian happened to message and asked me if I was free Monday and Tuesday because he finished work really early and started work late in the evening the next day, and proposed we go to a beach. By some happenstance, I happened to be off both Monday and Tuesday as well so I told him that that worked out for me quite well. In reply, he asked me if I would be down to spend the night in the area, rent out a bed and breakfast.

LOOOL me through text: “that sounds absolutely lovely”. Me in person: *runs around in happy dancing laps throughout my department, jumping the whole way*

This was our first little getaway trip, a little trial-run if you will. Yeah, I’ve spent weekends over at his and vice versa. But this would be the first time that we spent the night together somewhere other than in each others’ homes, and I was so, so incredibly excited that he asked.

A little bit of an update on my feelings before I dive into these past couple days: I am head over heels, and over again if that’s possible. Last week when we spent some time with one another after I got back from that cottage weekend with my cousins, I got a moment to ask him some questions that I’d been meaning to ask him for quite some time. And when I apologized for coming off as invasive (if I did), he was more than understanding – in fact, he insisted that I ask what ever I want, as we’re still getting to know one another. In turn, I told him he’s more than welcome to ask me whatever he’d like as well, and that I’m an open book.

That same day while we were lying together in his bed, he was telling me how he’d like to have me over for a night where he does all the cooking, and we play my favourite music, a night where I don’t lift a finger at all. And all I remember is staring at him, blinking, before snapping back to reality and telling him how lovely that sounded.

How do I tell him that I’ve never been treated this way before? That I’ve never felt this adored, or cared for? That in all my years of seriously dating, after two long-term relationships over the span of six years, that this is the first time I’ve ever felt this special even though we’re only a couple months into seeing one another?

I know I’ll find a moment to, when I’m meant to. But it’s moments like these that have me falling deeper and deeper.

And these past two days… absolute magic. The kind of magic I felt whilst sitting across from him in that coffee shop on the date that began it all. It’s been magic from start to present.

I spent the night before making tuna sandwiches for the road, and I even bought guacamole ingredients so that I could throw something together at night if we got hungry. I usually hate avocados but the guacamole that my sister and Daniella have made lately has me sold on it, to the point that I’ve been craving it myself lately.

And he was so happy about these little things! He said I’m the “most wonderful person in the world”, which warmed my heart.

On the way there, he played the whole Lumineers album because he knows it’s my favourite. And even though he doesn’t like the sound of Dallas Green’s voice of City & Colour, he still played my ultimate favourite road trip song, “Runaway”.

When we got there, both of our breaths were taken away. The view of the lake from our cozy little loft was absolutely stunning. You could easily see the contrast in the blue of the water versus the blue of the sky. And oh my goodness, our cozy little place – it was above a refurbished garage, almost like a guest house in the back of a cottage, and it was so quaint and wood-paneled and it reminded me so much of Elizabeth’s cottage.

Even the littlest of details were so me – there was a cute little comfy nook with a shelf of books for reading, my favourite tea was tucked away into one of the cabinets, there was even a sketchpad and oil pastels in a drawer right next to the window with the prettiest view. I loved it so much, the pictures definitely didn’t do this place justice.

And even though it rained, we made the most of it. Honestly, I think even if it didn’t rain, I don’t think we would have gotten very far LOL. I know we’re still kind of in that place where we can’t get enough of one another, and I’m totally okay with that. It’s enthralling and chemical and I can feel tingles right down to the tips of fingers and toes when  I think about how he makes me feel.

We really did make the most of it though – I put on music, and we cut the ingredients of the guacamole together while I danced around, and every couple moments he’d lean over to press a kiss against the side of my head or on my shoulder or cheek, just the way I pictured it’d be. We smoked up and had some of the best conversations I’ve ever had in my life about absolutely every thing. About life, about attachment, about being present, about being non-reactive, even what it’d be like if every single drug in the world became legalized. I like that he can make me see things in different perspectives, our little “debates”. We make each other think, which I love.

Another thing I love – he’s so like me in his appreciation for the beauty in life. There was a moment I was just puttering around the loft and he was just about to go outside for a bit, when he called me down and told me to come join him real quick. And when I did, it turns out it was because he wanted to show me how beautiful the sun looked setting over the lake. It was… stunning. Everything was lit with this beautiful iridescent rose-gold hue from the sliver of sunset that wasn’t covered by clouds.

There was this moment where we were lying together in bed, and we made eye contact and we were just smiling contentedly at each other. And all of a sudden, the moment changed. Maybe it was just me. But all of a sudden, there was this rush of emotion in my throat, and I had to look away. It felt like I had so much to say but I couldn’t. It just didn’t feel like it was time, yet.

And when we finally fell asleep, there’d be moments where I’d wake up in the middle of the night and he’d be lying there oh so comfortably against my shoulder, holding me close.

