Hello! Okay so I’m back home in the comfort of my fluffy pajamas. I’m feeling a little off today – like as though I’m about to get chills or I’m on the brink of a fever? Speaking of – my follow-up doctor’s appointment about my lymph nodes is in about a week, thankfully. One of my family friends (who works in oncology) took a look at them and then she messaged my mom to tell her that I should be very proactive about this.
I’m going to call during this week and see if she’s had any cancellations so that I can see her a little earlier, possibly. I just want this over with. As scary as a biopsy or even surgery sounds, I’d rather be safe than sorry when it comes to my life. I have way too much to do. But, whatever is meant to be will be.
Alright, now to catch up on yesterday in detail and then I’d like to do a self check-in, see how I’ve been feeling/doing, and then also talk about what my week is looking like for me what with finally going back to school since the holidays will be ending.
Let’s see… okay so I met Adrian at Finch station so that we could head to downtown together. While we were on the train, I told him I had some crazy news – I told him about how I booked my trip to Curacao for $180 for a week in May with my coworkers and he was so happy for me! He’s been there himself with the amount of cruises he’s been on, and he said the beaches are beautiful.
It’s so important to me to be with someone who won’t limit me or my passions, and travel IS my passion. I’m so over the moon that he supports my crazy spontaneous ways, and that he encourages me to pursue the things that make me the happiest.
We then talked about our own trip to New Orleans, albeit I was a little hesitant because I really didn’t want him to feel pressured or anything. But to my surprise and delight, he’s truly all for it! In fact, he wants to do some of the research on flights and accommodations himself instead of leaving it all to me. He mentioned the one thing he definitely wants to do is do a tour of the stadium, which I’m all for. And he’s even down to do haunted tours with me (New Orleans is notoriously known for their haunted places, witch craft and voodoo vibes).
He’s going to talk to his boss to see if he can take off those two days extra for vacation so that we can go for five in total, and once he gets the green light we can go ahead and book! His budget is also very flexible too, so as much as I want to find the best flight deals or the best hotel deals, we have a little leeway in terms of how much each of us are willing to spend.
I can’t wait to travel with him! We both seem like really go-with-the-flow and make-the-best-of-it kind of people so I’m sure we’d have such a good time together. Especially enjoying the jazz vibes and the amazing food.
Anyways, we eventually made it to downtown and walked over to the Dr. Seuss gallery. It was so quaint and so lovely!!! It featured actual works done by Dr. Seuss himself and brought back so many beloved childhood memories. We appreciated each and every work in the exact same way too – I can’t even begin to explain how happy it makes me that we share a love of art and music and good food, that our tastes coincide.
After we took our time at the art gallery and saw everything we could see, we decided to head out and walk around. We didn’t get far though – just beneath the gallery was this cute little cheesecake cafe/bistro and we decided to sit down for some tea and cheesecake.
We got pistachio cheesecake and holy crap – it was quite possibly some of the best cheesecake I’ve ever had. It was light and frothy, not heavy or too sweet at all.
But it wasn’t the cheesecake or the wonderful tea that was the highlight of this moment – it was the thought-provoking conversation we had during.
He started telling me about a podcast he’d been listening to recently (always about philosophy) and how they were talking about how morality can sometimes be imposed on us rather than something we choose or act on autonomously. For example, if a higher power tells us to go kill someone and we abide because we were told to do so, it’s almost as though we’re absolved of taking responsibility for doing it because we were told to (especially if it’s for something like that higher power saying they’d kill our families if we didn’t).
We talked about taking responsibility for our own decisions and the intention behind what we define as morality – we need to be accountable for the choices we make but make those choices from an informed place, for ourselves.
We also talked about universal truths, or what unites us as a humanity. He believes it’s those moments that everyone reacts unanimously to – like being at the edge of a cliff, or standing before the Grand Canyon, or even a beautiful sunset.
