Day 208 – July 27th, 2018

Hi, hi! I actually ended up having some time before work to bang out a quick log (hopefully). I really want to catch up on everything I missed from the last log as soon as I can because I really, REALLY want to address the occurrences of last night because last night was… wonderful.

Okay so, where was I last?

Ah yes, I talked about the Lauryn Hill concert already and briefly talked about how I’ll be travelling again with my mom and Olivia! You know what’s crazy? That psychic I went to see who did the coffee reading for me told me I would be taking a trip with two other “beautiful” women; that it would be rather last minute (yep, me and my mom quite literally JUST booked the ticket) and some time in August but that it would be safe and full of fun. Man is that lady ever good.

So, onto my night out with Radha! It was pretty spontaneous – we drove around downtown for a while before ending up at the Drake, and another place called “Death and Taxes” (which is actually a like from Waking Life!!! No such thing as coincidence). I actually loved the latter – there was a piano in the basement and I was playing “Someone Like You” and the main theme from Beauty and the Beast and everyone who came into the basement (because the washrooms also happened to be located there) would stop and bond with me a little bit over the piano music, which was lovely.

And when I myself went to go use to washroom, someone sat down and started playing “Your Song” by Elton John, which immediately had me shook because I had just downloaded it maybe the day before and had been listening to it recently. And then right after that song, that same person started playing “Let It Be”, and I was even more shook LOL. I knew I was in the right place at the right time, in every way. It was a beautiful moment. I immediately thought of Adrian and his mom, of the beautiful lyrics of that song that he has tattooed over his heart. Truly, there is no such thing as coincidence. I quietly thanked the Universe and went along on my merry way.

It was such a good night! I was so nice to see Radha let loose and have fun; we danced up a storm at the Drake later on in the night, and then ended the night off with – of course – King Slice pizza, mmmm. We met some incredible people and ended up in some seriously thought-provoking conversations and it’s amazing how we attracted the people we did, almost like moths to a flame. And nearly everyone commented on how great our combined energy seemed too!

It was a lot of fun. The next day, Radha commented on how I handled myself with grace in every situation we came across and admired the way I still knew how to have fun and be open to meeting new people despite being with Adrian, and it was nice to be seen through someone else’s eyes that way, you know? But really though, I do think it’s imperative that regardless of your relationship status or whom you’re with, that you know how to have fun and do your own thing and enjoy your own company, no matter where you may be or what you may be doing and I try to embody that in everything I do.

Okay, that’s about it regarding that! Next: hanging out with Bethany and Bianca and getting caught smoking by my mom, LMAO.

So the night started off so great – it was so good to see B&B again; we went grocery shopping altogether to get ingredients to make fresh pizza. We each made our own, and then we went outside onto my patio and engaged in some deep and connecting conversations about life and whatever else. And somewhere along the way, my mom happened to come back downstairs, RIGHT WHEN I WAS LIGHTING UP MY PIPE LMFAO.

So of course, I panicked and the first thing I thought to do was throw the pipe to the side of the patio. But alas, I did not throw it far enough and the smoke hadn’t completely cleared, so not only did she smell it but she also saw the pipe lying off to the side and immediately asked if we had been smoking.

We denied it of course, but I knew she’d seen me throw the pipe so for sure she knew that I had been, if not anyone else.

I managed to put off that conversation for a day or two, and in my head I was preparing for an all-out war. I kept telling myself “I’m not going to let her perspective of me define me anymore”, and “I’m not afraid of her, I’m an adult now and I can make my own conscious decisions”, stuff along those defensive lines. I was ready to go down fighting no matter what it took.

Finally, the day of the conversation arrived and we all decided (Olivia included) to meet at a park after one of my work shifts in order to have the talk. (I personally figured she’d be less likely to yell at me if we were in a public setting, hehe).

I settled down near a tree to read a book (The Secret) while I waited for them. And then I realized.

I couldn’t go into this defensively. I couldn’t go into this ready to fight. If I wanted my mom to understand me, then I had to be willing to understand her. I had to go into this with compassion, with light, with calm and in a non-reactive manner, or else I would be throwing fuel into fire and it wouldn’t end well.

I saw them walking towards me after a while, and I just looked at her. My tiny mom, just a little over five foot, a fierce little lioness with battle scars from all these years of fighting to simply survive. A woman who’d caught her daughter smoking a “drug” that she’d spent a majority of her life believing to be harmful. A mother who, despite being angry, was probably mostly just scared and concerned.

