Day 23 – January 23rd, 2019

Hello! Short quick log today, it’s been a long day and I want to sleeeeeep.

I’m feeling restless lately. I can’t put my finger on it and I’m not quite sure what it is. I’m happy and I’m grateful for my… “routine”? But also… I’m… bored, I think.

I’m not sure what I’m searching for or what I need honestly. Just pulled the whole “impulsive hair dye” thing (hello again, blue-purple) and that kind of helped but nope, that ain’t it.

Is it my wanderlust maybe? I wasn’t really made to keep my feet on the ground honestly, and it’s been over 4-5 months since I’ve travelled last – which isn’t a lot really, but for me it kind of is I suppose.

Is it my choice to feel discontent? Am I discontent because I’m learning to be at peace and this is my ego-self’s way of seeking the “drama” that allows it to remain firmly rooted in itself, in its identity? Am I longing for more because I don’t know how to be still yet?

Or am I looking for more because I know there’s more? And what is this “more” I seek? Is it my book? Am I feeling this way because I’m not working quite towards any particular goal or fulfilling task? Is it because my days have begun to blur together again? Am I drifting? Am I losing the “why”, the reasons I began on this path inwards? What am I searching for?

I want to feel, but not in a ego-driven, attachment-riddled, forest-fire kind of way. I want the feeling sand between my toes gives me, or the feeling you get at the breath-taking sight of sunrise over a horizon where water meets the sky. That kind of peace is complete in itself.

Which begs the question, why am I not at peace now? What is causing my dissatisfaction in this moment? My inner voice says a lack of gratitude – in the desire for this “more”, this promised land or sparkling oasis, I fail to appreciate where I am right now and therefore cause my own disillusionment.

am happy, though. I’m happy to go to work, happy to go to school, happy in those quiet moments I find for myself when I tuck away somewhere to read a couple chapters of my book. I’m happy when I spend time with the people I care about and I’m happy when I’m by myself doing absolutely nothing.

I hate that society has imbued us with this notion that we have to constantly be doing something, striving for something, working towards something on a constant basis or else you’re not fulfilled or successful. Ambition is programmed into us as though it is a quality we cannot live without, like compassion or kindness. Now those are important qualities.

And don’t get me wrong – I know ambition and motivation are important, I know they’re not “bad” qualities per se. To quote one of my favourite shows, “we need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts.”

I’m just saying we’ve been so programmed to constantly be moving towards something or some goal external to us – high school diploma to university or college degree to job to money to house to bills to marriage to family (and sadly not even for the sole sake of having kids but because we were told we have to do these things) and this same cycle of money and bills repeat over and over and over until we retire and die. All because this is what we’ve been taught is a “fulfilled life”.

But you know, maybe it is for some – I don’t want to bash this lifestyle completely because some people can actually turn it into something worthwhile by just taking it all as it comes and doing the best they can. I just don’t know if it’s the lifestyle I want for me.

So yeah, back to my train of thought – maybe that’s why I can’t sit still or just be for more than a couple moments before I start to wonder what “more” I can be doing with myself, or “what’s next”. Because it’s literally in my neural wiring to not be present; to be fixated on the future or the next moment or even what’s to come tomorrow. I don’t know how to be here, right now, and stay here.

The reason I began my journey inwards, the reason I learnt about meditation and read as many books as I have is because I wanted to learn how to be present, stay present, and be at peace. Because I wanted to stop the way my emotions and thoughts dragged me around like a wild unbridled horse. Because I wanted to get a hold of my anxiety and my fears. Because I wanted to learn how to love myself so completely that that love shone into every other aspect of my life.

I think I have to remind myself that these reasons aren’t just little checkmarks on some invisible list. These are life-long processes that I have to nurture, maintain, and put effort into on a constant and conscious basis. Just because I’ve made massive strides on a lot of these things doesn’t mean I’m done – that idea will lead to complacency, and inevitably the very disillusionment and restlessness I’ve been grappling with as of late.

…well. LOL, every time I say I’m going to type a short log I end up writing everything that goes on in my head and it turns into a long log. This is good though, this means the book I’m reading is making me think, it’s challenging me more than I thought it was and it’s making me ask questions I haven’t asked myself in a while.

It’s good to ask yourself from time to time why you’re doing what you’re doing, what you want/need for yourself and where those motivations stem from. That kind of self-awareness allows you to make decisions and act from a place of clarity instead of mindlessly doing the same things over and over in a muddy haze of confusion and autopilot state.

I feel a lot better. This is what my life is right here, right now, right this moment. Not a second from now, not a minute from now, not what I’m about to do or what I’ve just done. It’s right here, this moment exactly. And right here, right now, I am happy. I am grateful. I am present.

And that is all, at this moment.

Love always,

Me.

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