Day 311 to 315 – November 7th to 11th, 2018

Hello! I was just looking through some of my old logs, and I just realized that I’ve been failing to keep up with my own life on here in some aspects. I never talked about how lunch with Luna was, the results I got back from the doctor’s, and I also have to talk about the thing I did that I mentioned in my last log! And now, I have so much more to catch up on what with the events that have occurred in the past couple days.

So real quick – lunch with Luna.

It was really nice! We went to cheesecake factory, and Daniella and Lori came with us too so it ended up being a fun lunch. And I know that Luna meant well; she got a pasta that was similar to the one she knew I loved from my old workplace that they took off their menu.

Recently, she’s asked me to come with her on a trip to Jordan with her and Lana, and I actually agreed. I don’t know if we’ll ever quite go back to our old friendship and I’m not sure if I’ll ever trust her the way I once did, but she did make a great travel buddy. We’ll see what’s in store for us.

Results from the doc – my blood work came back clear! (In fact, it came back great – my iron is amazing, so are some of my vitamins and whatnot. And all the blood count stuff too). She confirmed that it is my lymph nodes that are swollen, but she has no idea why they are. Whatever it may be, it didn’t show up in my blood work or ultrasound. On the bright side, it’s definitely not tumourous, which is amazing! That’s all I needed to know. Everything else will work itself out.

She did say though, that if they don’t go away in about a month or so, I need to come back at the beginning of December to possibly see a head, neck/throat surgeon about potentially removing/draining the nodes. But I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

The thing I did – so that day I wrote that log I believe, I was looking for something that would help me study but I couldn’t find it. I was going through my closet when I came across the box full of all the stuff that Nick had given me or that reminded me of him.

So out of curiosity, I pulled it out and opened it.

I looked at the old photo-booth pictures we’d taken in cheesy poses, the little arcade prizes we’d won when we took our trip to Niagara, the silly pizza-tray hat he’d made for me out of boredom in one of his classes I’d sat in. The beautiful bracelet he’d given me, the notes and cards he’d written for me throughout those years, movie ticket stubs, and so much more.

And I felt… peace. Nothing but peace. No heart-skip, or pangs of melancholy.

So, I closed the box and decided it was finally time to get rid of the old energy of that relationship, once and for all.

It’s gone now. Every single thing that was in that box and the box itself is no longer in my household, clearing the way for new energy to make its way in.

I thank that time in my life, that relationship, Nick himself, for everything I learnt. For everything I took from it, and all the ways I grew. That chapter is officially closed, and I hope from the bottom of my heart sincerely that he’s truly happy and living his best life.

And that’s that, on the thing I did.

Okay, now that I’m all caught up on those things I missed, onwards now to this past weekend.

I think I mentioned a couple logs ago that I was starting to get a little “restless” when it came to Adrian, and that feeling finally came to a head this weekend. We hadn’t talked much throughout the week so I was starting to feel like I had no idea what was going on with him or how he was. I missed him, and that frustrated me because I felt like I had no reason or right to miss him as much as I did because I still have no idea what we are or where this is headed per se. I’d surpassed restless and hit downright annoyed now.

I messaged Leila and talked her about it and she immediately helped me feel better. She pointed out that if I was starting to feel that way, then maybe it was about time I asked and clarified things instead of allowing myself to feel that way. I told her that I was afraid to ask because I didn’t want him to feel like I was pressuring him. She then highlighted how if it were two months in and I happened to ask, that would seem more so like pressure. We’ve been seeing each other for over seven months now.

I also mentioned that I was also afraid to ask because I was scared that his answer would be that he’s still not ready to acknowledge anything further than what we are right now, but she believes everything will be just fine. Somewhere deep down amidst all the fear, I know she’s right. But it’s hard, it’s especially hard when you care so much about someone and you don’t want to get hurt. We’re inherently wired to fear pain, to be averse to it.

Jumping forward to today, Leila, Cory, Avery and I finally got a chance to hang out just the four of us after so long, and we actually caught up properly and talked the way I assume adults do LMAO. It was actually so nice – at first it was kind of small talk and it was hard to get into the deeper stuff, but eventually we did.

I vented my frustrations to them and they helped out SO much, it was actually incredible to get so many different versions of feedback as well as guys’ opinion on what I was thinking.

I told them how I was afraid to ask him “what are we” because of worrying about pressuring him, and they all unanimously agreed that after almost 7-8 months of seeing one another, I was in the right place to bring up that conversation. I mentioned that I didn’t quite know how to say it either, and Cory joked that I shouldn’t be like “hey pass the salt, by the way what are we?” – it should be a proper conversation, and it should definitely happen in person.

I also vocalized that I was kind of frustrated with myself – I didn’t understand why now, ,after all this time, I suddenly needed this form of reassurance. And Leila assured me that it was normal, that anyone in my position would be feeling the exact same way that I do right now. Especially after all these months. I deserve to know if he sees something more or he doesn’t, or if he just needs more time.

