Day 249 to 256 – September 6th to 13th, 2018

Hello! It’s been quite a little while since I’ve written last, but you know what I was thinking actually? I haven’t really written this year as much as I did last year, interestingly enough. I feel like it’s a good thing though, like I made note of the most important things that have happened and all the little ways in which I’ve grown within this past year.

It’s gotten so busy! I forgot how time-consuming it is to juggle school and working almost full-time on top of everything else I do for myself. I mean, it hasn’t become overwhelming or anything (little voice in my head sneakily says “yet”) but so far, so good. In fact, it feels nice to be this busy sometimes – the days pass by quicker and they feel more full, and it’s also teaching me on the fly how to manage my time better. Because if I don’t, then I’m going to end up feeling like I don’t have enough of it, when really I do – it’s just a matter or budgeting it wisely.

I’ve taken up drawing again as an outlet! Every night after I come home from either work or school, I set aside an hour or so before I go to sleep to just listen to music, quiet my mind, and draw away. And I’ve also started bringing my book with me to school so that if I have any free time in between classes, I have something other to do than just watch Netflix, heh.

Here’s the thing though – I haven’t really had much time to start my book. It’s still there in my head, collecting dust and eagerly waiting to be brought to life. But I don’t know… for some reason, I can’t bring myself to really start. I want it to be a priority, but I have so much on my plate lately that I can’t give it the time it deserves. So what I want to do somehow, is cut down my hours at work just a bit more. On top of having school, trying to go to the gym time to time, drawing, writing when I can, spending time with people and keeping up with everyone in my life, I’d like more time to designate to my book because it’s very, very important to me.

I don’t like that work still feels like a focal point to me right now. It’s supposed to be a part time job, something that I do for temporary financial reasons while I focus on everything else in my life. I very much enjoy what I do there and I’m so grateful for the job, I just don’t want it to be the thing that takes up most of my time and energy when there’s so much else I have to and want to do for myself.

So when Maria gets back from vacation, I’ll give her a gentle nudge to remind her that I only want about 20 to 25 hours a week, rather than the 30-40 she’s still giving me. I can’t work full-time, do school full-time, maintain my relationship and friendships, take care of my overall well-being AND do the things I like to do for myself, all at once; I know my capacity and working full-time right now just can’t be a thing.

This week is the only exception – my whole team is going on their trip to Italy and Maria’s leaving me charge of the whole week they’re away, from sales to designating the rest of the team who’s staying behind with me for coverage. Basically, I’m taking over the counter manager position temporarily. I have to do it because out of everyone, I’m the one who’s been there the longest and who knows how things work. So the week’s $7000 dollar target is essentially reliant upon me and how well I can co-ordinate the rest of the team.

I’m not worried. I know the Universe has my back. I can’t control anything outside of me, only how I react and perceive things from within. I’m truly going to do the best I can do and put my leadership skills to use, but that’s about it. I’m not going to go above and beyond, nor am I going to take it upon myself or worry about the targets or anything of the sort. I know my priorities and I know what’s important to me. Ultimately, as long as I do my best, it doesn’t really matter what else ends up happening. Nevertheless, I have complete faith that absolutely everything will work out amazingly well, as everything has been for me since I’ve introduced The Secret into my life. The Universe is constantly looking out for me and having things work out in my favour. I need nothing more.

It feels really nice to write again. I forgot how soothing it is for me to do these self check-ins, I forget time and time again as life picks up its pace.

Maintaining perspective is an interesting thing. I know what I know, I’ve read what I’ve read, and yet as I go about my days I find myself having to constantly remind myself that this is all temporary (and possibly a simulation!!!) and that nothing matters as much as we make it out to matter. (Stressful things, worrisome things, fears and anxieties). The more I let go of my attachment to the unnecessary, the more at peace I find myself. Every exchange, every conversation and every interaction I have becomes a learning experience in itself as I observe myself more and more.

Everything is energy. I want to go where mine takes me, as I continuously learn to listen to my inner voice and deepest self. As time goes on though, I can feel “old me” becoming a distant memory – those ego-driven impulses and reactive patterns are steadily losing their potency as I actively work on re-wiring myself.

For example – Radha and I finally hung out since I’ve got back from vacation and at first, it seemed really nice! She apologized if it felt like she was continuing on about herself, and she seemed to be in a better place now than she was when we last hung out in August – much more go with the flow and open to the possibility of things rather than so attached to the process and outcome.

But then as we were walking back to her car, she said something that in retrospect could have easily thrown me off completely had I not been mindful about my reactions.

So she’s currently seeing a new guy, and things are going well thus far. And lately, I’ve been doing my best to consistently remind her to love herself and build herself up, encourage her. As we were walking, I mentioned to her that she looked great and guys were checking her out left and right.