So, we sat down in a patch of grass and I did my utmost best to fight against my own wiring and preconceived notions of her, and calmly apologized for her catching me that way and how it made her feel. I slowly explained that it’s not as bad as she thinks – that weed actually helps with pain, that cancer patients use it, that it’s being legalized in October, and that that wouldn’t be happening if it were truly as bad as everyone thought it was.

Slowly but surely, as I explained everything with patience and compassion without reacting to her initial defensiveness, she slowly began to unwind herself and see the truth in what I was saying. And boy, was I ever surprised.

And that’s the thing – I get so caught up in the way that I perceive people, that I don’t allow them any room to grow!!!! How is that fair?! My inner dialogue or narrative regarding how I categorize people is not factual, not concrete – people are constantly changing, and if you truly give them a chance, they may actually be able to show you that they too are capable of growth. No matter how old or how far into life they may be. No one stops learning, not truly.

It turned into a lovely evening. I’m sure somewhere deep down, my mom is still coming to terms with what she saw and how it relates to her. But now, she understands that it’s not something I need to do or even something I do often, and that it’s not really as bad as she’d originally thought. All because she was actually willing to listen. All she ended up telling me was to not keep it as a habit, and that’s a fair request. I really don’t intend to anyways. I’m sure I’ll look back on my twenties and fondly recall how much of a pothead I used to be. Heck, if I can smoke a joint or two with my kids one day in the future, I’ll be happy. But that’s about the extent of it.

And that’s all I had to catch up on! It’s now Friday and my work weekend has begun, but thankfully it won’t be as bad as the past two weekends of full-time shifts because I was able to take tomorrow off (which I really technically shouldn’t have done but oh well! I got in a little trouble for it but what’s done is done. They even asked me if I could still work tomorrow somehow and I put my foot down and said no, that I have plans all day and I wouldn’t be available. You got to do what you got to do! *shrug*).

Okay so, yesterday.

I’m still a little bit mad at myself but also trying to offer myself compassion because it’s really not as bad as I think, and I know that. And in fact, I’m actually thankful for last night because it showed me truly how much incessant thinking and getting caught up in your head can be such a disease.

BUT, despite that stuff ^ last night really was wonderful.

So Adrian and I ended up hanging out, and we had plans to go for a drink but it was still kind of early so we ended up smoking a little and then swinging in a park for a while.

Before I go on – I keep forgetting that for some reason, I CANNOT hit bongs. I don’t know if it’s because it’s too much at once and that smoking a joint or from a pipe allows me more of a gradual increase that’s more so within my control, but for some reason hitting a bong just… does not bode well with me. I end up focusing so hard on trying to act “normal” and hold it altogether, that I end up getting so in my head and so distant from the present moment. It almost felt like I was so lost inside myself that I was on autopilot and struggling to get back to the pilots chair, where I usually reside. I hated that feeling so much, LOL.

But I think I held myself well for the most part… I hope. We ended up in some seriously deep conversations about the law of attraction and the nature of free will, which I loved loved loved. He’s so open to discussion, so open to learning new things but also so open to explaining his own perspectives to me. He believes in almost a “law of adaptation” along with the law of attraction – that your surroundings inevitably shape who you are or become and that’s where like attracts like. We had differing perspectives, but I liked that we made it a point to appreciate and understand where the other was coming from with their own viewpoints.

I ended up telling him about my thoughts on free will (or lack thereof) – my whole theory that everything is pre-determined and written in the stars, and that the reason that we suffer so much is because we refuse to believe that our destinies are already made for us. We don’t want to give up our “power”, our idea of control, because it’s almost as though it’s the only thing we’ve got going for us, this idea of “free will”. The power to make a choice and shape our own destinies. But, my theory is that our destinies are luminous, powerful, incredible, exactly as they are meant to be. My theory is that we are made of stars and stardust ourselves – and the minute that we choose to surrender our idea of control and give into the idea that we are exactly where we are meant to be at all times and that there’s no such thing as a “right or wrong” decision, only choices that leads us where we’re meant to go, that we can find so much more peace than constantly struggling to make the “right” choices for ourselves. We only have this one life to live – why not give in to the idea that everything will end up exactly as its meant to, one way or another, and live your life in peace knowing that you are exactly where you’re meant to be in your life at all times? Listen to your SELF, the part of you that is of the Universe and from the Universe, your “intuition” if you will – and that calling, that inner voice, will guide you to that destiny that was meant for you. When we struggle, when we try to enforce the idea that we are the sole masters of our destinies, then we forsake the Universe and the beauty of what could be. We have to conspire alongside it, work together with it (because WE ARE IT) in order to be at peace and ultimately fulfill our Personal Legend.

…something like that, anyways LOL.