In those moments, I don’t know if he could feel it or not, but I’d kiss his cheek or forehead and all I could do was hope that he felt how deeply I’ve grown to care about him. After all, that place in between being asleep and being awake… 

The next day (today) was equally as lovely. Waking up together is definitely one of my favourite things in the world. His sleepy smile once he feels me close to him, the way he wraps his arms and legs around me so we’re perfectly entwined. How good it feels to be so close to him.

Since we had time, he made me tea and then we cuddled together in the cozy little reading nook next to the window with the beautiful view. And then I asked him if he’d like to meditate with me.

I played us a guided meditation that I’d recorded a while back, a meditation about letting go of old emotions, thoughts, judgments and much more, as well as being in the present moment.

It was incredible. At first, I was so excited to be meditating with him that all I could think about was how the words sounded to him. But then after awhile, I settled into the meditation, and soon it felt like I was so far away from where I was. There with him, but also far away. It was so peaceful, so still.

Once it ended, he slowly opened his eyes and he looked… just, illuminated. We sat and talked about it for a while, and he was so incredibly relaxed and content. We talked about the power of meditation, how it’s helped me with my anxiety, how it helps with life in general. He mentioned that he’d let himself go into it so well that he’d felt light-headed and a tingling in his arms even.

And this is what led us into our amazing conversation about the nature of being reactive, of letting go and being patient with others. He talked about his own mind frame regarding those things, and even now after these past couple months I’m still so blown away by how alike our outlooks are and how similarly we see things. He’s so positive, just like me. And he’s so into being introspective and trying to grow as a person, which is so incredibly amazing and makes me so happy to hear.

And once again, that moment happened. That moment where he was just regarding me, smiling quietly, and I had to look away once more due to the rush of emotion I felt. This time he caught it though, and all I could simply say was that I was happy. He even mentioned how it looked like I was about to cry, but I didn’t address that and changed the topic instead. Because…

I wanted to tell him how deeply I’ve fallen for him from the moment we’ve met, and every moment since. I wanted to tell him that maybe only a year ago, if anyone would have told me it was possible to be this happy, to be this revered and adored and cared for, I probably wouldn’t have believed them. I wanted to tell him how much it meant to me that he was so open to the things that have become so important to me and my self-growth – the fact that he was willing to listen to me without judgment when I talked about chakras, or even the simple act of meditating with me. It meant more to me than I could convey.

And all the little things he did – like insisting he wash all the dishes since I’m the one who brought and prepared our food, or how he cleaned the entire loft right down to folding my clothes into a neat little pile at the foot of our bed while I was showering even though I had insisted that I wanted to help with the clean-up.

He’s amazing. And I wanted to tell him all of that. How much I appreciate him. How deeply I feel towards him. But my gut wouldn’t let me. I think that moment is coming, and I’ll know it when it does. For now, we have this. We have these unspoken moments where we look at each other and everything just clicks, and I know he feels exactly the same way that I do without either of us having to say anything to one another.

Once we checked out, he ended up driving me all the way home, and since we still had time before he had to leave to work, we got some Caribbean take-out food and ate it together at my home before he had to go. And it’s funny – despite all that time spent together, I still felt sad when he had to go, as though it wasn’t enough. I honestly love his company. Even the moments where we’re quietly doing our own thing – like when I’d be reading in my own space, and he’d be making himself coffee off in the kitchen. We vibe well together in so many different capacities.

We talked a little bit about my travels, and he casually asked me when I was planning on going to New Orleans. Once I told him the dates I was thinking in early October, he asked me if I was planning on going on my own and I said I might. And then he said that he just might “high-jack” my trip and tag along!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, ever since I’ve mentioned that flight deal to him, I’ve been hoping I’d get some kind of chance to ask him if he’d like to come with me. But of course, the universe was one step ahead of me. I lightly said that was absolutely okay with me and that I’d love the company, even though on the inside my heart was doing triumphant cartwheels all around the inside of my chest.

Once he left, he texted me later on and this conversation had me tearing up all over again (why am I so goddamn emotional these days!?!?!) He was like: “So… I lied. I told you when I started work, I’d take a second to stop thinking about the past couple days to look at Amazon stuff. I haven’t been on Amazon yet, and my mind hasn’t been on anything BUT the past couple days. So, I’m a liar. :)”

And I replied: “These past couple days… have been literally just as magical as those moments I sat next to you in St. Lawrence Market. You know, that moment when I simply told you “I’m happy” it was full of emotion because honestly, I’ve never been treated this way – the way you look at me, those little considerate things you do, how special you make me feel… that’s why I thank you for being you. You’re truly amazing, you really are.”

