Hello there! So it’s been a week since I’ve written last and while I feel like not a lot has happened in the past week due to how quickly it’s flown by, now that I think about it quite a bit has happened that I’ve got to write about! Not to mention, the fact that I haven’t written in a week was slowly starting to give me pangs of anxiety since I didn’t really have an outlet to express and connect with myself about the things I’ve been experiencing.
I feel like in order not to forget about all the things I’d like to touch upon in this sure-to-be long-ass log, I’m going to list them briefly first so that I can go back as I please. Okay, let’s see… the Lauryn Hill concert with Adrian, the fact that my mom and I are going to be visiting Olivia in England and then going with her to Paris (HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS), the wild night out with Radha after work, chilling with Bethany and Bianca after five consecutive full-time shifts and then getting caught smoking weed by my mother (yup, that happened). Am I missing anything? Probably. But I’m sure it’ll come to me as I touch upon all these things. Ah yes, I would like to do a self check-in as well to see how I’m doing and how things are going. That should probably come first, now that I think about it. Always start from within after all, right?
So, how have I been?
Hm. Well, I can’t believe how quickly this summer has been flying by really. But I mean, everything has been so much fun and I truly believe that I’m making the most of it, so I’m not complaining. Time is time and it does what it does.
Strangely enough, what’s been kind of worrying me or stressing me out the most is work, lately. I can’t quite shake the feeling that I’ve bitten off more than I can chew with the company I work for – I’m so thankful for the hours and grateful for the fact that I have indeed grown as a person since I’ve begun working as an ambassador. In fact, in regards to a recent event we just held, I sold the most and I’m truly thankful for the opportunity to have done so; it felt good to prove myself.
But. These hours. I just feel like I had so much more time to myself last summer, you know? Not that these hours are really taking away from my summer as much as I’m implying they are – like I said, I really do feel like I’m making the most of it and I’m not quite sure what I’d be doing with my time if I had more of it, per se.
It’s just that, I had more time to my self, last summer. More time to build, to grow, to introspect and do whatever I felt I needed to do in order to progress. I don’t think I’m feeling stagnant again, no. But I also don’t feel like I’m making those great leaps and bounds I was making last year, either.
I suppose, in that vein, that growth doesn’t necessarily need to occur in “great leaps and bounds”.
Anyways, I tried to put my foot down and request as much time off as possible for next month in order to really have more time to myself as summer comes to a close, but even that was challenged. Since Sharon and I are the two main ambassadors that Maria can rely on, she’s reluctant to give anyone else more hours unless either of us are there to make sure we’re driving sales, which isn’t particularly fair to either of us. If Sharon takes time off, I’m “not allowed” to. If I take time off, then Sharon gets shafted and has to work the days that I’m not there.
I get that it’s a very numbers-driven company, very successful in its work ethic. I’m happy with the job, and I enjoy what I do. But I also know that there are more important things in life than just “numbers”. I’m also only twenty-five, and as good and reliable as I can be at that job, I didn’t sign up for full-time hours.
That being said, I think my conflict with this mentality arises from the fact that I also somewhat feel obligated to Maria because she got me this job and because of how much I know she relies on me. It’s almost as though I don’t want to disappoint her or have her see me differently, or make her feel as though I’m asking for too much.
^ As soon as I typed those words, I saw the problem with each thing I said.
One – I’m doing that thing again that I always do; I’m “pedestalizing” Maria. I put people in my life on pedestals and somehow work into my mind that I need to either impress or do my best for these people when really, they’re all just… people. As much as I respect her, she’s got to respect me too. She may be my “boss” but she’s also only human. I don’t deserve any less than what I do.
Two – I can’t control how other people see me, what they think of me, or how they react to me. I can only control my own inner state and my own reactions. So if I do anything that she perceives as “disappointing” even when it really wasn’t, that’s not on me. As long as I’m doing everything I can with the best of my intentions (which I usually am) that’s all that really matters.
Three – asking for some time off for myself in the deadest part of the season is not “asking for too much”. I’m a loyal, hard-working person, I do my best when I’m there, and when she needs me, I always do my best to be there for her no matter what. I drive sales just as much as anybody else, I’m punctual for the most part and especially where it counts, and I genuinely care about what I do. So asking for a weekend off and a week to go travel with my family out of a whole month, that’s not asking for too much. So, no more guilt on that part.
Okay, I feel a whole lot better about that. I don’t owe anyone anything the same way they don’t owe me anything as well. If I want something, I have to ask for it. And if they need something from me, they also have to ask and not just expect it from me. And just as I have every right to say no if I want to, I suppose they do too. It’s just a matter of how I choose to react accordingly (and vice versa) that determines the rest of it.