I love that he’s willing to listen to my little diatribes about the Universe. And more than that, he says I have a beautiful mind and he enjoys what I share with him. He recalled something I talked about from our very first coffee date, when I talked about the middle way and flowing down the middle of “the stream” without hitting either side of the river banks (attachments) in perfect detail, and I was so touched and impressed. He remembered!!! Ahhhhh.

After the park, we ended up going for Malaysian food because he knew I hadn’t tried it before, and oh… ma… goodness. It was fucking AH-MAZING. Like so fucking good. Their roti is better than ours, no word of a lie. It was buttery and soft with a slight bit of warm sweetness that deliciously offset the light and frothy saltiness of the coconut curry and fried rice. Mmm.

And after dinner, we went to a bar to grab some drinks and some of his friends ended up meeting us there so it turned into a really fun night! Only, this was the point that I feel I was in my head the most and struggling as hard as humanly possible to come off as “normal” and not super fucking stoned, LMAO. So I feel like I was a lot quieter than I normally am, and that I wasn’t altogether there. I’m not sure if I ended up coming off that way because I really was trying hard to be myself, but really I was struggling so much heh. Still, I hope I made an okay impression.

When his friends went off to go smoke, he all of a sudden looked at me kind of nervously and was like, “So… New Orleans.”

And I was like, “Yeah?”

And he was like, “That’s happening right? Like… you don’t mind if I come along with you?”

SO CUTE. I immediately was like, “of course! Like I said, I would love the company!” and I asked him if he’d be okay with early October, and he was like he’d be happy with leaving tomorrow if we could. Awwwww. I’m SO EXCITED! I can’t wait to start planning that out him, I’m so glad that he wants to come along with me and experience that with me! He’s already making cute little plans, like how we’ll find little jazz bars to go dance at and amazing places to go eat. Sigh.

Here’s the part that I got mad at myself for though. (I’m getting better though! It’s okay self, it’s okay.)

When we were on our way home from the bar, we were talking about food and new experiences and I was telling him how I much I enjoyed sharing the things I like with the people I like.

And he was like, “well I’m glad that you like me”, and I was happily like, “I doooooo”.

AND THEN. He was like, “Actually, I like you a lot. And I’m not afraid to admit that.”

EVERYTHING IN MY HEAD SHUT DOWN. Like, literally everything. I actually froze. I DON’T KNOW WHY. I couldn’t even look at him!! I literally just stared out the window and timidly whispered that I like him a lot too.

WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH ME!?!?!?!?!?

That’s literally exactly what I’ve been hoping to hear, exactly the kind of moment I was waiting for so that I could tell him how deeply I feel for him too!!! So why did I shut down like that!? Why was I so in my head!?!? I feel like I couldn’t react the way I wanted to – I was so far away inside my own head, trying to run back to the control panel that I was literally just mechanically reacting, but that’s not what I wanted!!!

I wanted to be able to look at him, like really look at him and connect with him and tell him how much I like him too, which is so much!!!! That these past couple months have been some of the funnest and best in my life and that he’s a huge part of that. That I’ve been so at peace and so content and so simply happy, more than I could have ever possibly imagined. But instead, I squeaked out his own words back at him.

I know that everything happens for a reason and happens exactly as it’s meant to, and that this was no exception. For some inexplicable reason that I’m obviously having trouble understanding, I was meant to shut down and respond the way I did. I have no idea why, but I also can’t change the past now that it’s happened the way it has. 

All I can do is do my best to commit as hard as I can to being present in the next moments I’m given with him. I HAVE TO BE PRESENT! I don’t ever, ever want to be as in my head as I was in that beautiful moment, oh how beautiful and lovely it was. I felt so far away from it when all I wanted was to be in it.

I bolded that paragraph above because that’s the truth in the matter and I have no reason to be attached to what’s past or what’s to come. But oh man. I swear, the next moment I’m given or if I can take a moment to myself, I promise to not hold back. I don’t want to when it comes to this, I promised myself from the start that I wouldn’t because it feels so right and it still does, more so than ever.

Also, no more hitting bongs LMAO. I’m just going to stick to my simple little pipe or rolling a j.

I don’t get stuck in my head. These things happen, but then I let go on move on, always moving forward.

Well, that’s about it! I’ll be seeing him tomorrow for Ribfest (RIBFESSTTTTT AHHHHHH!) for a couple hours before I head off to Cory’s birthday in downtown (CAN’T WAIT! Everyone’s coming so it’s going to be a good night). Maybe tomorrow I’ll get a chance to tell him that I really like him a lot too, and that I didn’t just say it because he said it first.

Okay, until next time!!!

Love always,

Me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s