Hello! It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written last, and I’ve got quite a bit to update myself on at this point, but mostly all good stuff on the bright side! I honestly don’t even know what I wrote about last, but I suppose this is a good time to basically wrap up how the rest of this month went – I can’t believe it’s practically over!
Let’s see… so last week, I worked full-time because my team went away and I was left in charge. Did we manage to get that target done?
You BEST BELIEVE WE DID! Not only that, we successfully achieved the target that I personally set out for, which was over-plan. But holy shit, was it ever hard. For some reason towards the end of the week, it turned into an all out warfare between my team and I versus Ali.
He was blatantly trying to sabotage us, no doubt for his own personal gain, and honestly at some times it got really testy. Thank goodness I can maintain perspective and know that there are much more important things in life than just achieving a target in sales, but truthfully the reason that this week became so important to me was because I wanted to achieve this target for Maria.
She reminds me sooooo much of my own mom – hard-working, honest, diligent, with a massive soft heart underneath what seems like a tough exterior. I wanted her to enjoy this trip stress-free because she so truly deserved to be on it for all of the hard work she does. This job is not just a job to her – it’s the way she puts food on the table, the means by which she pays for her daughter’s extensive US tuition costs, and so much more. Not to mention, she fought hard to get me the job I now currently have, the job that pays for all my trips and allows me the freedom to do what I want and live how I’d like.
I usually don’t concern myself too much with my job – I very much enjoy it, but I never, ever care about it as deeply as everyone else does in my department, and I truthfully believe that that’s how I maintain my good terms with everyone, and my sanity.
But this week was a bit of a different story, and I’ll openly admit that I cared a little more than I usually do, all for a good cause.
We did it though! We did it, and then I was able to have some days off from work. Only for some reason, it didn’t really feel like days off – I’m not sure what I did, I know I had school and I was busy and spending time with people and what not. Either way, long story short is that it’s all caught up with me to a certain extent and my body sent me a very serious series of warnings this past week. But more on that later.
Earlier this week, Adrian and I spent some time together after I finally got some time to myself, and oh man how incredible it was. He made a point of holding me close and making sure I was relaxed and stress-free, especially after taking the time to listen to me vent about the week before. He’s so ridiculously sweet and attentive to the littlest of details – he made me waffles, and he was curiously watching me as I cut them into eighths LOL. I like that he both enjoys and notes my weird little quirks.
We got into a really deep discussion about the nature of fear, and he made some valid points that helped me to see fear in a completely different way. I was telling him how much I disliked fear, because I felt that fear held us back in life. He saw it a different way – he claimed that he couldn’t imagine living life in any kind of “-less”. Fearless, painless, etc. When I asked why, he explained that without those things, we wouldn’t quite be able to value certain things. For example, nothing would require “bravery” anymore, if we were fearless. How would we know the true value of an act if we didn’t face our fear to get to the other side? What would courage count for? Being completely fearless, how would we know when something was truly important?
I like that he makes me think in different ways like this. Actually, I more than like it, I love it so and I appreciate so much that we can have conversations like that. I can’t imagine having it any other way at this point.
There were these cute little moments while we were hanging out that I want to make note of for myself – like when we were talking about periods, and how women can get pretty cray-cray during that time of month, and we were joking that it must be impossible to maintain relationships with girls who had it that bad. I was telling him about how I cried over a bug being in the microwave, and how I tend to get rather emotional when I’m close to or on my period. And as though he were thinking out loud to himself, he was like, “okay that’s not that bad! I can handle stuff like that”. (Phew).
And there was this one point where we were talking about our age difference, and I was marvelling at the fact that when I was in grade 11, he was in grade 8!!! (Holy crap I really am such a cougar). And then he was like, “yeah but when you’re 87 and I’m 84, then look who’ll be laughing…” and HOLY CRAP, I was SO HAPPY, but I tried so hard to rein it in and just laughed it off. It’s quite funny how happy it makes me when he even slightly relates to any point in the future when it comes to us.
Anyways, that was earlier on in the week – half way through the week, Maria finally came back and she was so happy about the fact that we managed to hit our target! It was so nice to see such a massive smile on her face, she’d enjoyed her time away in Italy so, so much and it warmed my heart to see her that stress-free.
And then yesterday, Adrian and I had planned earlier on in the week to go to a Fall Fair that was happening close to where he lived. But when yesterday came around…
Okay, this is what had happened. Through the week, we weren’t texting too much (not that we do that often as it is, which I’ve already grown accustomed to). But then the day of, he still hadn’t said anything about our plans, and yet another one of my old wounds came to the forefront.
