Day 15 – January 15th, 2019

Hello!

Everything went well with my doctor’s appointment, basically more of the same “it’s a mystery but let’s do all sorts of tests to rule out what it’s not”. I have to do a chest X-ray, and I just got yet another needle in my arm for a TB test (sidenote – TB?!?! What the fuck?! But I mean like I’m not coughing up a lung or anything like that so may as well rule it out I guess).

I’m starting to get a little frustrated. I’ve never had to deal with my health for this long before (minus my brief stint in the hospital for that stupid UTI/kidney thing) and I honestly feel fine (minus the recent pains and whatnot).

But like, come on man. I take care of myself well enough don’t I? Sigh.

I guess I’m just a little bit more irritated today than I usually am with this because Adrian and I were on the phone and about to book our ticket to New Orleans and I was in the midst of telling him about my doctor’s appointment when he suddenly asked if I knew that I was okay to fly.

I was caught off guard and I admitted I hadn’t asked that and before I could say anything else, he said he wouldn’t book the ticket until we knew that for sure, once again taking this trip from out of my grasp when it’s SO. CLOSE.

So, maybe it’s not just my health that has me fidgety. For the past 2 years of my travels, I’ve never really had to depend on anyone else – whenever Luna and Lana suggested we go somewhere it would be because they was ready to book at the drop of a hat, and that’s how I am too. Even travelling with my mom and my sister – I’d be the one to pull that trigger and I got no hesitation from either one of them. Travelling by myself allowed me the luxury of completely planning my trip for me, by me.

I’m not used to this hemming and hawing when it comes to my travels. I know how volatile the flight world is (speaking of, as soon as we hung up the flight jumped up in a price $25 bucks, ugh) and I always act on impulse and it hasn’t failed me yet. I travel on faith, on intuition, and each and every time has worked out amazingly well for me.

So I guess it’s a foreign concept to me to be… thorough, I suppose. It’s disconcerting to my “go-with-the-flow, impulsive, sporadic” nature. I don’t hesitate. That’s not me.

I know he means well, and I know if we’re gonna travel together I’m going to have to compromise. If he’s more of a by-the-book, thorough, rational person when it comes to travel, I’m going to have to learn how to work with/around that (to some extent).

WE WERE SO CLOSE TO BOOKING THOUGH DAMMIT.

I also wonder why he’s hesitating so much. Like we went from waiting a week to book, to now potentially waiting another week. And tomorrow marks a month until we’d leave so we’re cutting it pretty close. Am I projecting, or is he hesitating for other reasons? I get travelling with someone else is a big step. You get to know that person in ways you don’t on a regular basis.

Since I don’t know any of that for sure though, there’s no point in dwelling or creating situations that don’t exist in my head. So I’m nixing that train of thought immediately.

Bottom line is, I’m calling the clinic as early as I can tomorrow to get that green light. I don’t give a flying fuck what the price is, we’re booking tomorrow and that’s that.

LIFE’S TOO SHORT TO HESITATE!!!!!! TO HOLD BACK, TO DILLY-DALLY, TO WAIT!!!!

I won’t live that way. Lord knows my impulsivity has gotten me into various situations but man, I wouldn’t be who I am today without those lessons learnt or experiences gained.

Anyways, I really hope this whole health thing sorts itself out soon enough. I’ve come to terms with the uncertainty and I’m curious to know what it may be but I’m not down to change the way I live my life to accomodate any of this. It has got to go, like boy byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I have my academic appointment tomorrow to make sure everything’s up to speed, and class before that. Thursday I’m going to do my X-ray (back to the hospital I go) and Friday I get my results for the TB test, which means by then she’ll let us know which direction we’re proceeding in (in terms of what further testing we’re going to do).

I’m just going to keep imagining that these babies are going down and disappearing and manifest that into my reality. My faith and my trust in the process has never failed me before, so I’m going to keep going on that note.

I’ll write tomorrow once all the hubbub of my day subsides. Until then!

Love always,

Me.

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