Holy has it ever been a while since I’ve written last!!!
I barely even remember what’s happened in the past week and a half. I think after I finished my exam, I went straight into working. Oh but! This last weekend was actually a little insane – I woke up, went to work, had an 8 hour shift, went to Krystal’s birthday thing in downtown, went to bed, woke up and had yet another 8 hour shift, went to my work party, and then the next day was Adrian’s birthday thing at the hotel that I planned. Overall, these past couple days as of late have consisted of me catching up on some very much needed rest after all the excitement.
So, where do I begin? In my last log, I wrote about needing to catch up about how I ran into Dylan, so I may as well start there and carry onwards.
Wow that seems like a long time ago now LOL. I suppose it was after all though, almost two weeks ago.
Honestly, I had the strangest feeling that I would run into him before he left on his trip. I wasn’t sure how or when, I just knew I would. And I did!
It was really nice to see him – when I noticed him walking into the department, we like tackled each other in a massive hug, and he told me he’d missed me a lot. We caught up briefly, and I told him how happy and excited for him I was that he was going to so many beautiful places and going to be living in other parts of the world for a while.
He said he’d come to say goodbye to everyone because he’d be gone for a while, and I’m glad he did. He thanked me for inspiring him to travel, and I wished him well on his own “Alchemist” journey.
Recently at the holiday party, Sera told me that before Dylan left, they had a heart-to-heart conversation about his travels. He was afraid that he would change drastically, and Sera assured him… that he absolutely would. It definitely would change him completely, but it would be for the better.
And I know it will too. I hope that he experiences as much as he can out there, grows into who he’s meant to become, becomes worldly and wise, and that he adventures to his heart’s content.
As much as I care about him, I think it’s a good thing that he’s going to be gone for four months, and so far away. Seeing him that day actually kind of threw me for a loop, and it made me realize that I sort of just put my feelings on “pause” instead of actually giving myself time to grieve that goodbye, let go and heal. I’m hoping that as time goes on, those feelings I had for him will become a distant memory and that the question of why he never felt the same way becomes a ghost that can find peace.
It’s funny – the night after I’d seen him, I had a dream that my department was throwing him a goodbye party. And we sat down to talk for a moment, and I asked him straight up why he had never felt the same way as I did. And he told me that he’d just felt that I’d put him on too much of a pedestal – it was a potential he couldn’t quite live up to, and wasn’t ready to because there was still so much he had to do. And you know, even if that was just my subconscious projection of how that conversation would go in order to give my conscious self a sense of closure, it makes a lot of sense.
It was also a reminder to be careful, and be aware that I don’t do that again – fall for someone’s potential, or place too many expectations upon them based solely on all the good I see in them. It really is a lot of pressure to live up to. When you’re with someone, and you’re making that conscious choice to be with them for who they are as people completely, no more or less. You can’t go into these relationships with the expectation that if they “really like you”, they’ll change for you. That’s just not how things should work.
Anyways, I went off on a tangent there so back to my crazy weekend!
Briefly, Krystal’s birthday went really, really well! Surprisingly so, especially since I finally saw Chloe after almost a year and a half of not having seen her. At first it was a little bit awkward, but not for any standoffish reasons – we were both trying hard to be super polite and nice towards each other, LMAO. After a while, we ended up sitting down for a bit and catching up briefly, which was actually pleasant. She shared her fries with me and told me about her new car, and even about how her brother and his wife recently tried the two different strains of weed.
And at the club, everyone ended up getting separated but she and I actually ended up kind of sticking together with Krystal and Chad! And we had a lot of fun dancing, and being awed by the super cool light display at Rebel. Chloe really hasn’t changed much, she’s still the same sweet girl she’s always been it seems. When it was time to say goodbye, she booped me on the nose and told me it was nice to see me, and I agreed.
I don’t think we’re going to be hanging out or anything like that any time soon, but I wouldn’t say no if she asked. It’s also nice to know that I can attend these sorts of events knowing that I’ll run into her, without being worried that things will be awkward or weird. I’m glad.
The next day, I had my holiday party with my work family and it turned out to be a complete blast! As exhausted as I was because of getting home at 3 am the previous morning, I was still able to dance up a storm and have a great time with my co-workers. I sincerely hope that this Christmas season is not as dramatic and dark as last season was, LOL. Those were some seriously bad times. We’ll see how things go!
Which leads me to, Adrian’s birthday.
Sigh. It couldn’t have gone any more perfect honestly.
