Hello! Okay so today I was feeling a little anxious/low but you know what’s good to realize? Everything is impermanent, temporary, and this feeling shall also pass. I think it was a residual effect from yesterday but also from the fact that my exam is tomorrow and once again, I could barely bring myself to study. Somewhere far off in the back of my mind, there’s some alarm bells going off but they’re so far away I can barely hear them, and BELIEVE ME I know how insane that sounds because I’m literally sitting here with my books and notes open in front of me and even then found a good 10-20 reasons to get up out of this chair and wander away to do something.
It’s fine. It’s fine. I have more chances to salvage my mark for this course (which isn’t really how I should be thinking in all honesty, I know that) and it’s a psych course so chances are I’ll at least know 60% of the course material by fluke anyways so. There’s that. It’s all going to be fine, and I’m going to be fine, I’m going to figure this out and rewire these goddamn impulses if it’s the last thing I do.
Good news though!!! I GOT MY RAISE MOTHAFUCKAASSSSS!!!! Maria messaged me today this morning to let me know she spoke to our company rep about getting me a raise, fought for my case and how hard I’ve worked this past year, and I GOT IT!!! I’m so utterly and completely thankful to Maria, the Universe and my rep for this. I put it out there but I didn’t really take it upon myself to manifest or work towards it, and either way it happened. I’m so grateful.
January is slowly coming to its close, so I took a look at my agenda today for the month and you know what? It was actually a pretty busy month, despite the fact that I didn’t really have work! I’ve been out every weekend doing stuff with different people, I’ve gone to like 348394853948 doctor’s appointments and have gone to the hospital 94838534 times and I’ve been keeping up with my classes too, attendance wise.
So I guess it makes sense that I really didn’t get a chance to completely finish my book, or do anything for myself personally (minus the habits I’m trying to implement). Speaking of those – this past weekend I broke my streak pretty badly for my skincare regimen, meditating, AND writing – which are all very important things to me and integral to my own external self-care. That may be a part of why my mood has taken a dip lately too. Also, I don’t remember the last time I’ve done anything by myself, for myself. Like taking myself out to dinner or a movie, or just hiding away somewhere quiet to smoke a joint and listen to music even.
Here’s a new rule I’m going to stick by – for those habits, if I go more than 2-3 days without doing those things, then I’m back to day 1 of the 21-day habit formation phase. I’m not going to consider it towards my 90-day lifestyle check-in if there are periodic breaks in the habit-forming phase. So, yesterday counts as Day 1, which means that Day 21 will be… February 18th, smack dab in the middle of my New Orleans trip.
I meditated while I was in Hawaii and it was great. I have to do the same in NOLA, someway, somehow. That’s where my discipline will be tested the most, I’m sure.
If Adrian can get up in the middle of watching a movie with me to do sit-up’s and push-up’s because he missed a day at the gym (which I admire the hell out of – his discipline is incredible, honestly), I sure as hell can train myself to NEED meditation and have these logs be a natural urge than a forced impulse. I can do this.
Well, that’s all for today! I’ll write tomorrow after my exam… wish me luck? Heh.
Oh wait – my CAT scan went well today! It was a little nerve-wracking at first because they left me with a needle and a tube in my arm for like an hour and MAN despite the amount of tattoos I have, I DO NOT like needles. And then when they put me into the machine, I had to calm myself down by focusing on my breathing because I wasn’t allowed to move or open my eyes for the duration of the scan. I could feel the moment they started pumping the contrast ink into bloodstream through the IV, it was such a weird feeling! But at least that’s over with now.
I hope these last rounds of testing will be the last I have to go to the doctor’s/hospital. My nodes swelling have gone down so much (thank goodness) and I rarely get the fatigue/chills anymore. Now it’s just a matter of figuring out what the heck happened/is happening and moving forward from there.
All good stuff! Lots to look forward to, plenty to do, lots of good to come. And right now, right here in this moment, all is well, and that’s all I can really ask for.