And seemingly out of the blue, she suddenly mentioned that she’d shown a picture of me to the guy she’s seeing, and told him about how gorgeous I was. And then she said that he looked at me and went, “eh, she’s alright”. To which she replied to him, “why, is it because I’m prettier?”, and he replied back something along the lines about how I was “okay” but he much preferred her features over mine, or something like that.

At first, I actually didn’t know what to say. I quickly affirmed that she was indeed beautiful and didn’t need to doubt it and left it at that, but my mind was reeling honestly.

It hurt man! And no, not because of some irrelevant dude’s opinion which I couldn’t care less about. It hurt because Radha and I are supposed to be friends!!!! We’re supposed to be building each other up, encouraging each other and helping each other grow. I understand where it came from, I really do – I get that somewhere in her mind, she feels like she’s got to compare herself to me in some extent as a measure of personal success, but it’s also at my expense.

I’m very happy with myself and I love me deeply – but that doesn’t mean it’s cool to show some random dude my picture and then proceed to put me down in order to build yourself up. In any relationship, you pull each other through rather than race towards some invisible finish line that doesn’t exist.

I know she’s not doing it intentionally – in fact, I know she’s a really, really good person with absolutely amazing intentions and a kind soul. She wouldn’t hurt a fly if it didn’t bother her. But I also know that people who aren’t completely whole in themselves aren’t quite aware of the ways they use other people.

People who aren’t ready for relationships (namely people who don’t completely and wholly love themselves, who have taken the time to understand the inner mechanics of their minds and reactive patterns, people who don’t care to cultivate their thoughts and emotions to become self-aware, people who haven’t taken the proper measures to heal their past wounds for themselves) end up taking it out on their partner. They use their significant other as an emotional punching bag, sometimes without even realizing. But what they fail to realize is that by not taking the time to heal and love themselves, their latent pain is inevitably causing pain to those closest to them.

It’s like this quote I recently read: “if you don’t take the time to heal your past wounds, you will end up bleeding all over those who never cut you in the first place.”

Right now, Radha is kind of sort of bleeding on me without even realizing it. In her mind, there are some aspects of our friendship that are more so a competition than something we can build upon together.

If I wasn’t aware of this, if it were old me in this situation, I’d let it slide and inevitably end up building an unconscious resentment towards her. Instead, when the time is right, I’m going to talk to her about this as gently as I can. Sometimes people aren’t aware of the things they do or say or the effects they have on others until it’s pointed out to them. So, I want to act from a place of compassion and care and let her know that I’m here as a friend to encourage her to be her best self, and in turn she truly does not need to put me down or use me as a stepping stone in order to ensure her idea of self-appreciation and self-esteem.

Anyways, that’s about it regarding that! Before I go, I’m going to conclude this on a nice high note and talk about the last time Adrian and I hung out, quite recently.

It had been awhile since he and I had hung out before that – I hadn’t seen him since our CNE date at the end of August, and we were well into September. I started school and was juggling work on top of it all, and he had back to back shifts and crazy hours that didn’t allow us an opportunity to see each other or even talk as much as we normally do.

I was beginning to let old doubts creep in again – my inner peace was disturbed as I began to imagine the worst. In retrospect it seems almost silly, but in those moments it was all I could think about (because I let myself lose control of my thoughts and consequently, my emotions). I began to even dread possibly seeing him next, fearing he didn’t want to hang out because he was potentially losing feelings.

(Side note – do you see how our minds can turn on us and become our worst enemies over practically nothing!?!?!?! Do you see how important it is to cultivate a steady stream of positive thinking, as well as be mindful of your thoughts? If you even let a single negative thought in, it’s like letting a spark catch on the edge of a forest – you’re sure to start a blaze hot enough to burn ALL the trees down. And who in their right mind wants to do that to themselves?!)

Fear is awful. It twists and turns even the most radical and ridiculous thoughts into ideas that seem almost real or tangible, when in reality they’re not. Fear is the monster in the closet, the toxic friend who pretends to have our best interests at heart when really, it just wants us to itself.

So how do you counter fear?

Faith. Faith, trust and love. Faith is the beam of light that illuminates even the darkest and unreachable corners of the closet. Trusting in the process is the hard conversation you have with that toxic friend that finally cuts ties with it. Love is the shield that protects you from thoughts and emotions that serve you no use – negative thoughts have nowhere to grow or spread when love is the frequency you operate on.

When we finally did end up making plans, I felt nervous that whole day. So instead of feeding my fears, I decided to feed my faith instead. I said openly to myself that I had complete faith in whatever was meant to be, and meant for me. I decided to trust in the process – so what if we hadn’t been texting as much lately? It didn’t matter, and I knew better than to hold stock in texting patterns or even content. What matters most to me is our in-person interactions, the ones where I can hear his voice and see the look in his eyes as he gazes as me.

