Day 35 – February 4th, 2019 (the real log)

It’s been a really long time since I wrote something that wasn’t for anyone’s eyes but my own. I hadn’t really realized, but after having writing directly on my online log for the past couple months, I started writing with an audience in mind (knowing that people I know read my logs, therefore can check in on me through reading them – my own fault, my own fallacy).

It’s so hard to even write this without wondering if I’m going to post this online and whether or not I should filter or censor myself. But from what? For whom? And why?

These logs are supposed to be my safe space. My place for connecting with myself so I always have a good idea about what’s going on with me, and why.

I’m just going to type whatever comes into my head, which I haven’t done for a while.

Okay.

Well.

I don’t really know what’s going on with me. I get into these moods, these “lows” where I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. Listless, restless, bored. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I can’t even sit with myself without distracting myself somehow, like being on my phone or watching a show, or listening to music even. I have to constantly be stimulated in some way, or else I start to get anxious or listless again. Something always needs to be consuming my attention.

But I’m not doing things that feel like, “productive” or beneficial. I keep thinking back to last year, and the year before, and how everything just felt like it fell into place and just clicked. I feel like I was so in tune with myself and so sure of everything I was learning and everything I knew. I’m not sure what changed from then until now, but I want to know. I know that progress is a series of roving hills and it’s not always easy or a steady incline upwards. But in a weird way, for some reason I feel like I need to get back on track.

So my brain goes, “what am I doing wrong?” and it shouldn’t be that question. I don’t even know what the question should be. Where do I start?

Where did I start when I first began?

Well, I started talking to people. I started talking to Sera, Nadia, strangers. But now, I don’t trust anyone enough to talk to. I don’t even know what to say to anyone because I barely understand or know how I’m feeling myself.

I feel like I’m feeling like this because I’m straying further from my purpose, whatever that purpose may be. I feel like I kind of knew it, I was in tune with myself, my needs, my inner voice, my intuition, and all of a sudden I slowly started to veer off track.

Like, I’m suddenly questioning everything a lot more. My faith in everything I knew seemed so unshakeable before, and now it’s like I’m uncertain.

I don’t know if it’s because I take everything I read literally – like I just finished “The Rebel Buddha” and it told me to question anything that seemed like blind faith, and that makes sense. I don’t think it’s good to go too long without questioning why you believe in the things you believe in, because YOU change and your truth changes along with it, right.

Just keep being honest, don’t think.

Okay well, I haven’t been feeling this low consistently. It’s not like I wake up every day feeling listless. Sometimes I “forget” or it feels like I forget and I have good days again where my mind is occupied and I’m doing things. Maybe that’s why I’ve been trying to keep myself busy by doing anything and everything regardless of whether it’s beneficial to me or not?

I also feel like I’ve been monitoring myself so much, trying to watch myself, that I’ve almost created a complete dualistic sense of self. Like there’s a “me” who’s typing this, and there’s a “me” who is watching me type and think and feel all these things, but it’s also aware of the pretty bad heart burn I have going on right now.

Alright, let’s figure this out. What’s up? What’s going on? What’s on your mind, what’s bothering you? Just, let it all out.

I don’t know what to believe in. Do I try to kill my ego self and be detached from the idea of “self”? How do I do that if that’s even what I wanted to do? Will that really bring me peace? Or do I try to keep manifesting everything I want for myself and my life through the Law of Attraction and keep being positive and keep trying to reinforce positive feelings and gratitude and visualizing what I want for myself when I barely even know what that is to begin with?

What’s right? What’s wrong? Why am I even asking that if everything is one and I am a part of this one? Why do we have such an urgency to classify all our experiences, thoughts and emotions as either good or bad or right or wrong in the first place?

What path do I want to follow and apply to my life? What feels best for me? I’ve read so many books and they’ve all resonated so much with me and each has had something important to teach me.

All of these things are external things though right? Outside of myself? Aren’t I supposed to be looking inwards?

Do I keep things simple? Or do I not keep things at all? I don’t even know what I’m asking or why I’m asking things at all anymore.

Have faith and trust the process. I have those two phrases tattooed on my body because I believed in them so much I wanted them to be a part of me forever. Let go, “it is written”. All these lessons. I’ve forgotten how to listen to myself.

