Day 2 – January 2nd, 2019

It’s so nice to not have to bunch up a whole series of days together! It’s also so weird to be typing “Day 2” again, LOL. I know I said the exact same thing last year when January began but still.

Okay! So to talk about what happened over New Years, as well as talk about my resolutions.

Actually, I think I want to talk about my resolutions first because they’re swirling around in my head and I don’t want to forget any of them while they’re still here.

I’m not going to go in any particular order – there’s big ones, little ones, important ones, basic ones, but nevertheless they’re all things that I would like to follow through on this year.

Let’s see… well, one thing that I started doing towards the end of last year that I would like to capitalize and follow through on is my new-found skin care regimen. I’ve recently invested in a proper toner, I received an incredible new eye cream in my gratis for the company I work for, I’ve got plenty of cleansers for my skin type, and I even have a jade roller now. I’ve gotten into the habit of actually taking off my makeup before bed and you know what? My skin has never felt healthier or clearer!

So that’s something I’d like to keep on doing. Next – all the stuff I mentioned in my end-of-year log: I want to meditate every night before I go to bed, consistently. And when I say meditate, I don’t mean sitting in silence while my mind goes haywire thinking about all sorts of things. I mean actively meditating – breath counting, mantras, guided meditations, you name it. I want to have discipline in this more than anything else (ironically; I know meditation is more of a go-with-the-flow kind of thing usually).

I also want to get back into my reading. I want a minimum of at least 15 new books by the end of this year, covering anything and everything. I just want to make sure I’m doing my part to expand my mind on my terms, for me. Not just through school and whatever else I may be going through in my days.

Next – this. I want to get back into the habit of writing each and every day, keeping in touch with myself, staying in tune with me. I want to make sure I’m writing in a way that keeps me grounded, in a way that doesn’t just keep track of all the things that happen to me or happen in my days.

I also want to get more organized and more disciplined with my time management skills – Olivia got me a new agenda that I can use and I remember sometime last year when I was using one, I got so organized and I was managing my time so efficiently.

Now, onto some bigger resolutions I’d like to manifest.

I want to start seriously building some savings and pay off all of my debt. It’s not a lot, but because it’s not a lot I also don’t take it seriously and I’ve let it be what it is for a very long time now. I know I shouldn’t worry about money – I know everything will work itself out in that regard and that I’ll always have what I need to do what I want. But this is yet another aspect of my life that I would like to start practising some discipline in.

Right now, whatever I save I end up spending towards my travels. And I’m not willing to compromise on that just yet, not when there’s still so much to see. It’s my passion, and I know eventually later on in life I’ll have to have some money in order to settle down (if I choose to, whatever I decide to do), but for now, I want to keep doing what I love while I can, physically and mentally.

Speaking of travel – I know this is a hefty one but I want to do exactly what I did last year. I want to go to at least a minimum of 4 new countries or places that I’ve never been to yet. There’s already some plans in the works that I’m hoping will come to fruition, but I’m determined. It will happen.

I also want to ask for another raise this year. We finished off this year strong, way above our yearly target, my productivity was good and consistent. So I’m going to ask to go from $21/h to $22/h. That way if I ever do happen to take on less hours, it doesn’t really matter because I’ll still be paid around the same.

In my relationship – I want to continue to grow, individually and with Adrian too. I know there’s still lots to learn about one another, but since we’re human and constantly changing, I also know we’ll always be learning about one another. I want to keep applying everything I’ve learnt in the past two years, but still learn further. I also want to keep adventuring with him, keep having light-hearted fun and keep exploring all this life has to offer. I want us to keep building our friendship and trust with one another as we continue onwards into our relationship.

In my friendships – I want to continue to exercise my boundaries while still diverting my energies as efficiently as I can towards the people I care about.

I want to take responsibility and face the things I encounter this year head-on. No beating around the bush, no avoiding. I want to learn how to separate my personal feelings from fact and learn how to act on fact rather than seeing things constantly through the lens of my thoughts and feelings.

That’s about all I can think about for now, so I’m going to reiterate everything I said in a numbered list form. But, instead of saying “I want to”, I’m going to say “I WILL”.

  1. I WILL take care of my skin and my self by properly following through on my new nightly skin care regimen.
  2. I WILL meditate every single night before I go to bed. I WILL do breath counting meditations, repeat mantras, listen to guided meditations and anything else that will help me to come to terms with and be at peace with the flow of thoughts in my mind.
  3. I WILL get back into my reading. I WILL read at least 15 new books before the end of this year, about everything and anything that will help me to expand my mind and my views/beliefs.
  4. I WILL write every single day in this blog. I WILL make sure I’m connecting with myself and not just regurgitating the occurrences of my days.
  5. I WILL become more organized and efficient with my time management skills. I WILL use my agenda to stay on top of things in my life.
  6. I WILL start a proper savings account for future purposes and I WILL pay off any outstanding debts that I’ve left around.
  7. I WILL travel to at least 4 new countries/places I’ve never been to this year.
  8. I WILL ask for a raise at work – and I WILL get it.
  9. I WILL continue to grow and learn in my relationship with Adrian. I WILL continue to get to know him as we continue on in our relationship with one another. I WILL be his partner in all things we encounter, and we WILL experience them together and pull each other through when need be. We WILL help each other to grow and be our best selves, and we WILL continue to build our foundation and our house.
  10. I WILL continue to maintain my boundaries in all my relationships (friendships and the like), and I WILL put effort into being consistent with where/whom I give my energy to.
  11. I WILL take responsibility for myself, my life, my actions, my decisions and my choices. I WILL face the things that I encounter head-on without avoiding or beating around the bush.