Once upon a time when I was in my relationship with Nick, there were times where we would make plans with one another… and then he’d completely forget. And me being in the fragile, self-loathing, insecure person I once was, I’d completely break down. All that it meant to me was that I didn’t matter to him, that I wasn’t a priority, that I wasn’t important enough to remember, even if it was just plans to hang out.
So yesterday morning when I woke up and I wasn’t sure whether or not he’d remembered if we had plans, my anxiety got triggered due to this old wound that I had no idea still resided within me.
When he finally texted, I was cautious and afraid. Did he remember? Had he forgotten? Was he going to cancel?
Ultimately, he did remember and didn’t cancel, but even then my anxiety wasn’t going away. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t as much a priority to him that he was to me. (I know, this sounds crazy – but when your thoughts start to take over, it can take you to places that seem completely “logical”, even when they’re not.)
I also think it was residual anxiety from not making time for myself in quite sometime, but nevertheless this was the matter at the forefront of my mind.
Later on in the day when I was finally about to leave, I texted him to let him know that I was headed out. As I was walking towards the bus stop, all of a sudden he called. I answered, and the first thing he abruptly said was that his dad was unexpectedly returning back from his Italy trip that evening, and that I couldn’t sleep over. I was kind of caught off guard (I hadn’t been intending to stay over anyways) so I kind of stammered out a meek “okay”, before hanging up.
I knew that he was kind of worried about his new kitten being at home when his dad came back (seeing as his dad had no idea that Adrian had gotten her at all), so I stopped and sat at the bleachers in the field in my neighbourhood, and asked him if he wanted to reschedule and that I wouldn’t mind at all if he did.
But honestly? My anxiety was kicked into overdrive for some reason. I don’t know if it was because of the way he sounded over the phone, but suddenly I didn’t want to go anymore. I messaged Olivia that I was freaking out, and what she said made so much sense. I had talked to her about it earlier, and this is what she had to say:
“I think if your anxiety is stemming from the conclusion that you came to what you’re not high on his list of priorities (remember, that’s not concrete based on your inferences) then I think you’re holding yourself back and feeling anxious because you’re actually afraid of getting hurt which you can’t blame yourself for but at the same time, not going might be giving into your old fears and retreating back to old you, you know?
Like you said, it’s always so nice when you get to spend time together, but remember to keep in mind that maybe this is his way of protecting himself too – especially after being so fresh out of a long relationship, you know? So as much as he cares about you and you about him and despite how well you guys get along, it won’t be without some obstacles. But, he clearly still wants to spend time with you! And you know that he likes you A LOT. Don’t let that fear overrule all that.”
At the exact same time she was saying all of that, Adrian was assuring me he still wanted to hang out and he was sure it’d all be fine. He even apologized for how he came off on the phone – he’d been sleeping when his brother called him with the news that his dad was flying in, and woken up in a panic as a result.
Olivia was right. I was scared, and not for all those little surface reasons. I was scared because once upon a time, I was the person who seemingly cared more, and I’m the one who ended up hurt in that situation (with Nick). And so as a result, I’d unassumingly developed a fear of any kind of imbalance when it comes to emotions and reciprocity.
I am so completely certain of how I feel about Adrian. Yeah, it didn’t take long and frankly, I don’t give a shit. You don’t go through what I’ve gone through in this life and not end up knowing who you are and what you want from life, what you want from others or what you’re looking for when it comes to being with someone.
I’ve spent the past year and a half of my life carefully cultivating exactly who I wanted to be, what I wanted from my life, and re-working every single aspect of my self and my life that I could no longer tolerate or live with. I broke down, burst into flames and rose up from the ashes a new person completely. Yes, I still have old wounds I’m clearly working on. Yes, there are still some ghosts that haunt me. But I’ll be damned if I don’t see this for what it is.
I kind of feel like Ted from How I Met Your Mother – I’m not done the series yet, but from what I gather, Ted is telling the story of how he met “the one” – the mother of his kids, the woman he relentlessly searched for, the woman who fulfilled everything he was searching for right down to the littlest of details that were so specific, it’s almost as though she were specifically made for him.
