Well helloooooo September! It’s been a great start to the month I must say, but holy crap I can’t believe we’re in the final third of this year! I’m almost a little sad – this year has been so, so incredibly good that a part of me doesn’t want it to end. But, I do know that as time goes on, things can only get better regardless of what point in time we’re in or what year it currently is. (Still – 2018, you’ve been hella good to me).
I’ve got quite a little bit to catch up on; Adrian and I went to the CNE together, I went back to work, and I’ve officially began school today! August drew to a close in the loveliest way possible and September has started off with a refreshing bang.
And today in itself contained a multitude of little realizations and lessons that I’d quite like to make note of, so onwards with the catching up!
So after my last log, I did do exactly as I said I would – I packed up some stuff and headed straight over to Adrian’s, where we were finally reunited once more (LMFAO WHY AM I LIKE THIS).
No but seriously though – it was sooooooooo good to see him, I’d missed him a lot. And I got to meet his new kitten!!! She’s the sweetest little thing, so playful and affectionate and they’re so perfect for one another. He’s literally like a proud new dad – he got so happy and excited whenever she did something new or different, and it melted my heart every single time. Sighhhhhhhhhh.
Anyways, we went to the CNE together and it was so much fun! I like how alike we are in the way we do things and what we want – we pretty much went straight for the food, LMAO. After that, we got some ride tickets and went on some of the rides together, and played some of the midway games as well.
I’d never been on the big ski lift thingy that spans across the whole park, and somehow it ended up happening that we got to go on it for free! While we were on it, I asked him if we could take a picture together, which he was all for.
At first, we took a regular selfie together right? And in my head, I was thinking that for the second one, I wanted to get one of me kissing him on the cheek. But right when I turned my head, so did he!!!! Turns out we were thinking along the exact same lines (as per usual) and ended up kissing each other instead, heh. Either way, it made out (HAHA PUNNY) for an even cuter candid picture than I’d intended.
It was such a lovely date, and as always the CNE was the perfect way to end the summer. At one point while we were waiting in line together for a ride, I looked up at him and I couldn’t help but tell him how amazing this summer has been, with him especially. And it really has been – we’ve had fun together and I’ve grown to enjoy his company so incredibly much. It’s always effortless and easy when it comes to the two of us.
His reply was so incredibly cute – he pulled me close and kissed me, and was like, “Wanna have an even better Fall?”
And me (being the clever little cheeseball that I am), I replied, “I think I already have…” (am I good or am I good though???? LOLOLOL). [Geddit ’cause like, I’ve already “fallen” for him… just in case you didn’t get it initially, heh].
But in all seriousness though, his reply made me really happy because it denoted another season of us continuing this and continuing to see one another as we have been for the past five months or so. And it’s been an amaaaazing past couple months.
I mean, I know it’s not going to be super easy per se – I have school now on top of my job, and he’s got both of his jobs to juggle on top of adopting a tiny kitten. So in order to make time for one another, it’s definitely going to have to take some effort. But for this, I’m ready and willing to do so. For him, I’ll do my due diligence. We’ll see what’s in store for us, as summer wanes away and the pretty golden magical haze fades into the crisp chill of the fall.
Anyways, that’s about it on that!
I went back to work on the first of September, but then I had a couple more days off and it was actually quite nice because I was able to enjoy a little bit more summer before school began today! I had a fun dinner with Leila and Cory and caught up with them, and I even went back to the CNE to spend some time with Krystal and Chad (and also to indulge in some more wild and wacky food that you’d only find at the CNE).
And yesterday, (the 4th), Olivia and I spent the whole day together just vegging out, talking, and eventually we went to go see a movie together in theaters, just for the heck of it. (We were also really super high and it was a shark movie, so that was quite a thrill LMAO). All in all, it was a great way to end this summer.
So far, the weather isn’t reflecting this transitional period of the year, but I so look forward to the temperature dropping to what it’s soon to become. Nevertheless though, I am enjoying those last warm rays of the sun while I can, because all too soon it’ll be winter and I won’t feel that heat for some time to come. So, I’m happy. In all moments, in every way, no matter what the current state of the weather is.
Which brings me to today, which was an oddly illuminating day for me.
I’m going to be straight up, balls out honest about everything I went through today, in order to convey to you the degree to which I myself am still learning about who I want to be versus who I once was.
This morning when I woke up, the first thing I did was check my phone and my social media apps (which is a habit I think I would very much like to break out of, by the way).
And the first thing I saw when I opened Instagram, was a picture of my ex Nick with his beautiful brand new girlfriend. Oh and, might I mention, he was topless (and looking fit as heck), and she was wearing a bikini (and she’s even fitter).
