Day 26, 27, 28 – January 26th, 27th & 28th, 2019

Hello! I missed a couple logs this past weekend because I spent it with Adrian, but I’m back home now (and out of the snow – there’s currently about 20-30 centimeters coming down with no mercy at the moment).

It’s been such an amazing weekend! So from the start – meeting Radha’s new guy was nice. He has a very interesting vibe, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but I must say he is definitely very up front about who he is and makes no apologies for it whatsoever, which I respect. He’s also very in tune with his spirituality and is very adept at being present, which I think will be good for Radha in the long run if she can learn to go with the flow the way that he does. We’ll see how it goes!

The next day, I headed over to Adrian’s area so that we could go to the gym together. His gym is massive, complete with several pools, infrared and steam saunas, even a hot tub! It was so relaxing to just sit in the hot tub with him, we even stayed in the pool for about an hour and I swam some laps.

After that, we went grocery shopping together because he wanted to make pizza from scratch (have I mentioned how lucky I am to be dating an Italian guy? Actually, I’m just lucky in general, hehe).

It was the perfect night in – we made the pizza together, binged on some Netflix (finished “You” and started that new docu-series on Ted Bundy) and I rolled some joints for us (that actually came out quite well, if I do say so myself).

The next day I started gearing up to leave before he had work in the afternoon but on a happy circumstance, I was able to stay another day/night. Luckily I’d brought some books and notes, so I decided to study for the exams I have this week while he worked his soccer game.

Only, half way through his game, I started getting really sleepy (and he wasn’t joking about the couch in his basement – it IS that comfortable) and I ended up falling asleep. A couple moments later, I woke up briefly to find him tucking me in with a cozy blanket so that I’d be warm and comfortable and my heart melted.

I ended up taking a quick nap while he worked, and after he finished his shift and I woke up, we had dinner together and watched some more stuff on Netflix. Honestly, I love staying in, being lazy and cuddling with him just as much as I do all the cool date activities we get up to when we go out. It’s just so nice to be home in the warmth sometimes, you know? I’m just as much house cat as I am impulsive outdoor kitty.

And I appreciate so much when we get to fall asleep/wake up next to one another. Sometimes I can’t fall asleep because I’m just too happy to be sleeping next to him, as cheesy as that may sound heh. He usually knocks out before I do, and he ends up falling asleep on my shoulder or cuddled up against me with no problem. In fact, even when we are sleeping, we’re always finding someway to touch or be entwined, which I love.

I remember so distinctly how Nick would never really cuddle – he never “saw the point” or the appeal of it. So on the chances we did fall asleep together, I’d always end up trying to cuddle his back or scooch closer to him because he’d always turn away and move further. I think that’s why I appreciate how much Adrian enjoys being close with me, as equally as much as I enjoy being close to him.

This morning when we woke up, he was telling me how much good I’ve brought to his life and that he had no idea he could be this lucky. He said he’s more lucky than he can even begin to imagine, with me. I told him that he means the world to me, and that no one’s ever made me feel like this, so appreciated and cared for, and he assured me it was the least he could do. I told him I never really had it this good before and that’s why I appreciate him so much.

We really have had it so good for the past 10 months that we’ve been seeing one another. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year, and yet it seems like it hasn’t been that long either. I’m so happy we’ve met though, and I told him that as well. That I’m excited to adventure with him, to learn and grow with him.

I constantly have to keep reminding myself that everything I do is a choice. Every feeling I give energy to, every thought I decide to pick out and focus on, those are all choices. And even though I can’t control what the future holds, I know I definitely have a hand in shaping my reality and you know what? I can see this guy being end-game for me, I really can. Again, don’t know what the future holds and I know people change and all of that. But in this meanwhile, in this present moment, that’s how I want to focus on this. I don’t want to be with anyone else, I don’t want to entertain any ideas to the alternative, I don’t want to imagine the worst or imagine the “other shoe dropping”. I worked for this, I manifested this, I’ve been waiting for this and now I have it. I’m not going to let fear warp or change the way I see how good I have it with Adrian.

^ and that’s what I want to remember moving forward, no matter what comes my way. How good it feels to be wrapped up in his arms when he’s holding me tight, how happy he makes me, how he makes me laugh, how he literally just looks at me and smiles so contentedly, how he makes it so clear that he cares about me without trying to hold me down or hold me back, how he encourages me and my whims and my dreams equally, how supportive he is of my spiritual, mental, physical and emotional well-being, and so, so much more. He gives me the freedom I need to be me and cherishes all the things that I entail.

Like that flower metaphor – if I were a flower, instead of trying pick me (thereby breaking my roots and killing my growth) so that he could have me (possession borne from attachment), he’s giving me the space to grow and flourish while tending to me where and when he can in order for me to grow as healthily and beautifully as I can (freedom born from assurance and awareness).

That is all I’ve ever wanted. In my other relationships, I’ve been picked and held way too tightly, and then I was neglected and left to wilt. All I’ve ever wanted was the freedom to be me, to grow, to learn on my own terms, and be with someone who could support, encourage, and appreciate that.

And I have that now. I won’t jeopardize that, not with fear or holding back or trying to be perfect or any other self-sabotaging habits I used to engage in.

Anyways, that’s it for this past weekend! We’re both really excited for our New Orleans trip coming up in less than three weeks, and counting down the days until we take off.

This week I have two exams, my company is hosting a dinner for the team and I also have my CT scan. So it’s going to be a busy week, but I’m looking forward to it. They actually called me today and schedule the CT scan – I tried to maneuver it so that I had it later in the week when I’m more free, but they wouldn’t let me because apparently it was a priority requisition so I had no choice but to squeeze it in tomorrow morning before/during my work shift. I let Maria know I’d be late but honestly, health comes first above all so it doesn’t really matter what she would have said (no offence to her of course).

