Day 309 + 310 – November 5th & 6th, 2018

Hello, hello! It’s currently late Tuesday night. I’m sitting in my kitchen, once again failing in my attempt to focus and study for the exam I have tomorrow. But there’s something I’ve got to talk about.

Time to time in my life, I get these weird… moods. I don’t know what to call it. An episode? A moment? Is it my hormones? Is it in my head?

I suddenly lose motivation, I lose focus, I lose… colour. It’s like there’s less colour in my days, I can’t explain it. “Happy” is usually my baseline emotion, but when I feel like this, it almost feels like this opposite. Not hate or anger or fear or sadness, but empty. Restless, bored, listless, colourless.

I can’t stay in class for more than an hour without getting anxious, can’t focus on anything long enough to finish it, I get really, really tired quite easily (to the point that coffee can’t help) and no matter where I go or what I do, this feeling’s always there in the back of my head behind every conversation or interaction I have, waiting for me at the end of the day. I don’t want to do anything but distract myself with a mind-numbing show and anything else that requires zero or minimum effort really.

It doesn’t happen too often, thankfully.

But I’m curious. Am I perpetuating this? Am I making a choice to reside in these feelings? Do I entertain this?

I’ve tried, time and time again to focus and study. I’ve drank down cups of black coffee, sat down with my notes in front of me, got through the first couple pages without really absorbing anything, and then gave up and got distracted yet again. Have I really been trying though?

Is it the cold weather? Is it the lack of sun? I’ve been taking vitamin D, I went back to the gym, I’ve been meditating more frequently, I’ve even re-read the Alchemist. I take the time I need for myself and self-care, I’m doing everything I feel I need to do. So what’s going on? Why does this happen to me from time to time? Do I lack discipline? Where does the motivation go?

The human body is such a strange thing. I’m like here, watching myself, feeling these feelings, but also not really… here. I’m not in them, because none of this is me. I know me. Last week I took myself out to lunch at St. Lawrence Market, had a great conversation with a lovely gentleman from Belgium and “happy” was no problem. It was easy, it was my constant, effortlessly.

This listless feeling started somewhere over the weekend. Is it the exams? The studying? Do I really not like school that much?

No, that’s not true either. I like studying. I enjoy school. I did well on my last exam for this class. Actually, this is my favourite class thus far and I’m thoroughly enjoying what I’ve been learning.

Huh.

Maybe it is the lack of sun or the cold or the weather. Maybe I’ve been having weird travel withdrawals. I’m no good with monotony or routine. I thrive on spontaneity, adventure and momentum.

It’s just weird. This hasn’t happened to me in a very long time, not since I started therapy and the self-love and my journey inwards about two years ago. Maybe it’s because I’ve stopped my therapy sessions?

No, that can’t be it either. I left off on such a good note with Nadia, and since then I’ve been completely happy and able to self-soothe and problem-solve as I’ve needed.

I don’t want to be the colourless autopilot version of myself!!! Maybe it’s because I’ve been home a lot lately, attempting to study and failing miserably. I’m too comfortable here, I get way too easily distracted and I can talk myself into 3-4 unnecessary episodes when I should be investing my time in other things.

On the bright side, I’m not giving in completely and allowing myself to remain here. Tomorrow morning, I’m going to wake up early, go to the gym, and then find somewhere quiet to study that isn’t home, until my exam rolls around tomorrow evening. I’m fighting back until “happy” becomes my baseline again. Everything is temporary, everything is impermanent, including this… lull. This low.

I’ll be fine. I just needed to address this and talk to myself. Sometimes these things happen. It’s impossible for anyone to remain “happy” all the time, I know that as well as anyone else. Life sometimes catches up. And sometimes, it can be nothing at all. It just happens, we’re way too comprised of chemistry and neurology to simply just exist happily all the time.

And you know what? So what if it’s “in my head”? In fact, if I flip that perspective, that’s an amazing thing to acknowledge. If this is in my head, that also means I have every power to change what’s in my head. Because ultimately, I’m the captain of my fate, and the master of my thoughts and emotions. Even if I feel a certain way, it’s my choice to either react accordingly and give in, or I can do differently and hope for a better outcome.

Everything is going to be fine. In fact, it’ll be better than fine – everything’s going to be great. Whenever I feel like I’m faltering in faith or losing trust in the process, the Universe always sends me a little nudge, almost as if to remind me that it’s still there alongside me, guiding me. I just can’t give up, and I can’t give in to the low’s.

Nadia once told me that life’s a series of roving hills, never quite this steady incline upwards we all believe things to be. And that’s totally okay. Every downwards slope is another opportunity to make our way back up to the top. In fact, without the downwards slopes, we would eventually begin to lose our gratitude and appreciation for the moments we are at the top of our hills.

Regardless of how far I’ve come, all I’ve learnt and all the ways in which I’ve grown, there are going to be moments like this. And I appreciate them. Because when my baseline goes back to “happy”, I can sit in that happiness and be grateful for it that much more as a result of being here. I can be present in my good moments, as much as I am present in the moments that are not.

This was a good log! I like that I’ve been more honest with myself as of late. I had a conversation with Olivia the night of the concert I’d like to talk about, and I also did something very… interesting that I’d like to address that same day, but not tonight. That’s for another log.

Until then,

Love always, strongly, and in every way,

Me.

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