Okaaaaaay so… this “writing once a week” thing is definitely not going to cut it. Want to know the irony that just occurred that pertains to my log before the last one? I ended up having that “break down” that I mused that most people end up having when they don’t take the time to check-in with themselves, LOLLLLL.
I mean, it’s okay and I’m sort of glad that it happened honestly. I had no idea I had so much pent-up energy I was holding within, goodness knows it was about quite a lot more than what it was on the surface.
Ah, but that surface thing. I literally cannot stop cringing at myself. Like I know better, if this happened to someone outside of myself, I’d be telling them to let go and not to beat themselves up over it because it’s a beautiful thing to care as much as they do. You know?
I’m not making any sense. But back to that. It’s amazing how easy it is for me to offer compassion to others, encourage them to offer compassion to themselves. I had no idea that there was still a part of me that had trouble doing that, for myself. Like there’s actual physical pain in my lower stomach right now, like I’m permanently missing a step as I go down the stairs. You know that feeling? It’s usually pretty fleeting and quick until your foot hits the next stair down and you know you’re safe again.
It won’t go away, that swoop-y feeling. The “cringe”. I keep telling myself it’s okay, but every time I open my phone or think about it, it comes right back again. It’ll go away I guess, (I hope), as I go about my day.
It’s really not as bad as I’m making it out to be, I know that. You probably know that too. Nothing is as ever bad as we make it out to be. Our minds… our minds are very, very powerful.
I can’t help how I feel – or at least, I’m making a conscious choice to stew in how I’m feeling right now because I know it denotes to something a little more deeper than just this, a deeper fear that I’ll address afterwards.
But let me explain what’s happened.
Alright so I spent the past two days with Adrian, like we had a really nice time together actually – there was plenty of incredible conversation to be had, and he even watched my favourite rom-com with me which was so, so nice.
Yesterday morning while we were talking outside, we were discussing sky-diving and bungee-jumping and I was telling him about the times I’ve gone bungee-jumping at Wonderland. He was saying how he’d never do anything like that, and I was laughing about how crazy it felt to have to “pull the cord” in order to drop and send myself flying, it was a nerve-wracking feeling but so exhilarating.
And he mentioned how he doesn’t like anything to do with the term “pull the cord”. I was so in the midst of laughing at his reaction to my love of being an adrenaline-junkie, that I hadn’t realized the possible inflection or double meaning behind his words at that time.
But then it hit me.
I didn’t know the details of how exactly his mom passed away, only that she had cancer. In fact, I don’t even know what kind of cancer it was. We don’t talk about it, and I’m too scared to ask for fear of being invasive. As curious as I am and as much as I’d love for him to talk to me about it, I’d rather he do it at his own pace and comfort. I’m in no rush, after all.
But oh my goodness. I felt awful. Like downright nauseous, stomach-churning kind of awful, to think that maybe I’d been insensitive or inconsiderate towards him, even if it was unintentional. I didn’t know what to say. The conversation progressed normally for the rest of the time we spent together and I tried my best to put it out of my mind.
Once I got to work however, it was all I could think about. I kept mentally kicking myself, wondering if he thought the worst of me. By the end of my shift, I had to talk to someone about it and ended up mentioning it to one of my coworkers (whose mom also happened to pass away from cancer).
She immediately gave me a hug and told me to stop beating myself up over it, that we’re only human and these things happen. She advised me to give him a call or talk to him about it the next time I saw him since it was clearly bothering me so much.
So after my shift, I went to sit down outside and I was thoroughly overwhelmed. I felt so bad. I can’t even begin to fathom what it’s like to lose a parent, especially at such a young age. I ended up having a full-blown panic attack, hyperventilating and all, right in front of my work place LOL.
Once I calmed down a little after talking to Olivia a little (she magically happened to call at the exact moment I needed), I texted Adrian, asking him if he was free. And he immediately called, such a sweetheart.
I tried my hardest to explain (despite how choked up and sniffly I was) and he kind of went quiet at first. But when he understood what I was saying, he slowly explained that when he’d mentioned that, it was in an offhand way and not at all in the way I’d been thinking.
I assumed, yet again. You’d think with the amount of times I’ve made an ass of myself, I’d have stopped assuming (and reacting accordingly), by now. But nope. Still wearing my ass as a hat, because I keep putting my head up my butt.
(Hahhahahah okay I’ve got to admit, I cracked a smile at that last part ^)
Anyways, his friends ended up coming over in that exact moment and once I heard them in the background, I hastily assured him I was all good and he asked me to message him when I was home from work.
OH THE CRINGE.
I immediately called Olivia and told her to shoot me. Also that I was planning on walking into oncoming traffic, and that when I came back as a ghost, I’d bury myself in a hole so deep that I’d end up on the other side of world, where I could change my identity and wander the world as a mysterious ghost. Yeah, I had it all planned out. I’m still considering it to be honest, it’s a good solid plan.
I messaged him once I got home, and then put my phone in “Do Not Disturb” mode and went straight to bed, hoping a good night’s sleep would help assuage my level of cringe.
