Hello! Once again, I am currently lying in bed typing this long my phone because once again, I find myself unable to sleep. Before I start madly typing out the thoughts that are preventing me from sleeping however, there is something I must acknowledge first.
Today… today is the 300th day of the year.
Which means a couple things. First, it means that there’s only 65 days left of this year. Sixty-five!!! Where has this year gone?!? I can’t believe it.
Second, it means that Adrian and I have been seeing one another for 200 days now. It’s been 200 days since the day of our first date. 200 days full of the best dates I’ve ever been on, the most incredible magical moments, the hardest of laughter and sweetest of kisses. 200 of some of the best days of my life.
But more on this later.
I wanted to catch up a little bit because all my plans that were intended for this weekend got… well… you know, that whole saying about “the best laid plans” and all.
So yesterday – I tried to throw together some last minute stuff and honestly I didn’t do much research on the place or anything because all I saw was that cover was cheap and it seemed cool. Long story short, when we got there, the place was dead and I began to panic because I felt personally responsible, especially since the majority of us had to leave early what with having work the next morning.
And so, in this anxiety-induced panic, I suggested we go somewhere else. But then… I remembered that Krystal was on her way to meet us. Only, by the time I remembered, we were already hopping into an Uber about to head to the other place.
I felt sooooooooooooo bad. Especially because Krystal’s reasoning for not wanting to join us right off the bat was because she wanted to be able to check out the place she had paid for initially, where we had just been. She got rather upset that we’d left without much warning, and she had every right to be.
And the second place, we ended up spending a grand total of like 10 minutes at before we all collectively decided to leave… so all in all, I’m hanging up my party-planning hat and definitively sticking to my resolution to become the best house cat that you ever did see.
Okay, I know, I’m being extra. One bad night is not the end of the world and shit happens sometimes. Krystal and I ended up making amends today – she reached out and told me she knew I had no bad intentions and that these things happen so all is well once more.
Honestly, that’s what bothered me the most about last night – I felt so sad that she was upset with me, because I like her so much!!! She’s one of the coolest people I know and I guess I didn’t realize how fond of her I’ve become as of late, until that happened.
But also, I felt bad for Cory and Avery because I planned this whole thing and it ended up seeming like a waste of money and time. But again, I shouldn’t stress about what I can’t control, and life just happens like that sometimes. I didn’t realize how much pressure I put on myself when it comes to these things, like ensuring that everyone has a good time when I plan stuff. Not everything is going to be perfect at all times and despite how much pride (or hubris, I suppose) I had on planning things, doesn’t mean that my “plans” are immune to life and its curveballs.
Anyways, I was super stressed last night. But the silver lining to last night was that Adrian happened to join us as well last minute and oh man, am I ever glad he did.
That’s the first time he’s ever seen me in a real state of anxiety, and that’s exactly what I want. I want us to experience each other at our worst moments too – the fear, or anger, or stress and anxiety.
And you know what? He was so great. He kept insisting that it was still a good night, assured me that despite what happened with Krystal that I was still a good friend, and he still danced with me a little and tried to cheer me up. He was… me! I’m usually the one who’s super encouraging and positive but last night, he was my ray of sunshine instead.
I appreciated it so much. In this journey I’ve embarked on in the past two years, one thing I didn’t realize I wanted but now see that I’ve truly needed all along, was to be with someone who is as equally if not moreso positive and uplifting as I am. I had no idea how important to me that was until now.
I’m a happy person, but I also deal with anxiety and stress and worry from time to time. And when it comes to those things, I must admit that I try to fend for myself – I don’t actively try to rely on anyone but myself and sometimes, that doesn’t always work. I need to be with someone who can be my silver lining in those rare moments that I can’t see one. Because I promise and know with all my heart that I’d do the same for anyone I ended up with.
And that’s how I ended up with where I am right now tonight, in bed, with these thoughts. I started thinking about the three little words again. They’ve been on my mind for a while now, but comfortably sitting somewhere in the back of it, waiting to be called into play when I’m finally truly ready and when the moment is right. Which got me thinking about the other two times I’ve ever said those three words in my relationships.
In my first relationship with Don – he said it first, and I didn’t say it back. I was honest with him; I told him I liked him a lot, but I wasn’t ready to say those words and that I wanted to mean them when I said them. A couple months later he said it again, so I said them back because… I felt bad.
Despite all the bad that relationship held, there was some good too. But honestly? I don’t think I was truly in love with him. Not once. Why? Because I didn’t love myself. I don’t think you can love someone truly, if you don’t love yourself.
And then my second relationship came around and boy, was I ever head over heels. But it took me over a year to say those little words what with our rocky start, Nick and I. This was probably the first time in my life I said those three words and meant them, however few times I did say them. But the way I said them, and why?
We were in Montreal, sitting in a tiny booth on the second floor lobby of the Chinatown hotel we were in. He’d just finished throwing up profusely after a night of heavy drinking, and could barely see straight. Nevertheless, I’d sat with him through it all and even stuck with him into the washroom to make sure he was alright.
In one of the moments he stopped puking, he quietly asked me why I was still with him despite everything he had put me through. And it was simple. My answer was easy. Those three words sprung to mind and out of my mouth with no hesitation.
Relationship number two was the place where I loved someone more than I loved myself – and I don’t mean that in some romantic kind of way. Loving someone more than you love yourself is dangerous, especially when you have barely any love for yourself in the first place. That’s the kind of relationship that fosters attachment, jealousy, and mistrust. The kind of relationship that allows you to settle for scraps because you’re happy to get even that, because you think that’s all you deserve. The kind of relationship where you get cheated on and give that same person another chance.
(Side note – I still regret none of my decisions because I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am today, without them.)
So the second time I said those three words, it was because they were my reason to stay.
And now, here I am. Whole, complete, in love with myself first and foremost, at peace and content with who I am and what I entail, for the first time in my entire life. I’ve never once experienced love or been in love at a time in my life when I was in love with me too. And now…
I’ve finally met someone who fulfills all of my needs, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. (Physically goes without saying, heh). Someone who doesn’t need me to heal them, reassure them, or fix them. Someone who is equally as mature yet young at at heart as me. Someone who sees the blue beneath a grey sky – no matter what the situation may be. Someone who showers me with affection at all times and isn’t afraid to show how much he cares about me, no matter who is around. Someone I can actually lean on, talk to and laugh with. Someone who goes above and beyond to convey to me how special I am, and how much they appreciate me. Someone honest, kind, compassionate, thoughtful, adventurous, spontaneous, caring, intelligent and just an all-around good person with a good heart.
I still don’t know what’s in store for us or where this will go. But this damn well may be the very first time in my life that I say those three words to someone, not borne out of attachment or obligation.
About 200 days ago, I had a one-way ticket booked to Belize, with no definitive idea of when I would come back and ambiguous plans of travelling to Guatemala and seeing where life would take me from there. It took one date – one magical, inexplicable, incredible, amazing date, to change the course of my life in a way I never thought would be possible.
Life sure is a funny thing, eh?
Anyways, I’ve rambled on enough with my late-night thoughts. Tomorrow, we made a pretty spontaneous plan to go apple-picking at an orchard (his idea, yet another reason why I think he’s absolutely the bee’s knees). I can’t wait. I’m so happy life has brought me this person, this beautiful soul full of life and passion. I couldn’t be more grateful for every smile of his that I’ve seen.
okay sleep time!
Love always and in every way and so much so that I’m fit to burst,