Day 30 – January 30th, 2019

I wonder if it’s the weather that has me feeling all moody these days. I love snow and winter but lately it’s just… man, I miss the sun and the warmth. Maybe I should start taking my Vitamin D supplements again.

I’m in a funk and I need to snap out of it! Is it being home so much? Is it the energy here? What is it about this place? Maybe it’s just me. Man.

I don’t like the way I sound. If I were outside myself, what would I say to me?

“Just choose to be happy. Be grateful.” To that I would say, “I am! I swear! I am happy, I am grateful!”

Emotions are weird. Feeling is weird. We attach so much weight to a bunch of neurochemicals, hormones and nerve impulses and shape our reality around them. We’re literally just a soup of chemistry.

Of course, we’re the one who attach meaning to our “feelings”. Good, bad, etc. Suppose I take those connotations away and what am I left with?

Well, I’m listless. Can’t focus. I’m bored, restless. I feel sluggish and my mind feels cloudy and muddy. If I take away “good/bad” then those things just are, I guess. Then it becomes a matter of how I change those states, instead of sitting here and just being with those feelings.

Here’s what I know I need to do: I need to get up. I need to start moving around, working out again. I need to stop sitting and binging shows because oh my god my eyes and my brain are going to pour out of my ears and all over the floor if I binge one more goddamn show. (Sex Education was pretty damn good though, I definitely recommend it).

I think the fact that I haven’t been working as much is also adding to all this. I’m mismanaging all this time I’ve been given and therein not really being productive or doing anything for me.

On the bright side, at least I’m being fairly consistent about meditating, writing, even using my diffuser to fall asleep and get some good rest and clear whatever allergens are in the air that make me so goddamn sniffly and sneezy when I’m home. Oh, I got a Himalayan pink salt lamp!! That’s also a good start, apparently it has a ton of benefits like improving mood, blood circulation, it has negative ions that cancels out the positive ions that cellphones, computers and other electronics give out, it gets rid of allergens in the air, and creates an overall positive atmosphere, so I’m looking forward to getting that tomorrow.

I’ll start doing the vitamin D again too. I’m honestly so terrible at remembering to do things but if I can just learn to make it a part of my daily routine and make it stick, then I won’t forget.

Mentality wise – it’s about time I start getting back into my reading. Yes it’s winter and yes it’s cold so yes it’s harder for me to go out and do things. But that doesn’t mean I should waste away all my time at home doing nothing. All those hours spent binging Netflix could have very easily been chanelled into reading chapters from my book, studying, writing more, organizing my room, little self-care rituals, literally anything but just binging. Maybe I will ask Olivia to change the password as she was threatening to do so before LOOOL.

This really is a constant battle inwards and upwards eh? I’ve been getting so lazy and complacent in maintaining myself and my needs and it really shows, it really makes a difference.

I can’t wait until February. I’m going to get more hours, I won’t have exams to stress me out (which will give me enough time to figure out what the hell is wrong with me), I have my trip with Adrian to look forward to, reading week, and I also have some goals I’d like to achieve for myself – namely, finishing that petition.

I’ll take every single fresh start that I can get.

Anyways, time has once again eluded me and now it’s late. I’m going to head to bed and get a proper night’s sleep for the first time this week. Until tomorrow!

Love always,

Me.

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