Okay, well… then I’m listening now. What do you want to say?

I think I’m having an existential crisis, LMFAO. That and a crisis of faith.

Man, that book really did a number on my head. But I guess that’s good though, because it made me think after all.

I guess a lot of these questions are stemming from fear. Fear that I’m blindly believing in what I believe in, wondering why I believe in it. But you know what? You want to know why I believe in what I believe in?

Because I’ve seen what I believe in with my own eyes. I’ve literally witnessed moments where I “let go”, “trust the process”, “have faith”, and then things just end up working out just fine in the end, and the gratitude comes naturally. I make a point of acknowledging it. I’ve fought so hard to have this faith because I’ve never really had it before. I’ve always lived my life in fear that something bad was going to happen. And it usually ended up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy as a result.

I’ve seen it all. I’ve lived it all. I’ve seen how stepping back from my every day narrative allows me the clarity to handle the situations I come across in my life. I’ve acted on my intuition and ended up in situations I never dreamed possible before, in the best of ways. I’ve used the Law of Attraction and visualization and things have quite literally happened or appeared in my life exactly the way I’d imagined.

I had faith and my faith gave me a reason to believe.

I don’t want things to be complicated. I know it’s important to question yourself, question what you know, question what you believe in and keep questioning so that you never stop learning. But I don’t want to question myself from a place of doubt or fear. That’s not what the questioning is for. It’s for keeping and maintaining that clarity, it’s for clearing away any clutter I may have gathered along with everything I’ve learnt in the past two years.

It shouldn’t be a fearful or doubtful “if I don’t know what I know, then what DO I know?” it should be an optimistic and hopeful “if I know what I know, what more can I learn? And how can I add to it, change it, learn more about it, and reinforce it IF it serves me/my higher purpose?”

The questions I SHOULD BE ASKING: am I being my most authentic self? Am I being true to my deepest essence, that essence being my conscious awareness? Am I working to better myself and the world around me in the things I do and say? Am I doing what I’m doing with the best of my intentions and effort, or am I half-assing things in an auto-pilot mode because it’s so easy to fall back into that state of mind?

I’ve spent a portion of my life on autopilot. I don’t ever want to do that to myself again.

What do you want?

I want to stop living in fear. Questioning everything I do and why I do it, or the things I say. I want to stop constantly psycho-analyzing myself in a critical and judgemental way. I’m watching myself but I’m not watching myself objectively or even compassionately and that’s a lot of pressure to put on myself.

I want to be more responsible. I want to stop living in this make-believe fantasy land of denial where my actions will never have repercussions or catch up to me.

But in that same vein, I don’t want to worry about things all the time either. I don’t ever want to get to the point where I watch myself so avidly or strictly that I no longer allow myself to enjoy life or live it the way I want to.

And how do I want to live my life? What do I want from my life?

If I can spend my life helping others someway, or somehow, while still being able to do the things that make me the most happy and fulfilled (which is travelling, adventuring, learning, exploring) then my life would be perfectly content. I would be perfectly content with just that.

But I know I can’t just sit here and hope that’ll happen without doing anything to try. That’s why I’m still pursuing this degree. On the chance that perhaps I can actually use it to help others. Not just to make my mom happy, even if that is a big part of it. Even if a part of it is also proving to me that I can do it.

I’m not present. I’m still constantly projecting myself into a future that doesn’t exist yet, concerning myself with possibilities that won’t necessarily come to fruition and therefore tainting the beauty of my present moments.

I guess it just feels like there’s so much to be aware of, and it gets a little overwhelming sometimes. I’m trying to exert some more discipline in specific areas of my life and that’s challenging to me because I’m unfamiliar with the idea of discipline.

I want to help myself, I really do. I want to believe in myself, have faith in my life, and stop doing things to myself that causes me stress because it’s so unnecessary. If I could just have that little voice in my head, a voice of reason that says, “hey, let’s think about this logically – not because I’m trying to stop you from living your life but because I want to help you to live it better”, that would be amazing.