I imagined that feeling and just, breathed. This deep breath of pure feeling, because how do you explain that experience? You can’t, not really, not completely. We talked about that too – how the English language (or language in general) cannot seem to completely encapsulate our experiences or the feelings they evoke. We say “I love you”, but those words almost nowhere near capture the feeling behind them (this was a point he made, much to my curiosity).
It was such a good conversation. I made a point of telling him how happy I was that we could talk that way, about things that really matter or things that make us see differently, think differently.
It got to another level later though, at dinner.
Eventually we headed back home because he wanted to get all dressed up before dinner (which reminds me, I forgot – I had already dressed up really nicely beforehand because I knew we were going out to dinner later right? But when we sat down at the cafe, I had to take off my coat so he ended up seeing what I was wearing and LMFAO, his REACTION – he was speaking as we were taking off our coats and once I removed mine and he saw what I was wearing, his eyes went like O_O and he literally stopped speaking mid-sentence in shock, which made me burst out laughing. [I was wearing a tight-ish dress with a cleavage-y cut-out panel and a blazer]. It was so cute; he sat down slowly, still staring, and then shook himself a little and said out loud to himself that he had to remember we were in public, hehe. I don’t think I’ll ever, ever tire of how often he tells me that I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, sigh).
Once we stepped in, I saw something on his table that surprised me quite a bit… he’d bought a copy of Outwitting the Devil! I silently picked it up and gestured to him, and he just smiled. He explained that he was in the midst of reading The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari and that he was very much enjoying it, so he took any recommendation from me quite seriously. He warned me that just because he bought it didn’t necessarily mean he’d love it – only that he was open to trying anything and everything, giving it a shot. He promised to be open-minded.
It warmed my heart so much. He listens, he really listens to everything I say. And not only that – the things I’ve told him about my own journey into self-love and the peace I have has prompted him to do some work too. And it’s not for me or my benefit – it’s for himself. He’s so intent on working on himself and being the best he can be and attaining that peace that he’s willing to put in that work, no matter what that work will entail or where it’ll take him. Le sighhhh. I can’t believe I’ve met someone like him.
We sat for a little bit because we had some time to kill (and had to resist doing things that would undo all the hard work I put into my hair and make-up), and eventually he got up to get ready while I waited.
Once he was all set and came back, I nearly passed out – he’d put on a gorgeous dress shirt and even styled his hair off to the side in that ridiculously hot “I work on Wall Street” kind of way. I didn’t even know what to say LMAO, all I could do was tell him that we had to leave ASAP before I dragged him back upstairs to his bed, and then we’d miss our reservation.
He’d made reservations for us at The Keg!!! I was a little shooketh honestly because man The Keg is so expensive, but it was such a nice gesture. And funny enough, I’ve been craving steak like crazy lately! Definitely not a coincidence.
We got to the location and while we were waiting a few brief moments to be seated, we ran into someone he knew from high school. As they were catching up, Adrian turned around and introduced me as his girlfriend and JRJERLJTLEKJKEJT IT SOUNDED SO NICE TO HEARRRRRRR AHHHHHHHHHHHH. I know it’s just a word, a meaningless label if you will, but my whole entire heart. I’m so happy, LMAO :$.
Dinner was SO FUCKING GOOD – we had the package meal, so we got the delicious warm bread with the frothy and light whipped butter, a crisp Caesar salad with the freshest crunchiest croutons and shavings of Parmesan cheese, tender escargot and mushroom caps drowning in a delectable and savoury garlic-butter sauce that we soaked up with sweet french-bread afterwards, and we each got a juicy grilled steak and steamed vegetables – mine came with garlic mashed potatoes and his came with the loaded twice-baked potato. Ugh, I’m drooling just thinking about how good it all was.
BUT HOLY HELL OUR CONVERSATION.
We started talking about meditation – he mentioned that he recently tried to meditate for five minutes and ended up meditating for fifteen instead! He acknowledged that his mind did wander quite a bit, but he was trying his best to accept the flow of his thoughts rather than get dragged around by them.