But when I woke up this morning, I woke up to texts of him asking me if I was okay. I said I was and apologized for all of it, and changed the subject hoping we’d leave it at that. But him being his incredible self, he didn’t. He texted me:
“I didn’t really get a chance to respond adequately – I’m sorry if my attentions were divided over the phone. I think it’s incredibly sweet that I mean that much to you, that you would be moved to that level. If I at all had problems with anything we talked about, I’d like to think that I’d be able to bring it up and let you know at that moment. It was just a throwaway line – but I’m in awe at your level of interpersonal awareness. I want to thank you deeply for your concern, support and empathy.”
He’s so kind. He even apologized further for possibly sounding brash over the phone, explaining that phone calls like that make him rather nervous and he wasn’t quite sure how to react. He said that hearing the level of passion and respect I had towards him over the phone made him melt a little, and he commended my level of compassion. He also mentioned that moving forward, I shouldn’t shed any tears over him and that 99.9% of the time, it’s never really that serious.
I’m doing my awkward cringe-smile right now as I type all of this, LOL.
I apologized for it all again, and then told him that if I could cringe any harder than I currently was, I’d probably turn inside out.
He’s told me not to be embarrassed, especially when it comes to taking other people’s feelings into consideration the way I did. And I know he’s right. But I can’t bring myself to open up our conversation at this moment, not for now.
I’ve said time and time again that I’m proud and accepting of how deeply I care about people. That I make no apologies for how hard I love the people I love, the depth to which I feel things.
But I’m terrified.
This whole thing made me realize how deeply I do care for him. If it wasn’t evident before, he sure as hell knows now. And that scares me.
I feel like all that old wiring I put to rest is flaring up again, I had no idea it was still there or that it was so deeply routed. The old wiring that’s telling me that I’m going to get hurt if there’s even a slight imbalance to how much I care, if there’s no mutuality or reciprocity to how I feel.
I know better, I really do – I know that pain is nowhere near as bad as we make it out to be in our head, and that fear is so much worse. I know this because I’ve lived it – my deepest fears were brought to life when Nick cheated on me. But in the end, the fear of it was so much worse than the actual thing itself. So I know better. I know better than to fear pain, or to entertain fear at all.
And that was a thing in itself, a whole unique situation with two completely different people – and I say “two completely different people” because I am no longer who I once was when I was in that particular situation.
I tell myself over and over not to live my life through the lens of my past. I can’t define my present moments by the knowledge and experience of my past ones.
So, no – this whole thing really isn’t as bad as I made it out to be. But the fear that it triggered as a result, I’m glad for. I had no idea. But I do now. And now I can fight against it with all of my new wiring. Consequently, I’m grateful for all of this, I really am.
Adrian is… unlike anyone I’ve ever met. Yesterday morning before we got out of bed, he asked to meditate with me, and we focused on our breathing together for a while before we began our day. He’s smart, so smart, and so eager to learn and explore and adventure, both inwards and outwards. And god, the way he looks at me… no one has ever looked at me like that before. I’m scared no one ever will again, if I lose this. If I lose him.
But I have to remember – if I do lose it, then it was never mine to keep. It was never meant to stay. Because everything that’s meant for me, will be for me.
I’m so grateful. I’m so incredibly thankful I got to experience something like this with someone like him, in the short time that I’ve been alive. I’ve never felt more free, or more cared for.
So yeah, it can be hard to care for someone this deeply. It can be scary as fuck. But it can also be beautiful. Full of light, full of laughter, full of freedom. It’s one of the more lovely extents of our human capacity, to care so deeply. If more people did, then maybe the world would be a better place, you know?
I can cringe at myself all I want. But at the end of the day, I’m going to pick myself up off the floor, dust myself off – and then laugh at myself, with myself. Because I can, because I’m lucky to be able to. Because no matter what, I love myself. I love myself as deeply as I can love others, and I’m so blessed to be able to. I love that I love deeply. I love how passionate I really am. I love that I try to come off as someone who has it altogether, when in truth I’m still trying to figure it out as I go along, just like anyone else.
And I guess, in the end, that’s what it really means to be at home in yourself. Even if you feel like you break a plate or two (subjectively, most of the time). You’ve got to be okay with those moments too, because they’re definitely going to happen.
It’s going to be interesting, fighting against the old wiring prompts. “Run”, they’re whispering to me. But I won’t. I couldn’t. I’d never do that to myself. So whisper all you want, Fear. I’m not listening to you.
I’m listening to Love. I’m listening to Me.
Well, all’s well that ends well!
It was a good week. Cory’s birthday was so, so much fun, and Rib Fest was everything I’d hoped for. Work’s been okay, and I had three amazing days off from it to rest and recuperate.
In this past week, I realized something.
It’s time to start compiling my book, time to start putting everything together. It’s time to share what I’ve learnt with the world. And even if it only reaches one person, in the end all that matters is that it reached someone. I haven’t learnt much but… if I can at least help one person to see things differently, then I’ll be happy.
I’ll know when to start, what it’ll entail, how it’ll turn out and what I’ll “end” it off with, as these months progress. But before this year ends, I’m going to have it done. You mark my words.
So here’s to life – messy, beautiful, full of emotion and love and laughter and tears, and everything in between.
And here’s to love. Love without fear, love full of light.