I’ve always said that my impulsivity is a huge part of who I am, but maybe it’s time to temper that aspect down a little in some areas of my life. I think I need some boundaries. And again, it’s not in punishment or in an attempt to control or limit myself. It’s time to start investing in myself and doing better for me, because I care about me. Not because I’m concerned with a future or what it may hold (although that is a concern) but because the things I do cause me stress. I stress myself out. It’s not good.

And another thing. I’m so focused on forcing myself to feel positive and good all the time that it’s starting to have the opposite effect. How do I go about that realistically?

Maybe I should stop taking things so seriously – and then the voice in my head goes, but you don’t take things seriously enough.

I think what I’m looking for is balance. The middle way, my middle way, whatever that may entail.

My idealistic life looks like this: I work out. I have time to read. I maintain healthy relationships with the people in my life with healthy boundaries that still protect my energies whilst still being able to put in effort effectively and meaningfully. I’m passionate about school, about the things I learn, about how I can apply them to life. I’m focused when I need to be focused, and when I know I need to do something, I don’t have any feelings of negativity or ill-will about them. And if I ever do, I can set those feelings aside because I know I have to do what I have to do for my greater good because I care about myself enough to. I work hard, I work enough, and the money that comes in – a part of it goes to a savings account for my personal interests such as travel or good food, and a part of it goes towards being able to live realistically (phone bills, but little things here and there that I want/need). I never have to ever worry about money because I always have enough and there’s always more coming if it goes. I meditate, and like, really meditate to the point that all I know is inner peace. I’m so in tune with myself that I’m never ever indecisive because I have complete faith in every decision I make and I’m perfectly okay with whatever outcome may occur as a result of the decisions I make. I do yoga. I have a dog. I travel the world. I write my book, I help millions of people across the globe come to terms with their self and the idea of self-love, self-compassion, self-awareness.

I’m happy. Content. At ease.

That’s my dream life. That’s the life I’m afraid to dream but the life that I want the most.

Why am I so afraid to dream these things? Why can’t I have the life I want for myself? What am I so afraid of? The things I’ve written here aren’t unrealistic or impossible.

None of this can happen unless I actually believe that it can though. I have to truly believe that it can be my reality and then work towards it, tirelessly. The Universe can’t conspire with me if I can’t even conspire with myself, after all. How can it help me if I can’t help myself? If I don’t believe in myself?

If people around me can attain their dream life, achieve their personal dream, work towards manifesting their deepest and most meaningful desires, there’s absolutely no reason why I can’t do the same for myself. No “buts”, no “if”, no “maybe”.

Do you genuinely believe that you can have this life? That you can make your “idealistic” dream a reality?

You’re young. You’re only 26. You’re counting down “time” on a timeline that doesn’t even really exist, not truly.

Do you believe that you deserve it?

Do you. Believe. You deserve it?

I want to type yes. I know I should. I’m scared that I don’t. But why wouldn’t I? Why wouldn’t I deserve to make my dream life come true, and be my happiest most authentic self?

I don’t know everything. I’m okay with this. If there’s any part of me that believes I don’t deserve to be happy or to live a life I could only dream about, it has to go.

Once upon a time, I believed that I’d never find a guy like Adrian. Affectionate, caring, wonderful, adventurous, funny, someone who truly appreciated me and everything I had to offer. But two years ago, I shifted that way of thinking and began to believe and understand and KNOW that that’s exactly what I deserved. That I could have that. And I got it. I found him.

Why can’t the same go for the way I want to live my life? What about me or the way I live makes me deserve that any less?

I’ve always kind of just gone with the flow and the flow has been great, it really has been. But I think it’s about time to add some direction into my life. It’s time for some goals. It’s time for discipline, mindfulness, compassion and self-awareness.

Anything that doesn’t fall in line with this – doubt, fear, the thought that I deserve less, the idea of “impossible” or “unrealistic” – it’s all got to go.

I need motivation. Ambition. Confidence. Compassion. Discipline. And above all?

LOVE.

When’s the last time I told me I loved me? When’s the last time I did anything out of love for myself, rather than obligation or autopilot? What have I been doing to feed my self-love? It’s almost as though at some point in this journey, I was like, “okay, I love myself. Thank you, next” and I just left it at that, like a checked off box on some list. But it’s not like that.