Okay so – I got to the hotel early on Monday in order to spruce things up a bit, hide his gift, etc. And when he finally joined me, the look on his face when he walked in was priceless – he was in total awe of the room, complete with its own whirlpool and king sized bed. Not to mention, shortly afterwards he found yet another surprise; the lingerie set I’d bought and worn under my clothes for him as a little birthday treat, hehe. He said I looked like a Victoria’s Secret model, and even “better than the girls in the windows”, LMAO. He’s honestly so sweet, and his reactions for the little things I do for him make me so happy.
We spent the afternoon just lounging and cuddling away. We ordered some food from Uber Eats, rolled one up and smoked, watched some Netflix and took a brief nap in order to have more energy for later on and to work up an appetite for dinner. It was so nice to escape with him for a little while, just away from the whole world and in our own little quiet bubble.
Dinner was amazing – we went back to that Italian place that he likes so much, and ordered different meals which we shared together. Mussels with white sauce and rigatoni alla vodka – everything was so delicious that I was pretty sure I’d died and gone to heaven. I was so happy that I was just about ready to go to the back in the kitchen and kiss the nonna’s who were so wonderfully cooking away there.
I honestly can’t begin to count on both hands how many times he thanked me throughout the course of everything we did. He was so completely appreciative, and he vocalized his thankfulness at every chance he could take.
Once we got back to the hotel, we finally made use of the super relaxing whirlpool by taking a hot bath, and we even did face masks together!! It was actually ridiculously cute – when we first started to put them on, he started rubbing the stuff into his beard and I nearly fell over laughing! I had to show him how to put it onto his cheeks and forehead (where there was no facial hair essentially).
It felt like our own little spa-weekend. And as midnight approached, I counted down the minutes so that I could be the first one to wish him exactly when the clock struck 12. I asked him if 22 was good to him, and he reflected a little before saying that it really had been. I also asked him if he was ready for 23, and he said that he was. When it was finally midnight, I ran and grabbed his hidden gift and sang him Happy Birthday.
He started off with the card, which is exactly how I hoped he would. A couple nights prior, I’d stayed up until like 2 in the morning in between some of my work shifts in order to hand paint him a birthday card in watercolour. The caption read, “I don’t mean to be cheesy but… I hope you have a “grate” birthday!” and I had painted a picture of cheese on the front and a cheese grater on the inside, hehe. (Cheesy, I know… literally, muahaha).
On the inside, I hand wrote a long-ass message that I’m actually going to write down here because I know one day, I’m going to look back and wonder what I had written (as I do for a lot of the birthday cards and messages I write). I wrote:
“Ohaaaiiii. I FIGure now is as GOUDA time as any to tagliaTELLe you how incredible you are to me, and I CANNOLI try to ESPRESSo myself as efficiently I would like to.
Puns aside for a moment – you truly are one of a kind, Adrian. In the time that I’ve known you, you’ve never ceased to astound me with your kindness, you honesty, your wisdom and intelligence, your passion, your humour, and so much more.
You’re different. In a world where everyone prides themselves on being a carbon copy of everyone else, you’re like a colourful masterpiece in a sea of grey. I hope you see this about yourself too.
You make me so, so happy. You make me feel special on a constant basis. You make me feel safe, and yet you also make me think differently, challenge me to see things in a new way. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this about you, and I sincerely hope that I make you feel all of these ways too.
I’m so happy I get to spend this time with you. Any chance I can get to see that amazing smile on your face, I’ll take. I wish you nothing but happiness in this new chapter of your life – you deserve nothing less.
Anyways, I don’t have MUSHROOM left on this card, so I think I’ll take this THYME to say I hope you have a BERRY Happy Birthday Adrian. Love, me. P.S. I hope this wasn’t too CORN-y, heh.”
I watched him anxiously as he read the card, but as I saw the smile grow on his face and his expression as he read it all, I eventually felt more relieved. He told me he loved the card, and assured me he definitely didn’t think it was too “corn-y”, LOL. He also thought that the fact that it was painted was amazing, he hadn’t realized it at first!
After the card, he pulled out the excerpt of “April 10th” from my logs, the log of our first date. I explained what it was, and he said he would read it afterwards. He then pulled out the rest; the EB Games gift card I’d gotten him because I noticed he was a member one day I was in his room, the abundance of lighters since he’s always losing his, and lastly, a brand new copy of The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari.
