It’s been a fantastic couple of days – Olivia’s in merry olde England, I’ve come to terms with my prior embarrassment from before, spent some time with Adrian, and today was a fantastically productive day!! I got my mark back finally, now that the strike has ended, and it looks like I’ll be able to continue on with my degree after all – I got a B!!! In the one course I needed above all (with the minimum C grade requirement), I ended up acing the very last midterm I did before the strike occurred, and ended up finishing with a B. I’m so thankful and so happy!
Well, I’m fighting to be thankful and happy – there’s such a big part of me that’s so unsure about it all still that it’s a little hard to come to terms with what this means. It means I can actually go on with my degree – something I’ve put on the back-burner for the past 6-7 years of my life.
I want to do this though, I really do. I want to walk across that stage and shake whoever the hell’s hand I’ll be shaking once I finally fucking graduate. I really want this. I have to do this, for me. For me.
And so I will.
I started my book today! Or at least, I’ve begun its skeleton – I mind-mapped and did flow charts until I figured out how I’d like it to be organized, and I’m so excited!!! The process has officially begun. I’m visualizing it in my hands, the finished product. I’m visualizing Heather from “Heather’s Picks” in Indigo shaking my hand and telling me that it’s nice to meet me. I’m visualizing how it’ll feel to see copies of my book all along the featured shelves of the self-help section, and in the main part of the store. And it feels good.
It’s been a good day off. I took some time to read The Secret as well and boy, is it ever inspiring me. It’s helping me to see that the possibilities are quite literally infinite and limitless when it comes to how I want my life to look – I have absolutely no reason to settle for anything less than what I want because it’s all in my power to manifest it all into reality. Life is so incredibly beautiful and I want it to be nothing less than that in every single way possible.
I’m so inspired! I want more vision boards, I want to expand the things I see for myself and visualize them in such vivid detail until I feel every single part of my body reverberating in pure gratitude for what’s sure to come. I believe it with every single cell I am composed of.
I can see it all. I can see my life as I want it to be exactly. I have no idea why I ever thought I’d never be able to achieve what I want for myself. Quite literally, the only thing that’s been stopping me is ME! Well, no more of that. I’m going to be conspiring with the Universe now to bring about everything I want for myself because I’ve seen it happen time and time again and too frequently to know that it’s not possible. I’ve witnessed the magic of this life, the powers that be.
Every single one of my dreams are going to come true! How exciting is that!
Anyways, onto what I’ve missed these past couple days; so Olivia is currently in England living out HER dream that she manifested for herself, and I couldn’t be happier for her. In two weeks as of tomorrow, my mom and I will be joining her in England ourselves, just as I knew we would be! And better yet, we’ll be travelling to Paris for a weekend too! Ah, c’est la belle vie.
I spent this weekend with Adrian, and it was absolutely lovely. I told him something I realized myself shortly before seeing him – I’m no longer embarrassed. How could I be!?! Being embarrassed over what happened would mean that I’m embarrassed about how deeply I care about him – and the truth is, I’m not. This is how I care. This is how deeply I love. I will not make apologies for it, nor will I pretend to be any less than what I am.
He was happy though, and he understood. This past weekend… while we were lying together and he was just gazing at me, he told me that it seems as though my eyes draw in all the light, warmth and positivity from wherever we are and reflect it all back at him. I legit melted, I quite literally said, “oh, my heart.”
He was telling me all the things he liked about me both externally and internally, from the artful display of tattoos across my back to the way that I think and my outlook on life. I could barely make out the words but I honestly couldn’t help but wonder aloud how on earth I’ve gotten so lucky as to meet someone like him.
But it wasn’t completely luck (if that at all!) I asked for this. I manifested this into my life by settling for nothing less than this!
Alycia was recently reading through my logs and asked me some really insightful questions that made me think, regarding Adrian. And I’m going to take note of the answers here because the things I realized through her questions are actually quite important and things I’d like to make note of.
Alycia: “I’m at the part where you are saying how one day, you want to tell him about everything that’s been on your mind, but when is one day? What if that’s too late? What happened to that whole “tell people how you feel because you don’t know what will happen tomorrow”? (Not saying you should tell him, just wondering what your take is on that).”
Me: “I’m wrestling with that on a constant basis! I want so badly just to say it all and not expect anything in return, I want so badly for him to hear it even if I do feel he knows it, BUT – I also think the reason that I’m holding back is because I myself am not truly ready either. It was so easy for me to tell Dylan how I felt about him because the day I knew I wanted to, there were no holds barred. I think I’m waiting for that day. I don’t want any reservations of any kind. I’m going with my gut and I’m waiting for it to give me the green light. I truly believe I’ll know when the moment is and I’m not trying to plan it out (even though sometimes my brain tries to make a timeline).”
Alycia: “I’m reading your second most latest log, and you talk about work and how you realized you put people on a pedestal – do you ever think that you put Adrian on a pedestal? I also understand that you’re really taken aback by you guys’ connection too.”
Me: “That’s a really good question! I definitely see the best in him and it’s so easy to because he’s such a great person. But I also try to see the reality of who he is too – he’s definitely not perfect and I don’t want to “pedestalize” him. And there’s still so much I want to know about him, and what his past entails. So I guess it’s safe to say that I love what I know of him thus far and I’ve fallen so deeply because of all of that good. The challenge will be to love him in spite of the reality of who he is, as I get to know him further.
I’ve always fallen quick and I have no problem with that – I think love is beautiful in every way and no matter the outcome, is never a waste of time. But I do understand there is plenty I need to know in order to fall deeper and build a more solid and lasting kind of love. I’m hoping I’ll get the chance to.
I guess those two questions kind of tie in with each other – I want to tell him how I feel once we’ve had our first fight or once we’ve gone through a real hardship, once we get into some kind of conflict or endure something that changes us both. Because it’s easy to love someone when the sun is shining and your “love hormones” are pumping – if you can love someone when those hormones are replaced by stress and through those tough times, then that’s when you know it’s real. And I want it to be real before I say it out loud to him.”
So there. Man, I fall in love quite easily and hell I know I do. But I also know there’s different types of love, different degrees to love, and I want this to grow. I want to see if it can, past all the beautiful potential I can see in it, in him. I’ve already fallen once on potential alone – I can’t go and base everything on it once again. There has to be more and I’m very much aware of that.
Doesn’t mean I won’t be enjoying every single minute and moment I’m given though. And it definitely doesn’t mean I’m going to be holding back or trying to “protect myself” in any way, shape or form. I’m all in! Life’s too short to dip a toe in the water anyways.
Anyways, that’s about all for today.
Oh man, guess what!! This upcoming weekend, I’m going to be going toooooooo.. THE COTTAGE! My all-time favourite place and safe haven. I cannot WAIT! I need the quiet stillness of the lake, the soft cool breeze that rustles gently through the trees and the scent of the purest and freshest air you can possibly imagine.
Just two shifts away! I work the next two days and that’s it, I’m off!
Wow. Who would have thought that August would be such an incredible month eh!? Here’s to living in the moment and making it the best it can possibly be.
Here’s to a life lived in fulfillment of every single shining, beautiful and infinite possibility. I’m about to Law of Attraction the shit out of my life and I hope you do the same for yourself.
Love always and in every single way there is possible,