And here’s what got me, in his reply: “A first impression is wonderful, but consistency is key. So I’m very happy to hear that you feel the magic too. I do remember – I want to make you feel warm, like an internal hug, you know? I want you – around me – to feel like cinnamon buns and mangoes. That first sip of tea when the wind hurts your face, that first spoonful of chili in the dead of winter. While I can’t promise that all the time, I will promise that nothing makes me happier than seeing you wrapped up in a freshly dried towel, or the smile on your face when you came out of the shower to see a clean room.”

Cinnamon buns and mangoes. We’ve both talked about how nothing compares to the first bite of a fresh and juicy mango on a hot summer day, or the warm scent of cinnamon in the midst of a crisp winter. The feeling that these experiences evoke.

One time when I was at his house and I had to shower, he threw a towel into the drier solely so that when I came out of the shower, I’d have a freshly warm towel to wrap myself into once I was all done.

It’s these little things that have me feeling the way that I feel.

One day, I’m going to tell him all of these things. One day, I’m going to tell him how I feel. The moment I knew I would fall harder than I ever have, the moment I knew I could, and the moment I knew I did. One day, I’m going to tell him that this is the most connected I’ve ever felt to anyone to the point that if he were to walk away from me, I would not ask him to stay. Because the depth of how I feel about him is not based on attachment, and the beauty of all the ways he’s made me feel in such a short time is more than I ever could have possibly imagined. Every moment he has given me, every moment of peace, contentment and happiness is more than enough. More than I’ve dreamed. 

Goodness, am I ever in love LOL. I think this may be the first time I’m saying it to myself. And I know, that in time and the more that we get to know each other, the depth of that love is only going to grow.

It scares me to my core to type these words. I’ve been refusing to acknowledge them, pretending they don’t exist, because I’ve been so afraid of attaching any labels to what this is. I love how beautifully it’s grown in its freedom, you know? Free of being boxed into a label, free of attachment, free of societal expectations or time frames.

But my deeper self knows it’s okay to say those words. I’m not afraid. No matter what happens. I want to fall in love with every experience I’m given in this life whole-heartedly, every person I come across that I’m meant to meet in this life. I want to operate from a vibration of Love in everything I do or say, no matter whom or what its towards.

This isn’t love from attachment, it’s love from gratitude and appreciation for who he is as a person and everything he’s shown me thus far. It’s love for the deeper wounds that I can see from afar, love for the growth he’s eager to acquire. Love for the little things, love for the freedom of it all, for the stillness and the peace I get from being around him. Love for the way he looks at me like he’s never quite seen anyone like me before. Love for how easy it is to be around him, to be with him, to laugh with him.

And that’s why I’m not really afraid. Because when it’s not love based on attachment, it doesn’t matter whether or not it comes or goes. I’m not trying to hold onto it, but I’m trying to be in it with all that I have for its beauty and nothing more than that. You don’t need to pick a flower and “keep it” in order to appreciate its beauty, after all. You can just see it for what it is, appreciate it, and allow it to grow further in its freedom to do so.

When you stop fearing pain, when you’re sound in yourself and in your own self-love, it’s easy to love everyone else in your life. You stop fearing the “what if’s”, you stop fearing all the outcomes based on attachment. And your love only grows. Rooted firmly in compassion and trust and honesty and communication. Full of light.

So, here I am. In this present moment, completely head over heels for an incredibly beautiful soul that I’m so lucky to have met. And I’m more than happy to let it be just that, exactly as it is. I don’t need to say it, because I know I display it in every thing I do, say, the way I kiss him and in the way I look at him. When the words are meant to be said, the universe will call their vibration into play. I’ll know when.

He’s perfect. For everything he is, for who he is. He’s more than I could have dreamed, and I am so, so incredibly thankful to the Universe with every fiber of my being.

I promise to be filled with light, with frivolity and happiness and fun and laughter, when it comes to this. I promise to allow every moment to be exactly as it is meant to be, no fear. I promise to be there for him in every and any way that I can be, so that we can elevate our vibrations together as we see fit. To learn as much as I can teach.

So much beauty to this life, there really is.

Anyhow, that summarizes everything I’ve experienced, everything I think and feel as of late! Tomorrow, we’re going to the Lauryn Hill concert that he asked me to go to with him sometime in early May. At that time, this day seemed so far away, but here we are.

We might potentially have found someone to take over some of my shifts and join the team temporarily!!! She’s starting tomorrow, so fingers crossed that she ends up being a good addition to the team.

I have so much faith now, more than I’ve ever had at any point in time in my life. Faith that everything is going to work out exactly as it is meant to, no matter what it may entail. It’s such a beautiful feeling. Faith is the bright and shining sword full of light that I wield against the dark shadows of my fears, lighting the way as far as its meant to be lit.

I wish this same faith for every person I love in my life. Everything is going to be more than okay. It’s going to be beautiful, for exactly what is is, and how it is. You’ll see. And if you’re already seeing it now, then don’t lose sight of it. You’re loved and you are love.

Love, love, love in all ways,

Me.

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