Here it is. The end of 2018.
Well – almost. It’s currently Sunday, December 30th and it’s late at night, and I’m home, off from work, having a quiet(-ish) evening in. My cousins have all left after yet another successful (if I do say so myself – I hosted) annual Christmas sleepover, and now I’m sitting here writing this log.
It’s been a wonderful holiday season. Christmas came and went and the retail season came to its close (with everyone keeping their sanity in tact, than goodness). Christmas was lovely – we spent it altogether as a family with the Brampton folks at Anne and Alycia’s house. Even Trevor and one of his friends came along, making Trevor the first significant other that anyone has ever brought “home” (to meet the rest of the family). All went well though – Trevor was a hit, along with his guitar, and he fit right in with the rest of us, no problem.
There’s a couple things I’d like to talk about after I catch myself up over everything that’s passed as of late. I want to reflect on this past year (because I’m not sure if I’ll have a moment to do so tomorrow).
Let’s see… what have I missed?
I don’t even remember what I wrote last, honestly. The spacing between my logs have gotten so vast. I may have only written about 3-4 times this entire month. But that’s something I want to touch upon later.
Oh, I cut my hair! I took off about 6 inches or so with no hesitation whatsoever, I was ready for some change. It feels so light and weightless now, soft and new. I love little changes that make you feel like that.
I was finally able to give Adrian his Christmas gifts, and it all went better than I could have imagined it to go.
First, he had me open mine – it started off with some wonderful Italian white wine because he knows how much I enjoy white. Next was some gorgeous black gloves with the touch-screen accessible fingertips (because he noticed that when we went downtown, I kept having to take off my gloves to use my phone – so sweet, I love how he notices little things like that). He also got me a little device that’ll help me to roll my own joints and mango flavoured rolling papers, LMAO! He’s good.
And last but not least, he got me a certificate for an incredible experience – a baking session at La Rocca bakery, one of the best bakeries in the GTA! I can choose any session I want – macarons, or unicorn cakes, or “naked” cakes, and more. I definitely want him to come with me because that’ll be legit the cutest date ever, us baking together.
I love that he knows me so well, knows how much I love little things like that and that I enjoy being gifted with experiences. He hit the nail right on the head when it came to me, and I couldn’t be more grateful. If anything, he’s the best gift I could have possibly asked for (cheesy, I know).
Finally, it was time for me to give him my gifts to him. I started off with the Lindor Panettone (which to my delight, he’d never seen before!), for him and his dad. Next we opened up his kitty’s gift together (yes I got her a gift as well), and it was a scratching pad grooming post and cat toy all rolled into one amazing little set-up, and he was thrilled (on her behalf).
He then started in on his own gifts. He opened the card (which had a lovely description explaining how thankful I am for him and why), and gave me that perfect butterfly-inducing smile of his that I love so much.
He opened everything in the exact order I hoped he would. He started off with the Kiehl’s salve cream, which I got for him because I’d noticed his hands had been getting cracked and dry with the winter cold, and he’d told me about it himself. He then opened the Ferragamo fragrance I’d nabbed for him, in order to add to his growing collection (and it smells so, so, so good).
So far, he’d been so happy with everything he’d opened. But when he opened the next one…
Before he opened it, I assured him that this one was a “congrats-on-getting-a-full-time-job” gift as well as a Christmas gift. It was the Fitbit Versa, and when he opened it, he immediately got a look of complete shock on his face and was like, “there’s no way I can accept this.”
He was SHOOKETH, LMAO. But I mean, honestly I did get it on sale for a really good price, and I know he would use it because he’s so diligent about working out and the gym is a huge part of his lifestyle. I assured him it was nowhere near as expensive as he thought it was, and finally he settled down enough to open the rest of his gifts.
