Day 16 – January 16th, 2019

I had quite the ordeal today! BUT, on the bright side it turned out to be a good day after all.

So this morning as I was getting ready, my train of thought ran off course before I could do anything to bring it back – I started worrying about my health, my seeming lack of control over it, picturing the worst, and ultimately just feeling… helpless.

I managed to get the train of thought back on course for the most part but the damage had been done, the spark ignited the forest and everything went up in flames – while I was on the bus to school, LMAO. I literally broke down crying, pulled my hood over my eyes and didn’t make eye contact with anyone as I did so, le sigh. It was actually kind of funny, I was lowkey amazed that I couldn’t stop myself from holding it together! It’s been a while, but then, it’s been a while, so it made sense (unlike this sentence).

Coincidentally, once I’d managed to pull myself together and get myself to class, Adrian messaged and asked if we could hang out today. He even asked to come down to my ends since I’d been making my way over to his a lot as of late, which was sweet. And quite literally perfect timing, I just wanted a hug at this point LOOOL.

I got through class, went to my academic appointment (which went really well! So far, everything seems to be on track school-wise and I know what I have to do to stay on track. Proud of myself!) and then stopped by the grocery store on the way home to grab some stuff so I could cook dinner for us.

I made mussels with my secret recipe, and my mom and I collaborated and made some roast garlic-seasoned potatoes and yams, blackened shrimp and a Caesar salad on the side.

It was a nice dinner! We all together to eat, my mom had a ton of wine (LOL) and Adrian took it all in stride, thankfully.

It was so nice to see him. As much as I don’t like asking for help or leaning on anyone, I forgot how nice it feels to actually lean on someone (like, literally). He kinda just held me for a little while and it felt so good, it made my heart feel full.

One month from today, and we’re leaving to New Orleans together!!!!!! I’m so excited to travel with him. I know we’re going to be okay. Better than okay – we’re going to have an amazing and fun time together, and I can’t wait!

Anyways, that’s about all for today. Tomorrow I have to somehow wake up early and get a chest x-ray done before I head to class in the evening. I already feel like I’m going to need a nap, is that weird? Like I just feel it.

As for my whole break down this morning – I’m glad it happened, I immediately felt relief as I was crying. I don’t think I let myself feel or think too much about this situation in general as to not give power to it and to not manifest anything I don’t want, but in doing that I was also avoiding how I felt about it, which is… scared. I’m scared, somewhere deep down. Not because I don’t know I’m okay, I do know that. I know everything’s going to be fine.

I’m scared because of the uncertainty. I really don’t like not knowing what’s going on or what I can do to help myself on exact terms. I’ve spent the past two years of my life regaining stability in my emotional and mental health and I’ve even managed to learn how to take care of myself physically to some extent. So to have this feel out of my grasp, it’s scary. But I know I’m going to be, and am, just fine. I’m okay.

It’s a nice reminder from the universe that I’m not superhuman and my train of thought can absolutely get derailed from time to time. I’m humbled and happy.

Well, time for some shut-eye before tomorrow! Until then!

Love love always,


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