Day 296 – October 23rd, 2018

Hello! It’s been a while since I typed one singular date for one of my logs, and it’s been a while since I wrote a log that wasn’t for the purpose of catching up. But today, I found some time to myself and I though eh, why not?

Today was a good day! I took a nice long hot bath, I did some watercolour painting and had a glass of white wine while I watched Gilmore Girls (yes, I’ve started Gilmore Girls – I need some light-hearted clever comedy with a touch of drama in my life in some way, shape or form. Honestly though, I’m enjoying it thus far!)

So overall, today has been swell.

How have I been lately? It’s been a while since I sat down and really asked myself that question, now that I think about it.

I’ve been generally pretty happy for the the most part – I feel grateful for all the good that I have in my life, I’m at peace, and it feels like everything has settled nicely. I’ve started trying to meditate again before I sleep and my dreams are already getting much more vivid, I’m making more of an effort to do more things for me, and I’m doing well to keep up with all the important priorities in my life, I believe.

I think I’d like to get back into my reading though – last year, I spent so much time reading all these different books and collecting so much enlightening knowledge, it was such a good feeling. And this year, I’ve started so many that I haven’t been able to finish. Other than The Secret, nothing’s really been resonating with me as of late. I need a new fresh boost of inspiration, somewhere and somehow.

Speaking of books – my book. I don’t know, I feel like… once I uttered that intention out into the Universe with all of my might, I genuinely felt things shift in my favour. I felt the change in the tides, I felt the Universe conspiring with me to make it happen, opening up doors for me to walk through. But admittedly, I’ve faltered. Why?

I keep thinking, “I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to organize my thoughts, I don’t know how to format this or how I want it to flow.” So I keep putting it off, further and further away as I go about my days doing anything but.

Here’s the thing though – if I don’t start, it’ll never get done!!! It’ll always be this vague, far off distant dream of mine that gets lost in oblivion, and I really don’t want that.

So what if I don’t know how to start, or where to start? I have to start somewhere, don’t I? I keep saying “I’ll know when the right time is”, but there’s no time like the Now. I don’t want this to be yet another idea I have that I never bring to life. I have so much I have to say, so many things I want to teach. So many people I’d like to reach out to and help.

I have to believe in myself when it comes to this. I hadn’t realized that those questions were forms of self-doubt but I can see it now. I was afraid. I wanted things to be perfect, to be successful.

But if I don’t have faith and trust the process and trust in ME, those things will never manifest.

It’s in me, this book. The whole entire goddamn thing from start to finish. It’s all there. It’s wired in my DNA, it’s written in my stars, a part of my soul. I have to bring this to life, one way or another.

I just need… I need a flash of light, some kind of big bang, an epiphany, a major “AHA!” moment, I feel. What exactly am I waiting for and how do I bring it about? I’ll keep meditating on it. I’ll know it when it comes.

Anyways, I promise to continue to have faith and trust the process. My faith will carry me through.

Today, I was going through some of my old stuff, and I saw some old forms from 2016. Turns out, I had my very first therapy appointment on October 25th, 2016, almost exactly two years ago. Two years ago, I took a massive step forwards into loving myself. It was one of the hardest, scariest things I’ve ever done for myself but I’m so, so glad I did. It changed everything for me. For once in my life it made me stop running and and made me face myself. And in doing so, I was able to embrace myself for the first time in a very long time, quite possibly the first time in my entire life.

Man, I’m pretty sure I cried through every single one of my first couple sessions. When I look back now, it’s almost unbelievable how much baggage I was carrying with me on my shoulders. Guilt, shame, fear, mistrust, the fear of not being enough, the idea that I was a failure, fear of the future, even hate. I think I even hated myself. I hated me for how much I failed in university, hated myself for disappointing my parents, hated myself for having no direction in life. Everything I was lacking in faith and belief, I channelled into hate.

It makes me so sad when I think about it now. I mean, I’ve done a complete 360 since then and I’m so thankful for that. It’s just sad that once upon a time, I didn’t see me this way. I didn’t love me in the way I love me now. I can’t imagine living my life in any other way but this now though. I can’t imagine not enjoying my own company, not loving myself, not encouraging myself and offering myself compassion.

Does that mean I changed? Can people change? Or do we do we inherently remain the same, in the sense of our “traits”? Are those inherent traits (that may be partially biologically fixed or environmentally affected) unable to be subjected to change? Can we change based on our environments if there is an extreme difference in what we’re exposed to?

I think my overall nature has remained the same – I’ve always been a pretty happy person, I’d like to believe. Maybe that particular trait had less depth to it when I was living my life on autopilot. I feel like my happiness has much more depth to it now. I feel like before, I was a shell of myself, a shell of who I really am. A shadow person. I wonder how I maintained any of my connections to people in that state. I suppose I really didn’t though; there wasn’t much genuine connection to anyone when I was that far gone.

I’m very thoughtful tonight, LMAO. I wonder if it’s the wine.

Today was actually an interesting day – I received two unexpected calls, one from Felicity and one from Avery.

Felicity called to ask me for some advice and told me the first person she’d thought to ask was me, and Avery called to ask me how I was doing. We ended up catching up for about an hour or so on the phone though, which was so nice. I told him about how the cottage was, and he told me about how his past weekend was with his new girl. I’m glad that we can talk like that and I hope it’ll always remain this way no matter what. I’m also really happy that the people in my life know that they can call me at any moment or time of the day and know that I’ll be there for them if they need me. I can’t express how happy that makes me.

Anyways! I think I’ve rambled on enough for one day. It’s been nice talking to myself though, for no other reason than just wanting to write.

Well, I suppose that’s all for today! I’ve got class tomorrow night (my favourite one), my ultrasound appointment on Thursday and I ended up getting scheduled to work, and then Adrian’s invited me to his friend’s Halloween party on Saturday which I’m very much looking forward to (I’m going as Storm and I cannot WAIT to put that costume together!!! Thank goodness another year will be passing by that I’ll still be celebrating my favourite holiday somehow, hehe).

I’m sure I’ll find time to write about all of that soon. October has been incredible thus far, and I’m sure it’ll continue to be!

Love always,

Me.

 

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