So I started telling him some tips when it came to meditation – how the goal wasn’t to silence your thoughts per se, but to focus solely on one thing until the stream of consciousness was no longer the primary thing. For example, breath-counting meditation or guided meditations helped to remove focus from the constant thinking.
I started telling him about my own struggles with meditation; how sometimes I would be counting my breaths and all of a sudden, a voice behind the main voice in my head would start chiming in absent-mindedly about the goings-on of my day, or other vague thoughts, almost like a divide in my focus or consciousness. I explained that none of that mattered though, because it was the awareness behind all of that that mattered most, the “watcher” of our experiences. All of a sudden, he started to get this awe-struck look on his face.
He explained to me that since the time he was seven, he could hear that “voice behind the voice”, to the point that he was almost afraid he had split-personality or something. He was always aware that there was more to him than just him as he knew himself, more than just the way he identified himself or saw himself. That there was something behind all of that. He just didn’t know how to pose the question of what it was, or even where to start looking for answers.
So I explained to him to the best of my ability that there was absolutely nothing wrong with him – in fact, the fact that he experienced that “dichotomy” at all at such a young age showed how much of an old soul he truly is. I explained to him that he was simply aware of his awareness, but had no idea what it was or how to define it. Being aware of the fact that there is something there, the “watcher” is the one who is experiencing everything we go through changes everything.
It’s like this – we live our lives on the stage of a show, the show that is our lives. We are the main characters, experiencing everything we encounter, feeling everything those experiences provoke and thinking all the things accordingly right? Except, who is thinking the thoughts we think? Who is feeling those feelings? You’re going to say you, right? You’re thinking, “it’s me, I’m the one experiencing those things. Who else?” Yeah, but… who just thought that? Who or what is AWARE that you just thought that? What or who is hearing that voice in your head just now? In fact, who are YOU? Who are YOU really, outside and aside from everything you know yourself to be, aside from everything you’ve experienced? What is that consciousness behind your consciousness? Who or what is seeing your thoughts, experiencing your emotions?
You are it, as it is you. There isn’t really a dichotomy or separation between this awareness, as much as there seems there is. We are audience as much as we are the person in the show. Except, all we really know in this life and all we really allow ourselves to experience in the one-dimensional aspect of being in the show – in fact, I don’t think very many people in this life are aware of the fact that they are both audience AND the main character.
Being the main character and solely the main character limits your human experience. You believe that everything that happens to you is outside of your control. You live life reacting in various degrees to everything and anything that happens to you, living blindly moment to moment without any real conscious effort.
But… when you become aware of the watcher? That’s when the “pause” happens.
The “pause” allows you a moment to step away from your narrative, even if it’s for the briefest of moments, in order to see with utter clarity that you are not your thoughts and you are not your emotions. You are not all or only that you perceive yourself to be. You are so much more than just your primary stream of consciousness. We all are.
In that pause, you are in the audience watching yourself go through and live through your experiences as they happen. And rather than react blindly or think excessively or feel intensely, being in the audience gives you the opportunity to do differently. To enrich the quality of your human experience, no matter what that enrichment may entail to you.
He asked me if being in the audience made you detached or less invested in your human experience, and I explained that it was quite the opposite. Yes, being in the show made you care so very much about it, but it was usually to the extent that we often times suffer quite unnecessarily. Being in the audience, being aware that there is an audience and that you are in it does not in any way take away from your investment in the show, in your life. On the contrary – the moment you become aware of the fact that you are both watching your life unfold as you are living it, it suddenly becomes your personal responsibility to do your damn best to be in the audience and improve the quality of your life by doing every single thing you do with an unwavering sense of clarity and awareness. That, is real consciousness.
After I explained all of this to Adrian, we both just stopped and stared at each other, at a complete loss for words. He explained he was feeling a little bit emotional because he spent so many years of his life looking for this answer, the explanation I had just given, without even knowing what the question exactly was. I in turn was feeling rather light-headed – there are very few moments I’ve had where I’ve felt almost… high? Without actually taking any reality-altering substances. But that conversation had taken me to places I didn’t even know I could go.