Immediately, I felt my stomach sink, even in my half-conscious state. Which then triggered a series of thoughts – “why do I feel like this? I’m over him! I’ve moved on! Why does seeing this post make me feel like this? And why did he post this all of a sudden!? Could it be in retaliation to the fact that I recently posted a picture of Adrian and I? But seriously though, why do I feel like this!?!?!?!?!?” And, in my half-awake state, I promptly proceeded to mute both his stories and posts because I didn’t want to see any posts like that of his any longer.
Two seconds later after putting my phone down, I realized what I’d done. I’d given into my old impulses of who I once used to be. I immediately picked my phone back up, un-muted him, and then went straight back to that picture he’d posted.
And then I looked at them. Like, really looked at them, I zoomed in and everything (thanks to Instagram’s handy update, I was able to do so). I studied her beautiful smile that matched his so well. I gazed at the way his hand was clasped around her waist, the way it once used to be around mine. And I smiled. I genuinely smiled, from the inside out. And with all of my might, I thought in my head, “I am so happy for you. I am so happy for you“. And I meant it. I felt the happiness course throughout my entire body, I felt it flood my being. Ultimately, all I really want for him, for them both, is to be just as happy as I have been. Everyone deserves to experience that kind of happiness, and regardless of what he and I have gone through, he’s no exception.
So I liked the post, and put my phone away. And that was that.
Now, did I think about it here and there throughout my day? You betcha! Because, I’m only human. But, did I think about it in the same way I did when I first saw it? No. Now I was able to think about it, wish them well, and then let go. Because I interrupted that initial pattern of thought before it could solidify, and I changed its course. My level of self-awareness was able to do that for me. I, was able to do that for me.
Carrying on with my day – I had work before I had school, so off I went to my shift. While I was standing at my event, I vaguely thought “I feel like I’m going to see someone that I know today, like from high school or something”. And sure enough, during my shift, I did end up seeing someone I once knew from high school! But more on this later, the benefits of strengthening my intuition and whatnot.
Once I’d finished my shift, I was so excited and happy to be leaving and so ready to start my official first day of school. But for some reason on my way out, security was blocking the door right? And it also seemed like he was specifically waiting for me, because other people were passing with no problem. He asked if I was done for the day, and when I happily confirmed that I was, he asked to take a look in my purse.
Now normally, this is pretty standard procedure for where I work, so I had no problems with it whatsoever. But in this particular case, rather than just taking a quick peek into my bag, he started invasively poking through all my stuff, asking me where I’d gotten my lipsticks or if I’d made any purchases today. I did happen to have a sample of a new fragrance we’d just launched, which he also looked at extensively before proceeding to ask if I had any other product with me.
It was… weird. And a little too abrasive, that it made me uncomfortable. Especially because this particular dude and I usually get along just fine, so it was a little disconcerting for him to be treating me the way that he was. It almost felt… personal.
A little shaken, I went down to get the rest of my stuff before heading back out into the mall to catch my train. But before I headed out, I stopped to collect myself as well.
The old-me narrative was going full-fledged in my head, “what the flying fuck was that for!? Did I do something wrong? Were they watching me on camera, was I acting shady or something to the point that I warranted treatment like that!?! Why was he so callous, why did he act like he was so sure he was going to find something when I’ve clearly done nothing!?” I was on the brink of a panic attack, in all honesty – I’ve already had an unintentional brush with security due to a misunderstanding when I’d first started this job, so it was bringing back some old feelings of fear and paranoia that I experienced a very long time ago.
So I breathed. I breathed as calmly as I could until the voice in my head quietened down. I became very aware of the frequency I was emitting – fear, hurt, anxiety, stress, worry and resentment. The more I let my thoughts feed that frequency, the more it gained the power to potentially ruin my day. So what did I do instead?
I switched my focus. As I walked through the mall, I focused on how nice it felt when this group of young girls complimented me on my shoes and also told me how pretty I was. I focused on how happy it made me to talk with a stranger about my trip to Paris and how he’d recently gone himself. I switched my frequency to operate on positivity and happiness, even though that wasn’t quite what I was feeling in those moments… at first. As I walked through the mall, I smiled. I smiled to myself, I smiled at strangers, and thought about how excited I was to be going to class after all this time.
And just like that, my whole demeanor changed. Because I consciously chose to stop feeding the angry thoughts, to stop fueling the fear. Because I chose to feed the positive thoughts instead, to focus on feeling happy no matter what it took.