I’m still getting to know Adrian, but right now that’s what it feels like. He’s perfect for me in ways I couldn’t have even thought I could possibly thought of for myself in someone else – the multilingualism, the way he pursued what he loved in school (his history degree, a subject that I myself always had a love for growing up), the fact that he can quite literally cook my favourite food in the whole world because THAT’S WHERE HE’S FROM. How? How did I meet someone like this? And how do I explain the magic that surrounds this, all the “coincidences” that keep happening, the similarities that we share? From the paper with the inexplicable words that his mom left in her drawer that I just happened to quote, to finding a course taught by someone with my name and his last name, a course called “Energy”, and the course code being the date of my birthday???
Can you see why I feel the way I feel? Why I’m so certain of this? Because, in the past year and a half of my life while I was dead set on rewiring myself, I also began to learn about the Universal Language of the World, the “synchronicities”, the vibrational energy, how to read the signs and see the omens and listen to my innermost self, my intuition. Why did I come across all of that and learn it in the ways that I did, if not also for this? If not for preparing me for meeting someone like this?
Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m overreaching, maybe I’m just a die-hard eternal romantic and I always will be. Or maybe… just maybe… it’s more than that.
So why am I so afraid?
Because I’m scared that I’m the only one who feels like this. I’m scared that he’s nowhere near as certain as I am. I’m scared that this is so much more important to me (as a result of this certainty), than it is to him.
And that’s what I was dealing with while I was sitting there on those bleachers.
Eventually though, Olivia’s words got through to me. If I couldn’t be “fearless”, then I could at least be brave. I decided to fight through my fear and go to see him despite my brain screaming at me to go back home.
Because a part of me knows that while my fear is showing me how important this is, it’s also stemming from a place of attachment to the outcome. And I can’t live my life that way. I have to keep reminding myself – NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS WITH THIS, here is where I learned that life can reward you beautifully for truly taking the time to get to know and love yourself, no holds barred. I met this incredible, intelligent, compassionate, considerate, sexy as hell, ridiculously hilarious, bright, positive, honest, and amazing human being because at some point in my life, I decided to do better for me.
And you know what? We ended up having the one of the most incredible dates we’d been on thus far.
The Fall Fair was everything I could have possibly imagined, and then some. Granted, at first I was a little bit quiet because I was still trying to work through the residual anxiety, but as we settled into our date the anxiety dissipated. He makes me feel at home, from the way that he looks at me to the ways that he makes me smile.
Side note – I GOT TO PET A FREAKING HORSE. ACTUALLY, NOT ONE HORSE BUT TWO!! TWO HORSES!!!! Their noses were so soft, omg.
He was so sweet and romantic – we wandered around the grounds hand in hand, and he even asked me if I wanted to go on the Ferris Wheel with him (which I absolutely did). And after we got off the Ferris Wheel, there was this incredibly beautiful display of fireworks over the fair grounds, and he just held me while we watched. Afterwards we kissed, and he said that he much preferred the “fireworks” from our kiss than the ones we’d just seen and I quite nearly melted into a puddle.
And just like that, all the anxiety I’d felt earlier on in the day became a distant memory.
It’s okay if I feel the way I feel right now, and he’s not quite there yet. It’s okay if I’m this certain and he’s not – I’ve had plenty of time to come to terms with where I am and who I am. He just got out of five years of being with someone else. We’ve only been seeing each other for about six months now, and I have to bear in mind that he may need more time. In the meanwhile, I truly am perfectly happy with him, with everything we are right now. And again, no matter what happens with this, I’ve learnt so much and I’ve never experienced this kind of contentment with anyone, not in either one of my two three-year long relationships. I’m grateful, and I couldn’t be happier. He treats me like a queen, and in all the exact ways I deserve to be treated.
I choose to see my fear regarding this as a way of understanding that this is important to me. But I won’t let it hold me back, or keep me away from this. And when the time is right and I’m truly ready, I’ll tell him all of this.
But for now, we have this. We have these magical moments that I wouldn’t trade for anything.
And that’s that, for now.
Anyways, this log took a lot longer than I thought it would! I wanted to mention that everything kind of caught up to me today (I went home sick from work), but honestly I’m feeling a lot better. I think I just needed sleep and a day to myself. I have to remember to keep “me” up there on my list of priorities, or else everything else will begin to go awry as a result.
I’ve got work this weekend, but I’m also looking forward to getting out and about with my friends! I’m finally seeing Avery after like a month of radio silence, and I’m hoping that all is well with him and that this means he’s finally ready to come back out of hiding, LOL. I’ve missed him!
I definitely want to write more often in October – I still have the feeling it’s going to be a doozy of a month, and I can’t wait! I’ll do my best to write when I can.
Until next time!