The next one was a picture of us for his desk, as he told me he’d wanted when we went on our date in downtown that night. But in the frame was three other pictures behind the first, one from every season we’ve been seeing one another. The Spring one was from one of our first dates to see the cherry blossoms in High Park, the Summer one was from our date to the CNE, the Fall one was from my birthday weekend at the cottage amidst the golden hazy sunlight and the fallen leaves, and the last (Winter) was from that last date we’d gone on, in downtown – the first picture I’ve ever posted of us.
He was so touched and so happy, and I love so much that he enjoys the little gestures just as much as he did the other material stuff, if not more.
I also printed out a picture of his kitty (in case he ever gets tired of looking at my face hehe).
The next gift was a workout shirt with the emblem of his favourite football team, the Patriots – and I know he’d warned me not to get him anything along those lines because he said he had pretty much every possible fan-based item or accessory, but I couldn’t resist. And I’m glad I didn’t – turns out he hadn’t bought anything Pats-based for himself since his drastic weight-change, so he didn’t have much clothing. And better yet, the shirt fit him perfectly (so good in fact, that I wanted to take it off of him the moment he put it on… sigh).
And last but not least, the jar. He opened it curiously, and as he did I explained to him that the jar was filled with all the little moments, all the little things he’d done and all the reasons that I fell for him.
He promised to read one a day, which made me really happy. With the amount of things I managed to fit into that jar, that’s a gift that’s going to last him for quite some time to come.
The next day while we were cuddling and talking, I told him that there was one note in there that was double-sided, somewhere at the bottom. I asked him to save that one for last, if he could manage to resist the curiosity. And when he did finally read it, I asked him to tell me, and he promised he would.
He could read it tomorrow for all I know, next week or very possibly within this month. All I know is that when he does, and when he tells me he has… that may very well be the moment I finally tell him that I’m in love with him.
It took me a little while to settle into this feeling. I had to grow in it, am still growing in it with every passing moment we spend together, and I had to become comfortable with it, learn it and understand it. But I can feel it. I can feel it when we’re together and he’s holding me close, I can feel it when we’re saying goodbye (and especially “hello”).
That double sided paper explains the moment I knew, without a doubt, that I was going to fall in love with him. It’s my most favourite moment of all, the moment we were at the lake after spending the day at the beach. The moment when he gave me a real glimpse into his heart, when he was more vulnerable with me than he’s ever been, and told me about the piece of paper his mother left in her drawer with a phrase I just happened to say to him a couple days prior, word for word.
That was the moment I knew above and beyond that we were meant to meet, that we were meant to cross paths and find one another. For however long, I do not know. But what I do know for sure is that this has been magic from the start, and it’s been real.
I told him point-blank I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and this is the best I’ve ever had it. He was touched to hear that, and told me he’s equally as happy, happier than ever too. We both marvelled at how this time one year ago, we didn’t know one another. We were both in completely different places in our lives. Neither of us expected this, neither of us could have possibly begun to dream this even. But oh, what a year it’s been.
I’m so excited for what the New Year will hold for us. I’m excited for the challenges, the moments that will make us grow, the memories, the laughter, and this brand new adventure that I’m embarking upon with this incredible human being that I was so fortunate to meet, and be with.
And with that, it’s time to reflect on this past year.
Four countries. Three concerts. Two different crazy hair colors, and a new tattoo, and a relationship. When I look back on this year, it’s almost crazy to think about everything that happened, and so quickly too. I started this year off with a trip to Antigua with two of my favourite people. Reconnected with someone after five years of not speaking, only for her to introduce me to someone I was meant to meet.
Although it doesn’t feel like it anymore, this is the year I travelled by myself for the first time ever. I went to Belize, met some incredible people, and adventured on my own terms. I went through a strike, had my life go on pause but made the most of that pause to the extents that I could.
I became more comfortable with myself, my “boundaries” – I learned how to say no and be okay with saying no. I learned how to properly divert and invest my energies.
I briefly embraced Europe by stepping into England and France, the briefest of trips that left me wanting more, a taste that I’ll remember for years to come.
This year is filled with so many nuanced moments, quiet revelations and small shifts.