I wasn’t repressing how I felt or stuffing it away – that wasn’t my intention. I was merely casting my focus elsewhere for the time being in order to not let what happened ruin my mood or cast a pall on the rest of my day. I made a conscious decision to react in a way that ultimately benefitted me, and made it to school.
But once it was time for me to get to class… the anxiety came back. It was already set off due to what had happened. As I walked through those halls, old memories flooded back. The staircase where Nick told me he cheated on me. The classrooms I used to sit in with him, while he had his lectures. The places my friends and I used to hang out before they all graduated and went on with their lives.
So the whole way to my lecture, I focused on my breathing again. Slowly, in through my nose and out through my mouth, until I calmed myself once more enough to walk into my class. And there, everything changed.
Half way through my incredible lecture with a prof I know I’m going to love, I realized where I was and what I was doing. I did it – I finally got the mark I needed in Psych in order to carry on with my degree!!!! After six years of struggling with my marks, with my anxiety, with my guilt and fear and shame and uncertainty, after years of dropping out, getting suspended for a year for failing, re-enrolling and dropping out once more, I’d finally made it. I was finally doing something that I wanted, on my terms, for me. FOR ME.
After my lecture ended, I went outside and sat down in the middle of campus by myself, close to the subway station. I popped in my earphones, kicked my feet up and let the cool breeze of the summer night wash over me as the day came to a close. I looked around at the campus and suddenly had yet another realization that changed everything – this was my place. This school was no longer a place of old memories that held me captive because I am not the person I once was when I wandered these halls before.
Instead of causing me anxiety, this was my chance to start afresh. To find new hidden places to read and to study, to create opportunities to make this place my new safe haven, a place all my own.
I’ve written quite a bit today and in detail on the things I’ve experienced in this day alone. But the gist of it all?
WE HAVE SO MUCH MORE CHOICE THAN EVEN WE OURSELVES REALIZE WE DO!!!!! My god, we struggle so hard to control every single thing outside of ourselves to the point that we fail to remember the exorbitant amount of sheer power we have to control what’s happening from within.
I could have let that security guard, that post, or my anxiety about returning to school ruin my entire day. I could have let it all burn to the ground, and proceeded to come home, frustrated and exhausted, and potentially taken it out on my unassuming family (who had a great day themselves – you see the chain reaction this could have caused?)
Instead, I came home, and when my mom and my sister came downstairs to ask me about how my day was, I told them it was amazing. I told them all about the high points, and briefly mentioned whatever else occurred. And instead of dwelling, I relished in my triumphs over myself. The victories of new-me versus old-me.
I won’t lie – it requires a shit-ton amount of discipline and self-awareness to change the course of your thought processes, your emotions, and even your reactions. But I sure as hell would rather fight through those old neural-wiring pathways with everything I’ve got and live a life of real quality, than live on autopilot in the same old habits and destructive thought patterns that amount to nothing but a steadily mediocre pathway to an inevitable death.
And I guarantee you this – it’s worth it. My days are so much better, so much more peaceful, filled to the brim with real happiness and contentment, because I understand that every single moment I experience in my day presents me with a choice. Either I let life happen to me, blindly – or, I make life happen for me, consciously.
What a day eh!? And to top it all off – as I was talking with Olivia, I mentioned that instance to her, the one where I ran into that person I knew in high school the way I had a feeling I would earlier on in the day. I told her how happy that made me, because one of my personal goals at the start of this year was to strengthen my intuition and to learn how to properly listen to it. We joked that I was becoming psychic, and I mused that maybe my strengthening intuition was bending time from its usual linear structure.
Right before I decided to head to bed, I noticed my sister’s copy of The Alchemist on the table in the living room. And for the heck of it, I picked it up and held it in my hands, and asked the Universe to tell me something. Anything. I opened it up to a random page, and proceeded to read the first passage my eyes landed on. This was the passage:
“…was also learning the universal language that deals with the past and the present of all people. “Hunches”, his mother used to call them. The boy was beginning to understand that intuition is really a sudden immersion of the soul into the universal current of life, where the histories of all people are connected, and we are able to know everything, because it’s all written there.
“Maktub“, the boy said, remembering the crystal merchant.”
Magic. This life is pure magic, through and through. How else do I explain any of that? This passage directly addresses what intuition is, in the most beautiful way. And it ends off with the very phrase I have tattooed onto my rib cage, a phrase that I believe without a single doubt as time continues on… maktub. It is written.
My eyes are still filling up with grateful tears as I type this now, the same way they did when I first read that passage.
I am so, so thankful. Thank you Universe, thank you Me, thank you, thank you, thank you. May gratitude be the only frequency I allow myself to operate on, for the rest of my entire life.
Love always and in every way there is imaginable,