Day 297 + 298 – October 24th & 25th, 2018

Hello! This is the first time I’m posting a log directly from my phone onto my blog. Usually, I type things up on my computer but it’s late and I’m in bed and I can’t seem to sleep so, a log it is!

I had my ultrasound appointment today and once again, after the extensive amount of pictures and information they gathered from the ultrasound and even after double checking with the radiologist, I STILL have to wait another week to know what the heck is going on with me.

Alright, I know everything’s probably just fine and in fact, I’m sure everything’s gonna disappear within a couple days or so. I bet you any money there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me whatsoever and everything is gonna go back to normal soon.

So why is it bugging the hell out of me that I don’t know anything yet? This new form of uncertainty is testing everything I thought I’ve learnt to accept about uncertainty. There is a part of me that’s grateful for this new challenge of my mental strength. But for the most part?

I noticed a little anxiety today! It’s been a while since it knocked on my door. I’ve been meditating regularly as of late, thank goodness, so I was able to breathe through it but still. I tell everyone that uncertainty is a part of life and that we shouldn’t stress about what we can’t control. But here I am, poking and prodding away at my neck every so often, wondering what the heck and where the heck these things came from and why and when they’re going to go away.

So here I am writing this log, hoping that if I’m finally completely honest with myself, then maybe I’ll start to feel a bit better. I kept saying “don’t think about it, don’t think about it”, but I don’t think denial is going to help me with this either.

Deep down I know this is nothing. I’m fine. I have to be. I know it’s going to go away and life is going to resume as normal.

This is just a reminder and a test on how to cope with and react to the uncontrollable aspects of my life. You keep going through the same tests until you really learn the lesson, right? So, I have to wait a couple more days. It’s okay! They’re only gonna tell me what I already know anyways – that everything came back normal and in a matter of time, the swollen nodes are gonna go down and I’m gonna forget this even happened.

Plus I have plenty to keep me occupied in the meanwhile – my friends and I threw together a spontaneous night out for Halloween tomorrow, so now I have TWO Halloween shindigs to attend, which means TWO opportunities to make the most of my favourite holiday!!! And I work all weekend too, and my coworkers always know how to make me laugh and cheer me up.

Speaking of my co-workers – the day I left to the cottage, I had a quick shift before I left and Luna asked me if I wanted to go on break with her so she could treat me to cheesecake. I had already gone on break though so I thanked her kindly and said maybe another time.

Today when I went back to work, I ran into her and she asked me if I’d like to go tomorrow and well, I said yes.

Hmm.

I’m nervous? Well not like nervous about her per se but like – is it gonna be weird? We haven’t hung out at all in almost a year. In fact we haven’t spent any time together even AT work – it’s been “hi, how are you, goodbye” and small talk in between this entire year thus far. Hm. Well there must be a reason I was inclined to say yes. And, I am an adult and I can do what I want without having to care about what people think of me. (My team isn’t quite fond of her after last years Christmas debacle).

I’ll just go with the flow and go with my gut and see what happens. Whatever is meant to be, will be.

Anyways, I think I’ve vented enough to myself to merit a good night’s sleep finally. Lately, I’ve been having recurring dreams about sharks – sharks trying to attack me, being in an aquarium with sharks that escape and try to attack me, almost being fed to sharks. Although last night, it was alligators that were trying to eat me and Olivia (but she had magic somehow and quickly transported us back home before any jaws could snap around us). What the heck man! I just want decent dreams and proper sleep. I feel like I’ve been tired easily lately. (And yet contradictory to that, here I am unable to fall asleep). 

What a busy mind I’ve had. Honestly as fun as this month has been with all of these social expeditions and going out every single goddamn weekend, when November rolls around I’m becoming a recluse, I swear. I’m gonna be such a house cat that my own cat is gonna be like “wtf dude”.

Except the problem with that is November has has just as much birthdays as October did, AND the Christmas season at my workplace will be full-steam ahead all the way into December. Le sigh. I need a vacation.

I got dis. Everything’s gonna be great. I’m gonna make more time to meditate, start a new book, continue to prioritize school, hopefully start MY book, and make time for myself in the best ways I can, even if that means having to say no sometimes. I must remember to say no when I have to say no.

Okay, that’s all for tonight! I should get some sleep, it’s gonna be yet another crazy ass weekend. But really though, I’m grateful for how amazing this month has been, as I knew it would be from start to finish.

I’ll write soon!

Love,

Me.

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