I stopped meditating. I stopped reading. I barely went to the gym. In terms of spiritual or personal growth… it feels like I hit what I assumed was my “peak”. I’m happy, I really am. I’ve learnt how to balance most aspects in my life without giving too much of myself or stretching myself thin. I’ve learnt that the most important people in my life will choose to understand my silences and forgive my distances, knowing that my love for them is no less than it’s always been, that I will always be there as needed and that I will reach out when I can, and nothing will have changed. I’ve learnt how to manage my time, to prioritize accordingly.
Nevertheless… I want my “momentum” back.
I don’t ever want to stop growing or learning!!! I don’t ever want to feel like I’ve “peaked”. I never want to be settled (completely), in the sense that I become complacent or take my happiness for granted. I don’t want to stop expanding my mind, staying in tune with myself and making sure I’m growing in every which way possible.
I’m happy that I no longer feel the “need” to write (in the sense that I’m not constantly stressed or anxious) – but that doesn’t mean I want to only do it when I feel the need to, does that make sense? I want writing, meditation and reading to be “wants” in my life that I maintain for the sake of myself, purely through consistency and discipline because ultimately, these are the things that will maintain my overall state of inner peace and happiness.
I don’t ever want to come to a point in my life where I feel like I know everything there is to know in life. Because, I don’t. Regardless of what I’ve experienced, how far I’ve come, who I am, what I’ve done, what I’ve read, who I’ve met, the things I’ve said, the advice I give, what I believe in, what I think and feel, the aspects that comprise my identity – regardless of all these things, I don’t know everything. I don’t know anything for sure, in fact. (Hehe, oxymoron sentence). I’m not saying I want to know everything, but I never ever want to stop the process of learning all that I can, experiencing as much as I can.
So, come this New Year, I begin yet another new chapter of my life. This year was about being open to what life had to offer and accepting where I am – I’ve done that. I was open to anything this year could bring about and it truly brought me the best it possibly could have. I am so, so thankful and eternally grateful for everything I’ve learnt and experienced.
I’ve spent the last portion of this year settling into new habits (or old habits, per se) that I no longer want for myself. Come this New Year, I’m getting back into what I started for myself.
I am going to read. I am going to meditate. I am going to spend more time increasing my physical and overall mental health. And… I’m going to get back to writing every day, once more.
When I began this whole blog, I knew it wasn’t solely for the purpose of keeping track of everything that was going on in my life. It was for keeping in touch with me, for writing down my daily lessons, staying in tune with my emotional and mental self, for having a safe place to check in with me and sort out whatever needed to be sorted out in my head.
And I want that back. I need more discipline in my life, and I want to start exercising that foreign concept until it becomes a familiarity in most (if not all) aspects in my life.
(That’s another thing – I want to start questioning why I do the things I want to to, why I feel the need to. Where do my motivations come from?)
Well – because last year, 2017, I feel like I made massive strides and became this person that I am today. And I feel like I’ve settled into that person. I’m so happy with her, she’s amazing, and I couldn’t be prouder of her. But I don’t want her to stop growing either. I’m not saying there’s more work left to be done – actually, there always is and will be and that’s okay.
But those aspects – meditation, reading, and writing – changed my life in ways I could have never thought possible. Also therapy, and while I can’t continue that anymore, I can most definitely continue everything else and I definitely want to. I intend to. I will.
Long story short, I never want to stop self-actualizing. (Gee, Carl Rogers and I would have gotten along swimmingly).
But anyways, this log was more so for reflecting. On January 1st, 2019, I am going to write the log that will set the tone for the rest of my entire year – the same way I did in my log for the start of 2018, and the year before that one too.
Looking back is great to see how forward you’ve come. But being present is unlike anything you’ll ever experience. So for now, once I finish this log, I’m going to settle into a nice glass of white and watch one of my old favourite shows. Because that, in that moment, is simple peace to me. I need nothing more and nothing less.
Here’s to a magnificent, beautiful, amazingly incredible year. Thank you, Universe. Thank you, me. Thank you.