And one last point to drive the whole thing home and put this whole thing to rest – this entire summer has been working out for the most amazing best that it can, regardless of how much work I’ve been doing! I’m not overly exhausted, I have money to spend where I need, and sure I’d like more time to myself but that doesn’t mean I don’t have time to spend at all, you know? I always say that life is matter of what you choose to focus on, so what am I focusing on here? I’d rather be grateful for what I’ve got and ask for what I can, rather than focus on what I don’t have.
Nothing is ever really as bad as it seems, and I need to remember that. Everything always works out for the best, no matter what that entails. I have to trust the process and have faith in every single aspect that my life incorporates. Whatever is meant to be, will be, so there’s no point in attaching expectation to outcome. Just, let it be.
Phew. Man that was really bothering me LMAO. At least I was willing to admit it though. I’m constantly learning and re-learning and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Plus, I was clearly in dire need of some venting in that regard, and who better than me to me, right?
Anyways, other than that! How have I been doing as a whole, mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally, psychologically and, just for the heck of it, a weird fact I’ve recently learnt?
As a whole – fan-fucking-tastic! Forever smiling everywhere I go, happy as always, and for the most part just at peace. Learning to be present as much as I humanly can, and it’s been working. I’m much more aware of my thoughts than I ever have been, which is a great start.
Mentally – was a little worried about the whole work thing (evidently), slightly worried about the school thing (another thing for me to touch on later in this log). But overall, I’ve been pretty good mentally! I’m making it a point to be as aware of my thoughts and the things I think as much as I can because I’ve recently began reading “The Secret” and I’m understanding more than ever the power that our thoughts have and how important it is to cultivate a steady stream of positive thinking.
Spiritually – I guess I’m just trying to practice what I preach in this sense in everything I do, you know? It’s tough sometimes because I get so caught up in the mundane surface aspects of reality (since that’s where we currently reside). But I really do try to keep up with my meditation, the moments of stillness, conscious breathing, focusing on gratitude and humility at all times. I also think a new challenge for me regarding this aspect is allowing people to surprise me – I never realized how attached I was to my viewpoints of the people in my life and how limiting and unfair it is to maintain those viewpoints so rigidly. If I was able to grow and transform as I have in the past year and a half of my life, why shouldn’t others be able to do the same?
Physically – well, I’ve been eating a bit more conscientiously and I really have done so well with cutting out excessive amounts of sugar and eradicating white sugar as whole from my diet, so I’m fairly happy about that! I’ve felt a lot better over the course of this month, but I think I’d like to start incorporating more of a healthy-active lifestyle as well, not just eating-wise. I genuinely miss working out and the endorphin rush that followed after a good exercise session! I think this is a part of where missing time to my self is stemming from as well. But really, if anything this just goes to show that I could improve on my time management skills – it’s not like I don’t have the time, I just don’t budget my time wisely. Hm.
Emotionally – LMAO, I just paused and breathed for a second and a massive smile just unfurled on my face, I’m such a loony. Honestly, my emotional state could not be better. And yes it’s partially due to external factors, but I also think it’s in part due to the fact that I’m so much more in tune with myself and my thoughts that it’s become easier to maintain and acknowledge the things I feel without becoming attached to them. I remember the days that my thoughts used to set off wildfires of raging emotions I could neither comprehend or control, or the days when I attached so much more significance to my emotions than actually necessary. Now I know that emotion is just as fleeting (if not more so) than thought, and the only thing that really matters is… peace. Untouchable, unshakable peace; the stillness and quiet of the sea beneath the turbulence and come-and-go nature of the waves. You can’t undo a reaction or action once it’s been done, you can’t unsay something once it’s been said, and a lot of these things happen based on the importance we place upon our thoughts and feelings. If instead we took a moment to watch or sit inside our thoughts and feelings rather than letting them drag us off to where they will, we’d be able to see them for what they are, which is temporary. So why create potentially lasting damage or cause pain based on a temporary thought or fleeting emotion, right? Wow, did I ever go off in this particular section LOL. Oh well! Some food for thought I suppose.
Psychologically – funny, I haven’t really asked myself about this one in a while, or ever really. I had Nadia to kind of bounce this particular aspect off of, but now that I won’t be seeing her for a while (or possible ever again) I definitely have to make it my personal responsibility to make sure I am continuously re-wiring old thought processes or old reactionary habits when they come up as I experience whatever I do in my life as time goes on. Which I believe I have been doing – I can touch upon this in further detail once I talk about how my mom found out I smoke weed, her reaction, and my consequent reaction as a result and what I went through.