And one last very important resolution:

12. I WILL continue to self-actualize; I WILL continue to keep looking inwards, to continue learning about myself, to look inwards and understand who I am and why I am who I am. I WILL continue to pause before I react, to breathe, to have faith, and to trust the process.

There. Those are my goals/resolutions/manifestations for 2019.

These are the resolutions that will bring about my word of the year, “momentum”. And I’m truly so excited for everything this year has in store for me. It’s going to be… epic.

Anyways! I can finally talk about what went down over New Year’s Eve/Day when Adrian and I got together.

On the morning of New Year’s Eve, Adrian messaged me and told me that he would be able to get shrooms for that night, if I was down to do them. So I told him that if he was down, then so was I.

He invited some of his friends over, another couple, and the guy happened to have about 12 grams on him. He warned us they were rather strong, and that when the “trip” began to happen that we should just let go into it and let it be. His girlfriend described the feeling as being “floopy” and honestly, there’s no better word to describe what a shrooms trip feels like than that, LOL.

After an hour or so of eating them, we settled into the basement to watch the remake of Jumanji (which was surprisingly pretty good!) About 20 minutes or so into the movie, everything started getting really… melty. Like the faces of the actors in the movie, their features started getting weirdly warped and I honestly have no idea what they actually look like.

But it was awesome. Seriously, the initial part of the trip was so much fun. We all started giggling so much and even wondering why anybody ever chose to be sober when you’re able to feel that humanly good. It was Adrian’s first time doing shrooms too, and he was loving it. He agreed that it definitely felt euphoric.

Eventually, midnight rolled around and we popped some champagne to ring in the new year (and I got my New Year’s kiss, sigh). After that, we started watching 22 Jump Street and even started Hunger Games.

Around 3 in the morning though, Adrian’s friends decided to leave instead of crashing, so they headed out. Adrian and I finished the Hunger Games around 4 in the morning, and once we were done we finally decided to head to bed.

But, the basement was kind of a mess – there were half empty water bottles and cups everywhere, cans, empty pizza boxes, and the champagne had hit the washroom door, walls and floor so everything was sticky. So, we decided to start cleaning up a bit so that we wouldn’t have such a mess to deal with the next day.

Only… for some reason, neither of us were functioning well. I had decided to eat more shrooms in order to keep the trip going, and so had he. We were at a point where thoughts were not flowing in a proper order, and everything seemed so much more difficult to do than it should have been.

We were so scrambled. At first, it was kind of funny. But then…

Adrian started getting a little agitated, at first. He didn’t like that he couldn’t quite control his thought processes and as much as he didn’t want to have to clean everything up right that moment, he also seemed unable to go to bed unless everything was cleaned and organized. So I cleared my head to the best of my ability and started to help him out, even though he told me I should just go to bed and let him deal with it on his own.

There was no way I was going to do that though, so I picked up a bag and started getting rid of the garbage and organizing the recyclables. Only, he hadn’t done recycling in a while so things were starting to pile up – causing him even more irritation. I found a way to organize everything to the best of my ability and as calmly as I could, but I couldn’t quite understand why he kept telling me to go to bed. At one point, I started cleaning the floor and the walls in the basement with a wet cloth, and he actually half-snapped and said it was 4 in the morning and that I shouldn’t be doing that at that moment, and that he could do it himself.

And that’s when it hit me – he wasn’t irritated. He was anxious. He couldn’t deal with the fact that he wasn’t processing things properly, and the mess was freaking him out. He didn’t feel “in control”. It seemed like he was on the brink of a full-on panic attack. So I stood up and walked over to him. I explained to him (in my most soothing, calming voice) that I was his girlfriend – not just some girl he was seeing or someone random. Whatever he went through, I’d go through too. There was no way I was going to leave him alone with all of that mess to deal with. I told him that we’re a team, and we’d get through things together. It didn’t matter what time it was or what I was doing to help – I didn’t mind in the slightest. All that mattered to me was what I could do for him, or with him.

I also helped him to breathe. I had him breathe with me, deeply, one after the other as I willed with all my might that he feel what I was feeling, that he could feel my calm and my clarity. And it worked. I slowly felt his energy shift as we breathed, and for a little while he just pressed his forehead against mine as he calmed down.

Once he leaned away, there was stillness in his eyes. The panic left, and he was able to go about doing whatever else he needed to do.