There’s something I want to write about, but I’m struggling to type it out because I’m having trouble being transparent with myself at the moment. Mostly because I think I feel guilty? Before I jump the gun though, I may as well explain.

I had my whole day to myself today. Not to mention, I had the whole house to myself. It was quiet, brightly lit, a perfectly conducive environment to get some studying done, right?

I did anything but.

I ate, watched shows, shovelled the driveway twice, got all my work set up and left it where it was, and started this log… at least 4 hours ago. I kept getting distracted and getting up and that’s why I’ve been writing as long as I have.

My procrastination was a choice, and that’s why I feel guilty. I can’t seem to separate my personal feelings of distaste or my aversion to studying – but the crazy thing is, I actually enjoy school! I enjoy learning!!! Why do I have so much trouble starting these things, why do I do everything and anything I can do to avoid it when I know full-well I NEED to study and my entire degree is on the line if I don’t do well?!?!?!

I keep telling myself, “just do it, just grin and bear it, set aside your feelings about it and do it”, but I didn’t. Is that a choice too? Well yes, it is, but why do I feel the way I feel about studying? Why can’t I sit for more than thirty minutes without feeling like I need to get up and walk around or look at my phone or do anything other than study? How is it that I can focus perfectly well on anything I enjoy, but when it comes to studying or even sitting through one entire log, I can’t seem to do that?

I wasted this whole entire day when I could have gotten so much work done, so much. But I chose not to. It’s almost scary, the level of apathy I feel towards it until it’s too late. It’s almost like a dissociative state.

Have I not hit that point of no return where I know I can’t do this to myself anymore? That’s what led me to looking inwards, to trying to better my life in all the aspects I could right? So why haven’t those changes I made stuck in terms of this aspect of my life?

Maybe it’s because I spent so much time not prioritizing school that those are the neural pathways I’ve solidified? How do I re-wire those impulses and reactions? I did EMDR therapy to re-wire my old thought processes regarding how I perceive myself and that worked wonders, but I guess I never really addressed my struggles or feelings in regards to school.

Maybe that’s something I can take on this year. Maybe that’s the thing that I need to take on this year. My attention span when it comes to school (or lack thereof), and the deeper connotations behind that struggle. It’s been a recurring theme for most of my life and I used to chalk it up to a lot of what was going on in my life before – the up and down’s with my dad and family, my anxiety, my lack of discipline, even the big external things like being cheated on or when I got hit by the car.

But now that I’ve spent the last two years clearing away a lot of that mental/emotional rubble, I’m still here feeling like this and stuck in this loop of apathy/anxiety when it comes to school, studying, tests, you name it. It’s time to get to the root of it, once and for all. And I know the only place I can start is with me, by going inwards, by being completely honest with myself.

Because I can’t do this to myself anymore. The same way I was so tired of feeling numb on a constant basis two years ago, and finally took my life into my own hands to help myself and grow in self-love, it’s time to do the same in this aspect too. This is also a part of my self-love journey.

I’ve already decided that I want this degree for myself, for me. If I’m struggling with any of the residual feelings or ideas that I’m only doing this to make my parents happy, or that I don’t really know what I’m going to do after, or that I don’t really want to do this at all and that I’d rather drop out, then those are themes/feelings I need to deal with head-on, work through, and work with in order to get to the main healthy feeling that’s fueling why I’m still in school and why I’m still trying to get this degree.

If I have the capacity to be aware that my desire to procrastinate is a choice, then I can very well decide to do what I can re-wire those neural pathways and old habits and do better for myself, because I deserve better than this same cycle.

I have to really want though. I know from experience that this can’t be some fleeting burst of motivation of wanting more and then ultimately not doing anything about it at all. So, what can I/am I going to do differently? Where am I going to start?

Let’s see… okay so for now, I have these two exams coming up. All I can really do now is try, once again, to set aside my personal feelings when it comes to studying and get some work done. Make a schedule, drink that coffee, put away my phone (or throw it out the window better yet) and use my agenda properly. Catch myself when I try to stray and ask myself why I feel the need to do so and if it’s necessary. Exercise more discipline when it comes to “study breaks” – how long they are and what I do with them.

These are all short-term solutions I can implement in the meantime. Long-term wise?

I think I need to dedicate a whole log to some introspection regarding this topic. Really dig deep and getting into the nitty-gritty, the way I did in my therapy sessions with Nadia. It was ugly, hard, I cried a lot, I had to work through so much pain, but in the end I was so much better for it and no longer held back by myself or old thought processes. I need to do the same in this case too, I believe. And I want to try to do so by myself with everything I’ve been equipped with and everything I’ve learnt. But if I can’t get to the bottom of it by myself, then I’ll contact Nadia again. I’ll even speak to my family doctor about maybe getting assessed for ADD like I’ve been recommended to do, time and time again.

This was such a good log! I’m glad I was honest with myself, I assuaged a lot of the anxiety I was feeling about it and this day by just being honest and confronting these feelings head-on.

Today was a write-off, and that’s okay. I’m not going to get anywhere if I continue to berate myself and feel guilty. On that same note though, I can’t just let this keep happening without addressing it or accepting the consequences of not figuring this out.

One thing at a time. I’ve got this. I believe in myself, I really do. Everything’s going to be okay.

Anyways, this was a nice long log but I think it’s time to wrap it up! I’ve got to get some rest because I’ve got a long day tomorrow.

I’ll write when I get that chance to!

Love always,

Me.

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