And I chose love – I chose to remain vulnerable, to maintain the excited “tone” in my texts, even to come up with a little surprise for him instead of expecting the worst (an old defense mechanism I will no longer partake in).

Guess which side of me was right? Do you think my fears were valid at all? Or that I was right to have faith, to stay vulnerable, and trust the process?

If you picked the latter, you’re absolutely right. And ultimately, so was I.

Once we saw each other, all was well. It was exactly as it’s always been. In fact, in person he made a point of telling me how much he’d missed me and how amazing I looked. He ended up surprising me by taking me to his favourite Italian restaurant in another town, he’d even made a reservation for it. Everything I needed to know was in the way he looked at me. In fact, I could barely look his way because he was gazing at me so much that it made me nervous, heh.

We had an incredible night, and spent the majority of the next day together as well. We ended up in amazing conversations as per usual – but this time, I was making a point of being more vulnerable and more honest, challenging myself. I got to ask him a ton of questions I’ve been mulling over in my mind, about his family and about his mom passing from cancer, about his friendships and about his relationship with his dad. We talked about his deepest dreams for himself, and I opened up about the state of my own friendships too.

Later on when we were simply lying together and enjoying each other’s company, I pushed myself to be even more vulnerable than I was used to; I asked him if it ever freaked him out, how much it seemed like we’d known each other for so long even though it’d only been about five months of seeing one another. He replied that he was still mind-boggled by our similarities and the coincidences that surround us, and I agreed. But then I took it a step further and admitted that for what seemed like such a short time… I’d fallen for him quite a bit. “Like… a lot”, were the exact words I used, LOL.

At first it was quiet, and all I could hear was my heart racing into the silence. Then I felt him shift and sit up – he gently pulled me forward so that he could kiss me ever so sweetly, and then told me that he likes me a lot, too. It was a perfect heart-stopping magical moment that made me so, so incredibly happy.

It also proved to me how amazing and incredible it can be to be vulnerable with someone. We go about life with all these walls up, trying to protect ourselves from pain (yet another by-product of fear). But in actuality, the beauty of life, real intimacy, and the ability to truly connect with another soul comes from our capacity to be vulnerable. Chances are if we’re the first to let our walls down, the other person’s walls come down too. (And even if they don’t that’s okay, because lowering your own walls is a sign of personal strength and all we’re really trying to do in this life is be our best selves, right?)

Anyways, as a result I’m so much more at peace with pretty much every aspect of my life now. He openly admitted he’s a horrible texter – he’s got messages from his close friends from over a week ago that he has yet to respond to. As much as he tries to make me a priority, life gets in the way sometimes. And you know what? I don’t care.

Because I can feel how much he’s missed me when he’s holding me close in person. I can see how deeply he cares about me when we’re talking about life, when he’s asking me about the things that matters to me and listening intently. Because when we’re together, he makes me feel like the only woman in the world. Because he makes me feel like a goddess, because he respects me deeply and he makes a point of telling me how much he appreciates having me in his life. Because of the ways he makes me laugh and always keeps a smile on my face. Because of how the way he kisses me makes my head spin, a euphoric daze I can feel all the way down to the tips of my fingers and toes.

Those are the things I need. Most people have “wants” they think they need fulfilled as a measurement to how much someone else may care about them. Adrian fulfills the core of my needs, the things I can’t compromise on. Everything else, I don’t care for. In fact, I like all the little ways that he’s not perfect. Because in every other way… he’s perfect, for me.

And so, I am at ease. More than anything, I truly believe he and I were meant to meet. In fact, I feel like the Universe almost bended in order to have our paths collide. How else can you explain the series of circumstances that led us to meeting one another, and the synchronicities surrounding us since?

I need to remember this, and continue to feed my faith. Continue to trust this amazingly beautiful process, and stay vulnerable.

Wow! What a great log this turned into. I forgot how much I actually love talking to myself, LMAO. I hope this is how people feel after talking to me too!

I’m going to draw this to a close now. I don’t know when I’m going to write next – tomorrow begins my series of shifts, I’ll pretty much be working every single day until they get back and doing full-time hours. On the bright side, Leila and I are going to have dinner together and I can’t wait! It’ll be so nice to catch up with her and spend some time with her. I appreciate her presence in my life and I’m so in awe in how much we’ve grown together.

Fack, one more thing before I go – speaking of my friendships, it kind of feels like Avery has been distancing himself lately, but I can’t speak too much on that because it’s mostly an assumption on my part. I’ve messaged him, and in our last conversation it didn’t seem like he was in a great place so I’m kind of concerned for him. I trust his process though, if he’s going through any hardship I’m sure it’ll only serve to grow him further. I’ll definitely ask him to hang out some time and really see how he’s doing.

Okay, that’s it! Wish me luck for this upcoming week, it’s going to be a doozy! But a good week, nonetheless.

Wishing you tons of light and love and laughter!

Love always,

Me.

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