And lastly, a weird fact that I’ve recently learnt – did you know that if you add too much almond extract in baking that it creates an adverse effect that resonates bitterly on the tongue? I only know this because Olivia recently binge-watched an entire season of a baking competition show called “Sugar Rush” and she happened to mention that to me, heh. I thought it was cool. :3
I feel like people need to do this more often, like check-in with themselves. Like you know how you don’t see an old friend for a while and the first thing you do when you see them is ask how they’ve been doing in every aspect of their lives? I don’t think people ever take the time to ask themselves how they’ve been doing and then by the time they’re in the midst of a break-down wondering how that could have possibly happened, it’s already too late. Not that there’s anything wrong with breaking down, of course! Sometimes it’s actually necessary and quite therapeutic. I’m just saying, it helps to check-in with yourself from time to time the way you would someone you care about, because YOU should be someone you care about… ya dig?
Wow, I feel amazing. I honestly did not realize how badly I needed to do this or how happy I make myself by simply just asking me how I’m doing. I almost feel like I’ve missed me, does that make sense!?!? Omg. I miss going to dinner with myself, or taking myself out to a movie. I can almost feel a tiny little mini-me in my head shaking a fist at me like “HELLO, WHAT ABOUT ME (AKA YOU)?!?” Seriously though, it’s been a good and long while since I did anything for myself. I think I’m going to make it a priority that on my next day off, I’m taking myself out for dinner or a nice long walk down Harbourfront or a meditation day by the water or something. I am in some dire need of me-time. Sorry me!!!! I didn’t mean to neglect you, I love you buddy!
(Tiny mini-me @ me: *shakes head begrudgingly but is also smiling* it’s okay, I love you too!)
(LOL at how the mini-me in my head reminds me of “little man”… I’m imagining her sitting on the edge of my cup. Why am I like this!?!?! LOOOOOOOOL).
ANYWAYS. This has been a great start to my log thus far. As always, I’m glad I put myself first. As they say on planes – put your oxygen mask on first before attending to anyone else.
So, back to what I’ve missed in the past week.
The Lauryn Hill concert was so, so much fun!!!! I’m so glad that as much as Adrian and I enjoy spending time with one another doing absolutely nothing, we also make a point of getting out and doing things with one another that we also both enjoy doing. And he was so incredibly sweet during the concert – he held me close in front of him with an arm wrapped around my shoulders so that I could see, and then when she sang her rendition of “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You”, he was singing along to the lyrics in my ear. And afterwards, he was like “you’re just too good to be true”. *swoon*. I also can’t believe I got to see Santigold (whose songs were very frequently on Gossip Girl) and Busta Rhymes (hella epic). Afterwards, he and I and his best friend and his girl (it was a double date kind of thing) went to Owl of Minerva based on my suggestion and everyone loved it, which made me happy.
I love that we’re so appreciative of each other in so many different ways, and that we express this gratitude to one another. There’s no shortage of “thank you for being you” or “I love spending time with you” when we see each other, no matter what we may be doing.
We recently hung out and I crashed at his place, and we were talking about ourselves and our pasts. I mentioned that I’m a lot more at home in myself than I ever have been, and he said he’s noticed and attributes that as to why he’s so attracted to me (oh, the butterflies I got when he said this). I then in turn asked him if he’s at home in himself, and he paused for a moment to reflect before replying that he’s working on it. Which I love – I love that he’s so open with the fact that he’s working on himself, working on his growth and so open to learning about himself and whatever else he can.
And a couple days prior, he had yet another wedding to go to (once again his ex happened to be in attendance), and he ended up asking me to accompany him to the next shin-dig, which I’d be more than happy to do! I like that our relationship (which is happily free of time-frames and labels) is progressing naturally and easily. And that’s exactly what it is… easy. It just feels right.
Anyways, I’ve got some stuff to do and this log ended up turning out to be a lot longer than expected. While I’d love to continue, there are some obligations I promised I’d fulfill… such as finding a cheap flight from London to Paris, and comparing prices on places to stay!!!
I cannot, cannot fucking believe I’m going to London and Paris. ENGLAND AND FRANCE BABY! Two more magnificent and spectacular countries to add to my growing list of places I’ve travelled to. I CAN’T WAIT! I can hardly believe it. But in less than a month, I’ll be wandering through the streets of Paris with the Eiffel Tower twinkling romantically in the background… oh what a life.
I’m thankful. Truly.
With love, always,