Eventually, we did everything we needed to do and we were finally able to head to bed. Once we were all settled and holding each other close, I quietly asked him how he was feeling.

And his answer actually caught me off-guard – he said that he felt like he still needed to get to know me more.

To my credit, I didn’t react at all – in fact, all I said was a calm, “okay”, and then he explained himself further.

He told me that when we met, he could see how special I was. But with what had just happened downstairs, he had no idea just how special I truly am. And he wanted to know more, to understand why.

And I agreed too. I told him we definitely do still have more to get to know about one another, but that I was looking forward to doing so. I promised him that when I chose to be with him, I meant all of him. Every part.

We both wondered aloud why it was so difficult for people to be more vulnerable with each other. But it’s what we want from one another. The vulnerability. I think we each understand (now more than ever) that it’s the vulnerable moments we share that will truly allow us to get to know one another, to understand each other.

Eventually, despite still tripping and not being able to stop thinking, we managed to finally fall asleep around 7 in the morning. When we woke up, he seemed very quiet and thoughtful. We spent the day together, and finally I decided to bring up what had happened the night before.

I asked him if that was a bout of anxiety, and he nodded quietly. And then he apologized.

When I asked him why he was apologizing for that, he explained that he felt that when someone does something that seems uncharacteristic and they feel bad, that they should apologize for it.

I then explained that he didn’t need to apologize at all – in fact, I was happy that it happened. I want moments like that, moments where I see all of him and who he is as a person. Because those are the moments that are going to make us grow, both individually and in our relationship with one another.

He seemed so touched that I was so understanding, and he was so, so appreciative. I told him that he was such an amazing person, with an incredible massive heart and a passion unlike anything I’ve ever seen in anyone else.

I explained that neither of us were perfect; there would eventually be moments where the sun stopped shining and things would get difficult. But I promised him that we would get through those moments together.

He seemed to be so fascinated with the way I had handled things from the night before. He asked me how I came to be so mellow and calm, what led me to understanding when and how to react when it came to situations like that. And I told him the story about the past two years of my life in a little more detail – the “final straw” moment, the autopilot mode I finally got tired of, the therapy, the books, the momentum I finally introduced into my life.

He asked me if I still have any fears about the future, and I explained to him why my fears have become baseless now. I told him about my ocean metaphor – how in life, we tend to get so caught up in the surface of it all, the waves. We let ourselves get caught in the tide, pulled this way and pushed another way, believing we have no control over the outcome of where we end up. But beneath the waves, beneath all that turbulence is a beautiful stillness. A quiet, a peace, that everyone in this life is capable of reaching and maintaining. Because I’ve felt this stillness, because I know of this peace… I’m not really afraid of anything anymore. There’s so much more to life, so much of it that we can manifest – holding onto fear becomes pointless.

I know I still get caught up in the waves sometimes. I’m only human, and I live in this surface reality just like anyone else does. But it helps, tremendously, to be aware of the fact that the stillness exists.

He thought that was beautiful. He told me that one day, when I write my book and publish it, it’s going to help tons of people the same way I managed to help and guide myself. I thanked him for believing in my dreams, and I thanked him for being so vulnerable with me. He in turn thanked me for making it easy for him to do so.

I need to stop being afraid of crossing some kind of invisible boundary when it comes to him. I’m sometimes so afraid to make him uncomfortable (like asking about his mom for example), that I’m not giving him the space to be vulnerable with me, nor am I providing him with the opportunities to do so. In holding back, I underestimate his capacity to let me in, and therein I don’t really give him a chance.

Anyways, it ended up being a wonderful start to our new year. I’m so honoured and thankful that he wanted to spend the very last moments of 2018 with me, and to begin a new start with me in 2019 by his side as well. I have every faith that we’re going to continue to grow together.

There was this moment I was looking at him, and I got so emotional because I had this thought; I suddenly wished, with all my heart, that this amazing person in my life not be just another “lesson”. I don’t want him to be just another chapter in my story where I learn what I’m meant to learn or teach what I’m meant to teach, and continue on. I want this to be it. Because it’s so, so, so good. It’s better than I ever thought possible.

But, we’ll see what life has in store for us.

Well, that’s that to this log. So far, so good. It’s getting late now so I should probably wrap this up. I must say though – these are the last few days of my holidays. I start school next week, which means I’m going to be forming and settling into a new routine. This is a chance for me to begin again and I intend to make the most of it.

I read somewhere recently that it takes 21 days to form a habit and 90 days to form a lifestyle. Well, a lot of my resolutions are things I’d like to make a part of my lifestyle, so here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to track all the things I do for the next 21 days – the meditation, the skin care regime, using my agenda and staying organized, even waking up early and going to the gym at least 3 times a week – and on the 21st day, I’ll update myself on how my consistency and discipline is going. By Day 90, I want to have shaped my habits into part of my lifestyle.

Let’s do this! 2019, I’m so incredibly ready for you.

Love always,

Me.

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