I think I got really worried that my identity, my “ego-self”, would become so firmly rooted in everything I believe myself to be that I created a duality of doubt and judgement. But in this, all the self-love I spent so much time carefully curating, developing, nurturing, and growing, went straight out the window along with my idea of “self”. In trying to kill the idea of “me”, I also let in a whole bunch of old fears, patterns of thinking, and doubts.

I don’t want to live a life where I only see others through myself. That was my main goal in trying to eradicate my sense of “me”. I got so caught up in being the complete opposite of “self-involved” that I started neglecting myself, my wants, and my needs entirely. I lost track of what I was searching for what or why I began this journey in the first place.

I just want to do everything I do with the best of intentions. When I watch myself, it’s not because I want to carefully monitor everything I think, say or feel. It’s because I want to make sure that I’m being as authentic as I can be to what makes me, me.

And you know what else I realized? I don’t need to be an ascetic and sacrifice my entire identity to be “selfless”. I was missing the entire point of what my book has been trying to tell me because I got so caught up in the little details.

Buddha renounced all worldly pleasures, even food and clothing to the brink of starvation and death, in an attempt to reach enlightenment. And that’s when he realized that such extremes are suffering in itself. The only way is the middle way. To just, be. To live compassionately. To do your best. To learn all you can and then teach what you learn. To treat others as you’d expect and hope to be treated.

I don’t want to kill my “self”. I want to be the best me I can be, not just for me (but yes, also for me), but for others too.

AND THAT’S OKAY.

Just because I don’t want to completely dissociate myself from what makes me who I am or what I think makes me who I am does not make me a self-absorbed, unaware person.

I’M HUMAN!!!! I WANT A HUMAN EXPERIENCE AND EVERYTHING THAT ENTAILS. I’m not on this earth to reach Nirvana or enlightenment, that’s not my purpose. It was Buddha’s purpose, but it doesn’t have to be mine. That was his way of being at peace.

What I listed up there? ^ That’s my peace. That’s what I imagine my peace to be. Doing the things I love, with the people I love, for my love of my life. And love does not equate to attachment. That’s what I was afraid of too. That if I cared about anything enough, that I was doing so out of attachment, and attachment is bad. And that in itself is an extreme way of thinking too.

It literally feels like I unravelled some weird ass knot in my chest. Holy shit.

I’m still a little scared. Scared that I can see all of this for what it is and that I’ll still fall back into old habits. But I know exactly where that’ll lead me, because I’ve been there before. I spent six years of my life there, in autopilot mode.

My awareness to me, is doing the best I can for myself. And doing the best I can for myself entails: having faith, letting go, trusting the process, being compassionate, being honest, being fearless, and being in tune with myself. Loving myself. Having a “self”. Living life with a little bit of everything I’ve ever learnt because in the end, it really is the same message in so many different ways. Understanding that there is no one “right way”, only the way itself.

Hello, me. It’s good to see you again. I’m so sorry that I tried to escape you, that I believed you were anything other than me, to put you aside from me and berate you. I’m sorry I didn’t have patience for you, that I believed I was better than you or that I didn’t need you. We’re going to do better, together. You want that life? We’ll have it. But we have to make it happen as a team. No you vs me.

I know very well I have every capacity to be the “watcher” and that this voice in my head, the one that I’m hearing, is me and not me at the same time. But I don’t ever want to become that dualistic-minded again. That exercise was not in an attempt to create a divide, but to create an objective awareness that will allow me to do better for myself, to react better, to think and feel more efficiently. And all of that stems from self-love.

I have to come back to this log. I have to remind myself. I have to do better. Things have to change. I have to change. I need to do differently. I will not, EVER, EVER, EVER go back to autopilot mode. EVER. I will not become a drifter again.

It was a refreshing change to be honest with myself for once. Even now, I’m still trying to stop myself from writing from the perspective of “how will this be perceived” rather than “am I being honest and true to myself in my writing”. My writing has always been FOR ME, first and foremost. I have to re-train myself to get back to that mentality. I think I’m going to stop posting my logs online until I do.

Okay. I have things I have to do. And I really should get some sleep. But that’s it, no more listless, restless feelings. No more “muddled”. I want to be my friend again. I don’t want me to be a stranger to myself. That’s not going to help me or anyone else.

Off to bed now!

Love. Love always. And mean it.

Me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s