He opened the book quietly and showed me the first page, where Robin Sharma had dedicated the work to his son, Colby. And massive coincidence here – Adrian had actually gone to school with Robin Sharma’s son!!!! In fact, he’d sat right in front of him in grade 9 geography, LMAO. What are the odds!!!!! And better yet, despite knowing Colby and knowing that Robin Sharma was a great author, he’d never read the book before! So it all worked out perfectly.
Honestly I’d known I wanted to get Adrian a book, and for some reason the Monk just stood out to me as the next one to buy him. It makes total sense now, and I’m so glad that my intuition is still finding a way to speak to me.
Once we’d settled back into bed, I started watching Gilmore Girls while I ate some leftovers, and he started reading the log. From the corner of my eye though, I watched him as he read page after page, laughing at some parts and smiling fondly at others. After he finished, he set the log aside and turned to me, and I lowered the volume and gave him my attention as well.
He looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I still felt the same ways I did at the start – if I still felt “at home” with him, comfortable with him, if I still felt the “click”. I nodded meekly, but assured him vocally that I still felt all those same ways, and in fact… my feelings for him had deepened immensely since then.
He told me that he had felt the same things when we’d first met. That on that day, after the date, and after his soccer game, he went to hang out with a friend. And that friend had asked him how his day was, and all he could tell him was that he’d felt as though he’d been struck by lightning. So, it wasn’t just me who’d felt that way.
He also assured me that his feelings for me had grown and deepened since then too, and I immediately felt this amazing sense of relief course through my body. Turns out, we’ve been on this same page all along.
He thanked me for everything I’d done for him, and told me it all meant more to him than he could say. That I meant more to him than he could say. But I could feel it. I could feel it in the way he was looking at me. He told me he wasn’t used to being spoiled, and that usually he was the one doing the spoiling. But I told him that I’m the same way, that I love spoiling the people I care about, and that he deserved every last bit of it.
The next morning, I woke up and gave him a super relaxing massage using a lavender-scented cream from Lush and he was pretty much on a whole other level of relaxation by the end of our stay, LOL. I just really wanted to do as much for him as I could.
Eventually we had to check-out, but it was so wonderful to wake up beside him, all entwined and warm and cuddled. Side note – his dad will be leaving to Vancouver for the whole month of December, so I’ll be able to go over and stay over more for the Christmas season, which I’m really looking forward to. Not to mention, neither of us have ever been to the Christmas market at the Distillery District, so we’re going to do that and be as cheesy as possible, LOL. I can’t wait.
He gave me a ride home, and as he dropped me off and kissed me goodbye, he took my face in his hands and thanked me ever so warmly for everything I’d done for him. He told me he couldn’t even begin to express how much all of it meant to him, and that I was so incredibly special. I told him he means a lot to me too, and made sure he knew that all of what I’d done was truly my pleasure.
It was perfect, from start to finish. All I wanted to know was that he felt the same ways that I do, and now I know he does. I’m so glad I gave him that log – he appreciated how personal it was, how much I trusted him with my innermost thoughts. In fact, I’ve never experienced this much appreciation before.
I once read this quote about what happens when two giving people meet. It went something like, when two givers get together, what happens between them is like alchemy – it transforms them both.
And that’s what this reminds me of. We’re both so giving, so generous, and so dead-set on making the other person happy, that what happens between us is pure magic.
I’m finally ready to ask him what we are. I have a feeling that it’ll be the answer that I’m looking for, but even if it’s not I no longer care anymore, if he needs more time. He feels exactly how I feel, we’re on the same page and on the same level when it comes to how we feel about one another. That’s all that matters to me. And also, I noticed he called me “babe” a lot more while we were together so… I mean, I think we’re together LOL. I really do.
Anyways, that’s about it for catching up! Today is my last proper day off for who knows how long. I’m not dreading this Christmas season though, I refuse to. I want to have fun, stick to my guns and my limits about shifts, and still make time for me. I won’t let this job overtake this season.
I can’t believe this year is almost drawing to a close. Despite having written for a majority of it, I don’t feel like… I’ve made any major shifts per se, the way I did last year. I know that growth isn’t a steady incline upwards, but still. I wonder if I made as much effort towards me this year, as I did last year. I wonder what I can do to change that as this year draws closer to its end and another chapter begins. Maybe there will be bigger decisions to be made, bigger risks to be taken. Hm.
That’s about all for tonight! I shall write the next time I receive an opportunity to do so.