I related it back to the night he had had that panic attack. I told him that I could have easily decided to remain in my primary consciousness, my “main character” state, and I could have done what he had insisted I do and went to bed, wondering all the while if I had done something wrong or why he was being the way he was. In that state, I would have been perceiving his experience through the lens of my own – my “ego”, the “main character-ness” surface level that we all reside in.
Instead, my watcher PAUSED. In essence, I paused. Behind everything that was happening, I was watching it all unfold (including my own experience) and I was able to step away from my show to see everything that was happening, aside from my own personal feelings and thoughts. And because of that pause, I could see he was anxious. That he was trying to push me away because he was panicked, not because he didn’t want me to be there. And in turn, I was able to react accordingly in a way that mutually benefitted both of us, that enriched both of our experience.
Our primary consciousness seeks drama. It seeks turbulence, it seeks anything we can use to firmly root ourselves in our identity, our ego. We all love the show, and therefore suffering is our way of knowing we exist, to some extent. But our watcher is behind all of this, our watcher is the truth of our identities. We are watcher as much as we are main character. But we choose to remain in main character mode at all times and experience our life in this way because it’s so much easier than constantly trying to be aware of our experience.
Wow this was a long log.
I feel the exact same way now as I did in that conversation. I just… I can’t believe I have met someone in this lifetime who sees what I see, knows what I know, feels what I feel. Who can connect with me, truly, on this level.
He told me that I was the answer he’s been looking for all this time, and I told him that I’ve never met anyone like him before in my life.
What I feel for him, what I feel for this and as a result of all of our talk transcends anything I can explain efficiently, regardless of how many words I know in the English language. And that’s okay. We both understand without a single doubt that this falls into one of those things in life that you can’t quite explain – only feel, experience and hopefully understand.
He understands his awareness now, and what work needs to be done as a result. But he wants it for himself – he knows it’s his personal responsibility to do his best to remain in the audience, to be the watcher rather than the experiencer, to go through life knowing that he has every control over how it turns out and how he reacts to it all.
And he will. I have every faith that he can, and he will. And in the moments that either he or I get caught up in the narrative again, we’ll remind each other of the watcher.
I had half a mind to ask him if he believes in soul mates, LMAO. Real talk though. I didn’t know I could experience anything like this.
I spent the night, and the next day I did end up drawing the conversation back to his ideas on love – how the words “I love you” pale in comparison to the feeling itself. I asked him what he believed truly encompassed or conveyed the truth of that feeling, and he said it was action. It’s the things you do that really shows someone how much you love them and how deeply you feel that emotion, in combination with the words.
Well, I intend to show him in every thing I do, just how deeply I feel for him. And then one day when I do say the words, he’ll know without a doubt just how much I mean them when I say them.
No rush though. For some reason… it feels like we have forever, however long that may be.
Well, that’s that. I didn’t expect this log to be this long, LOL! It’s been a while since I went so in depth though, it was nice.
I really want to do my self check-in as well as talk about this week, but I’m also off tomorrow from both work and school. In fact, I made sure that for the next three months, Monday would always be my safe-haven day, my me-day away from my obligations. So tomorrow, I will write those things into my log.
I didn’t get a chance to meditate last night because I ended up knocking out before I could, so tonight I will meditate a little longer to compensate. On the bright side though, I’ve gotten back into my writing without a hitch and Wednesday will mark a week of consistently writing every day. Hooray!
Until tomorrow then!
But before I go…
My god am I ever thankful. I can feel gratitude emanating off of me in waves. I’ve been restlessly and vaguely thinking lately that all I want, what I especially wanted from this year alongside all my other resolutions, was to improve the quality of my conversations, my interactions, and my connections with people as a whole. And man… the Universe found a way to listen once more, as it always does.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Truly, from the bottom of my heart.
Love and light always,