I brought up how about a month ago, I asked Adrian if he feels like he’s gotten to know me like he said he wanted to, and how he hesitated a bit before saying that he still feels there’s more we need to get to know about one another. Cory and Leila both brought up some valid points – Leila pointed out that even after six years, she was still getting to know and learning more about Cory, and Cory wondered how long it really does take to “get to know someone” per se, like how long could you really need. I made it clear that I’ve been an open book though, (at least, I feel I have been).

I also mentioned how Olivia has a feeling he’s holding back somehow, and I don’t know, at this point I might agree. I just can’t put my finger on what it may be though.

On this note, Avery asked how long it’d been since Adrian had broken up with his ex, so I briefly skimmed over that timeline for them; how they broke up in February for good, and he and I met at the end of March and started seeing one another in April. I also mentioned our last conversation about this, the one we had in May. I had asked him if he felt like he’d had enough time to be on his own in between breaking up with his ex and seeing me, and he had said he wasn’t sure. He did acknowledge he didn’t want to live according to a time frame and wouldn’t let a “calendar” hold him back or have him deny how he felt about me though, and things proceeded as such.

Since then, I haven’t brought that topic up because I’ve been perfectly happy with the way things have unfolded, but now…

I think a part of me just needs to know for sure that he wants more than just this. And by “this”, I mean the whole honeymoon-y relationship aspect where we’re solely our best selves around one another. I want to know if he’s willing to and wants to be emotionally supportive when I need him to be, if he’s down to grow alongside me, if he’s cool with me packing up and travelling to god knows where at a moments notice, if he’s someone who’s willing to fight for me and with me, even if we’re arguing with one another. Basically, I want to know if he does see a real relationship with me.

If he just needs more time to get to know me or allow me to get to know him but does see potential for more and he’s genuinely happy with me, then by all means I can give him more time and honestly I’ll be okay with that. I just want to know that we’re not doing this for the sake of doing this and somewhere deep down, he has no intention of really letting me in because he’s not ready to be in a serious relationship again.

This has been so fun, so full of light and laughter and amazing beautiful moments. I regret nothing in regards to how hard I’ve fallen or how much I’ve invested in this, how much I’ve grown to care about him. No matter what the outcome of that situation is, I will never, ever regret a moment of any of this because Adrian is truly such an incredible, kind, passionate and lovely human being that I’m so happy I’ve met.

In all of this, I’ve simply assumed that I’m ready to be in a relationship again because everything has been so great. But have I really taken a moment to ask myself what I intend to get into?

I don’t think I have, so… well, me? Do you want to get into a relationship with this person? Can you see yourself with him?

Well I mean, based off the way we’ve been acting with one another for these past couple months, yes. But that’s the thing though – everything’s been so, so good. All golden and glittery and honeymoon-y. So of course based off of what I know, I want to.

The tiny little voice in my head that’s gotten so accustomed to my freedom and my singledom is screaming “NOOOOOO! RUNNNNNN! BE FREEEEE! RE-BUY THAT ONE WAY TICKET TO BELIZE AND DON’T LOOK BACK!”

But I also think that tiny voice is also comprised of fear. Fear of getting hurt, fear of embarking on this journey again with no knowledge of the outcome or what it could potentially lead to, (fear of uncertainty, essentially).

Deep down though… when I think about his eyes, that beautiful smile, how happy he makes me and how easy it is to be around him… the fear of not being with him outweighs the fear of losing him.

So, yeah. Even though I’ve had some trouble lately connecting with my inner voice and my intuition, I think I’ve been all-in since Day 1.

And I’m not saying that being in a relationship with him means that it’s a done deal, that this is it and we’re going to get married and there’s no going back. It just means that there’ll be more to what we are than just the “honeymoon phase”. It means we’re willing to see and accept all sides of who we are as people, not just the sides we choose to show. All I want to know is that that’s what he wants too, even if it’s not right now.

Well… that’s about it regarding that! I asked him a little while ago about next week for his birthday and I also asked him if he’s free to hang out this Thursday, and I’m waiting for him to get back to me on both accounts.

Look man. Whatever happens, happens. I’ve survived being cheated on, and I’ve survived having my feelings not being reciprocated before. If that’s the case this time, yes, it is going to hurt like a mo-fo. But just like each of those times before, I’m going to be okay and I’m going to get through it. So ultimately, regardless of the outcome of this conversation, I have nothing to lose by asking for some honesty, and peace of mind to gain.

I really want to talk about something else that happened this weekend that was crazy (ran into Dylan after months of not seeing him, just before he’s about to embark on a four-month trek through Bali, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam and Australia), but this log ended up taking a lot longer than I thought it would to type out and I am massively tired after this long-ass busy-ass weekend of work.

I’m so glad I’m going to get a brief respite from it, but I also have to spend all of tomorrow trying to cram five chapters into a day so that I can ace this exam I have on Tuesday like I intend to. Once that exam is done, I swear to god I’m going to bust out my DS and play some Pokemon for old times sake LMAO.

Anyways, until the next time I write!

Love always,

Me.

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